We were constantly taught: “Think with your own head! Do you realize what you are doing? Explain to me your action! Learn your lessons, only with your mind you can achieve something in life
The existence of flows in the flow of options frees the mind from two overwhelming burdens:
Of course, provided that he allows himself to be freed.
The two mentioned burdens have been hanging on the mind since childhood.
We were constantly taught: “Think with your own head! Do you realize what you are doing? Explain to me your action! Learn your lessons, only with your mind you can achieve something in life. Your stupid head! Are you going to think or not?” Educators and circumstances molded the mind into a “soldier”, ready at any moment to find an explanation, give an answer to the question posed, assess the situation, make a decision, and maintain control over what is happening. The mind is trained to act expediently from the point of view of common sense.
Just don’t think that I’m so presumptuous that I’m ready to completely dismiss common sense. On the contrary, common sense is minimally necessary set rules on how to behave in the world around us in order to survive. The only mistake of reason is that he follows this code of rules to the letter and too straightforwardly. An obsession with common sense prevents the mind from looking around and seeing what does not agree with these rules.
And the discrepancies with common sense there are a lot of them in the world. This is confirmed by the inability of the mind to explain everything and protect a person from problems and troubles. There is a very simple way out of this situation: rely on flows for options. The rationale for this is also very simple: flows contain precisely what the mind is looking for - expediency.
As you know, flows follow the path of least resistance.
The mind also strives to reason sensibly and logically, based on cause-and-effect relationships. But imperfection of mind does not allow him to accurately navigate the world around him and find the only correct solutions.
Nature is initially perfect, therefore there is more expediency and logic in flows than in the wisest reasoning. And no matter how convinced the mind is that it is thinking sensibly, it will still make mistakes. However, the mind will make mistakes in any case, but there will be much fewer of them if it moderates its zeal and, if possible, allows problems to be resolved without its active intervention.
You already know that putting pressure on the world is not only useless, but also harmful. By not agreeing with the flow, the mind creates excess potentials. Transurfing offers a completely different path. Firstly, we create obstacles ourselves, pumping up excess potentials. If you reduce the importance, the obstacles will disappear on their own. Secondly, if an obstacle cannot be overcome, you should not fight it, but simply bypass it. Guide signs will help with this.
The trouble with the mind is that it tends to perceive events that do not fit into its scenario as obstacles. The mind usually plans everything in advance, calculates, and if then the unexpected happens, he begins to actively fight it in order to adjust the events to his scenario.
As a result, the situation is getting even worse. Of course, the mind is not able to plan events perfectly. This is where we need to give more freedom to the flow. The current is not interested in breaking your destiny. This, again, is impractical. Fate is broken by the mind with its unreasonable actions.
Think for yourself: when are people happy, satisfied, satisfied with themselves? When everything goes according to plan. Any deviation from the script is perceived as failure.
Inner importance does not allow the mind to accept the possibility of deviation. The mind thinks: “After all, I planned everything in advance, calculated it. I better know what is good for me and what is bad. I am reasonable." Life often gives people gifts that they accept reluctantly because they didn't plan for them. “This is not the toy I wanted!”
The reality is that we rarely get exactly the toys we planned, so we all walk around so angry and dissatisfied. Now imagine how much more joyful life will be if the mind will reduce its importance and recognize the right to the existence of deviations in the scenario!
Everyone can regulate their own level of happiness. The lower bar for this level is very high for most people, so they do not consider themselves happy. I don't encourage you to be content with what you have. A dubious formula, such as “if you want to be happy, be happy,” is not suitable for Transurfing. You will receive your toy, but we'll talk about that later. Now we're talking about about how to avoid troubles and reduce the number of problems.
It is the mind's reluctance to allow deviations in its script that prevents it from taking advantage of ready-made solutions in the flow of options. The manic tendency of the mind to keep everything under control turns life into a continuous struggle with the flow. How can he allow the current to run its course without obeying his will? This is where we come to the most main mistake mind.
The mind strives to control not its movement with the flow, but the flow itself. This is one of the main reasons for all sorts of problems and troubles.
An expedient flow moving along the path of least resistance cannot generate problems and obstacles - they are generated by a stupid mind. Activate the Overseer and observe, at least for one day, how your mind tries to control the flow:
Maybe for you personally, everything happens a little differently, but there is still some truth. Right?
Now try loosening the grip of your control and allowing more freedom to flow. I am not suggesting that you agree with everyone and accept everything. Just change your tactics: shift your center of gravity from control to observation. Strive to observe rather than control. Do not rush to dismiss, object, argue, prove your point, interfere, manage, criticize.
Give the situation a chance to resolve without your active intervention or opposition. You will be, if not stunned, then definitely surprised. And a completely paradoxical thing will happen. By giving up control, you will gain even more control over the situation than you had before.
An outside observer always has a greater advantage than a direct participant. That's why I keep saying: rent yourself out.
When you look back, you will see that your control went against the grain. The suggestions of others were not without merit. There was no point in arguing at all. Your intervention was unnecessary. What you saw as obstacles were not obstacles at all. Problems are already resolved safely without your knowledge. What you didn't get as planned isn't that bad. Randomly thrown phrases really have power. Your mental discomfort served as a warning. You didn’t waste any extra energy and were satisfied. This is the luxurious gift of flow to the mind that I spoke about at the beginning.
And of course, in addition to everything that has been said, let’s remember about our “friends”. Pendulums prevent you from moving in accordance with the flow. At every step they provoke a person, forcing him to pound the water with his hands. The presence of a flow in a current does not suit pendulums for the simple reason that the flow goes in the direction of minimal energy consumption. The energy expended by a person to fight the flow goes to create excess potentials and feed pendulums. The only control that deserves attention is control over the level of internal and external importance. Remember that it is the importance that prevents the mind from letting go of the situation.
In many cases, letting go of the situation is much more effective and useful than insisting on your own. People's desire for self-affirmation since childhood gives rise to the habit of proving one’s importance. This is where the tendency to prove one’s rightness comes from, which is harmful in all respects at any cost. This desire creates excess potential and conflicts with the interests of other people. Often people try to prove that they are right even in cases where the verdict in one direction or another does not directly affect their interests.
Some people have such an exaggerated sense of inner importance that they strive to insist on their own in every little detail. Inner importance develops into a mania to keep everything under control: “I will prove to everyone that I am right, no matter what the cost.” Bad habit. It makes life very difficult, especially for the defender of the truth himself.
If your interests do not suffer greatly from this, feel free to let go of the situation and give others the right to beat their hands in the water. If you do this consciously, you will immediately feel at ease in your soul, even easier than if you had proven your point of view. You will be satisfied with the fact that you have risen to a higher level: you have not, as usual, defended your importance, but acted like a wise parent with foolish children.
Let me give you another example.
Excessive zeal at work is as harmful as carelessness. Let's say you got a prestigious job that you have long dreamed of. You present yourself high requirements, because you think that you are obliged to show yourself at your best.
That's right, but if you get down to business too zealously, you most likely won’t be able to withstand the stress, especially if the task is complex. At best, your work will be ineffective, and at worst, you will have a nervous breakdown. You may even falsely believe that you are unable to do the job.
Another option is possible. You develop vigorous activity, and thereby disrupt the established order of things. You feel like there's a lot you can improve at work, and you're absolutely confident that you're doing the right thing. However, if your innovations entail a disruption in the usual way of life of your employees, do not expect anything good. This is the case when initiative is punishable. You have been placed in a slow, but calm and balanced current, and you are beating your hands on the water with all your might, trying to swim faster.
Well, now it turns out that you can’t say a word against it, and you can’t stick your neck out at all? Well, not quite that tough. We must approach this issue from a mercantile point of view. You can only be indignant and scold what directly bothers you, and only if your criticism can change something for the better. Never criticize something that has already happened and cannot be changed. Otherwise, the principle of going with the flow should not be applied literally, agreeing with everyone and everything, but only by shifting the center of gravity from control to observation. Observe more and do not rush to control. A sense of proportion will come to you on its own, you don’t have to worry about it. published
How to let go of the situation? This is a question that concerns people who have experienced difficult life situation and those who want to quickly find its solution.
A person seeking to understand how to learn to let go of a situation must first analyze his problem. You need to concentrate on it and take it apart, think about what exactly is bothering you: guilt, unspoken feelings, hidden feelings (anger, anger, resentment).
A person trying to figure out how to let go of a situation needs to know: it doesn’t matter how old the situation is, a year, a month or a couple of days, if it doesn’t leave you alone, then it has meaning for the person. A person who lives by past events will not be able to calmly continue to live and build the future.
To let go of the situation, you should think carefully and then decide what can be done now with this problem, what can give results right now. The main thing is not to be inactive, because this will drag on the situation and it will be even harder to let it go.
To let go of the situation, you should muster up the courage and do everything necessary that will help you let go of the intense feelings, if previously at the right moment the person was afraid, did not want to, did not dare to say or do what was right. It will be possible to let go of the problem when a person dares to do everything necessary for this.
Sometimes, in order to let go of a problematic situation, you need to distract yourself from it. One should think about why, due to the current situation, a person cannot experience personal happiness, live a free life, is life really so monotonous that there is nothing to do except reproach oneself.
You should not assume that life will become better only if you achieve a specific goal or if a certain person is nearby. The thought that it is impossible to be happy without this will not allow a person to grow and develop further personally; moreover, negative thoughts will only stagnate a person. You need to think positively, believe that everything will turn out for the best, because time passes, and with it all feelings smooth out, anger passes, grievances seem not so serious.
To change your life, correct mistakes, let go of the situation, you should be in an upbeat mood. good mood, because a person tries to change everything for the better, and that means for a positive result. Optimism is not an indicator of a person’s frivolity, as some people think, it allows him to be firm in his intentions, strengths, and means to understand well his main goal and task.
Many are unable to let go of the situation; they live by it, feed on the sensations they experience, replaying certain moments in their heads every time. These people are addicted to external factors, therefore, are unable to let go of their situation and find a solution to it.
Of course, a problematic situation can be depressing, so you should allow yourself to become happy. To do this, you need to sincerely forgive yourself for your failures and past mistakes and let them go. It is necessary to realize that mistakes or actions brought experience. It is worth letting go of the past and starting to live again, relying on the foundation of past mistakes, letting in the light and filling your life with it.
How to let go of a situation - psychology
During a showdown, people become very emotional, strong feelings They cover everything headlong, and people no longer find out, but each prove that they are right, without hearing the interlocutor and often uttering thoughts that appear in their heads, to which the individuals themselves do not give an account. This is how problems are born that become more significant than the original ones.
How to learn to let go of the situation and stop thinking about the situation all the time for a certain time to refresh your thoughts. The longer you think and “rethink” a situation, the more complex and confusing it will seem. By remembering various details of the conflict, a person will become increasingly angry or sad. This will make the situation worse, and it certainly won’t help to let it go and fix it.
When emotions subside, people realize that they said a lot of unnecessary things. Therefore, it is better to initially try to prevent this moment. This requires strong self-control and attentiveness in order to feel when the situation begins to heat up and stop in time.
After you have abstracted yourself a little from the problematic situation that you want to let go of, you need to look at it in a new way. In a good way there will be a replay of the situation in the mind, on the part of the observer, in order to thoroughly analyze his own words and emotions, and the words of the other party.
To let go conflict situation, it is required to understand the motives of the interlocutor, which guided him when he behaved hostilely. Perhaps he had some personality issues that he was worried about at the time, so he was angry and took all his negativity out on you. He could even be tired, sick or anxious, so you shouldn’t immediately take on his malicious statements or actions.
How to let go of the situation and not think about it in this case? You should imagine yourself standing in the place of your interlocutor. It can be assumed that it is also difficult for him and he is worried, since he himself did not imagine that the situation would take such an outcome.
Forgiveness very often helps in how to let go of the situation and begin to move on without offense. If it is difficult to immediately talk to a person, you can mentally imagine yourself asking for forgiveness. It is necessary to imagine it as vividly as if it were now before your eyes. It doesn’t matter who started the quarrel first, and if a person is worried about the situation that happened and wants to let it go, then certain steps need to be taken. It is worth arousing the most sincere feelings in yourself, apologizing from the bottom of your heart, saying that he also forgives and does not hold grudges or grudges.
It is necessary to do this until a feeling of lightness and freedom overtakes; it should bring with it relaxation and calm. When you manage to achieve this state, you will be able to let go of the situation.
This method helps well to let go of the situation, promotes the resumption of relationships after a conflict and liberation from negative feelings. After the “trial” forgiveness in absentia, you should dare to meet or talk on the phone, try to start a conversation, ask for forgiveness “live”. It is necessary to do this in order to finally let go of the situation.
How to let go of the situation - advice from a psychologist:
It is necessary to refuse erroneous beliefs. Many people ruin their personal lives through their actions. You should not hold on to old principles and beliefs that prevent you from adequately contacting people and be afraid to let them go.
People value principles so much that they make critical mistakes because of them and break up with loved ones. It is worth admitting to yourself that no one else is to blame for this. If everyone tells an individual that he cannot be so principled in a relationship, then he needs to be less categorical. You need to admit that you made a mistake and let go of beliefs and categorical principles, be simpler, then the world will change.
How to let go of a situation and a person from your heart and thoughts
If a person goes through the current situation for quite a long time, through the departure of a person, it means that he has complexes, he is indecisive, has too low self-esteem, and experiences feelings of guilt and resentment.
To let go of the situation, you need to get rid of these qualities and allow yourself a happy life.
What does it mean to let go of a situation and let a person go? You need to understand that letting go means living without memories of a person, thanking for a new experience, putting an end to it if nothing good “sticks together.” We must learn to live again, fully. Needs to be worked out own feelings, and not just resign yourself to doom and live on with gloomy thoughts.
The negative experiences that have accumulated inside as a result of the separation must find a way out, so the first thing is to let them go - cry, do it once, but very thoroughly, so much so that you feel empty inside and no longer want to cry when remembering these experiences.
How to let go of a situation in a relationship with a man? You need to consciously evaluate how these relationships proceeded, take off your “rose-colored glasses,” and look at these relationships from a different angle. Of course, every woman wants her relationship with a man to be the most ideal, but some disagreements, quarrels and misunderstandings still occur. Therefore, it is worth remembering precisely these unpleasant times, and not idealizing the “former” as the only and best.
If a woman is worried about the question of how to let go of the situation in a relationship with a man, you can use one psychotherapeutic method. You should express all your disturbing thoughts and exciting emotions by writing a letter. Allow yourself a free flow of thoughts, you need to express what is painful. This technique helps the person to get out from within all the hidden feelings that haunt him and do not allow him to experience joy. In this way, she can let go of all emotions, and no one will be offended.
It is necessary to address a specific person, to write what you want to express, without thinking about whether it is good or bad, not to hide, not to conceal. It’s just not advisable to send it, since it won’t bring anything good; the meaning of the method here is different. After finishing writing a letter, you need to destroy it, tear it up, burn it or throw it away, and let go of exciting thoughts with it.
To let a person go, you should remove all objects that remind you of him (things, gifts), so that you don’t cry, remembering the lost moments. Regrets must be put aside. If previously you had to worry about your partner and devote less time to your own needs, now you can become more self-centered, think more about yourself, personal needs that never had the opportunity to be realized. Find new reasons for joy. This will help you let go of the situation and drive your sad and negative thoughts away.
In order not to feel loneliness, you should enlist the support of friends, they will find the necessary words, you just have to listen to them a little.
Understanding that you need to organize your future, dream, even without a specific person, will definitely help you forget the past.
Almost every individual has experienced a feeling of unrequited love. To make it easier to let a person go from your thoughts, you need to realize that since he rejected the offer of love, then you should have pride and should not constantly impose yourself on him, and again experience rejection, which makes you even more upset every time. You need to develop self-esteem. If a person learned about feelings, but did not respond to them immediately, then he should take a neutral position. It is necessary to let go of expectations so that they do not accidentally encounter a reality that is completely different from what a person imagines. It is important to be a little philosophical, to think that there is a time for everything, and also to think that it is impossible for one person to belong to another if he does not have mutual feelings for him.
In order to let go of the situation in a relationship, you should not idealize your chosen one at all, because he, like all people, has shortcomings, so it is worth assessing them objectively and focusing on them. Over time, it will begin to seem that he is not as good as he seemed at first. You need to stop all contacts and connections with him; the less something reminds you of him, the faster you can let him go.
The human psyche has the ability to recreate in memory pleasant memories of life, which can give a person a good state, liberation from anger and resentment, accumulated negativity over the years of life, which allows for mental rest. This state is reminiscent of a state of meditation, which immerses the individual in relaxation, gives balance and serenity, something that is very necessary for everyone, especially when a person has problems and intends to let them go, leaving peace in the soul.
To be a healthy, strong, more balanced person, to be able to let go of the situation, you need to regularly immerse yourself in such a relaxed state. Disconnect the body from all the everyday bustle, problems and conflicts, let go of all the accumulated bad and disturbing thoughts about an unworthy person.
Almost every individual often forgets about himself while worrying about others. Thus, he is governed by erroneous stereotypes, which are almost always at odds with internal rhythms. You should worry more about yourself, your personal health and pay attention to what contributions those around you make to your life, then if they do not bring sincere joy with happiness, then it is better to let them go from your heart.
How to let go of a situation in a relationship
In life there are various situations in relationships that need to be forgotten. For example, if a partner betrayed or cheated and cannot forgive this person, then you should forget him and let him go. Has he not done enough in the relationship for this to be his punishment?
To make it easier to let go of the situation in a relationship, you should take into account the existing facts, everything that previously happened and is happening. For example, you said goodbye to your partner, even if without scandals, and a little later you begin to think how bad it is without him, but he himself does not think of returning, then the conclusion suggests itself - let go and move on without getting hung up on him.
One day a person begins to think again, remember about him, but if such thoughts leave, then the individual will see that it is still possible to live without him. You should give yourself a clear instruction to let go of the situation, not to remember your ex. Being fixated on the past can interfere with creating a happy family and making new plans. How formerly man understands this, the faster he can create a new life.
Many individuals believe that it is right that after a breakup it is worth getting rid of feelings, but by doing this they draw themselves even more into this love. You need to allow yourself these feelings for a while, but set aside time for them, don’t cry all the time, but go about your urgent affairs as always, but at the appointed time, cry and swear. Thus, a person learns self-control.
If he knows for sure that he allows himself to remember a person in set time, he will get tired of it over time. Throughout the day, he is busy with business, so he cannot be distracted by extraneous thoughts, and in the evening, after all the work at home, he will want to psychologically relax, and not grieve. Since your ex is better off without you around, then you will become a happy person without him.
When a person tries to solve a problem, he tries various options, but he is unable to do this, then it is best to let go of the situation, i.e. let it take its course, let it resolve itself. It often happens that while an individual does not fuss, his feelings smooth out, and he forgets the thoughts that previously worried him. That's why time is considered the best doctor. You should stop controlling the situation and observe the current situation.
By getting to the bottom, assessing the situation, you can open the relationship and make yourself understand - this failed relationship had no future. If it had happened differently, then they would have ended differently, it’s logical. So, it means you should let go of the situation with ease.
If you can’t let go of the situation on your own, then you should enlist the support of a psychologist who will help resolve current problems and difficulties and teach you how to cope with them.
A loving individual not only himself, will not limit anyone and adjust his behavior to his own framework of beliefs. Because no one owes anyone anything, even if at first they promised to love forever. It's just that one person attached meaning to these promises, and another made them, but had no intention of keeping them. You should not cling to a person or to something that does not fit with the flow of your life, as this is fraught big problems, it's better to let him go. We must learn to maintain balance, because everything flows and changes.
Fear does not allow you to let go of the situation; it is also worth getting rid of. You need to accept the truth and be grateful for it. Letting go with gratitude for the experience gained in the relationship, which was accompanied by tears and laughter, which helped to grow internally. To forget a painful memory, you need to accept what is now, what was, and realize your capabilities. You need to find the strength to accept all life changes, trust your intuition and appreciate your achievements. Any experience is priceless; only by understanding this can you continue your confident, successful path.
When problems arise, it’s always a test. This is a kind of test of readiness for life changes and risks. If the situation changes, you should not be afraid of it, and take steps back, you should only go forward. Because life moves in a forward direction and you need to let go of the old.
When wondering how to let go of a situation in a relationship, you need to tell yourself that you should stop clinging to them and live for your future. When a person manages to forget about the past, then in the soul where significant relationships previously occupied a place, a void forms, and in order not to feel it so strongly, it is necessary to fill it with communication. Make new acquaintances, reunite with former friends and relatives, but, closing yourself off from others, the person will feel unhappy.
The existence of flows in the flow of options frees the mind from two overwhelming burdens: the need to rationally solve problems and constantly monitor the situation. Of course, provided that he allows himself to be freed. For the mind to allow this, it needs a more or less rational explanation. As you noticed, there is a lot of irrational stuff in this book that is not consistent with the position of common sense. And although the purpose of Transurfing is not to explain the structure of the world around us, one way or another I constantly have to justify all these conclusions that shock the mind.
The two mentioned burdens have been placed on the mind since childhood. We were constantly taught: “Think with your own head! Are you aware of what you are doing? Explain to me your action! Learn your lessons, only with your mind you can achieve something in life. Your stupid head! Are you going to think or not?” Educators and circumstances molded the mind into a “soldier”, ready at any moment to find an explanation, give an answer to the question posed, assess the situation, make a decision, and maintain control over what is happening. The mind is trained to act expediently from the point of view of common sense.
Just don’t think that I’m so presumptuous that I’m ready to completely dismiss common sense. On the contrary, common sense is the minimum necessary set of rules for how to behave in the world around us in order to survive. But the mistake of the mind is that it follows this code of rules literally and too straightforwardly. An obsession with common sense prevents the mind from looking around and seeing what does not agree with these rules.
And there are a lot of discrepancies with common sense in the world. This is confirmed by the inability of the mind to explain everything and protect a person from problems and troubles. There is a very simple way out of this situation: rely on flows for options. The rationale for this is also very simple: flows contain precisely what the mind is looking for - expediency. As you know, flows follow the path of least resistance. The mind strives to reason sensibly and logically, based on cause-and-effect relationships. But the imperfection of the mind does not allow it to accurately navigate the world around us and find the only correct solutions.
Nature is initially perfect, therefore there is more expediency and logic in flows than in the wisest reasoning. And no matter how convinced the mind is that it is thinking sensibly, it will still make mistakes. However, the mind will make mistakes in any case, but much less if it moderates its zeal and, if possible, allows problems to be resolved without its active intervention. This is called letting go of the situation. In other words, you need to loosen your grip, reduce control, not interfere with the flow, and give more freedom to the world around you.
You already know that putting pressure on the world is not only useless, but also harmful. By not agreeing with the flow, the mind creates excess potentials. Transurfing offers a completely different path. Firstly, we create obstacles ourselves, pumping up excess potentials. If you reduce the importance, the obstacles will disappear on their own. Secondly, if an obstacle cannot be overcome, you should not fight it, but simply bypass it. Guide signs will help with this.
The trouble with the mind is that it tends to perceive events that do not fit into its scenario as obstacles. The mind usually plans everything in advance, calculates it, and if then the unexpected happens, it begins to actively fight it in order to adjust the events to its scenario. As a result, the situation is getting even worse. Of course, the mind is not able to plan events perfectly. This is where we need to give more freedom to the flow. The current is not interested in breaking your destiny. This is again impractical. Fate is broken by the mind with its unreasonable actions.
Expediency, from the point of view of reason, is when everything goes according to the planned scenario. Anything that does not agree is perceived as an unwanted problem. But the problem must be solved, which the mind takes on with great zeal, giving rise to new problems. Thus, the mind itself piles up a lot of obstacles on its way.
Think for yourself: when are people happy, satisfied, satisfied with themselves? When everything goes according to plan. Any deviation from the script is perceived as failure. Inner importance does not allow the mind to accept the possibility of deviation. The mind thinks: “After all, I planned everything in advance, calculated it. I better know what is good for me and what is bad. I am reasonable." Life often gives people gifts that they accept reluctantly because they didn't plan for them. “This is not the toy I wanted!” The reality is that we rarely get exactly the toys we planned, so we all walk around so gloomy and dissatisfied. Now imagine how much more joyful life will be if the mind reduces its importance and recognizes the right to the existence of deviations in the scenario!
Everyone can regulate their own level of happiness. The lower bar for this level is very high for most people, so they do not consider themselves happy. I don't encourage you to be content with what you have. A dubious formula like “if you want to be happy, be happy” is not suitable for Transurfing. You will receive your toy, but we'll talk about that later. Now we are talking about how to avoid troubles and reduce the number of problems.
It is the mind’s reluctance to allow deviations in its scenario that prevents it from using ready-made solutions in the flow of options. The manic tendency of the mind to keep everything under control turns life into a continuous struggle with the flow. How can he allow the current to run its course without obeying his will? Here we come to the most important mistake of the mind. The mind strives to control not its movement with the flow, but the flow itself. This is one of the main reasons for all sorts of problems and troubles.
An expedient flow moving along the path of least resistance cannot generate problems and obstacles - they are generated by a stupid mind. Activate the Watcher and observe, at least for one day, how the mind tries to control the flow. They offer you something, but you refuse; they try to tell you something, but you brush it off. Someone expresses their point of view, and you argue, someone does it their own way - you guide him on the right path. They offer you a solution, but you object. You expect one thing, but get another and express dissatisfaction. Someone interferes and you become furious. Something goes against your script - and you rush into a frontal attack to direct the flow in the right direction. Maybe for you personally everything happens a little differently, but there is still some truth. Right?
Now try loosening the grip of your control and allowing more freedom to flow. I am not suggesting that you agree with everyone and accept everything. Just change your tactics: shift your center of gravity from control to observation. Strive to observe rather than control. Do not rush to dismiss, object, argue, prove your point, interfere, manage, criticize. Give the situation a chance to resolve without your active intervention or opposition. You will be, if not stunned, then certainly surprised. And a completely paradoxical thing will happen. By giving up control, you will gain even more control over the situation than you had before. An outside observer always has a greater advantage than a direct participant. That's why I keep saying: rent yourself out.
When you look back, you will see that your control went against the grain. The suggestions of others were not without merit. There was no point in arguing at all. Your intervention was unnecessary. What you saw as obstacles were not obstacles at all. Problems are already resolved safely without your knowledge. What you didn't get as planned isn't that bad. Randomly thrown phrases really have power. Your mental discomfort served as a warning. You didn’t waste any extra energy and were satisfied. This is the luxurious gift of flow to the mind that I spoke about at the beginning.
And, of course, in addition to everything that has been said, let’s remember about our “friends”. Pendulums prevent you from moving in accordance with the flow. At every step they provoke a person, forcing him to pound the water with his hands. The presence of a flow in a current does not suit pendulums for the simple reason that the flow itself goes in the direction of minimal energy consumption. The energy expended by a person to fight the flow goes to create excess potentials and feed pendulums. The only control worth paying attention to is control over the level of internal and external importance. Remember that it is the importance that prevents the mind from letting go of the situation.
In many cases, letting go of the situation is much more effective and useful than insisting on your own. People's desire for self-affirmation since childhood gives rise to the habit of proving their importance. This is where the tendency to prove one’s rightness comes from, which is harmful in all respects at any cost. This desire creates excess potential and conflicts with the interests of other people. Often people try to prove that they are right even in cases where the verdict in one direction or another does not directly affect their interests.
Some people have such an exaggerated sense of inner importance that they strive to insist on their own in every little detail. Inner importance develops into a mania to keep everything under control: “I will prove to everyone that I am right, no matter what the cost.” Bad habit. It makes life very difficult, first of all, for the defender of the truth himself.
If your interests do not suffer greatly from this, feel free to let go of the situation and give others the right to beat their hands in the water. If you do this consciously, your soul will immediately become easier, even easier than if you proved your point of view. You will be satisfied with the fact that you have risen to a higher level: you have not, as usual, defended your importance, but acted like a wise parent with foolish children.
Let's give another example. Excessive zeal at work is as harmful as carelessness. Let's say you got a prestigious job that you have long dreamed of. You place high demands on yourself because you believe that you are obligated to show your best. This is correct, but if you take on a task too zealously, you will most likely not be able to withstand the stress, especially if the task is complex. At best, your work will be ineffective, and at worst, you will have a nervous breakdown. You may even falsely believe that you are unable to do the job.
Another option is possible. You develop vigorous activity and thereby disrupt the established order of things. There seems to be a lot of room for improvement at work, and you are absolutely confident that you are doing the right thing. However, if your innovations entail a disruption in the usual way of life of your employees, do not expect anything good. This is the case when initiative is punishable. You have been placed in a slow, but calm and balanced current, and you are beating your hands on the water with all your might, trying to swim faster.
Well, now it turns out that you can’t say a word against it and you shouldn’t stick your neck out at all? Well, not quite that tough. We must approach this issue from a mercantile point of view. You can only be indignant and scold what directly bothers you, and only if your criticism can change something for the better. Never criticize something that has already happened and cannot be changed. Otherwise, the principle of going with the flow should not be applied literally, agreeing with everything and everyone, but only by shifting the center of gravity from control to observation. Observe more and do not rush to control. A sense of proportion will come to you on its own, you don’t have to worry about it.
A person who is trying to figure out how to take a break from constantly thinking about a problem must realize that it doesn’t matter how old it is or how big it is. If a situation bothers you and doesn’t leave you alone, then it makes sense.
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Anyone who lives in memories, does not let go of past relationships, betrayal, old resentment, will not be able to find new friends, find harmony with loved ones and open his heart to meeting his soul mate.
To start living a full life again and let go of overwhelming feelings, you need to:
It is important to learn to give love and attention to others. Family members, friends, colleagues will be happy to feel supported and help. By giving others care, warmth and love, a person not only takes his mind off his problems, but also develops independence, self-esteem and receives great joy.
How to forgive an offense and let go
Learning to let go means stopping holding a person in your thoughts, controlling him and mastering your emotions so that they do not depend on his actions.
The main reason for negative reactions is the perception of the situation, not the problem or person itself. Therefore, it is important to learn to clear your mind and be able to relax.
To let go of a problem in a relationship with a man, psychologists recommend:
One of the popular ways to say goodbye to the past is reality transurfing. This is a training course based on the following principles:
The simplest truth is that there is nothing eternal on earth. The appearance and departure of people are natural and inevitable processes. Looking at separation from this side, it will be much easier to forget the person. It is better to accept the breakup and thank the man for the life lesson. And if this is your person, then he will not disappear anywhere for a long time.
The article is devoted to a new approach to solving the problem of emotional dependence. The idea is that emotional addiction is determined by the feelings or parts of the subject's personality that are "invested" in the object of addiction. These feelings or parts of the personality can be brought back using emotional imagery therapy, which leads to immediate and complete liberation from addiction.
Examples of specific correctional work with various cases of emotional dependence using the specified method. The possibilities of expanding the method to many related areas of therapy are shown.
Emotional dependence is the loss of personal autonomy, or a sense of personal autonomy, for emotional reasons.
Moreover, the subject of this dependence:
1. Experiences suffering due to the inaccessibility of the object of his feelings, or due to the inability to change his behavior, or due to the inadequate power of the object over him;
2. Feels the impossibility of liberation from addiction;
3. The feeling that binds him has a chronic bad influence on life path, general well-being, decision-making and behavior of the subject.
There are quite a lot of options for emotional addictions. It could be love addiction from a specific person with whom the relationship has ceased or, on the contrary, cannot be terminated.
Perhaps this is a dependence on the very feeling of love (erotomania), so that the object of the feeling is not unique. This may be an addiction based on a sense of duty, when, for example, a woman is afraid to leave an alcoholic or drug addict, because he will “disappear” without her, and she will feel guilty.
This may be an addiction based on feelings of hatred or resentment, when the connection does not stop because these feelings do not find their resolution.
This may be dependence on the mother (or another person) with whom an emotional merger (confluence) occurred. In this case, the subject automatically experiences the same feelings as the object.
This may be a dependence based on a feeling of one’s own helplessness, when the subject feels complete subordination to another person. For example, a girl may feel that psychologically she is still in the womb and is afraid to face the real world.
This may be an emotional dependence on a person who has already died, to whom the subject was unable to say goodbye. This may be a dependence on the terrible or, conversely, wonderful past in which the subject still lives. It may be a dependence on the future in which the subject has invested his dreams and hopes. Etc.
A subject can suffer for many years from a feeling that makes him dependent, sometimes without even realizing it, sometimes resigning himself to it, and sometimes not wanting to part with it. Psychological assistance in these cases is aimed at ensuring that the client moves from a state of dependence to a state of independence, and in the future, if he wants, to a state of interdependence.
The last name seems to us not very successful, although it is accepted in the literature. One might think that now both individuals will become slaves to each other. But what is meant is that both will be free and, nevertheless, can feel the need for each other and can love each other without experiencing a constraining feeling of coercion and limitation of possibilities.
Liberation is always accompanied by a feeling of lightness and lack of restrictions, a calm and balanced reaction to the behavior of another person. It would be good, for example, if in the event of an unexpected breakup a young man could say in the words of a cheerful song: “If the bride leaves for someone else, then it is not known who is lucky.”
Unfortunately, sometimes they say with anger: “So don’t let anyone get you!” or “Did you pray before going to bed, Desdemona?” or with a depressive meaning: “My life is over.” Professional therapeutic help is often needed to heal a heart wound, and this is a big and difficult job. But…
Using the EOT method, we were able to find some fast and effective ways solving a number of the problems listed above, achieving a state of independence by the individual, which at the same time advanced us in understanding the essence of emotional dependence itself, the psychological mechanisms of its occurrence. I'll start with an example.
Example 1. "Blue Ball".
At a seminar that I conducted at one institute for third-year students, a student invited me to help her with the problem of unrequited love. She had been under the influence of this feeling for two years now.
Every day she only thought about “him,” she lived purely mechanically, nothing really interested her, she could not love someone else, as her friends advised her. She visited a psychoanalyst at one time, but this did not help her at all.
To begin with, I invited her to imagine that the same young man was on the chair in front of her and describe the experiences that she was experiencing. She replied that her whole body, her whole body, was madly attracted to him, and this feeling was localized in her chest.
Further, following the basic scheme of therapy, I invited her to imagine an image of this feeling in the same chair where the young man had previously “sat.” She replied that it was a bright blue ball, which certainly belonged to her. At the same time, she wanted to throw away this ball, but she could not do this, because, according to her, then it was as if she had died.
Already at this stage the structure of the impasse in which she found herself became apparent. She clearly wanted to repress her feelings, because of which she suffered, but at the same time she did not want to lose them.
Her ability to love in the form of a blue ball was projected onto young man, and she was deprived of contact with this part of the personality, so she felt apathy, lived mechanically and could not love someone else. The same projection created a powerful attraction to find that blue ball again.
Then I suggested that she try both options in turn to get out of the impasse:
1. Throw the ball away completely;
2. Accept it as part of your personality.
After this, it was possible to make sure which action would be most suitable for her. However, she showed strong resistance and flatly refused both options.
In order to shake up this rigid system, I invited group members to participate in this process. Each one in turn stood behind the girl and on her behalf made a speech in which he justified his decision to throw out or accept this ball. This question affected everyone and everyone spoke very emotionally. After that, she still didn't make any decision.
Then I decided to aggravate the situation even more and applied a Gestalt therapy technique, inviting her to stand in the middle of the room with her arms out to the sides, and everyone else to pull her in the direction of the decision they had made and persuade her to do just that.
The fight broke out seriously, for some reason all the men were in favor of throwing the ball away, and all the women were in favor of leaving it. But the main action happened very quickly, the girl literally screamed: “I won’t give it up for anything!” - and rushed towards the group of women, although the men held her very tightly.
Since the decision had been made, I stopped the “game” and asked her how she was feeling. With surprise, she admitted that she felt very good, and the ball was now in her heart.
I invited her to sit down and again imagine that young man in front of her.
- How do you feel now?
“It’s strange, I feel tenderness for him, but I don’t suffer.”
-Can you let him go now? Tell him that you wish him happiness without you?
- Yes, now I can. (Referring to the image of a young man). I let you go and wish you happiness regardless of me.
She saw the image of the young man move away and melt away, and this made her feel even better.
Now I offered her my interpretation: “The blue ball is your heart. It was given to the young man.” I said that along with those feelings that she wanted to get rid of, she also threw away her own heart, which provides the ability to love and feel, which is why she was in apathy.
Now that her heart is in the right place, she can not suffer and let this person go, while at the same time maintaining warm feelings for him. So Pushkin in his famous poem said goodbye to his beloved: “I loved you, there may still be love.”
After this explanation, another girl said:
- I understood. I had the same thing for eight years. I psychologically held him all the time, tormented myself, tormented others, I could not truly live and love. Now I want to finish this.
In a fit of emotion, she jumped onto a chair and loudly announced that from now on he was free and could live as he wanted, and she was free too.
The seminar ended with a general discussion.
A week later I met the first girl again at the seminar, her face was glowing, she said:
- Thank you very much. For the first time I lived a week happily.
I watched her for the rest of the semester, everything was fine. At the last lesson, she said that she was no longer suffering, but she still had happy memories of that love.
A comment. Later I realized that this is how almost all situations with emotional dependence work. We are always talking about the fact that along with the loss of a beloved object, the investments that he once invested in it in the hope of receiving emotional “dividends” are “torn away” from a person. He feels loss, part of his soul is lost. He cannot create new relationships because he has nothing left to invest.
But investments in relationships make them reliable and significant, then relationships are valued. If another person reciprocates the first, then everyone is happy, and a strong emotional connection is established between them, ensuring good foundation to start a family. When both parties to the process make mutual investments, this ensures their happiness, they have not only their favorite object, but also their own investments, because they are also with them, if the relationship is not broken.
Moreover, with them are the investments that the “opposite side” made in them. Everyone is pleased to know that they are dear to their loved one, that they are trying for you.
This idea became the basis for a whole series good luck with your work to overcome emotional dependence. Of course, it cannot be said that the heart of one individual actually moves into the person he loves, and the latter disposes of it. But it’s not for nothing that lovers so often say that they gave their hearts to the one they love.
As the poets write: “My heart is in the mountains, and I myself am below...” In subjective reality, something is possible that does not happen objectively, however, it has a very real and objective impact on the life of an individual.
If a subject has implemented in his subjective world (the term “projection” is also suitable) some part of his personality into another person, then he feels a constant connection with him, his dependence. He is attached insofar as his feelings or part of his personality are firmly attached to another.
Freud said that as a result of fixation, part of the libido, but not part of the personality, is attached to an object or its image, as a result of which the object begins to have an emotional charge for that individual, this was called cathexis.
In his famous work Melancholia, Freud says that the work of grief is that libido is gradually withdrawn from a loved but lost object.
But he did not indicate that this fixation of libido has the meaning of investment in the future. And this is very important! Essentially this is a new theory of love. Fixation does not occur because the object is simply liked; the subject may like many people of the opposite sex and other objects. But it doesn't happen decisive choice, the subject does not “bet” on this person.
If he makes a “bet,” this means that he firmly ties his fate, his happiness, his future with this person. He invests the energy of his hopes and dreams into the future, hoping for a long life. life together, hoping to receive many dividends, for example, counting on sexual happiness, giving birth and raising children, joint interesting life, public approval, etc.
No wonder lovers ask each other: “Do you love me?”, “Will you stop loving me?” and so on. They want to make sure that their investments are “profitable” and reliable, and that they will also invest in them. Moreover, I became convinced in therapeutic practice that investments control sexual desire, and not vice versa. Investments disappear and attraction disappears.
Example 2. "Bouquet of flowers."
A young man turned to me. “I can’t,” he says, “forget my first wife. She left me three years ago. She married a foreigner, left the country, gave birth to a child. I was depressed for two years, abandoned my favorite sport, I didn’t want anything.
Then I got over it, I recently got married, but I can’t love my second wife as much as I did my first, I always see myself as the first. I’m even ashamed in front of my second wife, but I can’t help it.”
– This means that you are still dependent on your first wife. You haven't let her go yet.
- No, I’ve already suffered my share. I've already experienced everything in two years.
– And we can easily check this.
- How is this possible?
– But imagine that your first wife is sitting on a chair here. What do you feel?
- Never mind. I don't care.
– Then you can easily tell her: “Goodbye, I wish you happiness in your personal life!
- No, for some reason I can’t say these words.
– Well, this means that you are dependent.
I explained to him the theory of investments and asked him to find an image of the feelings that he invested in his first wife, and which are still given to her. He said it was a beautiful bouquet of flowers.
– Are these really your flowers?
- Yes, these are my wonderful feelings that I gave to her.
– Take them and let them enter your body wherever they want.
“This bouquet entered my chest, it made me feel so good.” The energy has returned. Somehow it’s easier to breathe, and your hands rise on their own. I couldn't raise my arms after she left.
– Now look at this woman again (pointing to the chair).
– It’s strange, now it’s just a woman, of which there are millions.
– Can you now tell her: “Farewell, I wish you happiness in your personal life.”
- Yes, it’s easy now.
“Then tell me and see what happens to the image.”
– I speak and see how her image moves away and decreases. It completely disappeared, and it got even better.
– Now look at the second wife.
- Yes, now it’s a different matter.
“You can give her the bouquet then.” However, as you wish.
- No, why...
He was clearly in a hurry, and after a short goodbye he went home.
The return of the invested “capitals” back (into the body of the subject), when the destruction of the relationship has occurred, frees the subject and makes the beloved object neutral, the same as all other people. Neither Freud nor other famous psychoanalysts and therapists describe methods that would be specifically focused on returning the subject’s lost feelings or parts of the personality, otherwise everyone would have known about it long ago.
It is completely understandable why such methods were not created. Only the technology of emotional-imaginative therapy is suitable for this, since it allows you to present invested feelings in the form of an image and, through the return of this image to your own body, return lost resources. It is almost impossible to return feelings based only on verbal techniques.
Moreover, for most psychotherapists, the idea itself is not yet available due to the fact that the method in which feelings can be moved as an object, identified with them, accepted into one’s body or released, contradicts their traditional ideas. Let us explain with another example how this idea works within the framework of EOT.
Example 3. Golden lump.
A young man came to me to clarify his relationship with a girl. Their love began at the age of 15, it was strong and sincere. Even then they entered into sexual relations and were happy with each other. But the years passed, and it would have been time to get married, but he was a poor student and could not provide for his family.
Then she was offended and, abruptly breaking with her beloved, married a rich man. She gave birth to a child, but was not happy, she repented of her choice and soon began to seek restoration of relations with ex-lover. She divorced her husband, but still her main aspirations remained money and career.
The young man no longer wanted reconciliation with her, but could not free himself from his previous feelings, could not resist her insistence, although he no longer trusted her love. Now he could support his family, but did not want to connect his life with ex-girlfriend. At first I thought that he was simply expressing resentment and pride. Maybe we should help him forgive his unfaithful lover and reunite with her?
But he was firm in his intention to free himself from this emotional dependence. He was convinced of the girl’s low morality and believed that she was manipulating him. He could not understand how she could have previously neglected his wonderful feelings and caused him such pain.
He himself would never take the initiative to restore relations. The first session was used to clarify all the circumstances of the case and to make a final decision on what should be done.
At the beginning of the second meeting, the young man again confirmed that he had no intention of restoring the relationship, but needed help so that he would no longer be drawn to her, so that he would be freed from this dependence and suffering.
Following the theoretical ideas that emotional dependence rests only on those psychological “capitals” that a given subject “invested” in a loved one, I invited the client to create an image of these feelings in front of himself.
After thinking, the young man said that these feelings are like a huge golden lump from which sticks out a thread connecting him with balloon upstairs. We determined that this ball symbolizes the girl to whom he gave his feelings, hoping to keep her with the help of these feelings.
After this, I invited the client to absorb this lump, that is, his feelings, back into himself as his energy. At first he did not understand how this could be done. I suggested that he invite them back into his body, but he couldn't. Suddenly he himself found a solution:
- I have to enter this room myself! Because he's bigger than me.
- Well, do it.
In his imagination, he entered this lump and felt that previously lost feelings enveloped him from all sides, like a golden shining aura, they filled his entire body inside, and the ball flew off and hovered somewhere to the side.
– These feelings even protect me, I feel strength and independence. Now these feelings belong to me, and I can freely dispose of them, I can direct them to someone else. And how could she neglect such wonderful feelings?
– How do you feel about this girl now?
“You know, I really don’t care now.” I don’t even want to drive a Mercedes in front of her to get revenge. I'm truly free.
– We should meet again to make sure that the result is truly sustainable. May need some work.
- No, I'm absolutely sure. If necessary, I will call you again.
He left me with a very confident and strong gait, he didn’t call again.
A comment.This case, like the previous one and many others, shows that a subject can, with the help of conscious actions in relation to the image of his feelings, actually regain them, and thereby gain liberation from emotional dependence.
Traditionally, psychotherapists believe that a partner with whom the relationship has been destroyed should be mentally (and/or actually) forgiven and let go. However, it is not so easy to say goodbye, because the heart, soul and feelings still remain with the one to whom they were given, with whom they are connected.
Before you let go, you need to get your “investment” back, otherwise nothing will work out. Sometimes this happens spontaneously, but for the most part the problem of emotional dependence remains extremely difficult to solve, apparently due to a lack of understanding of the importance of this aspect and the lack of appropriate technology.
Psychotherapists often suggest mentally tearing or cutting the binding thread, mentally driving away the ex-spouse, etc. These mechanical methods sometimes they give liberation, but since it is not threads that bind people, but feelings, then for the most part there is no solution, or this solution is partial and unstable.
The return of feelings and parts of the personality with the help of a visually represented image of these feelings or parts of the personality does not cause resistance, since the individual does not lose anything. There is also nothing morally reprehensible in this action, because it does not harm the object of love and does not drive it away or abandon it. However, after this it is quite possible to let go of the object, which is no longer endowed with an irresistible attraction.
However, the subject may have additional motives for not doing what the therapist encourages him to do, and this gives rise to new difficulties and features of the work. The therapist must learn to overcome or bypass the client's resistance on the path to his release.
Example 4. "Tearful Dove."
The girl could not forget the young man who left her two years ago. Every evening she imagined that he was next to her, and it was painful. Of course, I asked her about the reasons for the breakup, and about the desirability and possibility of reconciliation. Everything said that it was necessary to finally say goodbye and let go of the former lover.
I immediately invited her to imagine that part of her personality or those feelings that she “invested” in her loved one, and which she lost with his departure. She immediately replied that it was a dove.
I explained that the dove usually symbolizes the soul, and asked if she was ready to return this dove, to accept it back as part of her personality? She confirmed that the dove she clearly imagined was indeed part of her personality, but for some reason he was afraid to go to her.
- Why?
- Because I'm clipping his wings.
- Why are you doing this?
- Well, of course, so that he doesn’t fly away.
This is the first difficulty. It was necessary to explain to the girl that the soul cannot fly away from itself, that it will still belong to her. And also that the more you hold someone captive, the more they break out.
All this was explained, but since experience is the criterion of truth, I suggested that, for the sake of experiment, she explain to the pigeon that the girl would no longer clip its wings. This statement had an effect; the dove already wanted to return to the girl, but was still afraid. No assurances from the girl, which I pushed her to, helped. This is the second difficulty.
Carefully observing the client’s words and intonations, I suddenly realized that in fact, it was she herself who was afraid of the pigeon. She was afraid of his freedom, afraid that he might again lead her feelings with him. The same fear forced her to clip the dove’s wings, so this is a new and at the same time old difficulty, but a new approach is needed.
Then I suggested that the girl paradoxically tell the dove that she herself would no longer be afraid of it. The girl was surprised because she was convinced that the dove was afraid of her. Without explaining, I insisted that this was a paradoxical technique and that it should be tried.
She obeyed, and the dove immediately fluttered into her chest. The girl breathed much deeper and more freely, her eyes lit up, she felt better, and all her fears disappeared.
Now that she had introduced her former friend, she felt completely free from him. Now she could easily say goodbye to him and absolutely confidently confirmed that she no longer suffered and was no longer addicted. A week later, she once again confirmed the positivity and sustainability of this result.
A comment.In this example, we examined two more possible difficulties that may arise when returning invested feelings:
1. The individual commits some violence against the invested part of the personality (i.e., over himself), as a result of which it loses confidence in him (in himself);
2. The individual is afraid of the return of a part of the personality, fearing that it will let him down or control him, etc. There is internal splitting and fear of failure to control oneself.
From this and other cases, we can conclude that the subject of emotional dependence sometimes experiences a feeling of self-doubt, does not value himself, does not trust his feelings or abilities. He sometimes resists freeing himself from the addiction he complains about because he is afraid that when he is free he will make new mistakes or will not be needed by anyone, will not find anyone, etc.
The method can be applied to a number of other problems, with minor modifications of the technique; we call this expansion of the area of application of the method, or more simply, expansion of the method.
Example 5. "Spider on the back."
At one of the seminars, I invited students to show their work. The student asked to solve her psychosomatic problem. She experienced constant and severe pain in her back, this prevented her from sleeping normally; her back hurt in any position. She turned to doctors for help, but they could not help her.
I asked her to imagine an image of this pain. She saw the pain as a huge spider sitting on her back. Since the spider usually symbolizes a man, I suggested that she had some serious problem in her relationship with a man.
It turned out that her friend is a drug addict, and she keeps trying to save him from this addiction, but she can’t do anything. She tries to break off relations with him, but is also unable to get rid of him. We tried different techniques, to free her from the presence of the spider on her back, but nothing helped free her from this emotional dependence.
She understood that she still wouldn’t be able to save him, that she was sacrificing her health and fate, but for some reason she “couldn’t” let him go. Then I invited her to answer the question on behalf of the spider: “Does he need to be rescued and dragged on his back somewhere where, perhaps, he is not going?”
Answering for him, the girl realized that he actually didn’t need it at all and that’s why he resisted. Immediately she was able to let go of the spider, it disappeared, and the pain in her back went away at the same moment. That same evening she broke off all relations with the drug addict.
After some time, she met another man, got married, gave birth to a child, and lives happily. Since then, her back has never (at least over the next 4 years) hurt. She told me this story 4 years after the session, which I even forgot about.
A comment. It is clear that the student could not break off the relationship out of a falsely understood sense of duty to this young man; she hoped for some kind of miracle and was afraid of being responsible for his further downfall. Therefore, she did not sincerely apply the techniques that were initially offered to her.
Having answered the proposed question on behalf of the “spider”, she realized that he did not need saving, and his further fall was predetermined by him. by one's own desire, she is not responsible for this. She realized that she was dragging him on her back against his will.
This immediate awareness, which could not be achieved by any argument from the therapist, allowed her to let go of this person, stop feeling indebted to him and stop straining her back to save him. Therefore, her back went away immediately and no longer hurt, and she was able to really break up with this person, get rid of emotional dependence, and really give up the false sense of duty.
On the one hand, this is a case of psychosomatic illness, on the other, a case of emotional dependence based on a sense of duty. But it is important to understand that the realization of the meaninglessness of her “feat” led to disappointment, and accordingly, the girl immediately took back her investment, one might say automatically.
Example 6. “25 Years of Heartache.”
A 70-year-old woman suffered from chronic heart pain; she had to stop from time to time along the way to rest. Periodically, she felt so sick from heart spasms that she feared for her life.
These phenomena began to happen to her 25 years ago, after the death of her beloved man, whose unofficial wife she was, there were no more men in her life. His death was a heavy blow for her, but she believed that she had already been able to survive this grief and had fully recovered.
I asked her to imagine an image of the heartache she was experiencing. The image of pain was like a blade, even a bayonet. She was very surprised when I suggested that her heart ailment was related to that old psychological trauma.
– It can’t be, 25 years have passed. Then, of course, I was very worried, but I calmed down a long time ago.
“Well, then it will be very easy for you to let go of this blade.”
- Yes, I let him go, but he doesn’t leave.
- Well, try again.
- Still, he doesn’t disappear anywhere.
- So you once gave him something very valuable to him and have not returned it to this day. Can you please imagine what it looks like?
“This is my wounded, bleeding heart.”
– Is this really your heart?
- Yes, of course, mine!
– Do you agree to return it to your body so that it falls into place?
– Yes, but he has such a wound, I’m afraid that it will make me feel bad.
- No, when you take it, only then will you be able to cure him. To do this, just tell him that you allow him to heal, you won’t hurt him anymore.
– Yes, it has returned to its place and is gradually healing.
- Tell me when it heals completely.
- Yes, it has already healed. I felt somehow better.
“Now look at the blade again.”
A comment. From this case it follows that emotional dependence can persist for many years, although the individual may not even be aware of it. Moreover, he does not suspect that his physical ailment is a consequence of this addiction.
The trouble is that he doesn’t even know how to feel differently, he has never had the experience of independence, and he is afraid of such a state or considers it some kind of immoral, a betrayal of his mother.
At the same time, he may suffer from the fact that he always makes decisions and builds his personal life in accordance with the opinion of his mother, painfully experiences any of her whims or illnesses, is in despair at the mere thought of her death, always feels guilty before her, etc. .d.
It is very difficult to get rid of such an addiction, and in my practice I have repeatedly encountered these difficult cases. Standard verbal therapy is usually very lengthy, but the already described technique of emotional-imaginative therapy shows great promise.
Example 7. “Merging with Mom.”
A woman, approximately 35 years old, with a child of her own, made the following request at a seminar. Her whole life was permeated with a feeling of insignificance and dependence on her mother in her feelings and decisions.
Mom’s needs and opinions were more important than her own, the slightest illness of her mother caused tragic experiences, and the thought that her mother would die evoked the idea that it was impossible to live after that. Mom lived separately, but, nevertheless, her influence on her daughter remained unconditional and inadequate. She felt that something was wrong in their relationship, but did not understand what was wrong.
The main line of work was aimed at helping the woman realize what part of her personality she once handed over to her mother as a child and why? It turned out that it was her little child's heart and, despite the confidence that this heart was hers, she experienced great difficulties in getting it back.
Finally, she returned this heart to her body, and immediately her train of thought changed. She suddenly realized that her mother, it turns out, was a separate person from her, her mother had her own personal history, which included her first husband and other circumstances, that her mother had her own character and her own delusions. But most of all she was struck by the immediate feeling of her separateness and independence.
As she mastered this new subjective reality that had opened up to her, the small heart in her chest grew and gradually turned into an adult, large and full-fledged heart, which she was psychologically deprived of. Now she realized that she could feel on her own and make decisions according to her needs, this was new and wonderful.
A comment. Thus, the investment return method can also be effective in the case of confluence.
In the event of a merger, other techniques can be and are successfully used. Quite often there are cases when the client is psychologically inside the mother's womb (this is expressed in the image of an egg, bag, vat or cave inside which he is located), he seems to refuse to be born.
Here you can go in different ways, for example, you can imitate your birth in your imagination (however, the traditional techniques of symboldrama, psychodrama and bodily therapy are also suitable), but in our practice we have developed a paradoxical approach that allows us to solve this problem in some cases unexpectedly simply.
We inform the client that he is the one holding the mother's womb, to which he naturally agrees. After which we invite him to let go of the womb, addressing its image with the appropriate words. If this is not enough, then the previous method of returning embedded feelings is added to this procedure.
Example 8. "Let go of the mother's womb."
At the seminar, I invited the group participants to perform a mental exercise, to enter the circle of “Health”, the reactions were varied, but mostly positive. However, one participant, a young girl, said that for some reason she saw herself in some kind of vat, in a motionless anemic state, she tried to get out, and in the end she saw herself in the sea, but she was also in an anemic state.
I said to this that, most likely, she had a difficult birth, or there is an emotional dependence on her mother. To which she replied that both were true. “You should let go of your mother and her womb,” I advised, “because only you are holding them, and not they you. But this will require great job. We'll deal with it later if you want."
After which I moved on to discuss the impressions of other group members. After a few minutes, the girl jumped up and began to excitedly walk back and forth within the group circle. Naturally, I asked what was going on with her and if she wanted to discuss her problem? She replied that she had already followed my advice and that she would do everything else herself.
I continued working with the group, and the girl kept walking in a circle, then stopped and cried. Gradually she calmed down and sat down in her place. At the next seminar a couple of months later, she confirmed that she had indeed solved her problem, that her dependence on her mother and her womb had disappeared.
A comment.This case illustrates another release technique when the client lets go of the object that he feels is holding him. For example, an individual sometimes claims that he is “in prison” and cannot free himself from it, no matter how hard he tries. Then he is asked to let go of his prison!
The prison collapses and the client is freed. Then he realizes that he created his prison himself. But when he lets go of the womb or prison, it means that he stops investing in that object and automatically returns it to himself.
This technique should sometimes be combined with the previous one. First, return the lost parts of your personality, and then let go of the object of your addiction. If you manage to let go (it is unacceptable not to drive away the violence), then this will be a criterion for the success of the work to return the investment. If you can only forcibly break the connection, then this means that it is not actually broken.
Then a small mouse ran out of the hole, next to the root, and began to gnaw at the root. When there was very little left for the root to break, the man suddenly saw a small strawberry growing on the slope right in front of his face. He picked it and ate it.
This is where the parable ends and usually no interpretation is given and people understand it very crookedly, for example, as evidence that our life is continuous suffering, there are only small joys.
However, its meaning is directly opposite to this gloomy outlook on life, and it is very easy to understand, the first tiger is the past, from which a person runs away in horror, the second tiger is the future, which a person always fears. The root is the root of life, and the little mouse is the inexorable time. But a small strawberry is a moment of the present, and when a person ate it, he found himself in the present moment of time and gained enlightenment.
Because in the present there is no past or future, which means there are no fears and suffering, there is only a beautiful present that can last forever. Therefore, in order to get rid of suffering, you often need to simply return from the past or future.
Example 9. "Return from the Past."
The young man, who was a successful businessman, earned a lot of money, but his company did its job and was disbanded. He did not find himself in the present, did not feel the meaning of life, although he had a family and so much money that he could no longer work.
It turned out that all he could think about was how good it was when he was running a successful company. He met with old friends, and they only talked about how good it was then.
I told him that he seemed stuck in the past and asked what he left there. "Yes, I'm all there." - he exclaimed. I invited him to see himself in the past and bring that self back here, to the present. “But he doesn’t want to. He feels so good there. He sits in a big office, signs important papers, does good deeds. He doesn’t want to come back to me.”
“Explain to him,” I say, “that he clings to the illusion that this is nothing anymore. He lives in an illusory world, deceives himself, but you can live here for real.”
“Oh, as soon as I told him, he ran straight to me. He entered my body. I somehow felt good. Why am I smiling? You know, I just never smile.” This went on and on, he came again to check and was convinced that the effect did not disappear, that now he had found the meaning of life.
