Definition - what is a model confident behavior?

Confident behavior (or self-assertion, self-confidence) involves expressing someone's feelings, preferences, needs or opinions - in a specific manner that is neither threatening nor punitive towards another person. In addition, confident behavior excludes untimely or disproportionate anxiety, anxiety or fear. Contrary to popular belief, the main purpose of self-affirmation is not to get what you want, and certainly not a way to control and manipulate other people. Confident behavior is a direct communication of your needs, desires, opinions - without punishing, threatening, or humiliating another person. It also implies asserting one's legal rights free from any unjustified fear and not infringing on the rights of others. Thus, self-affirmation is neither a panacea nor simple solution of the world's eternal problems is simply a way of immediate, direct and honest communication between individuals. The main emphasis is on your ability to express your feelings and opinions in an appropriate manner.

Assertive behavior should be viewed as a situation-dependent, specific behavior that is learned. What we mean here is that self-assertion, self-confidence, is not an innate quality - and it is not something that people have or do not have, like, say, blue eyes. It is a skill, or a way of behaving, that can be learned and thereby taught. Moreover, this is not necessarily the predominant mode of behavior. People cannot be self-confident and assert themselves in all situations. Most likely people learn in different ways behavior in different situations. The same person may have difficulty expressing disagreement with his parents, but not have the slightest difficulty disagreeing with friends. In both situations, the person learned to behave differently. Another person may behave quite normally, expressing their feelings and opinions with their parents, but feel confused when receiving compliments from their spouse. So you see that people are not generally overconfident or insecure, but their behavior depends on the situation.

Confident behavior consists of a range of behaviors addressed to different people. We grouped these models into three general categories: expression of positive feelings, self-affirmation, and expression of negative feelings. Some of the people who play an important role in asserting yourself are friends, spouses, lovers (if you are not married), parents and other family members, public figures, business partners, colleagues and subordinates.

As you can see, expressing positive feelings includes the ability to give and receive a compliment, make a request, express sympathy, love and delight, and start and maintain a conversation. Self-assertion includes the expression of legal rights or refusal, the expression of personal opinion. Finally, negative emotions include the expression of reasonable (justified) irritation, displeasure and righteous anger.

How often you assert yourself will certainly vary within these broad and general categories. It is possible that you assert yourself within one of these behaviors more often than others. For example, you may find it much easier to express your irritation than to ask someone else for something. Additionally, you may express your true feelings and intentions more often to some people than to others. Perhaps it is much easier for you to talk with your boss than with your brothers-in-law. As has already been said, assertive behavior is not a general way of behavior - it is a skill that we learn and that is relevant to the situation we are faced with. Other factors also influence the likelihood of assertive behavior. Some of them represent conventions accepted in a particular culture, as well as the people who are involved in this situation. These factors influence when confident behavior has a basis and foundation, which is the essence of appropriate and reasonable behavior.

The exercises in this collection have been modeled to teach you how to express yourself more effectively, give you a wider range of self-affirming behaviors, and teach you how to approach and interact with the wider range of people with whom you interact on a day-to-day basis.

Why is confident behavior so important?

There are a number of reasons that answer this question. First of all, the ability to express oneself seems to be a desirable and sometimes necessary skill for human survival. Among other things, the ability to act confidently is an important component by which mental health has been judged for many years. It is often found that individuals who have difficulty expressing themselves in many situations and different people, suffer from low self-esteem, depression and unjustified uncertainty in interpersonal situations. They report feeling undervalued, their services taken for granted, and taken advantage of by others. They also complain of various somatic or psychosomatic disorders, such as headache or stomach problems.

In contrast, people who have participated in training programs that develop conscious (responsible) assertive behavior often report increased feelings of self-esteem, positive reactions from others, decreased feelings of self-doubt in various social situations, improved interpersonal communication and a reduction in somatic disorders. The self-empowerment training course is neither a panacea nor a collection of pseudo-tips indicating how to act in specific situation; however, as we learn to assert ourselves, many of the accompanying phenomena we mentioned above make themselves felt. Thus, the ability to engage in assertive behavior that we choose and adopt consciously is a desirable skill to develop.

Development of insecure and confident behavior patterns

You're probably already wondering how you got into the habit of not asserting yourself in certain situations. There may be no simple answer to this question, and, of course, the answer will be different in each case, for each person. However, there are a number of factors including punishment, coercion, shaping conditions, lack of opportunity, cultural standards and personal beliefs, and lack of self-confidence that can all contribute to the development of self-doubt. Often people fail to assert themselves in a particular situation because they have previously been punished - either physically or verbally - for attempting to assert themselves in that situation. We were punished by our parents, teachers, and other people for a certain style of behavior. If you were punished as a child for expressing your opinions, particularly when they did not agree with the opinions of others, it is possible that you now feel uncomfortable or insecure in situations that require you to assert yourself. Feeling insecure or anxious is unpleasant for most of us, and it is something we try to eliminate or avoid. One of the ways to reduce anxiety in the above-mentioned situations is not to express your opinion, which means to behave unaffirmatively.

You may remember one of your teachers reprimanding you for answering a question incorrectly or asking a question that the teacher deemed inappropriate. Perhaps you remember being hurt by your teacher's contempt and embarrassed in front of your classmates. The anxiety caused by a few incidents such as these can precipitate an inability to express oneself freely in other group situations.

Similarly, you may remember as a child refusing to help your friend tidy up his playroom because that friend had deliberately left toys all over the room. Unfortunately, at this moment one of your parents, who did not understand the situation, came in and insisted that you were behaving incorrectly. You were forced to clean the room alone, and besides, you were sent to the bedroom - to sit there until the evening. In this situation, you were unfairly punished because you refused to fulfill an unreasonable request. After a series of similar experiences, you quickly learned that it is much better to give in to most requests than to be undeservedly punished for not fulfilling them.

So one of the ways we learn not to express ourselves in a certain situation is by being repeatedly punished for expressing ourselves in that situation, and thus developing a feeling of discomfort. We alleviate this feeling of discomfort by refusing to express ourselves, our feelings and opinions. Unfortunately, most often this leads to the development and development of such non-affirming reactions as passive disagreement, silence, or feigned agreement - shaking the head or expressing an opinion that differs from what we really think.

In addition, a person may learn to behave in an insecure, non-self-affirming manner because similar model behavior is rewarded or imposed in similar situation. There is a very high probability that the pattern of behavior that is rewarded or imposed will be repeated in the future - in the same situation. Thus, if you behave insecurely, and others reward you for it, then most likely you will do the same again. Imagine, for example, that your friend asks you to make a special trip to the city center to pick up some package - but in such a way that he will not be late for his weekly game of cards. To fulfill a request means to create significant inconvenience for yourself at this moment. If you behave insecurely, do not defend your rights, and give in, it is quite possible that your friend will reward you and say something nice to you. And although you thought the request was inappropriate, your friend's intrusiveness increases the possibility that you will continue to hide your true feelings and give in to his/her requests in the future.

In many cases, punishing assertive behavior and imposing an insecure, compliant model occur simultaneously. For example, research in parenting has shown that many of the interpersonal communication patterns that children learn in school require them to be passive, to remain silent, and to keep their heads down and not rock the boat. An obedient, quiet child is most often valued and rewarded (supported) by teachers, while an inquisitive child with his own opinion may be seen as a troublemaker or a troublemaker and may be punished more often than his friend who asserts himself less. Thus, in formal upbringing, children often learn that it is better, or perhaps safer, to be seen but not heard.

The pattern of behavior that was typically enacted by important individuals in our environment as we grew up is another important source influencing the development of insecure, non-self-enhancing behavior. Much of what we learn happens through what we call modeling. Modeling involves observing and imitating the behavior of people significant to us. For example, if your parents rarely expressed their feelings of love openly, it is possible that you, too, have learned to hide this feeling. Likewise, if your parents habitually acquiesced to the requests of others, even when it caused significant inconvenience, you most likely learned to accommodate others by denying yourself. Perhaps you remember your neighbor who always borrowed, but rarely returned, his father's instruments, which he received as a prize. And even though Dad grumbled and complained about it behind this neighbor's back, he continued to borrow these tools because he felt obligated to behave like good neighbor. Are you now repeating the same pattern of behavior with your friends and neighbors?

A fourth contributing factor is a lack of opportunity to develop appropriate behavior. Many people behave insecurely in social situations, giving up their rights because they have not had the opportunity in the past to learn appropriate behavior patterns. Finding themselves in a new situation, they are lost - they do not know how to react, and on top of everything else, they feel insecure due to a lack of knowledge in general. For example, a freshman in college who is just starting to date because his/her parents previously thought it was too early for him/her to do so may feel insecure because I didn't know how to start a conversation during a date, or I could not squeeze out a word, since I had never had such conversations before. The person reports that he/she was too passive because... didn't know how to behave. Another example was shared by someone who reported difficulty communicating with salespeople because my parents used to take care of this for me and I never addressed special attention and didn't worry about how to handle situations where I didn't like what the salesperson showed me.

Another factor includes cultural standards and personal beliefs that serve as learned injunctions against assertive behavior. Different cultural groups teach their members different behaviors in social situations. For example, one woman stated that the cultural standards she learned as a child were completely unhelpful and unfruitful for her as an adult and professional. She said that she was raised in a Latin American country where she was taught that women should be passive and not express their opinions openly. However, as an adult and in the United States, she found that she felt extremely tense and awkward, constrained because she was often asked to express her opinion, in particular about professional work. The cultural standards she learned as a child conflicted with the demands of her personal and professional life as an adult and caused her significant discomfort and confusion.

In addition to cultural standards, there are a wide variety of personal beliefs that can be associated with assertive behavior. We learn and act on beliefs like if you can't say anything nice about someone, then don't say anything at all, everyone should love me. To build your behavior in strict dependence on these and similar attitudes - this most often means a ban on expressing your feelings, attitudes, opinions.

Finally, people often fail to engage in assertive behavior because they are unsure of their rights in a given situation. It is quite possible that they never knew what their rights were. If you are not confident in your rights, and in the rights of others, the prospect of confident, affirming behavior in a given situation is significantly reduced.

This manual aims to help you develop confident, self-affirming behavior - in situations in which you previously behaved insecurely. In many ways, the development of self-affirming behavior follows the same principles as insecure behavior. So, as you learn assertive behavior, we will ask you to develop opportunities and situations that require assertive behavior, and to practice assertive behavior regularly and reward yourself for it. In addition, we will ask you to examine your cultural standards and beliefs that may prohibit you from acting confidently in a particular situation.

How to distinguish between insecure (non-self-affirming), aggressive and confident behavior

In order to behave in a self-affirming manner in a given situation, you must understand what it is all about - confident behavior. Most effective method to understand this is to compare the behavior model in question with an aggressive and uncertain reaction to the situation. This method was proposed by R. Alberti and M.L. Emmons - Your legal right: Recommendations for developing assertive behavior (R.E. Alberti, M.L. Emmons, Your perfect Right: A Guide to Assertive Behavior).

Uncertain behavior

When a person behaves insecurely in a particular situation, he/she fails to express his/her feelings, needs, opinions, preferences, or he/she may express them indirectly, by hints, in an indirect or hidden manner. For example, while verbally agreeing to do something, such a person is not really interested in it, or he fails to ask for something, even if this only means making it clear that he rejects or does not accept someone’s opinion, interests, needs. Verbal refusal and denial can be accompanied by such nonverbal signs of insecure behavior as the desire to avoid direct gaze, speech patterns indicating hesitation, a quiet voice, tense body position, nervous or inappropriate movement situations.

Statements such as I think we could go to the cinema or I would like to know someone who would be willing to teach me how to jack up a car indicate indirect, implicit verbal messages that are hidden behind it, based on which the interlocutor must guess , to draw a conclusion about what the speaker wants and what he really thinks. One of the difficulties when dealing with indirect, incomplete, or implicit communication is that it can be interpreted in a variety of ways, and thus there is a high likelihood that it can be misunderstood. The reason for this is that this behavior sends different messages at the same time. In some cases, a person's verbal and nonverbal behavior are incompatible or contradictory. In words, the person says that he/she would be glad to provide this courtesy, but at the same time he/she looks dissatisfied. In other cases, the verbal message itself is inconsistent - for example, dinner at Andre's is not a bad idea, but do you know anyone who would really like eating at that restaurant?

To behave insecurely in a given situation is to give up or limit your rights because you fail to express your feelings, or you express them indirectly. Additionally, when you act insecure, you place the responsibility for making decisions that affect everyone in the situation solely on other people.

The explanation for this behavior can be a number of consequences that are undesirable for both persons - for the one who behaves insecurely and for the one with whom he is dealing. The likelihood that someone who is insecure will have their needs met, or that their opinions will be properly understood, is greatly reduced due to lack of communication, incompleteness, or omission. A person who behaves insecurely will often feel misunderstood, pushed around, and used. In addition, it is likely that he/she may be angry about the outcome of the situation, or feel hostility or frustration towards the other person. He/she may feel bad due to his/her inability to adequately express his/her opinions/feelings. This can lead to feelings of guilt, depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. People who behave in a characteristic, insecure manner in a number of situations may develop psychosomatic ailments such as headaches and ulcers due to the suppression of pent-up emotions. In the future, if the same situation in which a person behaves in an uncertain way is repeated, an explosion of his emotions may follow. There is a limit to the suppression of personal interests that a person keeps within himself. Unfortunately, at such a moment, the degree of frustration or anger expressed is most often not appropriate to the specific situation being overthrown.

A person with an insecure behavior pattern may also experience a number of negative consequences. Having to constantly guess what a person is really trying to say or read their mind is hard and cumbersome work that can lead to feelings of depression, frustration, or anger towards the person who is behaving in an uncertain manner. Worrying about whether you've understood someone correctly or feeling guilty because you've taken advantage of someone who doesn't say what they really think is very unpleasant, and as a result, it weakens any positive feelings that you feel for him. After all, it is a heavy burden to have to make decisions for another person and then discover that they are dissatisfied with the choices you made for them.

Aggressive behavior

In aggressive behavior, a person expresses their feelings and opinions, but does so in a rude, threatening, offensive, demanding, or hostile manner. A person with behavior that, in a particular situation, is aggressive, neglects or infringes on the rights of others. Thus, in aggressive behavior, the feelings and rights of the other person who is the object of aggression are taken into account very little, if not at all. Finally, a person who behaves aggressively in a given situation assumes very little responsibility for the consequences of his actions.

Aggressive behavior in a certain situation can be expressed directly or indirectly. Direct verbal aggression includes verbal attacks, name-calling, threats, humiliation, and hostile remarks. The nonverbal component may include hostile or threatening gestures such as fist waving, defiant behavior, and physical attack. Here are examples of verbally aggressive statements:

Come on, lend me $5.

Whether you want it or not, you will come with me.

Indirect verbal aggression includes sarcastic remarks, snarky comments, and malicious gossip. Indirect and nonverbal aggression includes physical gestures made when someone else's attention is directed elsewhere, or physical actions directed at other people and objects.

Sarcasm. A colleague gave you the final draft of his half of a report on a project you've been working on together for some time. You read it and find that it needs a lot of work. Instead of telling him/her directly, you sarcastically say: Hey Joe/Jane! This report you gave me isn't too bad for a first draft.

Evil gossip. You're really angry with your neighbor because a month ago you told him you were planning a party on Independence Day. Finally, everything is ready, you just didn’t have time to send out the invitations, and now you receive a similar invitation from him/her for the same day. Instead of confronting him/her, you start telling the other neighbors that this person stole your idea, that they shouldn't go to this party because he/she is only using them, that you can't trust him/her that he/she is throwing this party only because he/she has problems with his/her spouse and he/she wants to impress his/her significant other.

The main feature of aggressive behavior is achieving one’s goals in a situation where the interests of other people are little taken into account, and also at their expense. Aggressive behavior is often viewed as pushy behavior as someone trying to achieve their goals at any cost, pushing people away and other obstacles along the way.

Aggressive behavior often leads to undesirable consequences for both the aggressor and the target of aggression, i.e. recipient. The negative effect of such behavior for the recipient is obvious - his rights are violated. He/she may feel humiliated, infringed, or violated. In addition, the recipient may feel hurt or angry and desire revenge, directly or indirectly.

Although a person who behaves aggressively in a given situation may achieve the desired goals, he/she may experience undesirable consequences both immediately and subsequently. As a result, aggressive behavior often leads to immediate and more powerful, direct co-aggression - in the form of physical or verbal abuse. Aggression can also lead to indirect counteraggression in the form of a softly delivered sarcastic barb or a challenging glare. Long-term consequences may include strain in interpersonal relationships with the other person, or their attempts to avoid subsequent contact. After aggressive behavior, a person may suffer from feelings of guilt and reproach himself for his behavior. However, since he/she has already achieved the desired goal imposed by aggressive behavior, most likely he/she will continue to behave aggressively in a similar situation in the future, and will simply endure the remorse that may then arise - and then if they are noticeable enough.

Confident behavior

Assertive behavior involves directly expressing one's feelings, needs, defending legal rights, or opinions - without threatening or infringing on others. In addition, confident behavior eliminates excessive or inappropriate levels of fear or anxiety. Nonverbal behavior such as gaze, facial expression, body position, tone and volume of voice are also important and can add or refute something stated in words. These behaviors must be in harmony with the verbal content of the self-affirming message. For example, when someone expresses feelings of love, the tone and volume of their voice sounds completely different than when expressing frustration or displeasure.

In contrast to being insecure, assertive behavior means expressing one's feelings and opinions honestly and openly, rather than hidden hopes that the other person will understand someone else's thoughts. For example, instead of hesitantly saying to your neighbors: Do you have eggs at home?, you should say: Do you have two eggs - can you lend me for the pie I'm going to bake tonight? In a hesitant remark, your neighbors do not know that you are going to borrow two eggs from them. In fact, they may think that you have extra ones that you can lend them. In a confident statement, you clearly state that you would like to borrow two eggs. It's hard to imagine your neighbors misunderstanding this direct request. It is important to emphasize that no matter how many eggs your neighbors have, be it two or a thousand, they are not obliged to lend you these eggs, regardless of the manner in which you ask for it. It's up to you to ask in a confident manner that makes your request clear, while respecting the other person's response. Depending on your neighbor's answer, you may or may not need to repeat your request. If your neighbor gives a definite answer like, of course, here are two eggs for you, or sorry, I can’t borrow two eggs today, then you must respect other people’s wishes. However, if your neighbor asks Well, how much do you need? or Do you really need them today? you should answer his/her question and repeat your request if necessary. A repeated request seems appropriate if a clear answer is not received. There is a constant need for clarification of what may be appropriate and confident in a particular situation.

An aggressive approach to the request in this situation may be expressed in the demand for these two eggs, or in repeated requests when a final answer has been received. In addition, the demand for two eggs may be accompanied by sarcastic or derogatory comments and hostile gestures. For example:

First: Hey, give me a couple of eggs. I'll bake a pie in the evening.

Second: You know, I really don’t have enough of them, now I bake them myself and I need the eggs myself. No, actually, I can't lend them to you.

First: Come on, don't make a problem. Just give me two eggs.

In this situation, it seems that the first person is trying to force or force the second person to satisfy their needs. The behavior demonstrated by the first is an attempt to infringe on the rights of the second in a given situation.

The main goal of assertive behavior is not to achieve your goals at any cost. Rather, his goal is to communicate his needs, opinions, etc. in a clear, direct, and non-offensive manner. Provided that all this is in place, the chances of achieving your goals without infringing on the rights of others increase.

Confident behavior is expressed in the recognition of rights, awareness of one’s responsibility and all the consequences. A person expressing himself in a given situation must understand what his rights are in this situation, and what the rights of others are. The person must also be clear about his/her responsibility in the situation and the consequences that expressing his/her feelings may entail. For example, if your friend couldn't make his appointment and didn't call you to let you know that everything was cancelled, you have the right to express your feelings, but you should find out if he had any special circumstances. You should listen to your friend's explanation if the situation was unavoidable (someone got sick unexpectedly, the car broke down in a place where there were no telephones nearby, etc.). You will want to express your attitude, your feelings, but keeping in mind the consequences of what you say. For example, if your friend simply forgot or decided to go somewhere else, you need to be aware of the consequences of how you express your anger. Of course, your friend will feel a little upset, but overall he will likely not want to do this in the future, thereby increasing the likelihood that a more satisfying relationship will develop between you.

Does assertive behavior always mean that there is no conflict between two parties? No. A complete absence of conflict between them is impossible. There are some situations in which assertive behavior is appropriate and desirable, but may cause some frustration and irritation to the other person. For example, returning a product that is defective due to the manufacturer's fault to an employee of an empty warehouse, in a self-affirming manner or in some other manner, may not cause warm feelings. Likewise, expressing justified irritation or legitimate criticism in an appropriate manner may cause an initially negative reaction. Weighing all the consequences for both parties that may follow immediately or later is what is important. We believe that, by and large, assertive behavior aims to increase favorable and reduce unfavorable consequences for people.

Confident behavior in a given situation generally leads to favorable consequences for the people involved. A person who has expressed himself may or may not achieve his goals, but in general he feels better about being able to express his opinion. Clearly stating your position is likely to increase the likelihood that the other person will respect that position and behave accordingly. Thus, people who behave confidently in a certain situation are people who express their rights, make their choices, make their own decisions and take responsibility for their behavior.

Favorable consequences are also possible for the person who is the object of confident behavior in this situation. They communicate with this person clearly and clearly, no one manipulates him - in contrast to unexpressed and implicit communication (through omissions, hints), which refers to insecure behavior. In addition, he/she receives a request for a new behavior (behavior) or statement indicating the position of the other person, rather than a demand for a new behavior, which most likely indicates aggression. As a result, there is very little room for misinterpretation. Also, the other person may disagree with what assertive behavior refers to, may accept it, or may like it (I love you; I like your dress; I'm angry that you didn't call me as promised; I don't feel like letting you drive my car), the manner in which this is communicated does not infringe on his/her rights, humiliate him/her, or force him/her to make a different decision or take responsibility for someone else's behavior.

What happens when both parties engage in self-enhancing behavior in a situation? This may be a very desirable state of affairs. If the positions or opinions of the two parties are compatible, then both parties will be satisfied with their interaction. If positions are incompatible, then both parties can clearly acknowledge this and try to find a compromise or negotiate - if they wish to do so or if they simply respect the other's right to disagree and do not try to force their demands on each other. In the latter case, one can feel satisfied that he/she has expressed himself/herself, recognizing and accepting the fact that his/her goal may not be achieved.

Confident behavior is behavior that expresses inner strength and calm. This is a relaxed body without tension, no fuss in movements, a calm facial expression, a calm, direct, not “running” look, clear, not confused speech. Corset of confidence: no slouching, habit of keeping a straight back (royal posture), straightened shoulders, high neck, confident gait, clear gestures. Confident Human— looks straight, walks calmly, gestures boldly with his hands. A confident person has his own style of communication and characteristic turns of phrase, demonstrating his status and confidence. Confidence is the courage to express oneself: a sonorous voice that is not “squeaky”, not constrained by clamps of the vocal cords, loud, confident speech, certainty in wording, decisiveness in conclusions, ability express your desires and insist on your legal rights, readiness to give orders and demand their implementation.

Note: direct (bold) expression of one’s desires by a confident person not accompanied by aggression side interlocutor. Aggressive behavior when the rights of another are violated is no longer confident behavior.

Confident behavior helps mental health, while insecure behavior is a source of internal problems. Sagging shoulders, a sad look and eyebrows will provide you with a huge number of problems, difficulties, fears, horrors, troubles and other entertainment inherent in life. Those who are used to maintaining their posture usually have questions less, but more strength and positivity. Add to this an attentive, collected look, confident gestures, and you are ready to face difficulties. Train yourself to have a confident gait and posture!

Whenever something unpleasant happens to you (even if it’s a small thing - someone criticized you, a minor nuisance happened), meet it by straightening your shoulders and creating a beautiful posture for yourself. See how your worldview changes...

Feeling confident and confident behavior are interconnected. Confident behavior is helped by the correct internal state, and the state of confidence is strengthened by confident behavior. Try it! To feel confident, start acting confident. Anyone who behaves confidently, who behaves confidently, begins to feel more confident. By acting confident, you convince yourself with your confidence. Nothing convinces a person more than his own behavior. Of all the types of self-hypnosis, hypnosis with your own body is one of the most effective. In addition, by behaving confidently, you convince others with your confidence, and they begin to treat you accordingly. What is the most convincing for you?

How do people know who is the Boss in a given situation and how they should treat you? They don't know, but you tell them. Communicate with your behavior. Most people live according to patterns, and they are usually satisfied with any pattern - as long as it is confidently offered to them. So tell them that you need to be treated with respect, as one of the Masters of Life, and so that they are not tormented by doubts, do it as confidently as possible.

And the basis of confident behavior is training. To make your behavior more confident, practice. In any, even the most alarming situation, at dinner you will end up with a spoon in your mouth. Why? Because you have been eating this way for several decades, because this skill has been worked out. When you train yourself in this way to naturally confident behavior, then even in an alarming situation you will behave confidently - simply because you always behave this way. Start by straightening your back and speaking loudly. Louder than before. Why not? Others speak loudly, they are allowed. Try it too and see what happens. Most likely, nothing terrible will happen, and your confidence will begin to increase.

Note to yourself: it will be easier for you to develop new behavior in a new company (new environment). Think about maybe signing up for some courses or a section? It’s convenient to practice new, confident behavior in stores or on the market - where people don’t know you. There, no one will be surprised by your loud voice and confident statements, and gradually you will transfer your new skill to your usual surroundings.

Confident behavior just needs to be learned and accustomed to it.

Psychology of confident behavior

The term “assertiveness” itself appeared in Russian psychologists and business coaches relatively recently - about ten years ago. At the same time, few people manage to briefly explain what it means. In short, the ability to behave assertively is the ability to achieve your goals and communicate with others in such a way that neither your rights nor theirs are violated.

In addition, assertiveness as a quality implies a certain personal autonomy, independence from other people’s opinions and the assessment of others, the ability to independently plan one’s own life and implement these plans.

At the same time, assertiveness as a method of communication is the best way interaction in which you do not manipulate the interlocutor, but also do not allow yourself to be an object of manipulation.

We are familiar with the expression “human rights”. Assertive behavior represents the practical implementation of certain “psychological rights” that we often forget about. In particular, at any moment in your life you absolutely have the right to change your mind, refuse someone or say “I don’t understand you” and not feel remorse about this.

If we approach the issue in a little more detail, we can say that assertiveness involves three components:

· Ability to protect and defend one’s own rights and interests

· The ability to formulate and defend one’s own opinion, even if this involves any difficulties.

· Ability to express your feelings and emotions.

Assertiveness is the ability of a person to confidently and with dignity defend his rights without trampling on the rights of others. Assertive is direct, open behavior that is not intended to harm other people. A variety of special socio-psychological training programs have been developed aimed at developing and strengthening assertiveness. Some of them are more behaviorally oriented, others are more oriented towards the traditions of humanistic psychology, but all of them are guided to one degree or another by the principle of developing a person’s ability to be firm, honest and friendly.

Adolescence is considered a relatively young achievement for humanity. Most researchers associate its appearance with the development of a society that puts new, more high requirements before a person in terms of social maturity. If previously, in order to be considered an adult, a person had to go through the point of puberty, now this is not enough: a young person is faced with the task of meeting the requirements of society, and only by solving this problem can he be recognized as mature.

Different authors have proposed different lists of such development tasks. Accordingly, the length of time during which these development tasks can and should be resolved was assessed differently. Hence, there are significant differences in the timing of the beginning and end of adolescence and its duration in a person’s life.

However, the vast majority of psychologists, characterizing this age period, note the presence of drastic changes affecting almost all areas of a teenager’s life, leading to a restructuring of the entire system of relationships with others.

Many psychologists have addressed adolescence. Thus, St. Hall, who was the first to describe the features of adolescence and outline the range of problems associated with this age, considering human development from the standpoint of the theory of recapitulation, characterized adolescence as a period of storm and stress. Sh. Numerous studies have contributed to a wide range of facts regarding mental development during adolescence. The teenager accepts the changes that occur to his body in connection with the process of puberty, acquires new cognitive abilities, builds a hierarchy of motives that determine the scope of his preferences, develops new ways of regulating his own behavior (learns to manage himself), forms his own views on current events, builds his own worldview system, makes the first life choices (profession, loved one, direction of self-development, etc.), establishes new relationships with parents, taking into account their own increased independence and independence, enters into electoral interpersonal relationships friendship and love with peers.

The main outcome of adolescence is considered to be the achievement of a new level of self-awareness, i.e. By the end of this period, a person receives a certain holistic idea of ​​himself, relates to himself emotionally, tries to change negative traits in himself, and sets goals for self-development. Knowing oneself involves comparing oneself with others, so communication, especially communication with peers, takes on special importance in adolescence (peers are in equal positions, which provides maximum opportunities for social comparison).

There are a number of characteristics of confident behavior:

1. Emotional speech, openness in expressing feelings.

2. Direct and honest expression of one’s own opinion, without regard to others.

3. Use of the pronoun I, no attempts to hide behind vague formulations.

4. Accepting praise and refusal without self-deprecation and underestimation of one’s strengths and qualities.

5. Improvisation as a spontaneous expression of feelings and needs.

Taking responsibility for your own behavior. At its core, assertiveness is a philosophy of personal responsibility. That is we're talking about that we are responsible for our own behavior and have no right to blame other people for our reaction to their behavior. It is important for any coach to react intelligently to situations, and not give instant answers.

Demonstrating self-respect and respect for others. The main component of assertiveness is the presence of self-esteem and respect for other people. If you don't respect yourself, then who will respect you? Respect yourself because the employees participating in the training must respect you as a trainer.

Effective communication. IN in this case the main three qualities are the following: honesty, openness and directness in conversation, but not at the expense of emotional state another man. It's about being able to say what you think or feel about an issue without upsetting your communication partner. It is important that the trainer can communicate effectively with managers and ordinary employees. training confident behavior assertiveness teenager

Demonstrating confidence and a positive attitude. Assertive behavior involves developing confidence and a positive attitude. Self-confidence is related to two things: self-esteem and the knowledge that we are professionals who are good at our craft. All trainers must have strong confidence and a positive attitude in order to effectively deal with difficult situations that may arise during training activities.

Assertiveness requires the ability to listen carefully and the desire to understand the other person's point of view. We all consider ourselves good listeners, but the question arises how often we move from facts to assumptions when listening to another person, and how often we interrupt others in order to quickly make our point. point of view? Any trainer must learn carefully and listen productively and understand the essence of various problems and issues. Only then will he be able to offer solutions that will be positive.

Negotiations and reaching a working compromise. The desire to achieve a working compromise is a very important quality for you, the head of the department responsible for training activities. Sometimes there is a need to find a way out of the current situation that would suit all parties involved in it. The department responsible for training activities often acts as an intermediary between several parties: senior managers, trade unions, line managers and ordinary employees.

Finding simple ways out of difficult situations. Assertiveness helps us in the process of searching and finding simple ways out of difficult situations. It is not always easy to come to a consensus on the size of the budget for training activities, to clearly determine the future path of development of training activities in your organization, to convince managers of the importance of their role in the process of planning training activities, and also to manage them. This is why the ability to act assertively in difficult situations is a very useful skill.

Confident people have a huge influence on others. They achieve success faster. They are energetic, less dependent on circumstances, and prefer to shape them themselves. Confident people always have a huge influence on others.

Only calm confidence can create a zone of attraction that people always unmistakably identify. Confident people achieve success faster than others. They are energetic, less dependent on circumstances, because they prefer to shape them themselves. The dynamite of doubt is needed to explode the prejudices of the past. And the cement of confidence in order to build the building of our future.

Lack of confidence deprives a person of inner strength, weakens him life positions. The weak rarely succeed because they are constantly tormented by doubts.

Insecure people are unable to analyze difficult situation, are unable to make responsible decisions. They are not perceived as serious business partners. Their distinguishing feature is constant dissatisfaction with life; they are rarely left in a bad mood. They do not know such a thing as fortitude.

Confidence is a state of mind. "...And according to faith it will be rewarded to you."

The less culture people have, the less they are able to think and act, the faster they lose their heads. It is no coincidence that all sustainable cultures place such importance on establishing confidence.

Confident people always act as leaders—active, proactive, and capable of taking risks. Insecure people tend to play the role of victim.

As you know, everything is learned by comparison. To fully understand what confidence is, you must first understand what uncertainty is. Let's note the main points.

Uncertainty:

* lethargy, weakness throughout the body, pallor;

* stiffness of movements, unnatural gestures, “closed” poses;

* speech is inexpressive, there are no clear formulations;

* hostile perception of the world, excessive touchiness, tearfulness;

*feeling own inferiority, awkwardness, guilt;

* feeling of loss of control over the situation.

Confidence:

* lightness throughout the body;

* feeling of inner strength;

* ease of gestures and poses, gracefulness of movements;

* positive perception of the world;

* emotional coloring and imagery of speech;

* feeling of self-worth, pride;

* feeling of complete control over the situation.

Assertiveness represents a kind of “golden mean” between passivity and aggressiveness - two obviously losing strategies. A passive person is unable to convey his opinions and feelings to others; he sits with his hands folded and waits for the incident to be resolved. Obviously, such passivity leads to a loss of control over the situation.

On the contrary, the aggressor “rushes” at the problem as if it were an embrasure and is inclined to demand everything for himself at once, without taking into account at all the interests of those around him or the other party when it comes to a conflict. Aggressive behavior can sometimes even be unpleasant to observe, let alone experience: people prone to this strategy can be rude, overly straightforward, and assertive.

A variant of “passive-aggressive” behavior is also common. They say about this “there are devils in still waters.” People prone to this like to “accumulate grievances” and make plans for revenge on the sly. Passive aggression manifests itself through refusal to fulfill requests, inaction, or open sabotage. In any case, all three strategies are not productive and “lose” to assertive behavior.

CONCLUSIONS FOR CHAPTER 1

1) The development of methodological foundations of training presupposes the need to clarify the general and individual in different forms training, as well as drawing boundaries between training itself and other methods that can be defined as methods of intentional change.

2) Adolescence is a special period of mental development, during which significant qualitative changes occur, necessitating a restructuring of the entire system of relationships with others and leading to the emergence of a new level of development of self-awareness.

3) There is a typology according to which various training programs are divided depending on the appeal to the specific problems of the individual, the goals that are set for the group.

4) Assertiveness as a method of communication is the optimal way of interaction.

I had a difficult childhood. Until I was 5 years old, I thought my name was... SHUT UP... (Joke)

According to statistics, only 34% of people are extremely insecure.
Approximately 58% of people experience situational uncertainty, feeling doubt, hesitation, and confusion hour after hour.

And only 8% of people in the world really know what they want and how to achieve it.

It just so happens that we constantly evaluate the life events that happen to us. From these assessments our beliefs are formed, which guide our behavior. And this is an absolutely natural reaction of our psyche, inherent in nature. Even in the animal kingdom, confident behavior often wins over large sizes, demonstrating superiority and strength.

Charles Darwin argued that confident behavior disarms an opponent, instilling doubt, fear or even panic in him. As a result, more confident individuals receive more material benefits, and therefore become more viable. The famous scientist and psychologist Alfred Adler believed that at the heart of a person’s life struggle is a feeling of inferiority and disadvantage that is common to everyone.

This is the central core of uncertainty. Confident human behavior begins in childhood, thanks to proper education parents.

Adler believed that a small and helpless child inevitably considers himself inferior when comparing himself to adults. The child does not have enough experience to form correct presentation About Me. Therefore, when evaluating himself, the child is guided by the opinions and reactions of adults.

In addition to confidence, psychologists distinguish such feelings and character traits associated with it as self-confidence, self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth.

Self-confident behavior

Self-confidence manifests itself at a certain age and helps a person determine the boundaries of personal capabilities.

Self-confident behavior in the long term can only harm a person’s ability to adequately assert himself in society. Since self-confidence is the recognition of the absence of one’s shortcomings and exaggeration of one’s own capabilities.

A self-confident person often takes unjustified risks and takes on tasks that are beyond his strength.

A self-confident person lives as if he wants to prove to himself that he is a confident person who can do everything and even more. But in fact, the basis of self-confidence, of course, lies in a deep sense of insecurity that a person developed in childhood.

With the help of his self-confidence, a person compensates for his past failures or low self-esteem, and sometimes self-confident behavior acts as a means of protection against the feeling of vulnerability.

Self-esteem and self-confidence

Self-esteem is the most vulnerable and protected personal category. This is a constant process of comparing and evaluating yourself and your actions with your inner ideal.

If a person overestimates or underestimates his personal abilities, then the person's decisions and actions will not be successful. And as a result, such failure reduces self-esteem and self-confidence. By realistically assessing our abilities and capabilities, we thereby increase the likelihood of success. And only accumulating successful experience we create a state of stable self-confidence.

Confident behavior requires constant confirmation and success. In addition to successful performance results, a person’s confident behavior depends on a number of other important factors.

Factors of confident behavior are:

• Health, attractiveness, proper nutrition, physical pleasures, recognition from others, inner strength and physical endurance.

• The feeling of love and care, the feeling of attention from loved ones and friends, spending time together increases self-confidence.

• Positive thoughts about the future, inner freedom, dreams, spirituality and fortitude, personal growth, beliefs and faith, religious principles give self-confidence no less than money and recognition.

By devoting your time and attention to a specific area of ​​activity, as a result we receive reliable supports that add energy to confident behavior, the desire to live and move on.

The highest level of assertive behavior is self-worth

Unlike confidence or self-esteem, self-worth does not need proof.

Self-worth is a person’s position, not a feeling.

The position of a person who recognizes his importance. And such important areas of life as family or connection with parents, friendship, favorite activity, nature, motherhood or fatherhood, etc. provide him with significance and well-being.

Self-worth is a stable sense of self-worth, regardless of any negative circumstances that happen to a person.

" Diffidence

© H. Rudiger, S. Wittmann

What does "self-confidence" mean?

If you feel insecure in the company of other people, then you have probably already wondered about the reason for this insecurity. The thought has probably also occurred to you that you have had this feeling for a long time. Perhaps you are one of those people who, as a child, were more timid and shy than those around you. Perhaps you already noticed then that you admire self-confident children and adults and want to be just like them. That is, those who do not allow others to take away a tasty morsel from themselves, do not allow themselves to be intimidated, and can say “no” without hesitation if they do not agree with something. Why can't you decide to do this? Only you can answer this question yourself. Perhaps you are less decisive than others. Perhaps in childhood you experienced some event, after which you developed fears, and now they do not leave you. Perhaps these are the consequences of many failures that you were simply forced to accept. But since all this is already in the past, and now you can’t fix anything, you shouldn’t even think about it.

After such unfortunate situations, a feeling of uncertainty arises that must be overcome once and for all. You can try to succeed yourself. In fact, whether you can cope with this problem or not depends only on you. If you succeed, then each time you will be able to say “yes” or “no” more and more boldly, depending on what you want. However, be patient. You need to change behavior. As a rule, this is not so simple because the person becomes accustomed to certain ways of behaving and it is not easy for him to start behaving differently. In order to change your behavior, you will have to work hard on yourself, and, of course, it will take you some time.

How confident are you?

If you do decide to try to change your behavior, then first we recommend that you independently assess how confident you currently are. To do this, we invite you to answer the test questions presented below.

Read the statements and decide how much you agree with them. Below is a scale with answers from 0 to 100. “0” means that you completely disagree with the given statement, “100” - that you can completely agree with it. Try not to think too long. If possible, make decisions spontaneously and honestly with yourself. Cross out the number that corresponds to the degree of your agreement with this or that statement.

Now add up all the points. Now think about what score you would like to achieve (but do not set too high demands on yourself: anyone who answers the test questions honestly will never achieve a score less than 100 points). Later you will be able to check whether you have already achieved your goal, or whether you need to work on yourself further. Then you will see how much more confident and courageous you have become. At the same time, you can be glad that by that time you have gained a lot of experience.

“Self-confidence” or “arrogance”?

We talk about self-confidence all the time. But what is it? Before we answer this question, we would like to draw your attention to a very important note.

Acting confidently does not mean acting unceremoniously.

It is often overlooked. If in some situation one person makes a legitimate demand and insists that it be fulfilled, then his behavior will be effective only if it actually helps him achieve his goal. Namely: it will help achieve compliance with the requirement. That is, reasonable behavior in such a situation will be correct.

If we are talking exclusively about an objective requirement, then when presenting it, one should behave accordingly.

What does it mean to “behave appropriately”?

In such a situation, you should not be aggressive. It is simply not appropriate and will not bring any benefit to the cause. This may cause the other person to feel depressed and do whatever I ask. But perhaps my aggressiveness will cause resistance on his part. And this, in turn, will reduce the likelihood that he will still comply with my demand. In any case, aggressive behavior will only ruin my relationship with this person.

But this in no way means that aggressive behavior should be fundamentally abandoned, far from it. Each person can behave in the way he considers right and appropriate in a given situation, provided that he respects the other person's right to physical and moral integrity. But you should always predict the consequences of your actions. If, for example, a friend took a book from me and, despite repeated reminders, still has not returned it, then I can firmly and clearly repeat my demand. Most likely, I won't lend him anything else. I may also scold, insult, or even threaten him. Perhaps in this way I will get the book back, but in doing so I will greatly ruin my relationship with him.

What is the difference between confident, insecure and aggressive behavior?

The ability to maintain satisfactory relationships with people around us primarily depends on how confidently, but not aggressively, we can formulate our rights and demands. It is necessary to clearly distinguish between aggressive and confident behavior in order to always understand the consequences of your actions.

It's probably not that difficult to assess a person's level of confidence. A confident person can be distinguished from an insecure person by different signs: by posture and posture, manner of speaking, volume of voice, by whether he looks into the eyes of the interlocutor, by the unambiguity of statements and much more. For example, if a person demands something from me and at the same time looks into my eyes, if he calmly, accurately and definitely tells me his desire, request and still stands or sits straight, then he gives the impression of a confident person. If he is afraid of eye contact, lowers his shoulders and draws his neck, and speaks so quietly and confusingly that I can hardly understand what he actually wants, then he comes across as an insecure person. Sometimes for such an assessment it is enough to pay attention to how a person knocks on the door, how he enters a room or sits on a chair.

Thus, by observing certain external signs action, it can be assessed whether it is aggressive, confident or uncertain. Such signs are voice, body language (that is, gestures and facial expressions), form and content of what is said.

Self-confidence - by what signs can it be determined?

A person who behaves confidently speaks loudly, clearly and clearly. He unambiguously formulates his demands and desires, justifies them accurately, expresses his feelings and emotions and uses the word “I” for this. The body of his body is relaxed. Facial expressions and gestures confirm what he says.

Uncertainty criteria

An insecure person, on the contrary, speaks quietly and hesitantly. His wording is imprecise and vague. He gives detailed and unnecessary explanations. Instead of directly expressing his emotions and expressing his demands, he hints at them indirectly and often uses impersonal sentences. He often hides or does not voice his own demands.

Insecure behavior also manifests itself in posture and posture. The person behaves unnaturally, avoids eye contact; Gestures and facial expressions are practically absent.

What signs indicate that a person is aggressive?

If a person reacts aggressively in a certain situation, he usually shouts or raises his voice, or his voice becomes dangerously quiet. There is a threat and insult in his words. He does not give any explanation or justification for his demands and wishes, does not compromise and ignores the rights of another person. However, he does not control his gestures. Such a person either does not make eye contact at all or, on the contrary, looks intently into the eyes of his interlocutor.

Consequences of these three behaviors

Of course, these behaviors have very different effects on the people with whom one comes into contact. Consequently, confident, insecure and aggressive behavior can be distinguished by the consequences that they entail. Thus, actions and statements can be assessed using the following questions: “How will the other person feel now?”, “How will he behave in the future?”

For example, if one person behaves insecurely, the other will feel superior. He will not consider it necessary to fulfill demands that the interlocutor formulates hesitantly and imprecisely.

If one person, on the contrary, behaves arrogantly and aggressively, then the other will feel offended and insulted. There is a high probability that the offended person will defend himself aggressively in the same way, that out of “stubbornness” he will not do what is required of him. It may also happen that a person listens silently, without offering resistance, but will experience internal antipathy towards the aggressive interlocutor.

If a person acts confidently, then there is a high probability that his requirements and wishes will be taken into account. Such a person shows that he is able to interact with his interlocutor on equal terms.

The following table shows some of the listed signs of confident, insecure, and aggressive behavior. If you observe your friends, acquaintances or colleagues and at the same time determine which person behaves confidently, which one is insecure and which one is aggressive, then you will probably notice other signs with which you can supplement this list.

Based on materials from the book by H. Rudiger, S. Wittmann« Social competence» . - Kharkov, 2005