See also funny poems about school for children. The advantages of our funny skits are that they do not require costumes, there is no need to memorize large texts (and the one who plays the role of a teacher can use a printout that can be inserted into a magazine), and they only require a short time to rehearse. At the same time, these scenes are close to the students. They will be able to laugh at their mistakes, looking at themselves from the outside. Humor, jokes, funny scenes for children about school are well suited for KVN. Also check out School Humor.
Teacher: Let's listen to how you learned homework. Whoever answers first will receive a higher point.
Student Ivanov (raises his hand and shouts): Mary Ivanna, I will be the first, give me three at once!
Teacher: Your essay about a dog, Petrov, is word for word similar to Ivanov’s essay!
Student Petrov: Mary Ivanna, Ivanov and I live in the same yard, and there we have one dog for all of us!
Teacher: You, Sidorov, have a wonderful essay, but why isn’t it finished?
Student Sidorov: Because dad was urgently called to work!
Teacher: Koshkin, admit it, who wrote your essay?
Student Koshkin: I don’t know. I went to bed early.
Teacher: As for you, Klevtsov, let your grandfather come to see me tomorrow!
Student Klevtsov: Grandfather? Maybe dad?
Teacher: No, grandfather. I want to show him what gross mistakes his son admits when he writes an essay for you.
Teacher: What kind of word is “egg”, Sinichkin?
Student Sinichkin: None.
Teacher: Why?
Disciple Sinichkin: Because it is unknown who will hatch from it: a rooster or a chicken.
Teacher: Petushkov, determine the gender of the words: “chair”, “table”, “sock”, “stocking”.
Student Petushkov: “Table”, “chair” and “sock” are masculine, and “stocking” is feminine.
Teacher: Why?
Student Petushkov: Because only women wear stockings!
Teacher: Smirnov, go to the board, write down and analyze the sentence.
Student Smirnov comes to the blackboard.
The teacher dictates, and the student writes down: “Dad went to the garage.”
Teacher: Ready? We are listening to you.
Student Smirnov: Dad is the subject, gone is the predicate, to the garage is ... a preposition.
Teacher: Guys, who can come up with a sentence with homogeneous members?
Student Tyulkina raises her hand.
Teacher: Please, Tyulkina.
Student Tyulkina: There were no trees, no bushes, no grass in the forest.
Teacher: Sobakin, come up with a sentence with the numeral “three”.
Student Sobakin: My mother works at a KNITTING factory.
Teacher: Rubashkin, go to the board and write down the sentence.
Student Rubashkin goes to the blackboard.
The teacher dictates: The guys caught butterflies with nets.
Student Rubashkin writes: The guys caught butterflies with glasses.
Teacher: Rubashkin, why are you so inattentive?
Student Rubashkin: What?
Teacher: Where have you seen bespectacled butterflies?
Teacher: Meshkov, what part of speech is the word “dry”?
Student Meshkov stood up and remained silent for a long time.
Teacher: Well, think about it, Meshkov, what question does this word answer?
Student Meshkov: What kind? Dryish!
Teacher: Antonyms are words that are opposite in meaning. For example, fat - thin, cry - laugh, day - night. Petushkov, now give me your example.
Student Petushkov: Cat - dog.
Teacher: What does “cat - dog” have to do with it?
Student Petushkov: Well, how about that? They are opposites and often fight with each other.
Teacher: Sidorov, why do you eat apples in class?
Student Sidorov: It’s a pity to waste time during recess!
Teacher: Stop it now! By the way, why weren't you at school yesterday?
Disciple Sidorov: My older brother fell ill.
Teacher: What do you have to do with it?
Student Sidorov: And I rode his bike!
Teacher: Sidorov! My patience has run out! Don't come to school tomorrow without your father!
Student Sidorov: And the day after tomorrow?
Teacher: Sushkina, come up with a sentence with an appeal.
Student Sushkina: Mary Ivanna, call!
Teacher: Petrov, how much will it be: four divided by two?
Student: What should we divide, Mikhail Ivanovich?
Teacher: Well, let's say four apples.
Student: And between whom?
Teacher: Well, let it be between you and Sidorov.
Student: Then three for me and one for Sidorov.
Teacher: Why is this?
Student: Because Sidorov owes me one apple.
Teacher: Doesn’t he owe you a plum?
Student: No, I shouldn’t have plums.
Teacher: Well, how much will it be if four plums are divided by two?
Student: Four. And all to Sidorov.
Teacher: Why four?
Student: Because I don’t like plums.
Teacher: Wrong again.
Student: How many is correct?
Teacher: Now I’ll put the correct answer in your diary!
(I. Butman)
Characters: teacher and student Petrov
Teacher: Petrov, go to the blackboard and write down a short story that I will dictate to you.
The student goes to the board and prepares to write.
Teacher (dictates): “Dad and mom scolded Vova for bad behavior. Vova was silent guiltily, and then promised to improve.”
A student writes from dictation on the board.
Teacher: Great! Underline all the nouns in your story.
The student emphasizes the words: “dad”, “mom”, “Vova”, “behaviour”, “Vova”, “promise”.
Teacher: Ready? Determine which cases these nouns are in. Understood?
Student: Yes!
Teacher: Start!
Student: “Dad and Mom.” Who? What? Parents. This means the case is genitive.
Scolded someone, what? Vova. “Vova” is a name. This means the case is nominative.
Scolded for what? For bad behavior. Apparently he did something. This means that “behavior” has the instrumental case.
Vova was silent guiltily. This means that here “Vova” has the accusative case.
Well, the “promise”, of course, is dative case, since Vova gave it!
That's all!
Teacher: Yes, the analysis turned out to be original! Bring me the diary, Petrov. I wonder what mark you would suggest you set for yourself?
Student: Which one? Of course, an A!
Teacher: So, an A? By the way, in what case did you name this word - “five”?
Student: In the prepositional form!
Teacher: In the prepositional form? Why?
Student: Well, I suggested it myself!
(according to L. Kaminsky)
Characters: teacher and class students
Teacher: Petrov, you have difficulty counting to ten. I can’t imagine what you can become?
Student Petrov: Boxing judge, Mary Ivanna!
Teacher: Trushkin goes to the board to solve the problem.
Student Trushkin goes to the blackboard.
Teacher: Listen carefully to the statement of the problem. Dad bought 1 kilogram of sweets, and mom bought another 2 kilograms. How many...
Student Trushkin heads to the door.
Teacher: Trushkin, where are you going?!
Student Trushkin: I ran home, I have candy!
Teacher: Petrov, bring the diary here. I'll put your deuce in it yesterday.
Disciple Petrov: I don’t have it.
Teacher: Where is he?
Student Petrov: And I gave it to Vitka - to scare his parents!
Teacher: Vasechkin, if you have ten rubles and you ask your brother for another ten rubles, how much money will you have?
Student Vasechkin: Ten rubles.
Teacher: You just don’t know math!
Student Vasechkin: No, you don’t know my brother!
Teacher: Sidorov, please answer, what is three times seven?
Student Sidorov: Marya Ivanovna, I will answer your question only in the presence of my lawyer!
Teacher: Why, Ivanov, does your father always do your homework for you?
Student Ivanov: Mom doesn’t have free time!
Teacher: Now solve problem number 125 yourself.
The students get to work.
Teacher: Smirnov! Why are you copying from Terentyev?
Student Smirnov: No, Mary Ivanna, he’s copying from me, and I’m just checking to see if he did it correctly!
Teacher: Guys, who is Archimedes? Answer, Shcherbinina.
Student Shcherbinina: This is a mathematical Greek.
Characters: teacher and class students
Teacher: Who can name five wild animals?
Student Petrov holds out his hand.
Teacher: Answer, Petrov.
Student Petrov: Tiger, tigress and... three tiger cubs.
Teacher: What are dense forests? Answer, Kosichkina!
Student Kosichkina: These are the kind of forests in which... it’s good to doze off.
Teacher: Simakova, please name the parts of the flower.
Student Simakova: Petals, stem, pot.
Teacher: Ivanov, please answer us, what benefits do birds and animals bring to humans?
Disciple Ivanov: Birds peck mosquitoes, and cats catch mice for him.
Teacher: Petrov, what book about famous travelers did you read?
Student Petukhov: “Frog Traveler”
Teacher: Who can answer how the sea differs from the river? Please, Mishkin.
Disciple Mishkin: The river has two banks, and the sea has one.
Student Zaitsev reaches out his hand.
Teacher: What do you want, Zaitsev? Is there something you want to ask?
Disciple Zaitsev: Mary Ivanna, is it true that people descended from monkeys?
Teacher: True.
Disciple Zaitsev: That’s what I see: there are so few monkeys!
Teacher: Kozyavin, please answer, what is the life expectancy of a mouse?
Disciple Kozyavin: Well, Mary Ivanna, it depends entirely on the cat.
Teacher: Meshkov will go to the board and tell us about the crocodile.
Student Meshkov (coming to the board): The length of the crocodile from head to tail is five meters, and from tail to head is seven meters.
Teacher: Think about what you are saying! Is it possible?
Student Meshkov: It happens! For example, from Monday to Wednesday - two days, and from Wednesday to Monday - five!
Teacher: Khomyakov, answer why people need nervous system?
Disciple Khomyakov: To be nervous.
Teacher: Why do you, Sinichkin, look at your watch every minute?
Student Sinichkin: Because I’m terribly worried that the bell might interrupt an amazingly interesting lesson.
Teacher: Guys, who can answer where the bird is flying with a straw in its beak?
Student Belkov raises his hand higher than everyone else.
Teacher: Try, Belkov.
Disciple Belkov: To the cocktail bar, Mary Ivanna.
Teacher: Teplyakova, what are the last teeth a person develops?
Student Teplyakova: Inserts, Mary Ivanna.
Teacher: Now I will ask you a very difficult question, for the correct answer I will immediately give you an A plus. And the question is: “Why is European time ahead of American time?”
Student Klyushkin reaches out his hand.
Teacher: Answer, Klyushkin.
Student Klyushkin: Because America was discovered later!
Vovka: Listen, I’ll tell you a funny story. Yesterday I took the folder by the mouse and went to Uncle Yura, my mother ordered.
Andrey: Ha ha ha! It's really funny.
Vovka (surprised): What’s so funny? I haven't even started to tell you yet.
Andrey (laughing): A folder... under your arm! Well thought out. Yes, your folder won’t fit under your arm, he’s not a cat!
Vovka: Why “my folder”? The folder is dad's. You've forgotten how to speak correctly because of laughter, or what?
Andrey: (winking and tapping his forehead): Ah, I guessed it! Grandfather - under the arm! He himself speaks incorrectly, but he also teaches. Now it’s clear: dad’s folder is your grandfather Kolya! In general, it’s great that you came up with this - funny and with a riddle!
Vova (offended): What does my grandfather Kolya have to do with it? I wanted to tell you something completely different. I didn’t listen to the end, but you laugh and get in the way of talking. And he dragged my grandfather under his arm, what a storyteller he was! I'd rather go home than talk to you.
Andrey (to himself, left alone): And why was he offended? For what funny stories tell me if you can’t laugh?
(I. Semerenko)
Teacher: Well, Petrov? What should I do with you?
Petrov: What?
Teacher: You haven’t done anything all year, you haven’t taught anything. I don’t really know what to put on your report.
Petrov (looking sullenly at the floor): I, Ivan Ivanovich, was engaged in scientific work.
Teacher: What are you talking about? Which one?
Petrov: I decided that all our mathematics was wrong and... proved it!
Teacher: Well, how, Comrade Great Petrov, did you achieve this?
Petrov: Ah, what can I say, Ivan Ivanovich! It’s not my fault that Pythagoras was wrong and this... Archimedes!
Teacher: Archimedes?
Petrov: And he too, After all, they said that three is only equal to three.
Teacher: What else?
Petrov (solemnly): This is not true! I proved that three equals seven!
Teacher: How is this?
Petrov: But look: 15 -15 = 0. Right?
Teacher: That's right.
Petrov: 35 - 35 =0 - also true. So 15-15 = 35-35. Right?
Teacher: That's right.
Petrov: Let’s take the common factors: 3(5-5) = 7(5-5). Right?
Teacher: Exactly.
Petrov: Hehe! (5-5) = (5-5). This is also true!
Teacher: Yes.
Petrov: Then everything is upside down: 3 = 7!
Teacher: Yeah! So, Petrov, we survived.
Petrov: I didn’t want to, Ivan Ivanovich. But you can’t sin against science...
Teacher: I see. Look: 20-20 = 0. Right?
Petrov: Exactly!
Teacher: 8-8 = 0 - also true. Then 20-20 = 8-8. It is truth too?
Petrov: Exactly, Ivan Ivanovich, exactly.
Teacher: Let’s take out the common factors: 5(4-4) = 2(4-4). Right?
Petrov: Right!
Teacher: Then that’s it, Petrov, I’ll give you a “2”!
Petrov: For what, Ivan Ivanovich?
Teacher: Don’t be upset, Petrov, because if we divide both sides of the equality by (4-4), then 2=5. Is that what you did?
Petrov: Well, let's say.
Teacher: So I put “2”, who cares. A?
Petrov: No, it doesn’t matter, Ivan Ivanovich, “5” is better.
Teacher: Perhaps it’s better, Petrov, but until you prove this, you will have a D in a year, which, in your opinion, is equal to an A!
Guys, help Petrov.
(Newspaper " Primary School", "Mathematics", No. 24, 2002)
Characters: a schoolboy and a store sales assistant
Sales consultant: What can I tell you?
Schoolboy: The years of the reign of Nicholas II?
Sales consultant: I don’t know.
Schoolboy: Okay... Pythagorean theorem?
Sales consultant: ... (shrugs)
Schoolboy: Photosynthesis?
Sales consultant: (sighing) I don’t know...
Schoolboy: Well, why are you bothering then with your “What can I tell you?”!!!
(KVN team from Ryazan)
Characters: schoolchildren and stadium informant
A group of young fans led by a leader loudly chants:
"SPARTAK IS A CHAMPION!" "SPARTAK IS A CHAMPION!"
Suddenly the voice of the stadium informant comes on:
Informant's voice: Attention young fans! (young fans stop chanting)
Your history teacher is at the match!
Young fans start chanting:
“SPA-RTAC IS A ROMAN SLAVE!” “SPA-RTAC IS A ROMAN SLAVE!”
(KVN team from Ryazan)
Characters: a cultured adult and a modern schoolboy Vanya Sidorov
Hello, Vanya.
- Hello.
- Well, tell me, Vanya, how are you?
- Wow, things are going strong.
- I'm sorry, what?
- Cool, I say, just one wick froze this. Rolls towards the cage. Let me drive the bike, he says. He sat down and scratched. And here is the teacher. And let him show off. He opened his mitten. Yes, how it gets messy. Himself with a black eye. The teacher almost went crazy, and the bike booed. Laugh. Cool, right?
- Was there a horse there?
- Which horse?
- Well, the one who was laughing. Or I didn't understand anything.
- Well, didn’t you understand anything?
- Come on, let's start all over again.
- Well, let's. So, one wick...
- Without a candle?
- Without.
- What kind of wick is this?
- Well, one guy, a long one, rolled up to the sket...
-What did he ride up on, a bicycle?
- No, the skete had a bicycle.
- Which sket?
- Well, there's only one idiot. Yes, you know him, he walks around here with such a snob.
- With whom, with whom?
- Yes, not with whom, but with what, his nose is in the shape of a snob. Well, let me drive the bike, he says. He sat down and scratched.
- Did he have an itch?
- No, he sawed.
- Well, how did you saw it?
- What did you saw?
- Well, is it big?
- How?
- Well, this same schnobel?
- No, the cat had a snob. And the fuse got a black eye, a blast hit him in the head, and he began to wander around. He opened his mitten, and so he jerked.
- Why the mitten, did he get fussy in the winter?
- Yes, there was no winter there, there was a teacher there.
- Teacher, you mean.
- Well, yes, with a black eye, that is, with a great one, no, with coils. But it was the rolling of the bike that made the bike whoop.
- How did you whoop?
- And so, I’m covered. Into small pieces. Do you understand now?
- Understood. I realized that you don’t know the Russian language at all.
- I don’t know how!
- Can you imagine if everyone spoke like you, what would happen?
- What?
- Remember, at Gogol's. “Wonderful is the Dnieper in calm weather, when its full waters freely and smoothly rush through forests and mountains, neither rustling nor thundering. You look and don’t know whether its majestic width is moving or not” and further, “A rare bird will fly to the middle of the Dnieper.”
- I remember.
- Now listen to how it sounds in your quirky language: “Cool Dnieper in cool weather, when, roaming and showing off, it saws its cool waves through the forests and mountains. "You don't know whether he's sawing or not. A rare bird with a snout will scratch all the way to the middle of the Dnieper. And if it finishes scratching, it will whoop and throw off its hooves." Do you like?
“I like it,” he said and ran, shouting: “Cool Dnieper in cool weather.”
(Lion Izmailov)
Characters: girl, young man, mother
A girl is sitting at the bar. A young man approaches her.
Young man: Hello, baby! Are you bored?
GIRL: Yes, there is a little.
YOUNG MAN: Shall we come with me? I will give you an unforgettable evening!
GIRL: Sounds like it. But my mother is waiting for me at home at 23-00.
YOUNG MAN: Is mom waiting? Give it up! What, are you 10 years old? Do you go on dates with your mom too? Ha!
Suddenly young man someone's hand confidently takes your ear. Everyone can see that this is the hand of an older woman.
YOUNG MAN: Mom? What are you doing here?
MOM: What are you doing here?
YOUNG MAN: Well, mom! I…
MOM: I don’t want to hear it! March home!
YOUNG MAN: (to the girl) Baby, I'll call you back!
MOM: Home!
(KVN team from Ryazan)
Characters: grandmother, boy, radiologist
Radiologist's office: X-ray machine, table, chair. A doctor is sitting at the table.
They come into the office a little boy and grandmother.
GRANDMOTHER (pointing to the boy). I've looked through everything and the glasses are nowhere to be found. I think he swallowed them. Just like your grandfather!
RADIOLOGIST (addresses the boy). Have you swallowed granny glasses?
The boy doesn't answer.
GRANDMOTHER. Partisan! Just like your grandfather!
RADIOLOGIST. Are you silent? But now we will enlighten you through and find out everything.
GRANDMOTHER (joyfully). Yep, gotcha! I wish I had something like this at home.
RADIOLOGIST (looks at the picture). Well, well, well... You know... not only does he have glasses here, he also has a wallet with money. I can’t say exactly, but somewhere around three hundred rubles.
GRANDMOTHER. This is not ours, we don’t need someone else’s. The main thing for me is to get glasses, I can’t watch TV without them.
RADIOLOGIST. We'll get it now.
The radiologist approaches the boy, lifts him by the legs and shakes him. Glasses and wallet fall out on the floor.
GRANDMOTHER (grabs her glasses). Thank you very much, doctor. I don’t even know how to thank you. Let me kiss you!
RADIOLOGIST (twists his wallet in his hands). No need. But if possible, I’ll keep the wallet as a souvenir.
GRANDMOTHER. This is not ours, not ours, we don’t need someone else’s.
Grandmother and grandson leave the office.
RADIOLOGIST (loudly). Next!
(A. Givargizov)
Characters:
Dad: Zmey Gorynych
Head teacher: Baba Yaga
Math teacher: Leshy
Geography teacher: Kikimora
Botany Teacher: Witch
Class teacher: Vodyanoy
SERPENT GORYNYCH (flies into the teacher’s room):
...Yes, I told him a hundred times!..
Well, what did he do again?
GOBBLE:
Multiplied the minus with the sine -
Got a minus one!
KIKIMORA:
Confused albinos
With albatross...
WITCH:
Throwing apricots...
KIKIMORA:
Blowing soap bubbles!..
GOBBLE:
On a bet
Swallowed the call!
KIKIMORA:
Yawned the whole lesson
And he infected everyone with yawning!
WATER:
But yesterday
Brought to class
Hippopotamus!!!
GOBBLE:
With this nasty boy
There is no sweetness!
BABA YAGA (unctuously):
Maybe give him poison?..
Or throw it to the wolves?
AM –
And there is no bad student!
KIKIMORA:
Don't get excited, dear Yaga.
In our age
Such measures are outdated.
GOBBLE:
A hundred years ago
We would have it
Certainly,
Ate...
But now
We have
Not many students
In reserve...
WATER:
Agree!
Let's not resort
To extreme measures.
WITCH:
Let's try to entice him
A good example.
SERPENT GORYNYCH (confused):
Mmmm... Less or more...
That is - more or less!..
And yet...
WITCH (interrupts):
A...
Understand!
Your example is not good...
But boy
Doesn't want to study at all!
BABA YAGA:
Oh, what a hassle there is with children!..
DRAGON:
Lock him in the closet - let him learn his lessons!
And if he doesn't stop yawning...
ALL IN CHORUS:
We'll turn it around
In chewing gum
And we will
SLOWLY
Chew!
(E. Lipatova)
Characters:
Schoolboy Vova
Schoolboy Petya
PETER:
- Do you, Vova, know what a regime is?
VOVA:
- Certainly! Regime... Regime is where I want, I jump there.
PETER:
- Wrong! A regime is a daily routine. Are you doing it?
VOVA:
- I even exceed it.
PETER:
- Like this?
VOVA:
- According to the schedule, I need to walk twice a day, but I walk four!
PETER:
- No, you are not exceeding it, but breaking it! Do you know what the daily routine should be?
VOVA:
- I know! Climb. Charger. Washing. Making the bed. Breakfast. School. Dinner. Walk. Prep. Walk.
PETER:
- Fine.
VOVA:
- And it can be even better.
PETER:
- How is this?
VOVA:
- Like this! Climb. Breakfast. Walk. Lunch. Walk. Dinner. Walk. Tea. Walk. Dinner. Walk. Dream.
PETER:
- Oh no. Under this regime, you will turn out to be lazy and ignorant.
VOVA:
- Will not work.
PETER:
- Why?
VOVA:
- Because with my grandmother we follow the entire regime.
PETER:
- How is it with your grandmother?
VOVA:
- Yes. I do half of it, and grandma does half of it. And together we get the whole regime.
PETER:
- I don't understand!
VOVA:
- Very simple. I do the lifting. The grandmother does the exercises. Washing - grandma. Making the bed - grandma. Breakfast is me. Walk - me. Preparing lessons - my grandmother and I. Walk - me. Lunch is me.
PETER:
- Aren’t you ashamed?! Now I understand why you are so undisciplined.
https://site/smeshnye-scenki-dlya-detej/
Two duelists stand opposite each other. One of them is Pushkin.
Second: Come together!
Pushkin and his opponent raise their pistols. They approach the barriers. Pushkin's opponent fires a shot. Pushkin lies wounded. The enemy approaches the wounded Pushkin.
Pushkin: For what?
Pushkin's opponent: Bastard! Because of you, I was left for the second year in literature!!!
Characters: Schoolboy, his friend - Vovka Sidorov
SCHOOLBOY (addressing confidentially to the audience, pointing with his hand at a friend standing nearby):
And Vovka Sidorov from our class is such a slowpoke! I came across interesting riddles here about school affairs, and the answers should be in rhyme. Of course, I guessed everything right away, and then I decided to test Vovka’s intelligence.
SCHOOLBOY (to Vovka Sidorov):
Here, guess the riddle in rhyme: “The time between two bells is called...”
VOVKA SIDOROV (instantly):
Turn!
SCHOOLBOY:
Well, that’s right, “change” is appropriate, but the answer must be in rhyme!
VOVKA SIDOROV (offended):
Yeah, I said it myself, that’s right, and then you start...
SCHOOLBOY:
Okay, let me tell you another riddle, just think about it before you tell me the answer. “The athlete told us: Everyone go to the sports hall...”
VOVKA SIDOROV (shouts out):
Shop!
SCHOOLBOY:
Which store? For what? Where did you see him?
VOVKA SIDOROV:
What do you mean why? I need to buy new sneakers, otherwise the sole of mine is already falling behind on my left foot. And the sporting goods store is right opposite the school. You've seen him a hundred times too.
SCHOOLBOY (towards the hall):
Well, what can you prove to him here!
SCHOOLBOY (to Vovka Sidorov):
But can you guess this riddle in rhyme? “Schools are not simple buildings; in schools they receive...”
VOVKA SIDOROV:
On the head! Yesterday I almost didn’t touch Lenka Petrova’s bow, but she hit me on the head with a book, bam-bang.
SCHOOLBOY:
Listen to another riddle: “And today I got a grade again...”
VOVKA SIDOROV (shouting):
I got a C, C again in math.
SCHOOLBOY (addressing the audience in the hall):
Well, Vovka is slow-witted! What a slowpoke! Although... I look, his face is cunning and cunning. Maybe he was playing a trick on me? Today is April 1st!!!
(Leonid Medvedev)
A man in a clothing store dials a number on his cell phone.
Man: Hello, dear! ... Has our Bear done his homework? … Yes? What about his diary? Good, yes?! So, did he clean the room?! Crap! Have you eaten soup?! Nothing... I just went into the store, and there was a sale on belts!
L. Mishchenkova
"I am late..."
Characters
Anton is a late student.
A student who is late for class bursts into the classroom.
Anton. Sorry I'm late.
Teacher. We understood this. Explain why. What's happened?
Anton. Oh, what just happened!.. I’ll start in order. When I hear the alarm clock, I feel like I'm being shot.
Teacher. And you jump up right away?
Anton. No, I’m lying there like a dead man! That's why Kesha, my parrot, wakes me up. At exactly 7.30 he says: “ Good morning! It's time to get up." But yesterday it was Kesha's birthday, and I treated him to ice cream. And in the morning Kesha didn’t wake me up - he lost his voice, poor fellow...
Teacher. You say you've eaten too much ice cream. Interesting...
Anton. Well, that means... I left the house... And then an armed bandit attacked me!
Teacher. Horror! So what did he do?
Anton. Took away my homework!
Anton. Then I decided to help the old lady cross the street. And as soon as I got it to the middle, the traffic light broke! The light turned red and the cars drove without stopping. So we sunbathed in the middle of the street until the traffic controller appeared.
Teacher. This is the story... Tell me, Anton, is there even a word of truth in your story?
Anton. As many as two: I'M LATE.
"At a break"
Characters
Classmates:
The bell rings from class. Children sit on chairs along the edge of the stage: some with a book in their hands, some with games, starting a conversation among themselves.
Vitalik. All people are like people: during recess they rush around the corridor, and we sit in the classroom like crazy.
Masha. So we punished ourselves: we behaved badly, now we sit in class for a whole week.
Someone sneezes.
Dasha. What will we have now?
Andrey. Mathematics.
Lesha. I love mathematics... (Addresses Sergei.) What is your favorite subject?
Sergey. And my favorite subject is TV!
Anton. And mine is a tape recorder!
Yura. And mine is a computer!
Natasha. Do you have a computer at home?
Yura. Eat.
Natasha. You probably want to become a programmer?
Yura. No, a doctor.
Natasha. Ha, you got a “C” in “The World Around You”!
Masha. So what, Natasha, he’ll fix her! And what kind of doctor - surgeon?
Yura. No, dental: people have one heart, but 32 teeth!
Someone sneezes.
Masha. Do you remember, Katya, how Lyudmila Vladimirovna asks Yura in class: “Why do storks fly to Africa for the winter?”
Kate. I remember, I remember... What did you say then, Yura?
Yura. It’s clear that blacks want to have children too!
Sergey. Vitalik, did you get hit by your parents yesterday for leaving home from rhythm class?
Vitalik. Not that it was terrible, but the relationship deteriorated. Imagine, in the morning I hint to my father: “Dad, I saw in a dream that you bought me three servings of ice cream.” Usually he understands the hints, but then he says: “Great, you can keep them!”
Anton. Well, that's nothing yet. But my dad once gave me two slaps on the head.
Nastya. For what?
Anton. The first time because I showed the diary with “twos”. And the second - when he saw that it was his old diary!
Nastya. Well, why did you show it? It's my own fault. You need to be more careful with your parents. They forgot that they themselves were once children.
Kate. What time is it, Lesh?
Lesha. 10.20.
Kate. This means we have 10 more minutes to sunbathe before the lesson starts.
Dasha. Lyudmila Vladimirovna said there will be no extension today...
Sergey. Badly. I don't like doing homework with grandma. Lyudmila Vladimirovna immediately recognizes her handwriting.
Zhenya. One day I was doing my homework at home. And when I handed in the notebook, Lyudmila Vladimirovna grabbed her head: “It’s simply incredible that one person can make so many mistakes!” And I say: “Why alone? Together with dad! "
Someone sneezes.
Anton. I also didn’t go to an after-school program once. So Lyudmila Vladimirovna asks: “Admit it, Anton, who did your homework for you?”
And I answer: “I don’t know, I went to bed early yesterday.”
Masha. What I like most about the after-school program is drinking tea.
Andrey. Yes, great!
Masha. And my mother gave me a silver spoon and said: “Take it to class. If you drink tea, put a spoon in the cup. From it, from silver, all microbes die.”
And I say: “Mom, do you want me to drink tea with dead germs?”
Sergey. And I somehow shout: “Lyudmila Vladimirovna! My tea is unsweetened." And she: “Did you stir the sugar?” - “I stirred it.” - “Which direction?” - “To the right.” - “So the sugar has gone to the left!”
Anton sneezes and wipes his mouth with his sleeve.
Natasha. Anton, do you happen to have a handkerchief?
Anton. There is, but I'm sorry, Natasha, I don't lend it to anyone.
Masha. Listen, Lyosh, I want to ask you everything. When I pass by your windows, sometimes I hear your cat screaming in an almost human voice...
Lesha. I wash it.
Masha. I wash my cat too, but she doesn’t scream like that.
Lesha. Are you squeezing it out?
Masha. What a flayer you are, Lesha!
Lesha. You yourself are a flayer! But my cat doesn't have fleas. And you, Masha, better not forget to tell your mother that Lyudmila Vladimirovna is calling her to school!
Masha. And I already said, Lesha! “Mom,” I say, “today we have a shortened Parent meeting" And she asks: “How is this abbreviated?” And I answer: “Very simple: Lyudmila Vladimirovna, you, me and the director.”
L. TOAminsky
Sketch "Our cases"
Characters: teacher and student Petrov
Teacher: Petrov, go to the blackboard and write down a short story that I will dictate to you.
The student goes to the board and prepares to write.
Teacher(dictates): “Dad and mom scolded Vova for bad behavior. Vova was silent guiltily, and then promised to improve.”
A student writes from dictation on the board.
Teacher: Wonderful! Underline all the nouns in your story.
The student emphasizes the words: “dad”, “mom”, “Vova”, “behaviour”, “Vova”, “promise”.
Teacher: Ready? Determine which cases these nouns are in. Understood?
Student: Yes!
Teacher: Get started!
Student: "Father and mother". Who? What? Parents. This means the case is genitive.
Scolded someone, what? Vova. “Vova” is a name. This means the case is nominative.
Scolded for what? For bad behavior. Apparently he did something. This means that “behavior” has the instrumental case.
Vova was silent guiltily. This means that here “Vova” has the accusative case.
Well, the “promise,” of course, is in the dative case, since Vova gave it!
That's all!
Teacher: Yes, the analysis turned out to be original! Bring me the diary, Petrov. I wonder what mark you would suggest you set for yourself?
Student: Which one? Of course, an A!
Teacher: So, five? By the way, in what case did you name this word - “five”?
Student: In the prepositional form!
Teacher: In the prepositional? Why?
Student: Well, I suggested it myself!
AND. Butman
"Correct answer"
Characters: teacher and student Petrov
Teacher: Petrov, how much will it be: four divided by two?
Student: What should we share, Mikhail Ivanovich?
Teacher: Well, let's say four apples.
Student: And between whom?
Teacher: Well, let it be between you and Sidorov.
Student: Then three for me and one for Sidorov.
Teacher: Why is this?
Student: Because Sidorov owes me one apple.
Teacher: Doesn't he owe you a plum?
Student: No, you shouldn't have plums.
Teacher: Well, how much will it be if four plums are divided by two?
Student: Four. And all to Sidorov.
Teacher: Why four?
Student: Because I don't like plums.
Teacher: Wrong again.
Student: How many is correct?
Teacher: But now I’ll put the correct answer in your diary!
Scene "3=7 and 2=5"
Teacher: Well, Petrov? What should I do with you?
Petrov: And what?
Teacher: You haven't done anything all year, haven't studied anything. I don’t really know what to put on your report.
Petrov(looking sullenly at the floor): I, Ivan Ivanovich, was engaged in scientific work.
Teacher: What are you talking about? Which one?
Petrov: I decided that all our mathematics was wrong and... proved it!
Teacher: Well, how, Comrade Great Petrov, did you achieve this?
Petrov: Ah, what can I say, Ivan Ivanovich! It’s not my fault that Pythagoras was wrong and this... Archimedes!
Teacher: Archimedes?
Petrov: And he too, After all, they said that three is only equal to three.
Teacher: What else?
Petrov(solemnly): This is not true! I proved that three equals seven!
Teacher: Like this?
Petrov: But look: 15 -15 = 0. Right?
Teacher: Right.
Petrov: 35 - 35 =0 - also true. So 15-15 = 35-35. Right?
Teacher: Right.
Petrov: We take out the common factors: 3(5-5) = 7(5-5). Right?
Teacher: Exactly.
Petrov: Hehe! (5-5) = (5-5). This is also true!
Teacher: Yes.
Petrov: Then everything is upside down: 3 = 7!
Teacher: Yeah! So, Petrov, we survived.
Petrov: I didn't want to, Ivan Ivanovich. But you can’t sin against science...
Teacher: It's clear. Look: 20-20 = 0. Right?
Petrov: Exactly!
Teacher: 8-8 = 0 is also true. Then 20-20 = 8-8. It is truth too?
Petrov: Exactly, Ivan Ivanovich, exactly.
Teacher: We take out the common factors: 5(4-4) = 2(4-4). Right?
Petrov: Right!
Teacher: Then that’s it, Petrov, I’ll give you a “2”!
Petrov: For what, Ivan Ivanovich?
Teacher: Don’t be upset, Petrov, because if we divide both sides of the equality by (4-4), then 2=5. Is that what you did?
Petrov: Let us suppose.
Teacher: So I put “2”, who cares. A?
Petrov: No, it doesn’t matter, Ivan Ivanovich, “5” is better.
Teacher: Perhaps it’s better, Petrov, but until you prove this, you will have a D in a year, which, in your opinion, is equal to an A!
Guys, help Petrov.
AND. WITHEmerenko
"Folder under the mouse"
Vovka: Listen, I'll tell you a funny story. Yesterday I took the folder by the mouse and went to Uncle Yura, my mother ordered.
Andrey: Ha ha ha! It's really funny.
Vovka(surprised): What's so funny? I haven't even started to tell you yet.
Andrey(laughing): A folder... under your arm! Well thought out. Yes, your folder won’t fit under your arm, he’s not a cat!
Vovka: Why "my folder"? The folder is dad's. You've forgotten how to speak correctly because of laughter, or what?
Andrey: (winking and tapping his forehead): Ah, I guessed it! Grandfather - under the arm! He himself speaks incorrectly, but he also teaches. Now it’s clear: dad’s folder is your grandfather Kolya! In general, it’s great that you came up with this - funny and with a riddle!
Vova(offended): What does my grandfather Kolya have to do with it? I wanted to tell you something completely different. I didn’t listen to the end, but you laugh and get in the way of talking. And he dragged my grandfather under his arm, what a storyteller he was! I'd rather go home than talk to you.
Andrey(to himself, left alone): And why was he offended? Why tell funny stories if you can't laugh?
"At science lessons"
Characters: teacher and students in class
Teacher: Who can name five wild animals?
Student Petrov holds out his hand.
Teacher: Answer, Petrov.
Student Petrov: Tiger, tigress and... three tiger cubs.
Teacher: What are dense forests? Answer, Kosichkina!
Student Kosichkina: These are the kind of forests in which... it’s good to doze off.
Teacher: Simakova, please name the parts of the flower.
Student Simakova: Petals, stem, pot.
Teacher: Ivanov, please answer us, what benefits do birds and animals bring to humans?
Student Ivanov: Birds peck mosquitoes, and cats catch mice for him.
Teacher: Petrov, what book about famous travelers have you read?
Student Petukhov: "Frog traveler"
Teacher: Who will answer how the sea differs from the river? Please, Mishkin.
Student Mishkin: The river has two banks, and the sea has one.
Student Zaitsev reaches out his hand.
Teacher: What do you want, Zaitsev? Is there something you want to ask?
Student Zaitsev: Mary Ivanna, is it true that people descended from monkeys?
Teacher: Is it true.
Student Zaitsev: That's why I see: there are so few monkeys!
Teacher: Kozyavin, please answer, what is the lifespan of a mouse?
Student Kozyavin: Well, Mary Ivanna, it depends entirely on the cat.
Teacher: Meshkov will go to the board and tell us about the crocodile.
Student Meshkov(going to the board): The length of the crocodile from head to tail is five meters, and from tail to head is seven meters.
Teacher: Think about what you are saying! Is it possible?
Student Meshkov: Happens! For example, from Monday to Wednesday - two days, and from Wednesday to Monday - five!
Teacher: Khomyakov, answer me, why do people need a nervous system?
Student Khomyakov: To be nervous.
Teacher: Why do you, Sinichkin, look at your watch every minute?
Student Sinichkin: Because I'm terribly worried that the bell will interrupt an amazingly interesting lesson.
Teacher: Guys, who can answer where the bird is flying with a straw in its beak?
Student Belkov raises his hand higher than everyone else.
Teacher: Try it, Belkov.
Student Belkov: To the cocktail bar, Mary Ivanna.
Teacher: Teplyakova, what are the last teeth a person develops?
Student Teplyakova: Inserts, Mary Ivanna.
Teacher: Now I will ask you a very difficult question, for the correct answer I will immediately give you an A plus. And the question is: “Why is European time ahead of American time?”
Student Klyushkin reaches out his hand.
Teacher: Answer, Klyushkin.
Student Klyushkin: Because America was discovered later!
"At math lessons"
Characters: teacher and students in class
Teacher: Petrov, you can hardly count to ten. I can’t imagine what you can become?
Student Petrov: Boxing judge, Mary Ivanna!
Teacher: Trushkin goes to the board to solve the problem.
Student Trushkin goes to the blackboard.
Teacher: Listen carefully to the problem statement. Dad bought 1 kilogram of sweets, and mom bought another 2 kilograms. How many...
Student Trushkin heads to the door.
Teacher: Trushkin, where are you going?!
Student Trushkin: I ran home, I have candy!
Teacher: Petrov, bring the diary here. I'll put your deuce in it yesterday.
Student Petrov: I don't have one.
Teacher: Where is he?
Student Petrov: And I gave it to Vitka - to scare his parents!
Teacher: Vasechkin, if you have ten rubles, and you ask your brother for another ten rubles, how much money will you have?
Student Vasechkin: Ten rubles.
Teacher: You just don't know math!
Student Vasechkin: No, you don't know my brother!
Teacher: Sidorov, please answer, what is three times seven?
Student Sidorov: Marya Ivanovna, I will answer your question only in the presence of my lawyer!
Teacher: Why, Ivanov, does your father always do your homework for you?
Student Ivanov: And mom has no free time!
Teacher: Now solve problem number 125 yourself.
The students get to work.
Teacher: Smirnov! Why are you copying from Terentyev?
Student Smirnov: No, Mary Ivanna, he’s copying it from me, and I’m just checking to see if he did it correctly!
Teacher: Guys, who is Archimedes? Answer, Shcherbinina.
Shcherbinin's student: This is a mathematical Greek.
Sketch "At Russian language lessons"
Characters: teacher and class students
Teacher: Let's hear how you learned your homework. Whoever answers first will receive a higher point.
Student Ivanov(pulls out his hand and shouts): Mary Ivanna, I will be the first, give me three at once!
Teacher: Your essay about a dog, Petrov, is word for word similar to Ivanov’s essay!
Student Petrov: Mary Ivanna, Ivanov and I live in the same yard, and there we have one dog for all of us!
Teacher: You, Sidorov, have a wonderful essay, but why isn’t it finished?
Student Sidorov: But because dad was urgently called to work!
Teacher: Koshkin, admit it, who wrote your essay?
Student Koshkin: Don't know. I went to bed early.
Teacher: And as for you, Klevtsov, let your grandfather come to see me tomorrow!
Student Klevtsov: Grandfather? Maybe dad?
Teacher: No, grandpa. I want to show him what gross mistakes his son makes when he writes an essay for you.
Teacher: What kind of word is “egg”, Sinichkin?
Student Sinichkin: None.
Teacher: Why?
Student Sinichkin: Because it is unknown who will hatch from it: a rooster or a chicken.
Teacher: Petushkov, determine the gender of the words: “chair”, “table”, “sock”, “stocking”.
Student Petushkov: “Table”, “chair” and “sock” are masculine, and “stocking” is feminine.
Teacher: Why?
Student Petushkov: Because only women wear stockings!
Teacher: Smirnov, go to the board, write down and analyze the sentence.
Student Smirnov comes to the blackboard.
The teacher dictates, and the student writes down: “Dad went to the garage.”
Teacher: Ready? We are listening to you.
Student Smirnov: Dad is the subject, went away is the predicate, to the garage is ... a preposition.
Teacher: Who guys can come up with a sentence with homogeneous members?
Student Tyulkina raises her hand.
Teacher: Please, Tyulkina.
Student Tyulkina: There were no trees, bushes, or grass in the forest.
Teacher: Sobakin, come up with a sentence with the numeral “three”.
Student Sobakin: My mother works at a knitwear factory.
Teacher: Rubashkin, go to the board and write down the sentence.
Student Rubashkin goes to the blackboard.
Teacher dictates: The guys caught butterflies with nets.
Student Rubashkin writes: The guys caught butterflies with glasses.
Teacher: Rubashkin, why are you so inattentive?
Student Rubashkin: And what?
Teacher: Where have you seen bespectacled butterflies?
Teacher: Meshkov, what part of speech is the word “dry”?
Student Meshkov stood up and remained silent for a long time.
Teacher: Well, think about it, Meshkov, what question does this word answer?
Student Meshkov: Which one? Dryish!
Teacher: Antonyms are words that are opposite in meaning. For example, fat - thin, cry - laugh, day - night. Petushkov, now give me your example.
Student Petushkov: Cat dog.
Teacher: What does “cat and dog” have to do with it?
Student Petushkov: Well, how? They are opposites and often fight with each other.
Teacher: Sidorov, why are you eating apples in class?
Student Sidorov: It's a pity to waste time during recess!
Teacher: Stop immediately! By the way, why weren't you at school yesterday?
Student Sidorov: My older brother got sick.
Teacher: What do you have to do with it?
Student Sidorov: And I rode his bike!
Teacher: Sidorov! My patience has run out! Don't come to school tomorrow without your father!
Student Sidorov: And the day after tomorrow?
Teacher: Sushkina, come up with a proposal with an appeal.
Sushkina's student: Mary Ivanna, call!
This crazy, funny joke New Year's scene for adults, which was written by the modern author Anastasia Borzenko, the site really liked it. We hope you like it too. Thanks to the author for his talent!
Once upon a time in the cold winter time A wolf came out of the forest, it was bitterly cold!
He looks, slowly rises up the mountain... an arctic fox humming something under his breath!
(an arctic fox appears, singing something under its breath, holding a bag in its hands)
And then the wolf thought... what luck, his wife has a richer fur coat
I asked to leave it under the tree as a gift... I need to amuse my beloved!
(Wolf) - Oh, gold, I’m a great fellow... under New Year such a fox!
The arctic fox busily that morning, I must admit, rummaged around Misha’s warehouse a little,
While Misha was sleeping sweetly in a warm crib, he bought himself a pot of delicious honey.
And he rushed home joyfully, soon to surprise his family with a delicious dinner,
I didn’t know, to his Pesetsky grief… that they decided to change him into a fur coat!
(Arctic fox) - In our country they don’t ring, but ring, Misha’s barrel of honey has been removed!
(crashes into the wolf, shakes himself off)
(Arctic fox) - Hello wolf, click your teeth!
(Wolf) - Well, what kind of childish fun! It's time to no longer have labels... as if the only thing that distinguishes a wolf is the presence of teeth! I’m glad to see you too, scribe...and you...are handsome, well done! (feels the arctic fox) and your fur is soft and splendid, quite magnificent for our place!
(The Arctic fox looks at the wolf in shock. The bear appears.)
(Bear) - Great, brothers!
(The wolf is dissatisfied) - Clubfoot...
(Arctic fox joyfully) - Let me shake a cool paw! (hides behind him from the wolf) - how good it is that you came, I walked around the entire edge of the forest!
(Bear) - both I and I dreamed that my honey was, therefore, in trouble! It’s as if someone wants to shamelessly take it for themselves! And I wake up - exactly, in my hand! They stole my honey...what the...
(Arctic fox) - My friend! what are you saying, Misha...
(The wolf admiringly touches the arctic fox) - Oh, how you shine in the sun!
(Bear) - I’ll find you and beat you!
(Wolf) - I’ll demand a separate vacation from my wife as soon as I give her a fur coat!
so a bear, a wolf and an arctic fox gathered at the New Year's place... what, but here the end is possible, very interesting!
One dreams of resell the honey in order to have a fun holiday, the other dreams of tearing off the fox fur and amusing the one who is best in his heart!
And the third is looking for parasites to pay for the theft...
(Arctic fox) - What are your plans for the new year?
(Wolf) - I’ll be drunk with happiness, Arctic fox, let’s go to my chambers, let the clubfoot look for the thief!
(He takes the Arctic fox in his arms and tries to pull him away)
You smell wonderful, what luck!
(Bear) - What are these sticky marks... and they smell like honey!
(The Arctic fox fearfully throws away the bag)
(Bear) - However, my friend, you’ve done well... well, that’s it, now for you....
(Wolf) - Arctic fox!
(Bear) - Yes, exactly, Arctic fox!
(Wolf) - well, no, I won’t give it away, my madam is waiting for the fur coat! And you will ruin it, Misha, you better take your honey and celebrate the holiday!
(Arctic fox) - Me, fur coat???
(Wolf) - come here, my dear!
(Bear) - you're confusing something, wolf... well, get your paws off, I'll bite off the thief's paw, don't let him scurry around in someone else's honey!
(Wolf) - and will my fur coat be sleeveless? This will not work! And we don’t live in India, they don’t do that in Russia!
(Arctic fox) - in Russia everyone is always forgiven! After all, we great country, let's just go our separate ways, my furry friends?
(Bear) after thinking. - Come on! You will return the honey, but if you encroach again...
(Arctic fox) - And you, toothy, henpecked!
(wolf) Arctic fox, it would be better if you were silent! You don’t understand what Love is, it freezes your head and blood!
(Bear) - I wish I could run around the edge of the forest in such cold weather without a hat, what a wonderful animal in love! You give her better than honey! She hasn't eaten like this in ages, Arctic fox, give him the pot
(Arctic fox) Hold it, my affectionate friend!
That's how the story ended with a kind word in the cold winter season!
Funny wedding scene
The receptionist reads the text to the newlyweds
Reg: Citizen Markov Ivan Petrovich, do you agree to marry citizen Petrova Lyubov Alexandrovna and live with her in love and harmony until death do you part?
Groom: Yes
Reg: (looking at the bride) Citizen Petrova Lyubov Aleksandrovna, do you agree to take as your husband for the sixth time, this time citizen Ivan Petrovich Markov, and live with him, well, I don’t know how you usually live there with your husbands, because that every time some bullshit separates you!
The scene about the museum is also funny
Two people walk around the museum. They stop and start discussing.
How do you like this?
- I think it's great! Look, what lines, what clarity! Brilliant simplicity!
- I don’t argue – it’s drawn skillfully! Where's the signature? Where is the stamp?!
Shot of them both reviewing a fire evacuation plan
Scene - kindergarten
Parent and Educator
R.: Good evening! I'm behind Vadik
V.: Hello! I need to talk to you seriously
R.: What happened?
V.: Your Vadik drew a naked woman during class! Here!!! (holds out watercolor)
R.: ???
V.: This is a disgrace! It's horrible!!!
R.: ...sorry, ...I'll deal with him...!!!
V.: Yes, yes, figure it out! How he draws breasts! Where are the shadows?!! Where are the proportions?!! I’m generally silent about arms and calves!
Scene in flower shop
Buyer: Can you help me choose roses?
Seller: Of course. White ones symbolize love and tenderness. Red – feelings and passion! ...
Buyer: What if they are both red and white?
Seller: Such a bouquet means: “Darling, everything will be! But only after Spartak kicks those suckers over there!”
Cool scene about car mechanics
1st: Not wrinkled, everything shines, goes well, makes almost no noise! And what skin she has!
2nd: Does she know how to cook borscht?
1st: I didn’t ask
Funny skit about doctors
Bank. Currency exchange booth. A woman enters. Turns to the cashier.
J: Hello! What is the chocolate rate today?
K: 7-50 per hundred grams
Zh: Okay, today ten and three cognacs
(the cashier takes chocolate and cognac and counts out the money)
K: Please, here is your money. By the way, happy Medical Worker's Day to you!
Sketch about cops
Two operas communicate
1st: Seryoga, is there anything to read?
2nd: I’ll take a look now....Have you read Akunin?
1st: Yes, I read all of Akunin
2nd: He writes wonderfully, I agree!
1st: Yes, he can. Is there Ulitskaya?
2nd: No, Vadik took Ulitskaya to read. Pelevin is there.
1st: Is it interesting?
2nd: Well, in general, yes... (holds out a folder with the file) Here, look for yourself
1st: (reads a sheet from the folder) I, Alexander Mikhailovich Pelevin, while drunk, stabbed citizen Uvarova three times...
A skit about a seller and a buyer
The buyer approaches the consultant.
BUYER: Tell me, do you have a book “How to Achieve Success and Influence Others”?
CONSULTANT: She's been gone for a long time
BUYER: And “How to submit a report quickly and get out of work to Zainka”?
CONSULTANT: No. But I can recommend “How to quickly get to the bathhouse on Friday”
BUYER: I'm not interested. Is there a book “How to borrow a couple of pieces and not give them back for a long time”?
CONSULTANT: There is no such thing
BUYER: And “How to meet a girl and bring her home on the first day”?
CONSULTANT: No either.
BUYER: Oh...
CONSULTANT: (interrupts) There is a book “How to get away from a consultant and look for books yourself”
Funny scene about policemen
Employee 1: Where is our tea!? He's a tea leaves! He's Lipton! It's a bag on a string!
Employee 2: It's in the closet! He's "Plywood"! He's the "Dump"! He’s “Finally figure it out”!
Employee: Where's the sugar?! He is “Sweet”, he is “Sticky”, he is also “White Death”!
Employee 2: Today at 9:45 am Moscow time I recorded a lack of sugar. The operational-investigative measures yielded results: the trail leads to the 15th office.
Employee 1: Task force - on the move!
Puts on a mask, takes the sugar bowl and runs out of the room
Sketch "Our cases"
(By L. TO Aminsky)
Characters : teacher and student Petrov
Teacher:Petrov, go to the blackboard and write down a short story that I will dictate to you.
Studentgoes to the board and gets ready to write.
Teacher (dictates): “Dad and mom scolded Vova for bad behavior. Vova was silent guiltily, and then promised to improve.”
Studentwrites from dictation on the board.
Teacher:Wonderful! Underline all the nouns in your story.
Studentemphasizes the words: “dad”, “mom”, “Vova”, “behaviour”, “Vova”, “promise”.
Teacher:Ready? Determine which cases these nouns are in. Understood?
Student: Yes!
Teacher: Get started!
Student: "Father and mother". Who? What? Parents. This means the case is genitive.
Scolded someone, what? Vova. “Vova” is a name. This means the case is nominative.
Scolded for what? For bad behavior. Apparently he did something. This means that “behavior” has the instrumental case.
Vova was silent guiltily. This means that here “Vova” has the accusative case.
Well, the “promise,” of course, is in the dative case, since Vova gave it!
That's all!
Teacher: Yes, the analysis turned out to be original! Bring me the diary, Petrov. I wonder what mark you would suggest you set for yourself?
Student: Which one? Of course, an A!
Teacher:So, five? By the way, in what case did you name this word - “five”?
Student: In the prepositional form!
Teacher:In the prepositional? Why?
Student : Well, I suggested it myself!
Sketch "Correct answer"
(AND. B utman)
Characters : teacher and student Petrov
Teacher: Petrov, how much will it be: four divided by two?
Student: What should we divide, Mikhail Ivanovich?
Teacher: Well, let's say four apples.
Student: And between whom?
Teacher: Well, let it be between you and Sidorov.
Student: Then three for me and one for Sidorov.
Teacher: Why is this?
Student: Because Sidorov owes me one apple.
Teacher: Doesn’t he owe you a plum?
Student: No, you shouldn’t have plums.
Teacher: Well, how much will it be if four plums are divided by two?
Student: Four. And all to Sidorov.
Teacher: Why four?
Student: Because I don't like plums.
Teacher: Wrong again.
Student: How many is correct?
Teacher: But now I’ll put the correct answer in your diary!
Scene "3=7 and 2=5"
(Newspaper "Primary School", "Mathematics", No. 24, 2002)
Teacher: Well, Petrov? What should I do with you?
Petrov: And what?
Teacher: You didn’t do anything all year, you didn’t study anything. I don’t really know what to put on your report.
Petrov(looking sullenly at the floor): I, Ivan Ivanovich, was engaged in scientific work.
Teacher: What are you talking about? Which one?
Petrov: I decided that all our mathematics was wrong and... proved it!
Teacher: Well, how, Comrade Great Petrov, did you achieve this?
Petrov: Ah, what can I say, Ivan Ivanovich! It’s not my fault that Pythagoras was wrong and this... Archimedes!
Teacher: Archimedes?
Petrov: And he too, After all, they said that three is equal to only three.
Teacher: What else?
Petrov(solemnly): This is not true! I proved that three equals seven!
Teacher: Like this?
Petrov: But look: 15 -15 = 0. Right?
Teacher: Right.
Petrov: 35 - 35 =0 - also true. So 15-15 = 35-35. Right?
Teacher: Right.
Petrov: We take out the common factors: 3(5-5) = 7(5-5). Right?
Teacher: Exactly.
Petrov: Hehe! (5-5) = (5-5). This is also true!
Teacher: Yes.
Petrov: Then everything is upside down: 3 = 7!
Teacher: Yeah! So, Petrov, we survived.
Petrov: I didn’t want to, Ivan Ivanovich. But you can’t sin against science...
Teacher: It's clear. Look: 20-20 = 0. Right?
Petrov: Exactly!
Teacher: 8-8 = 0 - also true. Then 20-20 = 8-8. It is truth too?
Petrov: Exactly, Ivan Ivanovich, exactly.
Teacher: We take out the common factors: 5(4-4) = 2(4-4). Right?
Petrov: Right!
Teacher: Then that’s it, Petrov, I’ll give you a “2”!
Petrov: For what, Ivan Ivanovich?
Teacher: Don’t be upset, Petrov, because if we divide both sides of the equality by (4-4), then 2=5. Is that what you did?
Petrov: Let us suppose.
Teacher: So I put “2”, who cares. A?
Petrov: No, it doesn’t matter, Ivan Ivanovich, “5” is better.
Teacher: Perhaps it’s better, Petrov, but until you prove this, you will have a D in a year, which, in your opinion, is equal to an A!
Guys, help Petrov .
Scene "Folder under the mouse"
(AND. WITH Emerenko)
Vovka: Listen, I'll tell you a funny story. Yesterday I took the folder by the mouse and went to Uncle Yura, my mother ordered.
Andrey: Ha ha ha! It's really funny.
Vovka(surprised): What's so funny? I haven't even started to tell you yet.
Andrey(laughing): A folder... under your arm! Well thought out. Yes, your folder won’t fit under your arm, he’s not a cat!
Vovka: Why “my folder”? The folder is dad's. You've forgotten how to speak correctly because of laughter, or what?
Andrey: (winking and tapping himself on the forehead): Ah, I guessed it! Grandfather - under the arm! He himself speaks incorrectly, but he also teaches. Now it’s clear: dad’s folder is your grandfather Kolya! In general, it’s great that you came up with this - funny and with a riddle!
Vova(offended): What does my grandfather Kolya have to do with it? I wanted to tell you something completely different. I didn’t listen to the end, but you laugh and get in the way of talking. And he dragged my grandfather under his arm, what a storyteller he was! I'd rather go home than talk to you.
Andrey (to himself, left alone): And why was he offended? Why tell funny stories if you can't laugh?
Sketch "At the lessons of natural history"
Characters : teacher and students in class
Teacher:Who can name five wild animals?
Student Petrov reaches out his hand .
Teacher: Answer, Petrov.
Student Petrov: Tiger, tigress and... three tiger cubs.
Teacher: What are dense forests? Answer, Kosichkina!
Student Kosichkina : These are the kind of forests in which... it’s good to doze off.
Teacher: Simakova, please name the parts of the flower.
Student Simakova : Petals, stem, pot.
Teacher: Ivanov, please answer us, what benefits do birds and animals bring to humans?
Student Ivanov: Birds peck mosquitoes, and cats catch mice for him.
Teacher: Petrov, what book about famous travelers have you read?
Student Petukhov: "Frog traveler"
Teacher: Who can answer how the sea differs from the river? Please, Mishkin.
Student Mishkin: The river has two banks, and the sea has one.
Student Zaitsev reaches out his hand .
Teacher: What do you want, Zaitsev? Is there something you want to ask?
Student Zaitsev: Mary Ivanna, is it true that people descended from monkeys?
Teacher: Is it true.
Student Zaitsev: That's what I see: there are so few monkeys!
Teacher: Kozyavin, please answer, what is the life expectancy of a mouse?
Student Kozyavin: Well, Mary Ivanna, it depends entirely on the cat.
Teacher: Meshkov will go to the board and tell us about the crocodile.
Student Meshkov (coming to the blackboard) : The length of the crocodile from head to tail is five meters, and from tail to head - seven meters.
Teacher: Think about what you are saying! Is it possible?
Student Meshkov: Happens! For example, from Monday to Wednesday - two days, and from Wednesday to Monday - five!
Teacher: Khomyakov, answer me, why do people need a nervous system?
Student Khomyakov: To be nervous.
Teacher: Why do you, Sinichkin, look at your watch every minute?
Student Sinichkin: Because I'm terribly worried that the bell will interrupt an amazingly interesting lesson.
Teacher: Guys, who can answer where the bird is flying with a straw in its beak?
Student Belkov raises his hand higher than everyone else.
Teacher: Try, Belkov.
Student Belkov: To the cocktail bar, Mary Ivanna.
Teacher: Teplyakova, what are the last teeth a person develops?
Student Teplyakova: Inserts, Mary Ivanna.
Teacher: Now I will ask you a very difficult question, for the correct answer I will immediately give you an A plus. And the question is: “Why is European time ahead of American time?”
Student Klyushkin reaches out his hand .
Teacher: Answer, Klyushkin. Teacher : Trushkin goes to the board to solve the problem.
Student Trushkingoes to the board.
Teacher: Listen carefully to the statement of the problem. Dad bought 1 kilogram of sweets, and mom bought another 2 kilograms. How many...
Student Trushkinheads towards the door.
Teacher: Trushkin, where are you going?!
Student Trushkin: I ran home, I have candy!
Teacher: Petrov, bring the diary here. I'll put your deuce in it yesterday.
Student Petrov: I don't have one.
Teacher: Where is he?
Student Petrov: And I gave it to Vitka - to scare his parents!
Teacher: Vasechkin, if you have ten rubles, and you ask your brother for another ten rubles, how much money will you have?
Student Vasechkin: Ten rubles.
Teacher: You just don’t know math!
Student Vasechkin: No, you don’t know my brother!
Teacher: Sidorov, please answer, what is three times seven?
Student Sidorov: Marya Ivanovna, I will answer your question only in the presence of my lawyer!
Teacher: Why, Ivanov, does your father always do your homework for you?
Student Ivanov: And mom doesn’t have free time!
Teacher: Now solve problem number 125 yourself.
The students get to work .
Teacher: Smirnov! Why are you copying from Terentyev?
Student Smirnov: No, Mary Ivanna, he’s copying it from me, and I’m just checking to see if he did it correctly!
Teacher: Guys, who is Archimedes? Answer, Shcherbinina.
Shcherbinin's student : This is a mathematical Greek.
