Highly a large number of people turn to our website with a request to help them survive death loved one. This is probably one of the most terrible events that a person has to face. I propose to discuss this topic at this round table. How to cope? How to survive?
There is such a concept in the Christian idea and church vocabulary - humility. What is the highest meaning of leaving a person before you? What is the point of being left alone with your own grief? Sometimes this happens if we don’t understand something, we haven’t learned something yet, we still have to do something. Our soul needs this experience for further development. In any case, it is worth trying to see in life what you were given such a difficult stage for. Nothing happens senselessly, and in such a situation it is better to use your spiritual strength to search for what you have not yet completed, what you have not understood, what you have not had time to do and must definitely fulfill in this world.
If you really loved the departed person, then understand that no matter how painful it is, you can’t think only about yourself in this situation. After all, someone thought about him when he made the decision to take him to another world, and there were reasons for that. Surely weighty. People often ask me: what if I don't believe in God? Then I will answer differently, although the essence of this does not change. God, nature, our subconscious are essentially the same thing. Christ said, "The kingdom of God is within you." And this is the soul of a person, the deep layer of his subconscious, in the language of psychology. And the departure of a person from this world is not someone else's decision. This decision, first of all, the person himself - most often unconscious. But adopted in harmony with the soul, nature, God - whatever, that is, a certain universal decision from the point of view of metaphysics.
Many researchers of the human psyche and the whole branch of psychology and philosophy - thanatology - say unequivocally that death is never accidental. Not “stupid”, not “absurd”, but justified and prepared by the whole life of a person. And a person leaves when, from the point of view of the highest meaning, he can and is ready.
These thoughts can lead you to accept grief, because death is something that we can no longer change. But "to accept" does not mean "to stop worrying". These things must go hand in hand.
Experiencing is allowing your emotions to be as they are. And do not suppress your tears, screams, no matter how it may seem to you and others "ugly". If someone is afraid to be in such a state next to you - this is their choice, do not demand more from them than they can give. But you can definitely allow YOURSELF any manifestations that do not threaten your safety. And if you wish, you can always find someone/those who will understand your feelings and be able to be with you in a similar state, supporting you. In particular, there is also professional help for this.
In addition to acceptance and experience, there is another aspect: often people are haunted by guilt, it seems to them that they are somehow responsible, they could "foresee" or "guess and do something." In fact, this feeling is directly connected in a person with distrust of the world and the desire to control everything around. The stronger this desire, the stronger the feeling of guilt. A person, scrolling through his head endless options "what he could do if", in fact, struggles with his sense of helplessness associated with the fact that he could not control this part of the world process - the life of a loved one. I could not and never will be able to in the future, we must also try to accept this. Then the guilt will subside. Part of the fault is to some extent a normal manifestation of grief, if it does not become chronic.
But the more independent and open the relationship of people before the death of one of them, the less risk that the guilt will become chronic. Therefore, it is important to rethink, path and against the backdrop of grief, your relationship with the deceased. Were they too dependent? Or free? Were they sincere? If you have made any mistakes in relation to the deceased - try to comprehend them again and try to forgive yourself. After all, in that situation you could not do otherwise. And such mistakes could not be the main cause of his death - you should not interpret them that way.
Unfortunately, such a large topic cannot be covered in one round table. Apparently, everyone needs to find their own way of accepting, experiencing and trusting the world. The important thing is that after the death of a loved one, we will no longer be the same, but what we will become - this should be decided by everyone for themselves. And, I think, the departed person will at least not be worse if, having gone through the experience of grief, we become better, find some other answers to questions in our life, meanings, turn to some new resources in ourselves.
I want to appeal to the family, friends and relatives of a person who is especially deeply and acutely experiencing the loss..
Support, but do not pull your loved one out of this difficult experience of grief. The entire period of residence lasts for everyone in different ways - from two months to two years. The habits are the same. Initially, this is the shock phase: protest, denial, intense anger (“This cannot be!”)
at the next stage of reacting: despair and impotence are replaced by anger, rage and indignation ("Why is this happening to me!?")
Grief is gradually lived through (everyone has a different pace!) And the third phase begins - withdrawal, during which there is a release, separation from grief, from loss, dissociation ... A difficult event gradually remains in the past.
And finally, the return to a new life!!
Just be there, talk, take an interest in the state, well-being, if you feel, understand that you cannot cope on your own, that a person close to you cannot cope on his own and you do not have enough strength and knowledge how to support him - send, advise him to contact professionals who work in this area of psychological counseling.
I propose to go directly to practical help.
What I bring to your attention now is worth reading to the end, answering your own questions, completing tasks and not being distracted. Find a secluded, quiet place, warn others (so that they do not disturb or worry about you), turn off the communicators.
One IMPORTANT CONDITION - read this consultation not earlier than 2 months after the death of a loved one! These two months belong only to your feelings, and only you yourself, with the support of loved ones, can properly say goodbye to the departed.
If, after the expiration of the specified period, continue to feel guilt, the severity of the loss, do not stop asking yourself the question "Why did this happen ?!", think about this...
“Memory is a wonderful thing, but you need to remember in such a way that you and the departed feel good.” All religions say that you need to bury a person’s body and release his soul.
Often we cannot accept the very fact of the burial of a loved one. All the events of those days endlessly return, break us, and it is impossible to come to terms with what happened.
Leave now all the fuss of the funeral process, the sympathetic participation of others, financial difficulties and all other everyday tasks... Now let's imagine how you would like to see off and bury your loved one, if everything depended only on you and was possible...
- Think about what place you would choose for burial. It can be an ordinary cemetery, an open hill, a cliff above the ocean, a birch grove or a lonely grave in an open meadow ... Describe the surrounding landscape in detail: trees, flowers, seasons, color of clouds, sounds ... Where would he be calmer?
Where would you come to pay tribute to memory, bring flowers, sit silently or stand with your head bowed and remember the deceased alive ...
- Remember how he was doing ordinary things, talking with you, talking, sitting in his usual place ...
- Right now (mentally or aloud) you can say everything that you feel towards him and his departure ...
How does he look at you?
- What does he answer?
All the living bear some responsibility towards the dead.
- Think, What can you do here on earth to please him? Tell yourself more about it...
- Tell him that you take responsibility for those things that remain on earth, on yourself ...
- And now, when you took responsibility, what would you like to send him there? Maybe - your love, devotion, gratitude, memory ...
Raise your eyes, look into the distance and send it to him there.
- Illuminate his path with a white, soft, kind light. Pray and shine on him.
When you shine on him, you can understand, feel that the farther he moves away, the closer he becomes to you. As God, there is no one further, and in fact he is the closest.
Shine on him! You can send your love, devotion to him whenever you want. That's how it is now.
You can send your light to him there. And as soon as you feel warmth in your chest, you will understand that the light has reached him.
And now you can send your love and light there, and, feeling warm in your chest, understand that the light has reached him.
Take your time, feel the real warmth as long as you want, time doesn't matter...
Yes, the death of a loved one is the most terrible event. Someone may disagree with me, but everyone has their own opinion ...
A person endures this in his own way, to the best of his strength, mental and physical, depending on the degree of love for the deceased person, on how the person himself relates to the concept of “death”, on what kind of death it was, unexpected or after a long illness, on many factors ... About the stages of mourning - I will not repeat what my colleagues have already said.
After the death of a loved one, we feel sorry for... myself. I am overwhelmed with sadness about how I can live without a mom or dad (as an example), who will give advice or a recipe for pies, with whom to talk and argue about the political situation in the country, who will call you “baby”, despite your age “far over 40 ”, who will just pat you on the back, supporting you in any endeavors, and no one will call you early in the morning on your birthday ... Somehow at a meeting of classmates, one already adult woman, talking about what happened over the many years that we had not seen each other, she said: “And I am an orphan!” It was not clear to me, but when I lost my mother, and a year later, my father, I realized what this meant at the level of my feelings, sensations. It's not easy. But life goes on! That's what my dad said.
It is important to accept the death of a person. This is his destiny. She took the man as much as it should be. And it's not for us to judge, lament, get angry - everyone has their own life and their own death. We are not omnipotent to change the course of life. No one has stayed in this world forever. Life and death are inseparable.
It’s not worth blaming yourself for saying a loved one once rudely or not calling once again, was not there at the time of death, hid the “couple” in mathematics and mom was upset - it’s not worth it. This will not help, will not alleviate the fate of the deceased! Often, unconsciously (the collective conscience works), a person seeks to die instead of a loved one, goes into illness, trying to quickly leave for this person. It will not help the person who has died. Our love for them, parents, relatives and friends, friends and children may not manifest itself in such a sacrificial form - it is important to just remember them, commemorate them, do something that would please them (did not have time to go to Karelia or India, for example, so go there!), tell about the dead, give their image place in your heart! Vysotsky sang about "... A good religion was invented by the Indians, that we, having given up the ends, do not die for good." Yes, we believe or we do not believe, but it is possible that this is so. For example, when I work with a client about the death of relatives, I say that this person becomes their guardian angel! And everyone agrees!
If a newborn child dies, or an abortion is performed, or a miscarriage occurs, this is also death, and it is important to grieve, accept it. Pretending that nothing special happened, closing our hearts, freezing - we will not benefit those who will be born later. It is important to give this little man a place in the tribal system.
There is no need to judge a person who, for example, at a funeral, or in the first moments, days, months after the tragedy, does not shed a drop of tears - this is such a reaction, not everyone can cry. Someone wants someone to be around in these mournful days, someone, on the contrary, needs to be alone ... Someone cannot touch a cold body or kiss goodbye - accept it without judgment. Everyone grieves, worries - in his own way, with his own speed, intensity, as he can, as he allows himself.
And we, who are left to live, will live as long as we are destined and in memory of the deceased we will do a lot of good!
Visiting a psychologist is always useful, people themselves often cannot cope with their grief.
Today we will talk about the death of loved ones, about how to survive it.
We are all mortal. Everyone around us will one day die, just like us. As the saying goes, no one has yet come out of life alive.
However, it often happens that those whom we love leave for the Other World without asking us, without saying goodbye, without taking us with them, without asking how those who loved them will stay here. Such death is unpredictable: no one knows the hour and day it will leave, and each of us can leave at any moment.
This article, perhaps, will be subjective and written through my experience. If you search the Internet for the answer to the question "how to survive the death of a loved one" - there will be a ton of articles of the same type about different stages grief, about how to survive it, based on a certain template. Most rewrite other texts. Tips on how to get out of depression are divided into religious (like “believe, go to church”), pragmatic (“let go, go to work”) and stupid, about nothing.
Psychologists monotonously, using coaching methods, without instructing, without teaching, push the person talking to them to turn over the page of the past as soon as possible, along with the crosses in the cemetery and once loved ones lying under them, and the psychologist would stick a star on his chest for completed task. And we became harder and stronger and more cynical, finally learning to step over our own and others' pain.
As long as we are alive and full of strength, we cannot believe in death. It often seems that death is an illusion, it does not exist. And no life plans, no happiness, no self-confidence, no flight of success can be interrupted by such an absurdity as death. Death is not about us.
However, she, this death, as if with a scythe, stands over everyone and measures the time, and for sure, better than us, she knows to whom and how much is measured. No matter what anyone says (and, for example, pathologists pretend that they get used to death, like forensic scientists, doctors), that you can get used to death - you can’t.
You can never accept that only (or recently, in case of a serious illness) a healthy, young, beautiful person lived, and now he is gone, his lively eyes, voice, laughter, tears ... This cannot become the norm - as some reassure themselves. Death is always against nature, the opposite of life. Even according to the biblical version - death, like a curse, appeared only as a result of sin, initially people were immortal.
As Freud and his followers said, different types people who perceive death differently, both their own and those of their loved ones. And there are such types of people who accept someone else's death more easily than others, they see in death deliverance from the mortal world, from suffering, from pain, peace, they react more or less evenly to the death of loved ones. And there are types of people who, with their suffering for the deceased, will bring themselves to a heart attack, stroke, sleep on his grave, cry for years, go crazy in the literal and figurative sense. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle...
A friend of mine literally lost three close people in just a couple of months. I can't imagine how, in her situation, one could say that death is a relief for the departed, it's easy to let go ... A quick calm behavior would be crazy than sobs and depression.
The death of young people and especially the death of a child for a mother is a grief that you will not cross and will not forget, and how to survive his advice is difficult to give ... It is extremely unfair - to bury those who did not have time to live, who were born, so that, it turns out, just die ...
Of course, the pain of loss depends on the degree of kinship, closeness with the deceased. Thousands of people die every day in the world, and only the death of loved ones really touches us.
In some catastrophes, when people die, very often psychologists try to support the relatives of the victims. According to the reviews of those who went through such support: I wanted the psychologist to just pour tea, sit next to me, give handkerchiefs for tears and ... .. was silent ... when everyone started pestering “let's talk about your grief, open up, don't accumulate in yourself, speak up, you will become easier” — I wanted to give on the forehead.
Different, of course, there are psychologists, but it happens that they do their job like robots, otherwise burnout will occur. And now he doesn’t care about the one whom people have lost, and everything is covered in the eyes of relatives - they have lost the most dear thing in this world, and no one will understand them, and from this relative there was a pectoral cross, and yesterday it was a man, a child . For others, this is one of the thousand dead, a grain of sand in the sea, but for those who mourn, it is part of them, the dearest and dearest person who will never become alive, their universe has lost its meaning ...
But the main thing: yes, a thousand times you tell everyone about your grief, and even if someone cries nearby, this will not return those whom these people loved. They leave these psychologists for a world where there is no longer the closest and dearest person and no one will heal this wound. And it’s better to let them roar for a couple of days, yell at everyone and everything with the questions “why? why he, she? where is God?? why did he let this happen?? etc.
Naturally, psychologists are needed, with emergency situations especially, but with severe grief, they can not always help.
There are several stages of grief, even according to well-known information and the same articles from the Internet. The first ones, the shock ones, the most difficult ones…
However, ahead of important point articles, I will say - the main healer is only time. Perhaps there are people with other experiences. But no matter what anyone says - with regard to the death of loved ones - only time heals ...
And then, after a while, it seems that everything was easier than it really was. And when you meet with the grief of others, you understand that it was not easier, it was just a long time ago.
When a loved one dies, the pain of loss cannot be drowned out by anything, at least tell someone, do anything, it will not return the one whom the person loved.
There is shock from the news, then denial (that is, doubt about the news, suspicions that this is not true or some kind of sinister mistake), there is resentment and even anger at the deceased for leaving the one who loves him alone, the desire to leave after him , to have a close connection with him, to contact him, to hear his voice, to find out some unsaid moments. Self-accusations, resentment against oneself, a feeling that one is to blame for something before the deceased, that one is to blame for his death are possible.
There may be searches for the causes of death (or even blaming others for death) and long reflections through sobs about how they could have been prevented.
Tears, tantrums, which, it seems, do not bring any relief, experiences of the most severe of pains - mental, and no matter what pills you drink - you will not drown it out. There is even a desire to go back a day or two in order to change events and not let a loved one die, a desire to fall asleep and that all this was a dream, but in reality everyone was alive again.
There is a stage of devastation, when it is already clear that there was no mistake, that a loved one really died, that no anger, indignation, resentment and protest will return anyone, it is impossible to contact the deceased, and that a person is left alone with his grief and this needs to be learned accept. Emptiness sets in, silence, darkness... Conversations with the grave and visiting the church, prayers for the deceased help in part.
For someone, the acceptance of death stretches for years, for someone for a couple of weeks, months. Someone else for years almost every day goes to the grave, puts candles, commemorates loved ones in the church, and someone a year later no longer corrects the cross ... the latter does not always mean indifference to the death of a loved one - sometimes you just want to let go in spite of everything, but constant visits to the cemetery reopen the wound again and again.
We are told “it’s not bad for the one who left, he doesn’t care anymore, but it’s bad for those who stay and cry for the departed”, or: “people are extremely selfish, tormenting themselves and the soul of the deceased with exorbitant sobs, reproaches instead of letting go ".
As for the latter, they can also add phrases like “when you sob strongly for the deceased, you hold his soul on earth, or between heaven and earth, preventing him from leaving, and his soul also sheds tears, because it feels that it is being held, not lets go." After all, between the deceased and those who remained on earth, if they were in close relationship, and after death there is a close relationship, and if the living is indignant, weeps for the deceased - the soul of the deceased is not calm, rushes about, wants to return back, and the body is dead, and the soul hangs in suffering.
Regarding the first phrase, that it’s bad not for the one who left, but for the one who stayed - we can’t be robots that turn off the buttons of suffering for the dead once or twice, we don’t have the function of deleting memory, analgesia of feelings. The strongest of pains is mental, one of the strongest among heartache- the pain of losing a loved one. It is impossible to take it and stop feeling it, it is not subject to the will. It can be sublimated, pacified, rationalized over time, but not neutralized, not turned off.
And about the convictions of all those who advise that the soul of the deceased feels bad from our sobs - NO ONE KNOWS RELIABLY WHAT THE SOUL OF THE DEAD IS AND what she experiences after death. Therefore, all the arguments about the groaning of the soul of the departed due to the excessive sobbing of relatives are thought out by those who calm the latter.
However, despite the fact that there are religions that say that after death it is pointless to pray for a person, it is right and useful to pray for him, no matter what anyone says (only it is wrong to look for connections with the world of the dead through psychics), since this is the most effective help that can be help the soul of the deceased and yourself.
Unfortunately, death is a reality, everyday, every second, omnipresent. Some of our acquaintances, friends, relatives have gone to the Other World, someone else will leave, no matter how we close ourselves off from reality, but we will not prevent this. It may be wrong to say that you need to learn to accept it, but ... you need to learn to accept it ...
It’s better to cry enough, as they say, the gel state needs to be worked out, a lot of internal heaviness goes away with tears, go to church, pray for 40 days for the soul and (and after 40 days) go to the grave. Fencing off grief, a person accumulates pain in himself ... It needs to be experienced. Do not get stuck in it, do not kill yourself, namely survive. You can kill yourself in sobs, screaming, hysteria for the first days, but after accepting the fact of death, feelings calm down. And a person can artificially introduce himself into a state of hysteria, hopelessness after the death of the one he loved, he can put himself into this trap.
I cried and that's enough, you can't help grief with tears, they say. You need to be able to stop at some point ... Nobody knows why a little man is given trials in the form of the death of loved ones, but it is worth living on, and your own life.
When feelings calm down, the fact of death and its inevitability, completeness is accepted. When you realize that you will never return anything. And that very last day, when you saw a deceased loved one still alive, and he, laughing, said "see you tomorrow!" really the last for him ... And it so happens that people leave forever, with a smile, without even saying goodbye, remaining in their memory with fragments of unsaid words, with an absurdly ended conversation.
When the fact of death is accepted, you can calmly think about what this person gave us, who he was in our life and what is worth remembering about him forever, what moments need to be honored.
Remain memory, photos and instructions.
Once, my close relative, who later died, gave advice during his lifetime, unobtrusive, wise, which I did not always accept and understand. And when he died, I regretted that I had not listened in time. As a sign of his memory, I fulfill part of the instructions in life and always carry his bright image inside.
Some of my friends who buried the elderly generation later recalled with sadness the habits of deceased relatives, kept cooking recipes in a secret place. Sometimes children were treated according to the recommendations of grandmothers, which today no one will give.
Memory is all we have left of a person. A person can live 80 years and only a bag of things remains from him, a couple of photos. Still a person remains in descendants and his works.
Grief is the inner experience of loss and the thoughts and feelings associated with it. Specialist in social psychiatry Erich Lindemann devoted a whole work to such an emotional state, calling it "acute grief."
Psychologist lists 6 signs or symptoms of acute grief:
1. Physical suffering - constant sighing, complaints of loss of strength and exhaustion, lack of appetite;
2. Change of consciousness - a slight feeling of unreality, a feeling of an increase in the emotional distance that separates the grieving from other people, absorption in the image of the deceased;
3. Guilt - search in the events preceding the death of a loved one, evidence that he did not do everything he could for the deceased; blaming oneself for inattention, exaggerating the significance of one's slightest missteps;
4. Hostile reactions - loss of warmth in relations with people, irritation, anger and even aggression against them, the desire that they do not disturb;
5. Loss of behavior patterns - haste, restlessness, aimless movements, constant search for some activity and inability to organize it, loss of interest in anything;
6. The appearance in the grieving features of the deceased, especially the symptoms of his last illness or behavior - this symptom is already on the border of a pathological response.
The experience of grief is individual, but at the same time, it has its own phases. Of course, the duration and their sequence may vary.
"Can't be!" - this is the first reaction to the news of the death of a loved one. The characteristic state can last from a few seconds to several weeks, averaging 9 days. A person experiences a feeling of unreality of what is happening, mental numbness, insensitivity, physiological and behavioral disorders. If the loss is too overwhelming or sudden, the resulting shock and denial of what happened sometimes take on paradoxical forms that make others doubt the person’s mental health. This does not mean insanity, just the human psyche is not able to withstand the blow and for some time seeks to isolate itself from the terrible reality, creating an illusory world. At this stage, the mourner can look for the deceased in the crowd, talk to him, “hear” his steps, put an extra one on the table. cutlery... Things and the room of the deceased can be kept intact in case of "return".
What and how can you help a person in the shock phase?
Talking and comforting him is completely useless. He still does not hear you, and to all attempts to console him, he will only say that he feels good. At such moments, it would be good to be constantly nearby, not leaving a person alone for a second, not letting him out of the field of attention, so as not to miss an acute reactive state. In this case, it is not necessary to talk to him, you can just silently be there.
Sometimes tactile contacts alone are enough to bring a person out of a severe shock. Movements such as stroking the head are especially good. At this moment, many people feel small, defenseless, they want to cry, as they cried in childhood. If you managed to cause tears, then the person moves on to the next phase.
It is necessary to call a person any strong feelings– they are able to bring him out of shock. Obviously, it is not easy to awaken a state of great joy, but anger is also suitable here.
They can last from several days to 2-3 weeks. After the fact of loss begins to be recognized, the absence of a loved one is felt more and more acutely. The grief-stricken person replays the circumstances of his death and the events that preceded it over and over again in his mind. The more he thinks about it, the more questions he has. It is difficult for a person to come to terms with the loss. He tries to comprehend what happened, to find the reasons for it, asking himself a lot of different “why”: “Why exactly him?”, “Why (for what) such a misfortune fell on us?”, “Why didn’t you keep him at home?”, “ Why didn't you insist on going to the hospital?”... Anger and accusation can be directed at fate, God, people. The reaction of anger can also be directed at the deceased himself: for leaving and becoming the cause of suffering; for not writing a will; left behind a bunch of problems, including material ones; for making a mistake and not being able to escape death. All these negative emotions quite natural for a person experiencing grief. It's just a reaction to their own helplessness in this situation.
A person suffering from remorse over the fact that he was unfair to the deceased or did not prevent his death, can convince himself that if only it were possible to turn back time and return everything back, then he would certainly behave in the same way. to another. At the same time, it can be repeatedly played in the imagination, as if everything were then. Loss sufferers often torture themselves with numerous “ifs”, sometimes becoming obsessive: “If I only knew ...”, “If I only stayed ...” This is also a very common reaction to loss. We can say that here acceptance is struggling with denial. Almost everyone who has lost a loved one, in one form or another, feels guilty before the deceased for not preventing his departure; for not doing something for the deceased: not caring enough, appreciating, helping, not talking about his love, not asking for forgiveness, etc.
Duration from 4 to 7 weeks. The fact that in the sequence of stages of grief suffering is in fourth place does not mean that at first it is not there, and then it suddenly appears. It's about that at a certain stage suffering reaches its peak and overshadows all other experiences. This is a period of maximum mental pain, which sometimes seems unbearable. The death of a loved one leaves a deep wound in the heart of a person and causes severe torment, felt even on physical level. The suffering that a person experiences is not permanent, but usually comes in waves. Tears can come at any recollection of the deceased, about the past life together and the circumstances of his death. Feelings of loneliness, abandonment and self-pity can also become a reason for tears. At the same time, longing for the deceased does not necessarily manifest itself in crying, suffering can be driven deep inside and find expression in depression. Even though suffering can sometimes become unbearable, mourners may cling to it (usually unconsciously) as an opportunity to keep in touch with the deceased and testify their love for him. The internal logic in this case is something like this: to stop grieving means to calm down, to calm down means to forget, to forget means to betray.
What can be done to ease the suffering of the grieving?
If during the first phase one should constantly be with the grieving person, then here one can and should allow the person to be alone if he wants to. But if he has a desire to talk, you must always be at his disposal, listen and support.
If a person cries, it is not at all necessary to console him. What is "comfort"? This is an attempt to make him not cry. We have unconditioned reflex on other people's tears: seeing them, we are ready to do everything so that a person calms down and stops crying. And tears provide an opportunity for the strongest emotional discharge.
You can unobtrusively involve a person in socially useful activities: puzzle him with work, start loading him with household chores. This gives him the opportunity to escape from the main experiences.
And, of course, a person needs to constantly demonstrate that you understand his loss, but treat him as ordinary person without doing him any favours.
It can last from 40 days to 1-15 years. No matter how hard and long the grief, in the end, as a rule, a person comes to an emotional acceptance of the loss, which is accompanied by a weakening or transformation of the soul connection with the deceased. At the same time, the connection of times is restored: if before that the grieving person lived mostly in the past and did not want (was not ready) to accept the changes that had taken place in his life, now he is gradually regaining the ability to fully live in the reality around him and look to the future with hope. A person restores social ties lost for a while and makes new ones. Returning interest in significant species activities, new points of application of their strengths and abilities open up. Having accepted life without a deceased loved one, a person gains the ability to plan his own further fate already without him. This is how life is reorganized.
Basic help on the this stage is to contribute to this appeal to the future, to help build all kinds of plans.
How the process of experiencing the loss will proceed, how intense and long the sadness will be, depends on many factors.
The significance of the deceased and the features of the relationship with him. This is one of the most significant moments that determine the nature of grief. The closer the person who passed away was and the more complicated, confusing, conflicting the relationship with him was, the harder the loss is experienced. The abundance and importance of something not done for the deceased and, as a result, the incompleteness of relations with him especially exacerbate mental anguish.
circumstances of death. A stronger blow, as a rule, is caused by an unexpected, severe (painful, prolonged) and / or violent death.
The age of the deceased. The death of an elderly person is usually perceived as a more or less natural, logical event. Conversely, it can be more difficult to come to terms with the death of a young person or child.
Loss experience. Past deaths of loved ones are connected by invisible threads with each new loss. However, the nature of their influence in the present depends on how the person dealt with it in the past.
personality traits grieving. Each person is unique, and his individuality, of course, manifests itself in grief. Of the many psychological qualities, it is worth highlighting how a person relates to death. It depends on his reaction to the loss. As writes J. Rainwater, "the main thing that prolongs grief is the very tenacious illusion inherent in people of guaranteed reliability of existence."
Social connections. The presence of people nearby who are ready to hold and share grief greatly facilitates the experience of loss.
Often, relatives in their desire to support only make things worse. So what you should not say in communication with grieving people:
Untimely statements that do not take into account the current circumstances or the psychological state of the bereaved.
Inappropriate statements generated by a misunderstanding of grief or a desire to drown it out: “Well, you are still young, and”, “Don't cry - she / he would not like it”, etc.
Projective statements that transfer one's own ideas, feelings or desires onto another person. Among the different kinds of projections, two stand out in particular:
a) a projection of one's experience, for example, in the words: "Your feelings are so clear to me." In fact, any loss is individual, and no one can fully understand the suffering and severity of the loss of the Other.
c) projection of their desires - when sympathizers say: "You need to get on with your life, you need to go out more often, you need to end mourning" - they are simply expressing their own needs.
In addition, the most frequently used cliches should be singled out separately, which, as it seems to others, alleviate the suffering of the grieving, but in fact prevent him from properly experiencing grief: “You should have dealt with this by now”, “You need to occupy yourself with something”, "Time heals all wounds", "Be strong", "You should not give vent to tears." All these verbal attitudes drive grief underground.
However, there is general patterns the human psyche in coping with the loss. So, one can distinguish next steps combustion process:
1. Negation;
2. Aggression;
3. "Agreement with God";
4. Depression;
5. Adoption.
On the stage denial we don't want to believe what happened. We speak of the dead as if they were alive. We do not use the past tense, we say: “he is such a person”, instead of “he was ...”. We make plans for the future or think about the present, habitually including the deceased in the familiar picture of the world. For example, we continue to buy products that he/she liked.
Difficulties at this stage arise when there is no way to verify the fact of death. When a person goes missing or dies as a result of a catastrophe, fire or the crash of an aircraft or ship, when the body remains not found or difficult to identify. It is very difficult for loved ones to give up the hope that their loved one miraculously survived and escaped, and the remains found belong to someone else. Instead of losing, a waiting process may be included.
Until a person goes through all these stages, the experience of the death of a loved one cannot be completed. At the same time, their living in the norm can be both sequential, when one stage smoothly replaces another, and parallel-sequential, when there are signs of two or more stages at the same time.
For example, a person angry that life treated him so unfairly, he is suing doctors, then falls into despair, and at the same time leads mental dialogues with yourself“but if I did or didn’t do this ... then he would be alive”: he came early, forced him to go to the doctors earlier, noticed that he was depressed and was going to commit suicide, took his words more seriously, did not hold if there were pills in the house, I wouldn’t let him go on this trip, etc. AT this case we can talk about parallel flow stages of aggression, depression and "agreement with God".
And although each of us will need different amount time to cope with the loss and adapt to life without a person dear to us, due to the fact that someone survives losses more easily, someone needs more internal strength and time. However, there is a concept of the norm when living the loss and deviations from it.
Pathological is considered "stuck" at one of the stages. For example, when in a family for years they talk about the deceased as if they were alive, they keep his things, leave his room untouched. Or they refuse to openly name what happened, keep a secret, or come up with a disappearance story that is designed to “protect from feelings” and maintain the illusion that nothing happened.
So, for example, children are told that dad went on a business trip or mom left. And then the child begins to fantasize - to think out what happened, based on the pieces of information he saw and heard. Maybe blame yourself for what happened: "It happened because I misbehaved." Or he may begin to be very afraid of losing the remaining relatives.
For example, if a child knew that before “disappearing”, the grandmother was sick and was in the hospital, and then the grandfather was also “sick and lying” ... You can imagine what the reaction will be to the news of the mother’s illness or, even worse, to her hospitalization? Even if it is a banal SARS or a routine examination.
Very important at first find at least one person or people with whom you can share the experience of grief and loss. Talk to them about who this person was for you, what will never happen again, what will change in your life due to his death. After all, we lose not only a specific person (family member) and those pleasant moments that connected us with him, but also ideas about our own future, our dreams, expectations, and often material well-being and status.
Unsatisfied, at least in the present and near future, will remain the needs that were satisfied in contact with this person. This is the need for communication, love, acceptance, understanding, support; and shared common interests, hobbies, and possibly working together, and caring for children or relatives.
It is very important that the person with whom you will discuss this understands you and accepts your feelings. Just was there and did not devalue your feelings.
Very often, even the closest well-meaning relatives, wanting to “encourage us” and “bring us back to life,” in such situations say: “Don't worry! It gets even worse!”, “How did you live during the war?” or “One child died, but you have two more. Live for them! or “Husband died, but you have someone to take care of! Live for your children/grandchildren!”
Needless to say, such “consolation” does not help, rather, it even irritates and additionally hurts with the feeling that you are “one on one” with this grief and “no one understands you.”
It also happens that it is difficult for others to be with a grieving person, due to the fact that strong feelings and suffering are unbearable for them: they may not know how to behave, or the loss causes very strong painful experiences and memories in them.
And even if they are very worried about you, in fact they try to avoid communication with you. So, it turns out that a vacuum can form around exactly when you need participation and support most of all.
If you feel that you are alone in your grief, no one understands you or there are no such people with whom you can talk about it, you should contact a professional which will help you find the strength to live on, new meanings, adapt to a new life situation, cope with possible depression, accept a changed idea of \u200b\u200byouself (identity change), build a picture of the future and yourself in it, while not devaluing your experiences, helping to better understand yourself and providing the necessary acceptance and support.
1. Talk about the deceased with someone who knew him well and who can listen, support and understand you.
These can be close and distant relatives, friends, both yours and the one you are grieving for, neighbors who knew you and your relationship, church ministers.
2. Speak out your feelings.
If you were present at death or it was extremely negative and difficult for you to attend a funeral, communicate with doctors in the morgue, or any other event associated with death, also try to speak out.
Tell in detail about what happened: how did you find out where it happened, where you were at that moment, who reported or knows about what happened, how you felt at the moment when you learned and / or saw for the first time, how you feel now. It is believed that repeated or detailed pronunciation calms, relieves anxiety and gradually heals your emotional wound.
3. Write an "unsent letter" to someone you're grieving about.
Grab paper and a pen, because it's very important that you don't do this on the computer. Try to describe as fully as possible everything that you feel (how bitter, painful, lonely you are) and what he / she meant to you, what exactly you lack, what went away with him, and even, perhaps, how angry you are, that he/she left you.
It is believed that about the dead "either good or nothing." But often, when working with the process of mourning, I see that it is the concealment of real feelings, and they are rarely only good or only bad, because when we love, we experience the whole gamut of feelings for a person, and therefore it is appropriate to be honest first of all with ourselves yourself and name whatever you really experience.
And try not to blame yourself for it. Because it is the lack of expression of negative feelings that often enhances or increases the duration of mourning, and often leads to getting stuck on them and to pathological options for living grief, preventing the process from going on. naturally.
In an unsent letter, you can describe not only what you feel now, but also what is remembered in connection with this person: events, situations, feelings (joy or resentment, gratitude or anger). In it, you can ask for forgiveness or talk about your fears.
This letter can be written in several visits or when it becomes especially difficult.
4. Do the simplest ordinary things.
It brings back to life, distracts and soothes. Especially, washing dishes, cleaning, knitting, walking the dog.
5. Try not to be alone with your thoughts.
Grief is most difficult to experience alone.
6. Think about the future.
At first it will be very difficult, even almost impossible, to think about how you will live without the one who has died. But this is exactly what you will have to learn in the end. Live without. If you find it difficult to think about the future for yourself, try to mentally talk to the deceased and ask him what kind of life the one you have lost could wish for you?
7. Write what was valuable for you in this particular person.
What needs of yours were met in your relationship with him? What do you lose with his departure? And then, for each individual item, try to imagine where, with whom and how you can make up for this loss.
Again, at first, it will be very difficult. And some even believe that if they do this, they will thereby “betray a bright memory.” However, it is impossible to get peace of mind until all needs are met. Whether we like it or not, we are beginning to adapt to new conditions.
And the sooner we fill in the gaps, the sooner we can return to life. This does not mean forgetting a person dear to us. But this means helping yourself, and possibly those who are nearby (for example, children) to choose the path of creation, and not eternal suffering. Would the person you have lost be happy to know that you will spend the rest of your days in difficult experiences?
8. Take care of yourself.
Think about what calmed you as a child. Write a list of things that could calm you down right now. And try to do something from this list every day.
These can be the simplest things: warm shower, a good movie, communication with loved ones, drawing, reading, a warm blanket, relaxing massage, calm music, sleep, a walk.
