There is no more popular topic on television and in movies than love. Soap operas are filled with "romantic love". This theme is also popular in songs. We are constantly haunted by the idea that love is the only thing that matters.
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Most people think about romantic love like this: “Love is an incomprehensible obsession that comes from nowhere and immediately completely takes possession of you, like measles. You recognize it intuitively. "Love is so important that you have to give up everything for it. It is excusable for a man to leave his wife for love, it is excusable for a woman to leave home and children, for a king the throne. She comes completely unexpectedly, and you can't do anything. She is not subject to man."
But this is NOT true love! True love is not like that.
Infatuation really arises suddenly, and you can't do anything about it. But true love is devoted and selfless love. That's what she's based on. You may wonder why it is necessary to know the difference between infatuation and love? The reason is this: knowing the differences will save you from making a huge mistake. Every year, millions of sparkling-eyed couples come to church and solemnly swear to love each other for the rest of their lives. For some of them, marriage really becomes an invaluable asset. For others, he is simply tolerant. But for half of these couples, marriage becomes a real misfortune. After a short period of time, they begin to realize that they absolutely cannot stand living together. What's the matter?
The difference is that some couples build their marriage on true love, while others build their marriage on infatuation that is fake love. Such marriages do not last long.
How to understand the difference? During the Gold Rush, many miners thought they had hit a vein. But later, to their great disappointment, they found out that their find was not real gold, but the worthless mineral pyrite. Pyrite looks very similar to gold, but has no value. It is also called "fool's gold".
As we have said, it is NOT easy to tell the difference between infatuation and true love. In his book "Sex, love or infatuation - how to define it?" Dr. Ray Short gives some key tips to help a person examine their feeling and determine whether it is the real gold of genuine love or "fool's gold" - simple infatuation.
We'll look at 12 of these keys, but first let me point out the following: (1) The order of the keys doesn't matter. Each of them has the same meaning as the others. (2) These keys should not be randomly accepted. You must take into account all 12!
Key number 1 What attracts you the most.
Enthusiasm: When you're infatuated, you're more likely to be more interested in the other person's physique. A beautiful face and a good figure are, of course, very attractive qualities, but appearances can be deceiving. It is like wrapping paper wrapped around a gift. It cannot be used to judge what is inside. Moreover, physical beauty is not eternal. Dr. Short says, "Of the dozen school meetings I attended as a young man, I remember only one. "Young people! said the speaker solemnly. - Before marrying a girl because of her pretty face and attractive curves, think about how she will look at 30. "And that stopped me"?
Real love: If your love is genuine, you will be interested in the personality of your chosen one as a whole. Surely, physical attraction will also be present in your feelings, but only along with many other attractive qualities for you.
Key #2 How many different qualities attract you to this person?
Enthusiasm: Usually the number of such qualities is small, but they are able to influence you very strongly. A guy can go crazy with his girlfriend's smiles or sexy walks.
Real love: When you truly love, you like all or most of the qualities in the other person. Each of us has many characteristics, judgments and attitudes. How many characteristics do you notice in the other, and how many of them do you find attractive? This is important because once the initial excitement after marriage wears off, you'll need a lot of common interests to keep the marriage going and make it a success.
Key #3 How did it start?
Enthusiasm: Passion arises quickly. There is no true love at first sight, but passion at first sight can flare up. As one love song says, "the eyes of the lovers met in the crowd, lightning flashed, and they immediately realized that they were made for each other." In reality, they could only understand that they made a good first impression on each other.
Real love:
True love always comes slowly. Otherwise it can not be. You have to get to know a person before you can really love them, and that takes time, a lot of time, to really get to know someone. A long courtship is much better than a short one. A year is better than half a year, two years is better than one, three years is better than two, and four is better than three. Three years? Four? Yes, the statistics on this subject are absolutely clear. But most young couples do not want to wait even a year. They are in a hurry to get married and, from their own experience, are convinced of the validity of the old saying: "Hurry up - you will make people laugh." If you, on your own head, marry too hastily, then you will have enough time later to regret it.
Key #4 How consistent is your interest?
Enthusiasm: When you're passionate, your interest flickers and then fades. One of the reasons for this is that infatuation arises too quickly, and therefore its roots are not deep. And in general, your relationship is superficial.
Real love: When you truly love, your feelings will be warm and tender rather than fluctuating from passionate passion to cold indifference, they will be more constant. True love grows slowly, but its roots are deep.
Key #5 How does feeling affect you?
Enthusiasm: Infatuation has a disorganizing effect on your personality. Makes you less responsible and efficient. Romantic feelings completely take over you, and you walk, immersed in dreams. The girl who says "I know he has flaws, but nothing matters but our love" is infatuated... TEMPORARY! When she gets married, she will eventually discover that a lot more matters.
Real love: If your love is genuine, your best qualities will come out and you will strive to become even better. A guy who really loves says about his girlfriend: "I love her not only because she is so beautiful, but also because she inspires me to show my best qualities."
Key number 6 How do you treat others?
Enthusiasm: When you are passionate, for you the whole "universe" revolves around one person. The rest of the relationship seems completely unimportant to you. You are even ready to reject relatives and friends. Your feeling becomes the most important thing in your life. It's the only thing that matters to you from now on. You think that for the sake of this delightful "love" that has entered your life, you are forgiven for doing any actions. As we said before, most passions are short-lived, but the mistakes you make while under the influence of this feeling often have lifelong consequences.
Real love: When you truly love, your beloved person is the most important person in the world for you, but relationships with family and friends do not lose their meaning.
Key number 7 How do others view your relationship?
Enthusiasm:
What others think of your "lover" is a very important test. When you are infatuated, it is likely that your parents and many of your friends will not approve of this relationship. One of the dangers of infatuation is that you tend to idolize the other person. You do not see the flaws, because "blinded by love." Your friends try to point out some danger signs, but you ignore them. Your parents lovingly warn you, trying to prevent you from making a big mistake, but you don't listen. Young people sometimes say: "So what? We marry each other, and not relatives and friends." You, too, can take this position, but it is unforgivable stupidity - to neglect the advice of people who love you. Over the years of life, both you and your loved one have developed a certain circle of friends. We all strive to be like those we choose as friends, they become like us. Therefore, your friends are, in a sense, your "mirror". If you are infatuated with someone, friends often do not share such feelings. If they see dangerous signals, you should pay attention to this and listen to their opinion.
Real love: When you truly love, your parents and most of your friends are more likely to approve of your choice. For God to bless your marriage, the consent and approval of your parents is very important.
Key number 8 How do breakups affect?
Enthusiasm: One of the best tests of feeling is the test of distance. If you are simply infatuated, then time and distance will kill your feeling, “This also explains the breakups of those couples whose main interest was physical attractiveness. Over time, another living person nearby will replace the beloved who remains only in the photograph.
Real love: When you really love, the absence of a loved one only exacerbates your feeling. True love will surely stand the test of distance and time. It is based not only on the physical attractiveness of a person, it accepts him as a whole, as a person. Time spent together helps you "grow together". Therefore, when you part, you seem to lose your part. Another person, even a very attractive one, cannot fill the void in your heart. Being at a distance, of course, you can experience anxiety and sadness. You will be disturbed by the thought: "What if he (or she) meets someone else?" And this can happen. But if your loved one is able to find happiness with someone else, then it is better to find out about this before, and not after marriage. Therefore, if you have to part, put up with it and do not worry. If your feeling is only infatuation and it won't stand up to such a test, it's best to find out before it's too late.
Key number 9 How do disagreements affect feelings?
Enthusiasm: When you are passionate, you often quarrel. You can put up, but over time, quarrels become more frequent and serious. You become like. two porcupines in the cold. When they are apart, they shiver from the cold, but as soon as they snuggle up to each other, they prick each other with their needles. "Phil and Alice met for more than two years. During this time they quarreled and reconciled at least once a month. Disagreements arose because of any trifle or imaginary offense. Both played out terrible jealousy. And then Maria, Alice's best friend, tried to open them Once Alice shared with her the details of the last quarrel and threatened: “Let him just try to get me back! I won't even talk to him!" "I think you will, Alice," Maria said softly to her, "but I hope you tell him firmly: "Goodbye, Phil, it's over." And then she explained her position to a surprised friend: “You both bring out the worst in each other. You quarrel because you have nothing else to talk about. Discord, tears and romantic “reconciliation” only relieve you of boredom.
Real love: When you are truly in love, you may have disagreements, but true love survives them, and quarrels become less frequent and serious. Every couple must learn to resolve conflicts. It is much better to discuss disagreements openly and honestly than to let them smolder in the back of your mind.
Key #10 How do you view your relationship?
Enthusiasm:
When you are infatuated, you tend to think of yourself and your loved one as two people, and accordingly use pronouns in your thoughts and speech: "I", "me", "mine", "he", "his", or "she", "her". You think of you as two separate individuals.
Real love: When you really love, you usually use the words: "we", "our", "us". You think of you as one. This key doesn't seem to be as important when you're just dating, but it's hugely important in a marriage. When a marriage is based on passion, a husband and wife may find more pleasure in pursuing different interests than in working together. A husband may want to "go out with friends" more than spend time at home with his family. Or the wife will become more interested in her social connections than in household chores. In families where true love exists, husband and wife enjoy doing things together. A common answer here is: "I don't want to go if you can't go too."
Key #11 Are you selfish or selfless?
Enthusiasm: When you're infatuated, your interest in the other person is mostly selfish. A guy can meet a beautiful and noticeable girl, just because it flatters his pride, raises his prestige. She can be capricious and spoiled, but since she is the "queen" of the school, he becomes the "king" next to her. In the same way, a girl can keep a guy "on a leash" not because she is really interested in him, but because his devotion raises her price in the eyes of others.
Real love: When you really love, you like a person for what he is, and not because he can help you assert yourself.
Key number 12 What is the basis of your feelings?
Enthusiasm: Is your goal to find a person who will devote his entire life to making you happy? Are you taking care of yourself first? If so, then you're just infatuated. Your overall stance is selfish - you care most about what you can get out of this relationship.
Real love:
Love is selfless and devoted. You strive to do everything possible to bring joy to another. You are primarily interested in what you can give, not receive.
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Rate your feeling. Take a sheet of paper and carefully study the keys, starting with the first one. Give each of them an assessment of your feelings. If you want, the keys can show not only whether your love is real, but also a certain degree of your feelings. In most cases, the keys show a mixture of infatuation and true love. Therefore, evaluate each key on a ten-point scale. Zero would mean infatuation, and 10 would mean love. For example, looking at Key #1, you might decide, "To be perfectly honest, I was mainly interested in physical attractiveness, so I'll give myself two points." If, when examining key #7, you see that about half of your friends approve of your choice, and half do not, then give yourself five points. When you rate yourself on all twelve keys, add up your points. A total score of 80 or higher indicates that your senses are reasonably reliable. For your part, you can believe that your love can become the basis for a successful marriage. But that's only on your side.
The person you love must also pass this test and score a high score. Love must be mutual. No matter how much you love that person, one-sided love won't help. He should feel the same way in return. If you score between 50 and 80 points, you will need more time to see how your relationship develops. If the score is less than 50, you are only carried away. So try to keep your heart. First of all, do not complicate the relationship with sexual intimacy and do not rush into marriage.
Also note the following: A high score on this test does not necessarily mean you are ready for marriage. First, you may still be too young to get married, even if you score a lot. Secondly, even if you are of the right age, you may simply not know each other well yet. As we said, you need to know each other well for at least two years before thinking about marriage.
We are usually blinded by those we love
We touch on a very difficult topic in the field of feelings: love is a delicate and unpredictable matter. Is that why artificial attempts to arrange a personal life so often fail? And not a single super-analytic apparatus of a person can calculate whether He suits Her. So how to distinguish love, how to recognize it?
It is not easy to define love. You can immediately reveal such concepts as tolerance, sensitivity, clarify feelings of anxiety or regret, but with a feeling of love it will not work quickly. And Ozhegov's dictionary will not help: inclination - what kind of love is this? Addiction is not yet love. Especially not love - attachment ... You can, of course, refer to the definition given by the ancient Hindus: “There are three sources of human desires: soul, mind and body. Attraction of souls breeds friendship. The attraction of minds is respect. Attraction of bodies generates desire. The union of the three drives produces love,” or to the words of our contemporary John Monay, who speaks of “the heart-beating flame of passion”…. But let's take into account the statement of the Russian philosopher Vladimir Solovyov: "The task of love has never been consciously set, and therefore it has never been solved properly."
But to distinguish sympathy from love, perhaps, you can. And, surprisingly, you can track at what point "just a friend", who "just likes" and with whom "just wondering", miraculously turns into a dream man.
It can be a completely insignificant, trifling event. Let's say you were criticized by strangers on the bus for... green hair and an outfit that harmonized so well with your hair. Suddenly, your friend, like a tiger, stood up for your favorite color. Well, what happened to these “ill-bred people” who “it’s not clear what century they live in” and “all the more they don’t dare to hurt his girlfriend!” ... What in this case played the role of a catalyst for love - his desperate determination or the fact that for the first time he He called you “my girlfriend” in front of everyone - God only knows that. You will remember this incident more than once with smiles on your faces, but it was he who made you look at your friend with different eyes, allowed you to see in him not just a friend with whom you can have fun, but something more.
We will not give examples of more serious actions - for example, when you were walking in the park in the evening, alone, it got dark, and suddenly you were attacked ... In this case, the result is important. Thanks to this act, you realized that next to you is a person who will be able to help in difficult times, you looked at him with different eyes and realized that he is more than just an acquaintance for you. You know that there is love between you.
But questions - how to know if you're in love or not, whether it's love at first sight or just attraction, what kind of spark lights a fire in you when you encounter an attractive stranger of the opposite sex and something is clearly happening in you - have remained open.
Zhenya and Denis met at some seminar, they could not take their eyes off each other. They were eagerly waiting for a date. In the early days, they could not part for a minute. What is it - love or just physical attraction? It is difficult to answer unambiguously. Harmonious intimate relationships can develop into deeply emotional ones. In the case of Zhenya and Denis, their sexual attraction only intensified over the course of several months and everything ended in a successful marriage.
Waiting can sometimes make love even more joyful. Although Marina was very attracted to Misha, she restrained herself. They hugged, chatted for hours, and parted at midnight expecting more. The slow buildup of desire resulted in a harmonious intimate relationship that only strengthened the romantic feelings they shared.
Whether it happens sooner or later, the unexpected sexual experience can set off the hottest "chemical reaction." A survey of 12,000 men and women conducted by the journal Psychology Today found that in 20% of cases, they remembered one erotic episode for the rest of their lives. Masha, for example, each time recalls with delight the first night spent with Andrei, who later became her husband. “At that time, he rented a room in an apartment owned by a strict mistress. She, of course, did not allow female guests to be brought in. We had no other place for rendezvous, and one night we decided to sneak into the room secretly. The slow, painful ascent, first up the creaky stairs, then the opening of even more creaky doors, was terrible, but it had an unusually exciting effect on us.
But what if the first night is not a success, but a failure? Does this mean that the "chemistry of love" will no longer work? Not at all, sexologists say, this happens quite often when one of the partners is too impatient.
In conclusion, here are some signs by which you can recognize love. Perhaps they will help you distinguish between love between you, deep romantic feelings, or just a prelude to them.
The first sign of love is high spirits. It's like you're looking at the world through rose-colored glasses. As they say, you don’t see “thorns on roses” - you rejoice that a bush with thorns is with roses. Everything that recently occupied you fades into the background, food is not of interest, the words “to sleep longer” are not relevant. You constantly talk and think only about your boyfriend. Feelings, emotions associated with it are the sweetest during this period.
You feel that you are ready to sacrifice everything for the sake of your loved one. You know that if necessary, you will not have to be persuaded - give all your strength, time and money.
But do not be upset if you have a slightly different feeling - after all, each person is individual. And love, fortunately, has many facets that will allow everyone to experience this high feeling in order to become immensely happy.
Kira Volonskaya, family psychologist
Hello! In this article we will talk about how to find your love. All people on Earth dream of loving and being loved. Some find their half in their school years, others go through several divorces and meet their love closer to forty. So how and where to look for your love?
Love can be different: for parents, for children, for work, for hobbies, for God, etc. But love between a man and a woman becomes a separate important part in our life.
Such love has three important components:
In a harmonious relationship, all three components of love are present.
As a rule, most relationships begin with passion. The person is attractive outwardly, the desire for intimacy takes over, and this becomes the motivation for entering into a relationship. If sex does not happen between partners soon, then passion will gradually give way to interest in the person's personality. There will be friendship, trust and respect, and with a favorable set of circumstances, a desire to take responsibility for each other.
Many people, trying to find the love of their life, begin to wonder why some are loved, but not me. Sometimes a beautiful, smart girl is lonely, and her ugly friend is married to a loving man who carries her in his arms and generously gives her gifts. Why is that?
Of course, appearance and self-improvement are important, but they still love those people who are able to remain themselves, be sincere, show weakness and open their souls to another person. As a rule, such people know and accept their shortcomings, which means they are more condescending towards the shortcomings of their partner.
There are many reasons why you are still single. Maybe it's just not your time yet. But more often the reasons are much more prosaic:
One way or another, only you can honestly answer the question of why you are still alone.
How to find true love
Single girls have always had an important question of how to find true love, and today we will discuss this delicate topic. I want to say right away that without time-consuming work on yourself and the efforts made, it is unlikely that you will be able to find a worthy man. Do not despair and be afraid of future difficulties, because they will make your life brighter and fill it with sincere love. Searches can be done in any way, but there are important recommendations that will help you really find true love.
In this article, you will be able to find out what you need to do and how to behave in order to meet a real man. First, we will tell you what lies in the very meaning of the word “love”, and also tell you where to look and why you need it. All recommendations will help not only to find true love, but also to become a bright, interesting and self-sufficient person.
In order to find true love, you first need to understand what the meaning of love itself is and what it means to you. Most often, girls misperceive the appearance of an ideal partner in life. The standard situation is that after meeting a man, a woman begins to live by the ideals and principles of her lover, and this is fundamentally wrong. In the end, the girl finds out about this at the moment when her husband leaves the threshold of the house. After the lover leaves, the happy future comes to an end, and all expectations turn into an unattainable dream.
Loneliness is not always a negative moment in life, because this is the perfect time to work on yourself. This approach will be a good way to find true love. Self-development will benefit any person, and it can also mentally strengthen the personality. You should work on your beliefs and this can lead to positive changes in life, because principles will appear, as well as motivation. It is always worth starting business with positive thoughts and emotions, and only with such an attitude can you achieve the desired success.
It would seem that schooling is enough to start adulthood, but even at the university they will not teach you what you can learn for yourself. Never stop learning something new and try to learn every day. After all completed educational institutions, a craving for knowledge should form and this will help in self-development. You should always look for yourself and try in different guises. Once you decide on your nature, it will become much easier for you. First you love yourself, and then the people around you. By the way, we have an article “How to please a man” and there you can read a lot of interesting information. The main thing to remember is that you need to choose a worthy man who you like and only after that try to please him. There are times when girls choose a life partner on the recommendations of girlfriends, friends and acquaintances, and not at the call of their hearts.
Even in early childhood, we try to be like other people whom we consider authoritative and exemplary. In adulthood, you should find your own individuality, which will be peculiar to you. This is what will distinguish you from other people. The most difficult process during dating and creating a family is to try not to hide your real identity. The partner must know about your real character and bad habits, because only then can you build a trusting relationship. There are times when a girl during a date behaves with restraint and tries on a personality that the chosen one will like. After creating a family, a woman feels freer, and therefore begins to show her real nature.
The result of such manipulations is always the same and this is a divorce. Spouses will not be very pleased to find out that they deceived each other and, as a result, begin to realize that they are completely different people.
Each person should develop their own interests, as well as read useful books and watch good films. By the way, there are on our website that will help inspire you to great achievements and help you figure out some difficult situations. Travel also diversifies your life and makes you an interesting person. After applying these simple tips, you can become a more interesting person and you will be able to attract a real man. Get out and interact with people more often, and meet guys who have similar interests.
It is not for nothing that psychologists say that there are excellent relationships between people who have similar views on life and on the world as a whole. Do not forget to pay attention to the values and principles of the boyfriend. If your views contradict one another, then this may end up as an unfavorable attempt to create a successful union. Being an interesting person will help not only to find true love, but also to find an excellent interlocutor for the rest of your life. The main thing is that the partners should have as many common goals and aspirations as possible, as well as similar plans for the future.
This advice may seem banal, but you must remember that first of all you need to like yourself and only after that the girl will be nice to the guys. Caring for appearance is not only hard work, but also success in finding true love. The main thing is to know the measure and follow this rule without bias. Never compare yourself to other people, and even more so, you should not try to copy the lives of other girls. Always remain a person with a visual and spiritual zest that will distinguish you from all other women.
Remember to exercise regularly, eat a balanced diet, take care of your body, change your hair and clothes, and look for an individual style. All this will help to gain not only self-confidence, but will also become a good assistant in creating an interesting and outwardly healthy personality. After following these tips, it will be much easier to find true love.
You should never despair, much less take actions with a negative attitude. You should realize that the entire responsibility for your life and loneliness lies only with you. A happy future will always depend on your actions, intentions and attitude to this issue, namely how to find true love. Once you become a self-sufficient person, then you can give the other person true love, and he will reciprocate.
A big mistake in relationships and creating a family is the initial emotions when meeting with the ideal man. But only after 2-3 years of a serious relationship, people lose their former feelings, as well as interest in each other, and as a result, they simply get divorced. Psychologists say that 80% of families in the world fall into this trap. Do not confuse love with affection or fleeting passion. Ideally, you should live together for a couple of years and see what changes will occur in your relationship. A man should influence you for the better, and also give you a piece of himself for free. We have an article and it will help the reader understand a lot about this.
We are sure that our advice will help you find true love, and you will no longer need to look for the answer to the question "How to find true love." Listen to your heart and do not be fooled by violent emotions, because sincere love is different from temporary love.
Thank you for reading the article to the end and do not forget to share information on social networks, because it is not difficult for you, but we are pleased.
Love is such an elusive feeling that chasing after it can feel like forever. We know that love exists because others have already found it, but the road to it is so vague that we strive to stop all searches. There are no tips that are guaranteed to get you on the path to love, but if you follow our directions, you can head in the right direction.
Find out for yourself what you have to offer. Love means that you share yourself with a person who accepts you for who you are. Before anyone accepts you, you need to know what type of person you are. You can start writing down the answers to these questions. Your answers should paint a picture of who you are and what you can offer to a potential partner.
Build confidence. You can be an extrovert or an introvert, a fun sociable joker or a kind friend, but you need to be sure that you can offer something to the other person. When it comes to finding a partner, there is no perfect personality type that will set you on the right path. In fact, everything is exactly the opposite of what is shown in romantic comedies and sitcoms, where everyone makes an attempt to get to know each other. Such behavior is not so common and familiar among us. Decide what advantages you have and appreciate them.
Think about what qualities you are looking for in another person. Part of knowing yourself is understanding relationship needs. Write down the most significant characteristics of a potential partner. This is a great way to figure out what you really meant when you said you were looking for love.
Meet people. The best way to do this is to make friends. It's always been said that friendship is the surest way to find the love of a lifetime, and it's true. It's great when you build relationships based on care and trust. When you make friends, keep the following things in mind:
Show yourself as a sociable person. This does not mean that you should shout from the roof that you are looking for love, but make sure that people see your availability and would like to continue communication with you if there is such a chance.
Use dating sites. Consider online dating. The use of such Internet services will help you determine the availability of potential partners in your city. Don't be too demanding, and don't think about judging a person by their profile picture. If you want to find love, you need to give people a chance. You want this chance to be given to you.
Invite people on dates. If you've found someone you're interested in and are ready to move from being friends to being more romantic, try asking that person out on a date.
Be on the same wavelength as the person. Try to tune in to his needs.
ADVICE OF THE SPECIALIST
dating coach
Lisa Shield is a dating and relationship specialist based in Los Angeles. She holds a master's degree in spiritual psychology and is a certified relationship and lifestyle coach with over 17 years of experience. She has appeared in The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, LA Times and Cosmopolitan.
dating coach
If this person isn't right for you, don't vanish without explanation. Lisa Shield, an expert on love and relationships, says: “Sometimes a person would rather just disappear than honestly say: “I think we are not suitable for each other.” However, this is a terrible act towards someone you dated. At least send an email or text message saying you're not interested in continuing."
Show vulnerability. At a certain point in your search for love, it's time to take a chance and open up to the person you care about. Tell him/her about your feelings. This will most likely lead to some confusion, but such a conversation is the only way to find out if your relationship is moving to a deeper level, and if there is mutual affection.
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