Hello, my name is Ksenia. I am 21 years old. My boyfriend is 20. I can’t figure out the current situation myself, please help me with advice. We have been dating a young man for a year and a half, he began to court me and for the first month he somehow tried to interest me, we went for walks and relaxed together. But over time, they stopped going out anywhere, he didn’t want to, I hinted, asked, invited, but no. Now the situation is this: we live 15 minutes away from each other, we stayed either with me or with him, but now he persistently asks me to come to him, he works a lot, but wants me to go to him every evening. He lives with his mother, his mother is bored, she needs to dilute her loneliness... I love him. This is my first serious relationship. I am ready to do anything for him. I'm coming. Whatever he asks, I do. But here, for 4 months, he spends his nights (since he works during the day) in his friends’ garage. There is no limit to this. I come because he wants to go to his house, but he spends almost every night after work in the garage and comes in the morning. I understand that he likes to rummage through cars, assemble and disassemble them, and I’m not against this hobby, as long as it doesn’t harm our relationship. If we planned to sit at home together for the evening, watch a movie, but then his friend called and said that he was digging in the garage, my boyfriend
drops everything and goes there, forgetting about me. We've been dating for as long as we've been dating, we don't go anywhere at all, we went to the cinema once and went camping once. All. I’m offended that he can’t find time for me, but he always has time for his friends. And it’s a shame that at night. It would be nice if he were still working on his own car, but he repairs his friends’ cars for nothing, without fail and at any time. It calms me down that he tells me that he loves me, I believe it. But I don’t know how to behave, I want me to be no less important to him than his friends, I want attention and at least some movement, relaxation together... Thank you in advance for your answer. Best regards, Ksenia.
Hello, Ksenia!
We are treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated, the way we treat ourselves. Think about it, Ksenia, how interesting are you to yourself? Do you put your interests first? Do you value yourself? Do you respect yourself and your time? Do you listen to your desires and fulfill them?
Your boyfriend is very comfortable with this arrangement of things, but is it comfortable for you? If not, start taking care of yourself on all of the above points, in what is interesting to you, and not convenient for your boyfriend. Awaken the “hunter instinct” in your young man, become for him a Blue Bird, hunted by hundreds of men, and not a domestic hen. Now there is a lot of information on the topic of developing self-love, perhaps this will help you take the first steps on the path to yourself.
All the best!
Perfilyeva Inna Yurievna, psychologist in Rostov-on-Don
Good answer 2 Bad answer 2Hello, Ksenia!
FROM your letter I got the impression that your whole life consists only of meetings with a young man, and you want to receive all your positive emotions from him, but this is too much emotional stress. that's why he distances himself. Turn to your life, look for other sources of joy in it that are not related to relationships. Then you will be interesting to both yourself and him. You don't have to ask, he himself will want to spend more time with you.
In addition, you often put his feelings above yours and push your needs. And he treats you the same way you treat yourself. You are not in first place for yourself, and neither is he. You need to learn to be in charge. Then you will hear your true feelings and desires and follow them. and this will give you the opportunity to be truly happy.
If you need help, come for an individual consultation.
Stolyarova Marina Valentinovna, consulting psychologist, St. Petersburg
Good answer 4 Bad answer 0Ksenia, alas, you don’t have a family yet, and what’s more, your boyfriend never let you know that he’s even ready for a family. This is neither good nor bad; at the age of 20, few people are ready for this, and it is at least unreasonable to demand this. The question is, who are you to him?
Why are you meeting, think about it? He is not interested in going somewhere with you.
If we planned to sit at home together for the evening, watch a movie, but then his friend called and said that he was digging in the garage, my boyfriend drops everything and goes there, forgetting about me.
It turns out that spending time at home like this is not very interesting. then WHAT do you have in common? Sex?
I'm coming. Whatever he asks, I do.
He is very comfortable with this state of affairs. He has help in everyday life, sex, minimal care and the position of a guy “who has a girlfriend,” i.e. status, which at this age can be important.
What do you have?
It calms me down that he tells me that he loves me, I believe it.
Does this calm you down? With what? Love is about deeds, first of all. Love is real actions aimed at caring for another person, respecting his feelings, satisfying not only your own, but also the needs of your loved one. And you spend the whole letter talking about how none of YOUR wishes are particularly taken into account. And where is love then? In words?
Yes, this is a convenient position - to reassure with words, you will believe, and you can calmly live for some time the way he likes, continuing to use your devotion.
And it is impossible to condemn him for this, because you YOURSELF allowed the whole situation to be like this. You don't ask for anything, you don't insist on your interests, you're focused only on him, and you're probably afraid of losing. And he?
If you have no one in your life except him and nothing else interests you much, there is a risk that you will become even less interesting to him. Perhaps you should think about your life first, about your desires? Otherwise, all this will develop into love addiction. And it’s better now to try to understand yourself from this position: http://psyhelp24.org/lyubovnaya-zavisimost/
Sincerely, Nesvitsky A.M., consultations on Skype
Good answer 1 Bad answer 2At first glance, advice from a psychologist, if your husband’s friends come first, is not even needed. It seems that it is enough to simply understand them or ask someone of the other sex about it. It is not necessary to comprehend or draw up complex diagrams. Men are not other creatures from another planet with whom we do not have a common language. In fact, we can easily apply interest and put ourselves in the place of such a man.
Almost all guys choose friends first; rarely does a girl come first for them. After all, girls come and go, girls are then something else, different, and you need to behave with them completely differently, but friends will always understand you and will always remain. But what when your husband's friends come first? It would seem that this should not happen at all and that this is completely wrong... But even in this case, you can find a way out.
This does not mean that they will all have the same reasons and that such priorities indicate a character that has not yet matured or is not ready for a “serious” relationship. In fact, there may be different reasons, and we will try to consider the main ones, because knowing the reasons, we can better understand the situation and find a way out of it.
The first possible reason is unpreparedness for a serious marital relationship, which is most often found among young husbands who do not know how to behave well with women. But in fact, almost all men have his friends at one of the main levels of their priorities; the only question is whether she occupies a leading position or not. Friends are one of the most important things, a very important part in the life of every man. Each of them respects their friends very much, is always ready to help them, and being a good friend is a real title that everyone wants to earn. The only difference is what idea a man has of friendship, what concept he attaches to it and how he behaves. Sometimes unpreparedness is not a very serious problem, because you can push your husband and talk to him about your feelings. Tell him that you don’t like the way he behaves, but do it delicately, solve your problems and mistakes together, point out to him what can help him become a better husband for you. Don't forget to mention that you don't forbid him to see his friends, you respect them very much, but it would be better if he paid more attention to you.
Perhaps one of the most difficult cases when a man puts his friends first can also be gender discrimination. This type can hang out at parties with friends, go to football and beer with them, while his wife cleans, cooks and does laundry at home. In his mind, this is exactly what she should do, he is a man, and he should spend his time with men. For him, a woman remains his favorite bunny and swallow, but in his ideas she stands lower than a man and plays a completely different role. Such a husband will not put you first, he is not ready to perceive you differently, and trying to change him is a very difficult task. In this case, you have to ask yourself, do you need this kind of life? After all, when a man openly treats a woman impolitely and discriminates against her friends, this only indicates that he is poorly brought up, has false ideas about marriage and gender, and in some cases such a husband can be equated to a domestic tyrant. Think about what you can do about it? Can you reprogram his consciousness, ideas, character? Are you ready to endure this kind of treatment for the rest of your life?
If a man puts friendship first, psychologists say that the reason for this may simply be the placement of terminal values. Each person is special, and throughout their life they form their own structure of values and set priorities. And the fact that your husband’s friends will come first does not mean the end of the world, this is his opinion, his values, his character, which you must understand and support. The only difference is how this arrangement of values manifests itself, whether it interferes with your personal life, or whether it causes some difficulties. If not, think about why you think this is a problem? Isn't it easier to accept your husband's position and come to terms with his decision? After all, he still loves you, trusts you and appreciates you, for him you are the best woman and beloved wife, your marriage can be ideal, does it bother you in this case that your husband is very attached to his friends? Sometimes you just need to come to terms with such an opinion and forget about your selfishness. Maybe your problem lies in the fact that you do not want to give up your “first crowning place in his life”?
If friends have a bad influence on your husband, and you worry about him, or because of his friends he began to treat you badly, the best way out would be to talk frankly with him. In psychology there is such a thing as “I-messages”. These are more open phrases for the interlocutor, in which you frame the conversation in the first person and indicate your requirements. You can say “you have bad friends, you have started to behave worse, they...you don’t pay attention anymore...”. In this case, the phrase is perceived as a reproach, an accusation. The I-message will sound like this: “I don’t like the way you’ve been treating me lately, I want to talk to you about it, because it’s very unpleasant for me when your friends...”. You encourage your opponent to think about your feelings and listen to you.
If you and your husband do not live in exile or on a desert island, you will be surrounded by relatives. Yours, his, and also friends with whom you can spend holidays or leisure time.
But what if you feel that your “family” field is too often interfered with by the plans and interests of your mother and friends?
A healthy adult with normal self-esteem and personal boundaries always puts himself first on the list of priorities, then his other half, if any, then children, and then only relatives and friends.
If the order of these priorities is violated, one of two things: either something is wrong with your relationship, or.
But did you choose the right one? So let's talk about relationships.
You were already preparing to expose the betrayal when he once again went in the evening to help Lekha with the car. But no! It turned out that he really goes and fixes the car with friendly gatherings in the garage with Lekha, and not with you.
He also helps Vlad with repairs, and on Saturdays he has an overnight fishing trip exclusively with men.
Friends are good. Legends are written and films are made about true male friendship. But a worthy man always finds a balance between friends and the woman he loves.
The most “bright” indicator of problems in a relationship is sudden get-togethers with his friends at your house, when you had completely different plans for the evening (you know what I mean).
All this sooner or later begins to irritate, and quite rightly.
If all his entertainment takes place exclusively with friends, and family leisure is considered either on a residual basis or is absent altogether, this is unpleasant.
And, most likely, you will want to. But remember!
He will feel that his freedom is being pressured and attacked, they are declaring war and openly conflicting - which means he will move away, perceiving you as a rival, and not as a woman. There is no need to do this.If you start making scandals, setting ultimatums (God forbid: “either me or them!”), imposing your own rules, it will end in nothing.
What then? Analyze the situation and behave.
Try to love his friends. Accept the fact that they appeared in his life, most likely, much earlier than you. Perhaps they have known him since kindergarten or school; they have gone through fire, water and copper pipes with him.
This is worthy of respect and admiration. It’s not worth fighting with them for your husband’s attention - it will be useless and definitely not in your favor. If you didn’t have time to “get to know” them while you were dating, don’t miss this opportunity now.
Try to improve your relationship with them, with their wives, if you have them. This situation has several outcomes: you will like his company and make new friends, or you won’t like anyone and that’s a completely different story.
Just don't take the mac and cheese and knock on their door on a Sunday morning like in .
Analyze the situation, the relationship between husband and friends, friends and their wives, monitor reactions, establish contact. This way you can at least gather information and determine leverage if necessary.
Become “one of your own” in their circle, but only to the extent that he will not be jealous of his friends for you - otherwise this happens.
If you don’t like one of them, try to find some good traits in him, because for some reason they are friends with your spouse.
Take the initiative. Offer to have a barbecue at your dacha this weekend, invite all your friends and families, have a lot of fun together, invite them to your birthdays.
If you make such gatherings regular, you will soon gradually have your own “company” - and the question of “his friends” will cease to be relevant, since they will now be common.
Start family traditions. Invite him, for example, to spend every Friday/Saturday/every December 31st separately: he and his friends go to the bathhouse, and you and your girlfriends go to a bachelorette party or wherever you want. An exaggerated example, but still.
There are your personal days, there are family days - and one should not interfere with the other.
A fun option is to write a comic family code in your couple (family) and hang it on the refrigerator.
From time to time, let everyone make their suggestions and wishes, which can be discussed at a monthly family council (ideally, these are pleasant family gatherings).
Have an honest conversation with your husband. It is a calm, reasonable, constructive conversation, and not screams and scandals in the style of “how did they get me, and so did you”!
Only speak when he is happy, well-fed, calm and not worried about production work problems.
If it’s unpleasant for you, it hurts to see every time the choice is not in your favor - tell him how you feel, why, and offer a solution. what he thinks should be done and calmly discuss the situation.
Maybe it's not really about friends, but that you would like him to be more involved in raising children or just need a dishwasher for the kitchen? Or have you not worked out for a long time?
Create an atmosphere. Evaluate, as if from the outside, how cozy and sincere it is in your home, does he rest when he comes home after work? Does he want to return home?
Home is a chance to recharge, receive love, and recharge emotionally. If this is not the case, the man will look for an outlet in another “home”. With or with friends - it depends on your luck.
And believe me, friends - the most harmless option. If he can truly relax and unwind not with you, but with friends, ask yourself the question, not him: “Why?”
Take care of yourself. It is most important. Ask yourself a question: do you spend your time interestingly in his absence? Do you have friends, your own hobbies, interests?
Are you not putting pressure on him, are you not intrusive? Aren't you suffocating with your care? Do each of you have your own personal space?
Are you able to relax and have fun without him? Just try, for the sake of an experiment, to live for a week “for yourself,” to enjoy yourself, not paying attention to the presence or absence of your husband nearby at this time.
See if his attitude changes?
Make comments to him or in the presence of his friends, discuss his actions; flirt with one of your friends; give ultimatums; manipulate and deceive.
You yourself know what the consequences will be.
Any extreme. For example, if he has no friends at all. None. This means that either a person does not know how to be a friend, or does not know how to create strong connections with people, or is so “self-sufficient” that he does not need anyone.
This is neither good nor bad, but in everyday life it is usually difficult to get along with such people. Or he has friends with whom in the evenings after work they go exclusively for a beer, but then this is more likely.
It’s a separate question if his friends obviously have a bad influence on him.
A simple example: when he signed up for expensive advanced training courses, and instead of the next class he went to drink beer with friends.
The other extreme: he sees friends more often than you have sex, he prefers to spend all his free time in their company, and not his family, home and children (if any) are completely on you - this is an alarm bell.
Perhaps you didn’t voice your views on family life when you were getting married?
There are cases when a man is strongly attached to his parents, especially his mother. Although psychologists say that this is usually a problem for women.
This is very good, but provided that you live separately and he maintains a certain distance in his relationship with his parents. Helps physically, financially, respects, visits, calls, congratulates on the holidays.
And at the same time, you and your husband have your own territory physically and psychologically, no one interferes with your family with advice and questions.
If, at the first call, he rushes to his mother to fulfill all her requests, if he regularly listens to her lamentations, complaints, demands (often about a bad daughter-in-law), he constantly owes her something, is guilty of something...
And most importantly, everything that happens in your family is decided by his mother - this is fundamentally wrong.
Mom, of course, loves him, but, unfortunately, without understanding it or wanting to, she often acts destructively.
This situation is also strange for you if you are an adult, self-sufficient person. BUT arguing with his parents and him about relationships with them is a waste of time.
It is much easier to choose the words and draw your husband’s attention (gently and in a feminine way) to those moments that you consider wrong and incorrect, from the position of a woman who loves him and sees everything from the outside.
If he is childish or - you will not envy you, for two reasons: it cannot be “cured” if the man himself does not want to, and it will be a titanic work for you.
And further. You still have to build a respectful relationship with his mother.
After all, you have at least one thing in common: you both love the same man. And your children are her grandchildren.
This is where your feminine wisdom, ability to be flexible and see the good in people will come in handy. And think at the same time, how will you behave with your own when he grows up?
Then this. The recipes are still the same, try and experiment. But the main thing is not to focus on what is happening to him.
Focus on your own life, become the woman with whom you want to be around as often as possible, spend time, please, surprise and give gifts.
Then the problem of his parents or friends, or any other problem against the background of your relationship, will simply lose relevance
Is yours,
Yaroslav Samoilov.
Question for a psychologist:
Hello, I have the same problem. I’ve been married for over a year now, and I constantly fight with my husband just because of his friends. I don’t know how to talk to him, I spoke in different ways, both calmly and emotionally. I’m in a situation now, and I can’t help but get nervous, constant calls from his friends, asking for a loan, friends calling from another country, send me this, then he doesn’t refuse anyone, he gives out money. We ourselves live in an apartment, one might say, without conditions, it doesn’t look like a home, he seems to be trying to save money, but then his friends and relatives grab everything. He doesn’t think about how a child will be born and how he will live in such a “house.” A friend calls, he immediately runs, leaves me pregnant alone. How much we argued, he says one thing, it’s your fault that I have now stopped communicating with friends the way I used to, you hold me in your fist, go home from work and so on always, I want to go out to sit, take a walk with them, and you do it so that I won't have friends. I am for a person to have one true friend, and not 100 who only know drinking, partying and extracting money from him. He doesn’t understand this, he’s ready to kill me because of them, he defends me, he says, I lived freely before you and no one told me and no one can. I don’t know what to do, how to behave, this is not life, I feel that his friends will lead us to divorce. I was so nervous, even though I shouldn’t be, how many times he got into bad situations because of his friends, he went to another city to visit a friend and they took him to the police station, he sat there, and I was nervous, worried, crying, and almost lost my child. The family is hanging by a thread. Tell me, please, what should I do? How to behave? How to talk to him?? He doesn't understand at all. No matter what I did or said, it was all to no avail.
Hello Margarita!
Waiting for a child, in addition to the joy of realizing the opportunity to give a new life in this world, can also manifest itself negatively, especially in relationships between partners. And the point here is not only and not so much in the hormonal explosion in the body of the expectant mother, but in her tightening of demands on her partner in connection with the “rehearsal” of her new role by each of the partners. After all, before that, each of them lived a life where responsibility did not loom so close and did not persistently remind itself of itself in connection with its increase. And therefore, a woman, as the “instrument” most sensitive to such changes, begins to look at her partner not only as a lover and comrade in the game of “life,” but as a breadwinner, protector and reliable support in this new period of their life together.
And here it is very important not only to look at the situation “with different eyes” and tighten the requirements for your partner, but also to evaluate your behavior in this relationship.
If you are together and decided that your family should grow, then such a decision was based, in any case such a basis would be appropriate, on the fact that each of you understands the degree of responsibility that falls on you in connection with this decision. And if the behavior of one of the partners clearly indicated that he does not need such changes, that he is not ready to take responsibility for the family, and is not going to change his lifestyle at all, then no matter what demands are made on him now, no matter what requests are made addressed to him, I doubt that they would have led to such changes.
You described very clearly that your husband is not ready for such changes. Therefore, you should not be nervous about the fact that he does not hear you and your requests for them.
I am more interested in the question of what attracted you to him when you decided to start a family with such an immature personality. After all, his craving for friends is not just a demonstration to you of their greater value to him. This is also a demonstration that you and your unborn child do not represent for him the value that you expect. Simply put, there is no smell of respect and love here! I admit that there were feelings before, but now, when looming responsibility threatens changes in his usual life, his behavior resembles an escape from problems and a fear of making even such a decision as admitting that the feelings are over. Many are afraid of responsibility, but even more afraid of taking decisive steps, which also has a direct bearing on responsibility in order to change the situation that does not suit them.
So friends and running away from home at their first call, creating conflict situations, indifference to your requests and aggression in response to them - all this is most likely an attempt to shift the responsibility for breaking the relationship onto you, hiding behind your unbalanced emotional state. For him, in any case, everything will be “bad”: if you leave him because of his irresponsible and aggressive behavior, then perhaps he will get the freedom he dreams of; and if you decide to continue to tolerate this behavior of his, then in the future it may become even more defiant and demonstrative and you will suffer even more, only now together with the child, since he is unlikely to want to give up his comfortable life for the sake of new conditions the existence of your family. True, at the same time, he will also have every right to remind you that he did not promise you anything else, and you yourself accepted this situation then, so there is no point in demanding its changes in the new conditions.
I understand that it is very difficult for you to accept the very idea that the state of affairs could develop this way! But it’s better to hear an opinion that differs from your fantasies on the topic of family than to continue to be in these fantasies without trying to face reality. This is scary! It hurts! But this is not the end of life! Or maybe even the beginning of something happier and worthy of you!
If you consider yourself ready for adult decisions, reconsider my words and take a more biased look at the situation. After all, your peace of mind during this important period, and in the future the health and peace of mind of your child, depends on it. “You’d better starve than eat anything! And it’s better to be alone than with just anyone!” Omar Khayyam.
5 Rating 5.00 (4 Votes)
Strong male friendship, time-tested, is, of course, a necessary thing - but when a company of friends pushes you into the background, you can’t help but think. Don’t panic - this invasion of barbarians into your family nest can be dealt with. We'll tell you how.
Football with friends, help with the car, meeting “on business” or even sudden get-togethers at your home, although you were actually going to the cinema - male friends once again remind your loved one that besides family, there is a much more relaxed and exciting life, without the “obligations” that he had already become tired of. Add to this the small everyday dissatisfaction that one way or another accumulates when living together, your eyebrows “in a house” and reminders of your family, and that’s it - soon such valuable evenings together will lose all their charm for him. Of course, the first reaction in such a situation is to throw a good scandal: “What does he even allow himself to do!” For his sake I..." Of course, you can scream and cry - but only with yourself, pounding a punching bag in the gym or pouring out your soul to a friend. But you need to behave differently with your man and the company of his friends.
What to do: communication strategies
If your man is dear to you, then there is no other way: you will have to love his friends, especially if they have known each other since kindergarten, where they sat on the potties together. At a minimum, accept the fact that they will remain in his life and “suddenly” will not disappear. This means that the options “to quarrel”, “to set against”, “to show shortcomings”, “to put pressure on family debt” will not work. Forget about prohibitions - this will only strengthen your man’s freedom-loving impulses and can lead to a serious conflict. Frankly speaking, communication with your girlfriends hardly causes frenzied delight in your loved one. So give both him and yourself the right to personal space.
Become part of his company
Are you tired of your husband's endless outings with his friends? Join the crowd, become one of these “eccentrics”, an evening in whose company is interesting to your loved one much more than a trip to your mother or a joint outing. Try to understand your husband's friends: invite them to your home, arrange a joint dinner, a weekend picnic, or come up with entertainment that is interesting for the whole company. Your task is to win their trust, turning from a boring and dissatisfied matron into a pleasant and interesting interlocutor. Just during the “get-togethers”, do not forget to turn off the mommy function: you should not patronize your husband, give him instructions, make sarcastic remarks and create uncomfortable moments. And one more thing - flirting with his friends is also prohibited. We are sure that you remember this yourself, so it is so, by the way.
Talk
If all peaceful options do not work, and any mention of your husband’s friends causes you to tremble, then a frank conversation with your loved one cannot be avoided. It’s conversations, not quarrels with shouts of “how you’re sick of everything” - including your faithful one. If it hurts, unpleasantly and hard for you every time a loved one makes a choice in favor of friends rather than your family, there is no need to remain silent. Calmly discuss the situation. Just prepare for the conversation in advance: before this, clearly decide for yourself what exactly you are not happy with in your husband’s behavior. He pays little attention to you, does not take care of the children, does not help around the house - your conversation should be extremely substantive, preferably with possible solutions for each of the points put forward.
Softly attack
You shouldn’t openly strike a pose and demonstratively kick out dull-witted visitors: what good, your man will leave with them, acting within the framework of the same male friendship. Cheat. Create an environment where your husband takes an active part in household chores. Let this be a purely male economic activity - not wash the dishes and cook dinner, but fix a creaking door, for example, or take groceries from the supermarket to his mother. Better yet, start a renovation. This massive operation will definitely help. What kind of gatherings are there with friends when there is smoke in the apartment? And it’s not for you to carry building materials from the market.
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