Very often we behave like a faulty faucet in the bathroom - we either spray a stream of boiling water with steam, or let it flow in a cold stream when we should be pretending to have an ordinary, uncomplicated, warm, pleasant shower...
But this is difficult for us. We either behave like “imported hacks” or are embarrassed to express ourselves like Akaki Akakievich... This is difficult not only for us. In order to learn to be a confident person, people visit special trainings assertiveness. What kind of people visit them? Yes, those who want (or who actually need to) be leaders. A leader is a self-confident person. He is never rude and does not arouse justified hatred towards himself. And at the same time, he does not humiliate himself like Akaki Akakievich. He is never afraid to call the crew of his “ship” to order and insist on his own. And at the same time, he does not make ugly scenes.
He learned to stick to the golden mean. Without slipping into the extremes of 1) passive (in other words, insecure) and 2) aggressive behavior, he remains a confident person.
Achieving this is as difficult as learning to walk on a tightrope. It is worth understanding that this style of social interaction is actually learned. People are not born with it... So if you have never learned this, then where will you get such skills? We are all, to one degree or another, either aggressive or passively insecure.
But you can learn this. And without even attending any assertiveness training. In this article you will read how to learn to be a leader.
First, let's learn to distinguish aggressive behavior from confident behavior. And also, confident behavior from insecure behavior (yes, this can be mixed up!)
He is fighting for his personal rights! Attention, now I will list everything that relates to personal human rights.
So what is a “confident person”? Attention once again: this is a person who puts forward and implements his own goals, claims, interests.
Are you saying that this is an egoist? Well, of course, we were raised that way... Think about it, who benefits from having a society consisting entirely of confident people? This benefits no one. That's why they are not brought up - in batches. Only at closed trainings for leaders - after all, someone needs to lead large groups of workers?.. Nobody needs anarchy. Therefore, some of them are trained as leaders - as an exception.
And we will reveal these secrets to everyone. Everyone to whom necessary re-educate yourself. Everyone to whom this is - given.
Psychologists have compiled a clear list of those qualities by which a confident person is recognized. Here they are:
Frequent use pronouns " I" (instead of "we"). This is read as the fact that you are ready to be responsible for your words and deeds...
- Ability to speak " No»,
- Ability to start and (most importantly) END the conversation,
- Honest expression of one’s own opinion, even if it goes against the general one,
- Coincidence between verbal and non-verbal behavior (what you say in words and what your face and body “say” must match)
- Open expression of not only thoughts, but also your own feelings
(emotions),
- Spontaneity in behavior (both anger and self-doubt block genuine creative spontaneity).
Subtle point.
Confident behavior is when we openly talk about the desired behavior of our partner, BUT! Without hostility and malice.
Aggressive behavior is when we seek to punish or humiliate another by making comments about their behavior.
What does a person with insecure behavior do in such cases?
And he acts on the sly, INDIRECTLY. He also wants to achieve his goal, but always with the help of manipulation, intrigue, complex multi-steps - and at the same time he most often remains a fool, or spends too much effort on achieving a trifling result.
Psychologists call this a wonderful term, attention: LEARNED HELPLESSNESS.
When someone (or we ourselves) imposes the idea that we can’t do this, and this, and this, and we can’t do this either.
Once female education gave all the young ladies precisely LEARNED HELPLESSNESS as a dowry. Therefore, they never acted directly, but always plotted until they were accused of cunning as a trait inherent in their sex in general. But it’s just a collective psychological trauma that requires individual psychological correction...
Many national diasporas living for years surrounded by strangers and experiencing some oppression, with their mother’s milk they again absorbed LEARNED HELPLESSNESS.
And therefore they, too, never acted directly, until the national majorities cohabiting side by side with them began to accuse them of cunning as a national trait. But it’s just a collective psychological trauma that requires individual psychological correction.
Insecure people suffer from the fact that they do not know how to
Express,
- nor control your anger.
Therefore, they lose spontaneity - the main resource of a creative person.
At the same time, insecure people may well behave VERY arrogantly. The fact is that the so-called “superiority complex” is often a cover for an “inferiority complex.”
Do you remember seventeen-year-old D'Artagnan, as Dumas described him?
D. Artagnan was a terribly insecure provincial teenager, riding to Paris on a shameful horse...
As Dumas writes: “He took every glance as a challenge, every smile as an insult.”
From the outside, he would not seem like an insecure person to you. However, arrogance is always a sign of advanced self-doubt.
Remember! Uncertainty, confidence and aggressiveness are immediately manifested in our: facial expressions,
The saddest thing is that no one needs to be a psychologist in order to clearly identify us as a person within five seconds of meeting them:
A degraded homeless person, a dog, a horse, a person with two years of education, a ninety-year-old grandmother who has never left her native village can make this psychological alignment in her head in five seconds.
No one calls what you felt with clever psychological words, but you will be immediately weighed and... found light. God forbid...
You can hide your gaze behind dark glasses,
- destroy facial expressions with uniform chewing movements of the jaws, putting them in the mouth chewing gum and without letting her out of there,
- Minimize gestures, always keep your hands in your pockets, and learn to walk to the rhythm of music from the player,
- hide your posture under loose clothing, a hoodie,
- destroy the intonation of speech by adopting a vague, drawn-out manner of speaking. Pricey.
Here. Before us is a portrait of an ABSOLUTELY UNCONFIDENT PERSON.
But when life pulls us out of our hoodie, takes away our player and forces us to enter the world of adults, then all our helplessness is revealed. Without armor, we don't know how to look like a potential leader. Many of us don't know how...
Let's look at what of our behavior reveals that we belong to one type or another.
Remember how clothes and accessories help hide our insecurities? But as soon as we remain naked or are given other clothes, all our protection collapses. This means you need to work with the body, not with clothes. Body-oriented therapy can help here. And what replaces it is swimming, any dancing you enjoy, fencing, equestrianism, oriental martial arts.
You need to teach your body to be confident - without dark glasses, without chewing gum, without a vulgar pose “from the area” - hands in your trousers.
Intentional and frequent use of the word “I”
- free expression and demonstration of one’s emotions,
- deliberately exposing oneself to frightening social situations and training confident behavior in them
- improvisation instead of clear planning. (Don’t need these: “I’ll tell him this, And he’ll tell me that. And I’ll answer him...”)
Why be a leader? So some readers will ask me... But really, why? Not everyone wants to boss people around; some are interested in being alone or with a couple of friends. Not all are “Timurs”... Not everyone desperately needs a “team”...
There was an error...
A leader is not necessarily the one with whom the “yard dog” goes.
This is not necessarily a mother hen, always surrounded by her brood.
A leader may well be a lonely person. But after looking at him in the first five seconds, any stranger (with any level intellectual development) will immediately understand that this person is capable, if necessary, of taking responsibility for others, organizing these “others” and planning, for example, rescue. Or at least not ruin the planned picnic.
And people are always drawn to such people. They say about such people: “I respect you.”
Well, what should we do with aggressive people? With those who think to themselves that they are demonstrating “confident behavior” to others?
You and I don’t need to do anything with such people. Aggressiveness can be cured by itself - with the harsh lessons of Nature and Society...
Elena Nazarenko
Traditionally, in personality psychology, there are 3 types of behavior: insecure, aggressive and confident (assertive).
Uncertain behavior– refusal own desires in order to help someone, constantly ignoring one's needs.
Aggressive behavior– these are attempts to dominate or achieve one’s goal to the detriment of other people; satisfaction of one’s needs occurs at the expense of others.
Assertive (confident) behavior– expression of oneself and satisfaction of one’s own needs (or most of them), spiritual comfort and a friendly attitude towards others. At the same time, achieving one’s goals occurs without harming others.
When working with this problem, it is very important to find those features of a person’s behavior that distinguish his insecure behavior, which has already become habitual, from assertive behavior. And focus on developing the skills of true self-confidence.
What is the essence of this behavior? Term "assertiveness" comes from English assert, which translated means “to win your rights,” while maintaining a polite tone in communication. To be assertive means to remain confident and calm in a difficult and conflict situation, it means to be persistent and able to insist on one’s own. This skill is the most important element when conducting any negotiations, resolving conflicts, when defending one’s own personal boundaries. This is a person’s ability to defend his point of view and achieve what he needs, to achieve satisfaction of his needs, while maintaining respect for himself and his partner, without violating the boundaries of the other’s personality. And he does it confidently, openly and purposefully.
Needless to say, such an interlocutor can cause a storm of indignation among many, ignite a spark of envy, and, at the same time, become an object of imitation among others. And his strong-willed qualities are not always encouraged among friends and acquaintances, but, nevertheless, he still continues to persistently lead own line behavior. This person will often use phrases such as “that's what I think,” “I believe,” or “I'm confident in what I'm saying, but if you disagree, I'll listen to your opinion and maybe we can come to a compromise.”
Assertive behavior fundamentally different from aggressive or passive behavior. And if, for example, at work there are conflict situations, a confident employee is unlikely to allow himself to show a surge of negative emotions or insult his opponent, be it the boss or the cleaning lady. He will defend his opinion based on arguments, facts and logic. And he will not back down until his point of view is not only taken into account, but also, at least partially, shared in the dispute process. After all, the clarity and directness of his own statements are his main weapon in any discussion. This behavior cannot be called cold-blooded or calculating, but rather confident and strong-willed. Unlike conflictual or, conversely, soft-hearted and passive people, assertive people openly talk about their dissatisfaction and do not carry the burden of negative emotions, while knowing how not to get personal. And what is very important is that they do not feel a drop of guilt, anxiety or shyness for their behavior. Assertive behavior does not arise on its own, it is formed in the process of education. It can also be acquired or strengthened throughout life, developing skills of self-confidence and self-confidence.
Nowadays, a huge number of trainings are being conducted to develop confident behavior, but it must be remembered that during the training only behavioral skills are developed without their in-depth study. And since the basis of any insecure behavior is some kind of fear, increased anxiety, and maybe even a basic distrust of the world, it is therefore obvious that to effectively solve this problem, the most effective would be a combination of practicing the necessary behavioral skills with a deeper individual psychological study of the personality . In this case, individual psychological work is carried out using techniques Gestalt therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, NLP, symboldrama, existential therapy .
The development of confident behavior skills fundamentally involves:
ALWAYS REMEMBER:
COOL PERSONALITY = CONFIDENT BEHAVIOR + LOTS OF AGGRESSION
STRONG PERSONALITY = CONFIDENT BEHAVIOR + LOTS OF SUPPORT FOR OTHERS
Lesson 9.
Topic: Confident behavior
Goal: to gain experience of confident behavior in simulated communication situations, to introduce the signs of confident and uncertain behavior.
Game "Eye Contact"
Everyone stands in a circle and tries to meet someone’s gaze; When two succeed, they change places.
Exercise “Confidence, uncertainty”
Now we will throw a ball to each other and at the same time say associations associated with the word “confidence” (calmness, strength...) And now we will feel a state of self-confidence: we walk with a confident gait, sit confidently on a chair, look at each other confidently, shake confidently neighbor's hand.
Discussion.
Then the psychologist suggests feeling the insecure behavior.
Discussion.
Lecture material by a psychologist.
Confident behavior depends on a person’s inner position. Signs of confident behavior (I am good, you are good), a person has three needs: understanding, respect, acceptance. Only by satisfying these needs will we come into contact with a person, and they are satisfied with confident behavior. Confident man:
· Uses “I am a statement”;
·Applies empathic listening;
· Able to talk about his desires;
· Reflects feelings;
· Knows how to ask;
· Able to refuse;
· Able to accept refusal;
· Speaks directly and openly;
· Prone to compromises, offers them himself.
Signs of insecure behavior (I am bad, you are good):
· The person looks at the floor;
· Cannot defend his position;
· The first “no” leads to his refusal to further attempts to achieve his goal;
· Doesn't know how to ask;
· Cannot refuse;
· It is difficult for him to convince his interlocutor by giving arguments;
· Answers in monosyllables “yes”, “no”;
· Doesn't sit down when talking;
· Hides legs under chair;
· Keeps a long distance from the interlocutor;
· Wrinkles his hands, speaks quietly.
Exercise "No"
Divide into pairs, one has any object in his hands, the second’s task is to beg for the object by any means. The first player’s task is not to give up the item, while clearly and confidently saying “no.” Change roles. Discussion. Was it easy to ask? Was it easy to refuse?
Practicing skills of confident behavior.
The psychologist proposes situations, they are played out by those who wish and then analyzed by the whole group.
If teenagers offer their own situation that is relevant to them, you can analyze it.
1. You and your friend are going to the cinema, meet him at the entrance, and then it turns out that he forgot his tickets.
Play this situation taking into account the following characteristics:
· You are not very confident in yourself, and your friend, the life of any company, is a little selfish;
· You are a leader, a friend - timid and shy.
The discussion depends on how the situation plays out. Are teenagers satisfied with the proposed solution, what feelings do the heroes of the situation experience?
2. The girl has been waiting for the boy for forty minutes, he appears very upset.
3. your friend borrowed your textbook. Tomorrow is the test, and the textbook is needed. You call a friend and ask to urgently return the textbook. The friend replies that he will bring it now, an hour passes - there is no friend. Your actions.
Exercise "Symbol"
The teenager is asked to draw a symbolic image of “Belief in oneself” on sheets of paper. Then, if desired, they talk about their symbols.
Exercise "Piggy Bank"
The psychologist talks about how a person feels confident, relying on internal (mental abilities, spiritual qualities, skills) or external (family, friends, nature, hobbies) sources of strength. Together with teenagers, their “piggy bank” is collected - these are the qualities, abilities, achievements that can help a person realize his confidence.
Exercise "My Resources"
Teenagers are given cards with positive statements, the guys mark those that suit them:
I can do it.
I always think one thing little effort- and there will be a result.
I'm skilled enough to do the job well.
I can change as I see fit.
I have the right to speak out loud about my opinion.
My opinion may differ from others.
I feel valuable and unique.
I understand that I am capable of a lot.
I am aware of the richness of my inner world.
Reflection
Ritual of farewell.
The main feature of an insecure person is that social activities people who are insecure tend to avoid any form of personal expression as much as possible. Any form of presentation of personal opinions, achievements, desires and needs is either extremely unpleasant for them (due to feelings of fear, shame, guilt associated with self-expression), or impossible (due to the lack of appropriate skills), or does not make sense within the framework of their system of values and ideas .
Most detailed in modern psychology the “behavioral” basis of self-confidence has been explored. The cause of self-doubt may be a lack of behavior patterns that should ensure full mastery of social reality, rigidity and inadaptability. small quantity behavioral alternatives. An adult must have: the ability to speak openly about his desires and requirements; the ability to say "No"; the ability to talk openly about your positive and negative feelings; ability to establish contacts, start and end conversations.
The presence of these skills is a necessary, but not yet sufficient prerequisite for self-confidence. Analyzing the characteristics of self-confident behavior, psychologists were faced with the problem of determining the fine line between confidence and aggressiveness.
Some, like Volpe, saw no difference between them at all. Moreover, training in assertive and aggressive self-affirmation was practiced as a method of correcting uncertainty. Others (such as A. Lange and P. Jakubowski) believed that confidence is a cross between aggressiveness and uncertainty, something that has clear differences from both. Still others argued that aggressiveness and uncertainty are essentially two various forms manifestations of lack of confidence, in which energy unrealized in external interaction, caused by the actualization of certain needs, is transferred either inside the body itself and leads to auto-destruction (most often to neuroticism), or turns against others and leads to unjustified aggressiveness. But most authors believe that aggressiveness and uncertainty represent two different properties personality. This is confirmed, in particular, by very low correlations on the scales of aggression and self-confidence.
A high degree of confidence and aggressiveness can coincide if, through aggressive actions, a person easily and reliably achieves the fulfillment of his needs and does not see any negative side effects. In this case, aggressiveness should be understood as another, along with confidence, individual personality trait. Likewise, insecurity and aggression can coexist if someone's behavioral repertoire includes only aggressive behavior. Even if aggressiveness does not bring anything, a person continues to behave aggressively whenever, overcoming uncertainty, he nevertheless decides to do something. But most often, self-confident people are extremely rarely aggressive, since other, non-aggressive actions are quite sufficient for a life that suits them.
There are also obvious and easy-to-observe behavioral characteristics that distinguish confident people.
Let us name only the most clear differences between confident, insecure and aggressive behavior. Confident people speak loudly and clearly, but never resort to shouting, often look into the eyes of their interlocutor, but do not “drill their eyes into the interlocutor’s eyes,” and always maintain the optimal communication distance, without approaching the interlocutor closely. Confident people know how to pause in a conversation, rarely interrupt their partners, and are able to express their thoughts clearly and clearly.
In words (in the verbal plane), self-confident people openly talk about their feelings, desires and claims, accompanying them with a brief and clear justification, often use the pronoun I, and are not afraid of expressing personal opinions. Insults, reproaches, and accusations are rarely heard from self-confident people. They express all claims to others on their own behalf (6).
1. Emotionality of speech, which corresponds to the open, spontaneous and genuine expression in speech of all experienced feelings. A confident person “calls his feelings by their proper names” and does not force his conversation partner(s) to guess what exactly the feeling is behind his words. He does not seek to hide or “soften” the manifestations of his positive and negative feelings.
2. Clear expression of feelings in the nonverbal plane and correspondence between words and nonverbal behavior.
3. The ability to resist and attack, manifested in direct and honest expression of one’s own opinion, without regard to others, is also characteristic of confident behavior.
4. A self-confident person does not seek to hide behind vague formulations. Self-confident people use the pronoun “I” more often than other people.
5. They are not characterized by self-deprecation and underestimation of their strengths and qualities; they are able to listen to praise addressed to them without hesitation.
6. The ability to improvise, i.e. to spontaneous expression of feelings and needs is also characteristic of self-confident people.
Causes of insecure behavior.
There are several complementary explanations for the causes of self-doubt. The simplest explanation comes from Albert Bandura's theory of “learning from models.” According to this theory, a new repertoire of aggressive, confident or uncertain behavior skills arises as a result of imitation - the child copying those behavioral stereotypes that he has the opportunity to observe around him. Parents, relatives, and friends serve as “models” for copying (11).
Another, no less popular explanation of uncertainty can be considered the theory of “learned helplessness” by Martin Seligman. He suggested that the formation of a child’s personality is influenced not only by “models” used for copying, but also by the reaction of parents, and more broadly, by the entire surrounding social environment. This feedback allows (or does not allow) the child to relate different stereotypes social behavior with different reactions from the social environment.
The feeling of helplessness arises when external events occur completely independently of our voluntary actions (objective conditions of helplessness), or if it seems to us that they occur independently of us (subjective conditions).
Further, another explanation for uncertainty may be the absence or lack of faith in the effectiveness of one's own actions. Low self-efficacy arises as a result of massive negative assessments from loved ones and teachers, which subsequently change into negative self-assessments of one’s own intentions and capabilities.
From the above explanations of the causes of uncertainty, it does not in any way follow that self-confidence is inherent, so to speak, from birth. A child is born with certain inclinations and abilities, perhaps with some physical or mental disabilities. These inclinations, abilities and shortcomings make the task of socialization easier or more difficult, but do not directly and directly determine the formation of the level of self-confidence.
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