Question for a psychologist:
Margarita, good afternoon.
I have carefully read your message.
Based on what you wrote, I came to the conclusion that you have developed codependency towards your partner (D.). Codependency is an “unhealthy”, pathological, abnormal attachment to another person. Codependent relationships are characterized by the presence of a connection with another person to the detriment of oneself, i.e. a person is drawn to another person, although it is very difficult for them together, sometimes unbearable. Codependency manifests itself in the desire to control the life of another person.
Causes of codependent relationships.
1.Low self-esteem.
2. Dysfunctional family. Repressive relationships in the family. Family of alcoholics.
3. Lack of personal boundaries.
4. Dependence on the opinions of other people.
5. Problems in intimate life.
6. The position of the victim.
Signs of a codependent relationship.
1. The importance of the partner is higher than personal importance.
2. Loss of interest in your hobbies and interests.
3. Loss of interest in relationships with friends and loved ones.
4.You feel jealous towards your partner.
5.You are preoccupied with thoughts and worries about your partner’s problems.
6.You tolerate disrespectful treatment.
7.You feel like a victim of circumstances.
Now, let's talk about how to get rid of codependent relationships.
1.Take responsibility for what is happening.
Margarita, answer your questions honestly: Does your partner treat you with dignity? Who allowed such an attitude? Are you worthy of this kind of treatment? How do you feel from such an attitude towards yourself?
2. Assess the prospects of these relationships. What will (or did) such a connection lead to? What do you get from this relationship? Analyze how reliable your partner is. Think about the price you pay and could pay by continuing this relationship.
3. Once and for all, give up the idea of changing another person. A person can only change himself.
4.Make a decision to get rid of codependency. Margarita, this should only be your desire. Without it, advice, recommendations and any other help from psychologists will be in vain.
5. Work on your self-esteem. Increase your own importance. This is necessary for building subsequent healthy relationships. Without this, stories are usually repeated with other partners.
6. Learn to understand what you want from a relationship, what it should be.
7.Define your personal boundaries. And don't let them break them. And also learn to respect and not violate the personal boundaries of other people.
8.Get rid of the need to control other people's lives forever. Understand that we are not always able to control the events that happen to us. But we can take control of our reactions and emotions to certain events.
9. Learn to make your life bright and rich. There are enough ways to do this.
10. Communicate. Expand your circle of acquaintances. Let change into your life.
11. Don't blame yourself and others for mistakes. This is your experience. You need to draw conclusions and move on in life without dwelling on it.
12. Realize that you are a woman. Refuse any material support towards the man. A man should not lend money.
13. Break contact with this person once and for all. Realize that you are being taken advantage of and stop it. Only you can do this. Understand that he is comfortable communicating with you. When he needs it, he comes to you and takes advantage of you. Think: does he need you? If so, then for what? Does he care about your emotional state?
14. Learn to love yourself. Understand self-love is a fundamental feeling.
15. Realize your dreams and goals (preferably on paper). Determine ways to achieve them.
16. Learn to analyze your actions and motives.
17. Realize the fact that until you rid yourself of such relationships, your life will not change. Events will repeat and you will go in circles. Think about what you will end up with?
18. Say goodbye to being a victim.
19. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated and refuse manipulation on your part.
Margarita, I sincerely wish you to get rid of codependency. This is real and within your power. I wish you female happiness and harmony.
4.55 Rating 4.55 (10 Votes)
Today she kindly provided us with the article “Learn to Let People Go.”
Irina from the Belarusian city of Zhlobin. She is currently on leave to care for her little son and is about to go back to work. She majors in management and loves to work with documents or the computer. Interested in psychology English language, swimming, eats a healthy diet.
That's what she says. This is my first website and it will soon be 2 years old. It is devoted primarily to the most discussed topic - the relationship between a man and a woman. This topic worries, has worried and will worry all those who want to build, if not ideal, but at least close to ideal relationships, create a happy family and, most importantly, maintain warm feelings for each other until old age. Here you can find useful tips for all occasions. Today we are talking about how to learn to let people go.
There are different relationships and situations in life that you just need to let go of. It would seem like a fairly simple word, but in reality it turns out to be very difficult. And why do we need to learn to let go of people or some specific situation? Let's look at a few examples.
It is known that everyone’s relationships are different and, unfortunately, they can bring not only happiness and joy, but also disappointment and even pain. Relationships between a man and a woman can be bright, colorful, full of life and emotions, but they can become uninteresting and boring. They may contain jealousy, passion, resentment, anger, scandals, quarrels, love and hatred, pity and sympathy.
We dated for quite a long time with one young man, for five whole years. Some people, in such a period of time, not only manage to get married, get housing, but also give birth to a child and not even one, but two, or even three. What do we have? Nothing. Lots of promises, some fantastic plans that will probably never come true.
For five years we didn’t even really start living together. He’ll come running for a week, promise a bunch of things and go back to his parents, answer calls reluctantly, say that he’s busy, earn a lot of money for our fabulous future, then go on a business trip for two weeks. In general, there are always some reasons that prevent us from living a full life. It would seem, why do I need such a relationship?
But the most interesting thing is that as soon as I’m about to say that that’s it, we need to break up, he immediately comes, brings flowers, gifts, stays for a week or even more, promises that a little more and we’ll get married and I’ll get married again I believe him. And then everything repeats itself over and over again. It seems to me that maybe this time everything will finally work out. But, alas, he didn’t marry, but he didn’t let him go either, and I couldn’t let him go.
At one point, he did not return from his business trip, neither after a week, nor after two. And when he finally picked up the phone and said that he had left for another city and was going to get married: “I’m sorry it’s like this, it’s clear that it’s not our destiny to be together.” My eyes darkened and I didn’t hear his words anymore, I don’t remember how much I cried.
And it seemed like she decided to come to terms with it, forcing herself to think that it was better this way. But time passed, and I still couldn’t let him go. I am still alone and constantly think about how we would live together when we got married, what kind of husband he would be for me and what kind of children we would have. And why did this happen? My friends say that I should let him go. But how to do that? How to forget and start a new life?
Indeed, it is very difficult to let go of the hope of a future together with the person you love. And at least in the depths of your soul you understand that since a person has not done anything for a very long time, then nothing will happen.
By trying to get rid of feelings and memories, you only drag yourself further into the web of love. Try to let them be, you just need to choose a certain time for them, and spend all your free time doing your own thing, being distracted by anything. When we plan something and count on something, everything happens completely differently, our mind perceives it as an obstacle and therefore we begin to fight and resist, trying to return everything the way we would like.
Hence the memories that pop up, our mind grabs onto the last threads, hoping to bring something back. What if it does work out, maybe all is not lost, because we were so good together. When we not only allow, but force ourselves to think about this person, we even set a time, say from 20.00 to 21.00 I need to think about him. After some time, the opposite situation will begin to occur, because you yourself know how you perceive what needs to be done and what cannot be done. Only the forbidden fruit is sweet.
There is no need to force yourself to forget about a person, as your friends advise, that he no longer exists, he died for you, he no longer exists. Let him be, because in fact he exists, but not with you. Because by instilling in yourself something that doesn’t really exist, you end up in conflict with yourself, you force yourself to believe in something that actually doesn’t exist. Hence the resistance, your mind refuses to believe the lie. Since he is happy without you, become happy without him. Love yourself, because if you don’t love yourself, then no one else will love you.
If you are at a dead end and your efforts are leading nowhere and we don’t know what to do next. And you don’t need to do anything. Letting go of a situation means allowing problems to be resolved without our active intervention. Therefore, if you find yourself in a dead end, you just need to give it time to find a way out yourself.
Distract yourself with something, go to a barbecue, go to the theater, go with the flow, and you will find a way out on your own. After all, there are no coincidences in life, perhaps some call will turn your life upside down and everything will change in a way that you did not even suspect. Trade control for observation and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.
The most important thing to do is to understand the very reason why you can’t let go. Learn to let people go. Imagine how you release a balloon from your hands into the sky, it’s so easy. Having assessed the whole situation and gotten to the bottom of it, you can force yourself to finally open your eyes and believe that a failed relationship has no future together. There is a solution and a way out in any situation. You will also be able to easily let go and start a new life.
Perhaps, in some cases, you won’t be able to solve all the problems on your own and forget, then you should contact a specialist who will definitely help and teach you how to find a way out.
They say that real love will pass any test and even more - to know that love is real, your relationship must pass some kind of test. But you shouldn’t forget that your happiness is in your hands, only you can control it. Appreciate and respect, listen to each other, take steps towards each other, please and arrange small surprises for each other, bring something new into your relationship, make it diverse. Perhaps you will be able to keep your love for many years.
My dear readers! If you found this article useful, then share it with your friends by clicking on the social buttons. networks. It is also important for me to know your opinion about what I read, write about it in the comments. I will be very grateful to you.
With wishes for good health Taisiya Filippova
The existence of flows in the flow of options frees the mind from two overwhelming burdens: the need to rationally solve problems and constantly monitor the situation. Of course, provided that he allows himself to be freed. For the mind to allow this, it needs a more or less rational explanation. As you noticed, there is a lot of irrational stuff in this book that is not consistent with the position of common sense. And although the purpose of Transurfing is not to explain the structure of the world around us, one way or another I constantly have to justify all these conclusions that shock the mind.
The two mentioned burdens have been placed on the mind since childhood. We were constantly taught: “Think with your own head! Are you aware of what you are doing? Explain to me your action! Learn your lessons, only with your mind you can achieve something in life. Your stupid head! Are you going to think or not?” Educators and circumstances molded the mind into a “soldier”, ready at any moment to find an explanation, give an answer to the question posed, assess the situation, make a decision, and maintain control over what is happening. The mind is trained to act expediently from the point of view of common sense.
Just don’t think that I’m so presumptuous that I’m ready to completely dismiss common sense. On the contrary, common sense is minimally necessary set rules on how to behave in the world around us in order to survive. But the mistake of the mind is that it follows this code of rules literally and too straightforwardly. An obsession with common sense prevents the mind from looking around and seeing what does not agree with these rules.
And the discrepancies with common sense there are a lot of them in the world. This is confirmed by the inability of the mind to explain everything and protect a person from problems and troubles. There is a very simple way out of this situation: rely on flows for options. The rationale for this is also very simple: flows contain precisely what the mind is looking for - expediency. As you know, flows follow the path of least resistance. The mind strives to reason sensibly and logically, based on cause-and-effect relationships. But the imperfection of the mind does not allow it to accurately navigate the world around us and find the only correct solutions.
Nature is initially perfect, therefore there is more expediency and logic in flows than in the wisest reasoning. And no matter how convinced the mind is that it is thinking sensibly, it will still make mistakes. However, the mind will make mistakes in any case, but much less if it moderates its zeal and, if possible, allows problems to be resolved without its active intervention. This is called letting go of the situation. In other words, you need to loosen your grip, reduce control, not interfere with the flow, and give more freedom to the world around you.
You already know that putting pressure on the world is not only useless, but also harmful. By not agreeing with the flow, the mind creates excess potentials. Transurfing offers a completely different path. Firstly, we create obstacles ourselves, pumping up excess potentials. If you reduce the importance, the obstacles will disappear on their own. Secondly, if an obstacle cannot be overcome, you should not fight it, but simply bypass it. Guide signs will help with this.
The trouble with the mind is that it tends to perceive events that do not fit into its scenario as obstacles. The mind usually plans everything in advance, calculates it, and if then the unexpected happens, it begins to actively fight it in order to adjust the events to its scenario. As a result, the situation is getting even worse. Of course, the mind is not able to plan events perfectly. This is where we need to give more freedom to the flow. The current is not interested in breaking your destiny. This is again impractical. Fate is broken by the mind with its unreasonable actions.
Expediency, from the point of view of reason, is when everything goes according to the planned scenario. Anything that does not agree is perceived as an unwanted problem. But the problem must be solved, which the mind takes on with great zeal, giving rise to new problems. Thus, the mind itself piles up a lot of obstacles on its way.
Think for yourself: when are people happy, satisfied, satisfied with themselves? When everything goes according to plan. Any deviation from the script is perceived as failure. Inner importance does not allow the mind to accept the possibility of deviation. The mind thinks: “After all, I planned everything in advance, calculated it. I better know what is good for me and what is bad. I am reasonable." Life often gives people gifts that they accept reluctantly because they didn't plan for them. “This is not the toy I wanted!” The reality is that we rarely get exactly the toys we planned, so we all walk around so gloomy and dissatisfied. Now imagine how much more joyful life will be if the mind reduces its importance and recognizes the right to the existence of deviations in the scenario!
Everyone can regulate their own level of happiness. The lower bar for this level is very high for most people, so they do not consider themselves happy. I don't encourage you to be content with what you have. A dubious formula like “if you want to be happy, be happy” is not suitable for Transurfing. You will receive your toy, but we'll talk about that later. Now we're talking about about how to avoid troubles and reduce the number of problems.
It is the mind's reluctance to allow deviations in its script that prevents it from taking advantage of ready-made solutions in the flow of options. The manic tendency of the mind to keep everything under control turns life into a continuous struggle with the flow. How can he allow the current to run its course without obeying his will? This is where we come to the most main mistake mind. The mind strives to control not its movement with the flow, but the flow itself. This is one of the main reasons for all sorts of problems and troubles.
An expedient flow moving along the path of least resistance cannot generate problems and obstacles - they are generated by a stupid mind. Activate the Watcher and observe, at least for one day, how the mind tries to control the flow. They offer you something, but you refuse; they try to tell you something, but you brush it off. Someone expresses their point of view, and you argue, someone does it their own way - you guide him on the right path. They offer you a solution, but you object. You expect one thing, but get another and express dissatisfaction. Someone interferes and you become furious. Something goes against your script - and you rush into a frontal attack to direct the flow in the right direction. Maybe for you personally everything happens a little differently, but there is still some truth. Right?
Now try loosening the grip of your control and allowing more freedom to flow. I am not suggesting that you agree with everyone and accept everything. Just change your tactics: shift your center of gravity from control to observation. Strive to observe rather than control. Do not rush to dismiss, object, argue, prove your point, interfere, manage, criticize. Give the situation a chance to resolve without your active intervention or opposition. You will be, if not stunned, then certainly surprised. And a completely paradoxical thing will happen. By giving up control, you will gain even more control over the situation than you had before. An outside observer always has a greater advantage than a direct participant. That's why I keep saying: rent yourself out.
When you look back, you will see that your control went against the grain. The suggestions of others were not without merit. There was no point in arguing at all. Your intervention was unnecessary. What you saw as obstacles were not obstacles at all. Problems are already resolved safely without your knowledge. What you didn't get as planned isn't that bad. Randomly thrown phrases really have power. Your mental discomfort served as a warning. You didn’t waste any extra energy and were satisfied. This is the luxurious gift of flow to the mind that I spoke about at the beginning.
And, of course, in addition to everything that has been said, let’s remember about our “friends”. Pendulums prevent you from moving in accordance with the flow. At every step they provoke a person, forcing him to pound the water with his hands. The presence of a flow in a current does not suit pendulums for the simple reason that the flow itself goes in the direction of minimal energy consumption. The energy expended by a person to fight the flow goes to create excess potentials and feed pendulums. The only control worth paying attention to is control over the level of internal and external importance. Remember that it is the importance that prevents the mind from letting go of the situation.
In many cases, letting go of the situation is much more effective and useful than insisting on your own. People's desire for self-affirmation since childhood gives rise to the habit of proving their importance. This is where the tendency to prove one’s rightness comes from, which is harmful in all respects at any cost. This desire creates excess potential and conflicts with the interests of other people. Often people try to prove that they are right even in cases where the verdict in one direction or another does not directly affect their interests.
Some people have such an exaggerated sense of inner importance that they strive to insist on their own in every little detail. Inner importance develops into a mania to keep everything under control: “I will prove to everyone that I am right, no matter what the cost.” Bad habit. It makes life very difficult, first of all, for the defender of the truth himself.
If your interests do not suffer greatly from this, feel free to let go of the situation and give others the right to beat their hands in the water. If you do this consciously, your soul will immediately become easier, even easier than if you proved your point of view. You will be satisfied with the fact that you have risen to a higher level: you have not, as usual, defended your importance, but acted like a wise parent with foolish children.
Let's give another example. Excessive zeal at work is as harmful as carelessness. Let's say you got a prestigious job that you have long dreamed of. You present yourself high requirements, because you think that you are obliged to show yourself at your best. This is correct, but if you take on a task too zealously, you will most likely not be able to withstand the stress, especially if the task is complex. At best, your work will be ineffective, and at worst, you will have a nervous breakdown. You may even falsely believe that you are unable to do the job.
Another option is possible. You develop vigorous activity and thereby disrupt the established order of things. There seems to be a lot of room for improvement at work, and you are absolutely confident that you are doing the right thing. However, if your innovations entail a disruption in the usual way of life of your employees, do not expect anything good. This is the case when initiative is punishable. You have been placed in a slow, but calm and balanced current, and you are beating your hands on the water with all your might, trying to swim faster.
Well, now it turns out that you can’t say a word against it and you shouldn’t stick your neck out at all? Well, not quite that tough. We must approach this issue from a mercantile point of view. You can only be indignant and scold what directly bothers you, and only if your criticism can change something for the better. Never criticize something that has already happened and cannot be changed. Otherwise, the principle of going with the flow should not be applied literally, agreeing with everything and everyone, but only by shifting the center of gravity from control to observation. Observe more and do not rush to control. A sense of proportion will come to you on its own, you don’t have to worry about it.
Nothing spoils our mood more than problems! Especially if they are repeated or last for weeks, months, or even years.
We struggle to solve them, change jobs if the problems are related to work, get divorced if it is absolutely impossible to solve the problem in the family and... we step on the same rake.
We curse fate, say “the times are not right...”, accuse all men (or women) of various mortal sins, but the problems remain, or, when they go away, they return. Sounds familiar, doesn't it? In fact, problems are wonderful!
What do we call a problem? Any life difficulties that cannot be solved quickly or (in our opinion) cannot be solved at all. But, you see, without difficulties, life would be insipid and boring.
After all, if there are no problems, then there is no excitement, no delight of victory - and many other wonderful emotions that we experience after overcoming these very problems. By solving problems, we gain experience, become wiser and ultimately stronger.
If some problem is repeated in your life with enviable regularity, then it is worth thinking about why you attract exactly such situations into your life. This is a signal - it's time to change something about yourself.
Let's say you are “chronically unlucky with your bosses.” If you change your job, field of activity, city - or even country - the bosses are still, as they say, “no ice”.
Luck has nothing to do with it. Try to analyze your experience of “bad luck” - perhaps you are making unrealistic demands on people (your boss, your husband, or your neighbors). Perhaps you are overly categorical or have rigid attitudes about how others should act in order for you to be satisfied with everything. But it turns out that the situation does not suit you, and someone else must change. Believe me, as long as you think so, you will meet those who will destroy your belief.
Such beliefs are called idealizations and for comfortable life we need to get rid of them. Try to look at the problem through the eyes of your opponent, perhaps you will be able to understand him, and the problem will disappear by itself. I can say, including own experience- It is always easier to change your own views than to change another person, and especially several people.
Well, what if you are so immersed in the problem that all the above advice annoys you? If, no matter how hard you search, you cannot find a way out?
There is still a way out!
Firstly, we must admit that all annoying moments are most often a reflection of your suppressed emotions. Find them in yourself and try to “release them into the wild”, i.e. been through. Anger? Let there be anger. Resentment? And there is nothing wrong with resentment - these are just emotions, and they can be neither bad nor good.
I foresee the question - is it possible to be angry with own parents? They are supposed to be loved! Well, firstly, most likely you experience emotions not for the people themselves, but for some of their actions, and secondly, you cannot love anyone until you let go negative emotions in relation to them. You can only pretend that you love them. This is self-deception. However, if you feel so comfortable, you can continue to pretend, because feeling angry towards a person does not at all mean expressing aggression through action. But this is a topic for a separate article.
Secondly, there are a lot in various ways letting go of problems that help you “come unstuck” and look at the situation from the outside. And after looking, you will find a way to solve this problem.
So, ways to let go of the problem.
How to let go of a problem - the "balloon" method
Imagine that you have in your hands a balloon of any color in which you imagine your problem. You inflate this balloon, “blowing” this problem out of yourself. Inflate until you feel that the whole problem is already in the balloon. The ball can be any size, whatever you imagine your problem to be.
It is possible that when you inflate even an imaginary balloon, you will get tired - this is normal - after all, getting rid of problems, even figuratively, is serious inner work. After inflating the balloon, “tie” it. Look how big it is! Mentally thank yourself for getting rid of the situation that bothers you and let it go up. Watch how it flies away, becoming smaller and smaller, turns into a dot and completely disappears into the clouds or blue sky.
It is possible that you will have to do this exercise more than once before you feel relief - it all depends on how big your problem is and how attached you are to it.
How to let go of a problem - the "anger letter" method
Take a piece of paper and a pen and write a letter to your problem. If you think the problem lies with a specific person, write a letter to him. If this is a certain circumstance, for example, bad luck, then write a letter to Bad Luck. There is no need to be embarrassed, because no one will see your letter except you. Don’t be shy in expressing your emotions, and don’t be shy in your expressions either. Loan, put off the letter for a while, for example, half an hour or an hour, and do any other things. Then re-read the letter, tear it into small pieces and burn it. And flush the ashes down the toilet or scatter them in the wind, as you please.
For some reason it is also called “student” and is mostly suitable for momentary problems that arise unexpectedly. Take a piece of paper and write positive points arising in connection with your problem. Just don’t immediately shout indignantly that they are not there. I’ll give you a few examples - you were going out of town, but it started to rain, your mood spoiled, but in fact there was no need for it to spoil, since you now had time to do something that you didn’t get around to. For example, write letters, or sew a sundress, or hang a shelf, fix a faucet...
But you never know what you can’t get your hands on in the routine! Or on the way to the office you were doused by a car. Unpleasant? Of course, but now you can, with a clear conscience, delegate the meeting with an unpleasant customer to a colleague. Well, don’t communicate with a representative of a serious company with a stain on his suit or blouse! I think the principle is clear.
It is not suitable for everyone; it requires a certain type of character and the habit of analyzing situations and actions of oneself and those of others. Ask yourself a question - why do you need this situation? After all, if it happened to you, it means you need it for something, because nothing serious happens in our lives just like that.
Perhaps it’s time for you to change jobs, or should you go on vacation and your acute reaction to the event is just accumulated fatigue? Listen to yourself during these thoughts, and your subconscious will tell you the right option.
Just under no circumstances try to engage in self-accusation and self-flagellation and ask yourself the question not “for what?”, but precisely “for what?”. The first question implies that you are “punished” for something and will not bring you any closer to solving the problem, and the second question will help you take certain actions that, if they don’t immediately solve the problem, will certainly help you get distracted and “get unstuck” from it. And once you get unstuck, it’s easier to find a solution.
There is one more point. Ask yourself a question - and what you think is a problem is really a problem for you? Let me explain with an example - one of my friends for a long time believed that her problem was that she could not get married, until one day I asked her: “Are you sure that you really want this?” A friend thought for a moment, and then listed everything she wanted at the moment, and marriage was not on this list. It was her relatives who decided that it was “time” for her, and she, having accepted their point of view, accepted a problem that she actually did not have. The funny thing is that six months after she announced to everyone that she didn’t want to get married, we walked at her wedding!
Of course, these are not all methods - there are a great many of them. I have described only the simplest of them, which do not require special skills or specialist help. But if you start with something simple, you won’t even notice how problems will turn from your enemies into your helpers. And remember, it doesn't happen hopeless situations, there are exits that you don’t see or for some reason you don’t like.
Good luck solving your problems and good mood!
The article is devoted to a new approach to solving the problem of emotional dependence. The idea is that emotional addiction is determined by the feelings or parts of the subject's personality that are "invested" in the object of addiction. These feelings or parts of the personality can be brought back using emotional imagery therapy, which leads to immediate and complete liberation from addiction.
Examples of specific correctional work with various cases of emotional dependence using the specified method. The possibilities of expanding the method to many related areas of therapy are shown.
Emotional dependence is the loss of personal autonomy, or a sense of personal autonomy, for emotional reasons.
Moreover, the subject of this dependence:
1. Experiences suffering due to the inaccessibility of the object of his feelings, or due to the inability to change his behavior, or due to the inadequate power of the object over him;
2. Feels the impossibility of liberation from addiction;
3. The feeling that binds him has a chronic bad influence on life path, general well-being, decision-making and behavior of the subject.
There are quite a lot of options for emotional addictions. It could be love addiction from a specific person with whom the relationship has ceased or, on the contrary, cannot be terminated.
Perhaps this is a dependence on the very feeling of love (erotomania), so that the object of the feeling is not unique. This may be an addiction based on a sense of duty, when, for example, a woman is afraid to leave an alcoholic or drug addict, because he will “disappear” without her, and she will feel guilty.
This may be an addiction based on feelings of hatred or resentment, when the connection does not stop because these feelings do not find their resolution.
This may be dependence on the mother (or another person) with whom an emotional merger (confluence) occurred. In this case, the subject automatically experiences the same feelings as the object.
This may be a dependence based on a feeling of one’s own helplessness, when the subject feels complete subordination to another person. For example, a girl may feel that psychologically she is still in the womb and is afraid to face the real world.
This may be an emotional dependence on a person who has already died, to whom the subject was unable to say goodbye. This may be a dependence on the terrible or, conversely, wonderful past in which the subject still lives. It may be a dependence on the future in which the subject has invested his dreams and hopes. Etc.
A subject can suffer for many years from a feeling that makes him dependent, sometimes without even realizing it, sometimes resigning himself to it, and sometimes not wanting to part with it. Psychological assistance in these cases is aimed at ensuring that the client moves from a state of dependence to a state of independence, and in the future, if he wants, to a state of interdependence.
The last name seems to us not very successful, although it is accepted in the literature. One might think that now both individuals will become slaves to each other. But what is meant is that both will be free and, nevertheless, can feel the need for each other and can love each other without experiencing a constraining feeling of coercion and limitation of possibilities.
Liberation is always accompanied by a feeling of lightness and lack of restrictions, a calm and balanced reaction to the behavior of another person. It would be good, for example, if in the event of an unexpected breakup a young man could say in the words of a cheerful song: “If the bride leaves for someone else, then it is not known who is lucky.”
Unfortunately, sometimes they say with anger: “So don’t let anyone get you!” or “Did you pray before going to bed, Desdemona?” or with a depressive meaning: “My life is over.” Professional therapeutic help is often needed to heal a heart wound, and this is a big and difficult job. But…
Using the EOT method, we were able to find some fast and effective ways solving a number of the problems listed above, achieving a state of independence by the individual, which at the same time advanced us in understanding the essence of emotional dependence itself, the psychological mechanisms of its occurrence. I'll start with an example.
Example 1. "Blue Ball".
At a seminar that I conducted at one institute for third-year students, a student invited me to help her with the problem of unrequited love. She had been under the influence of this feeling for two years now.
Every day she only thought about “him,” she lived purely mechanically, nothing really interested her, she could not love someone else, as her friends advised her. She visited a psychoanalyst at one time, but this did not help her at all.
To begin with, I invited her to imagine that the same young man was on the chair in front of her and describe the experiences that she was experiencing. She replied that her whole body, her whole body, was madly attracted to him, and this feeling was localized in her chest.
Further, following the basic scheme of therapy, I invited her to imagine an image of this feeling in the same chair where the young man had previously “sat”. She replied that it was a bright blue ball, which certainly belonged to her. At the same time, she wanted to throw away this ball, but she could not do this, because, according to her, then it was as if she had died.
Already at this stage the structure of the impasse in which she found herself became apparent. She clearly wanted to repress her feelings, because of which she suffered, but at the same time she did not want to lose them.
Her ability to love in the form of a blue ball was projected onto young man, and she was deprived of contact with this part of the personality, so she felt apathy, lived mechanically and could not love someone else. The same projection created a powerful attraction to find that blue ball again.
Then I suggested that she try both options in turn to get out of the impasse:
1. Throw the ball away completely;
2. Accept it as part of your personality.
After this, it was possible to make sure which action would be most suitable for her. However, she showed strong resistance and flatly refused both options.
In order to shake up this rigid system, I invited group members to participate in this process. Each one in turn stood behind the girl and on her behalf made a speech in which he justified his decision to throw out or accept this ball. This question affected everyone and everyone spoke very emotionally. After that, she still didn't make any decision.
Then I decided to aggravate the situation even more and applied a Gestalt therapy technique, inviting her to stand in the middle of the room with her arms out to the sides, and everyone else to pull her in the direction of the decision they had made and persuade her to do just that.
The fight broke out seriously, for some reason all the men were in favor of throwing the ball away, and all the women were in favor of leaving it. But the main action happened very quickly, the girl literally screamed: “I won’t give it up for anything!” - and rushed towards the group of women, although the men held her very tightly.
Since the decision had been made, I stopped the “game” and asked her how she was feeling. With surprise, she admitted that she felt very good, and the ball was now in her heart.
I invited her to sit down and again imagine that young man in front of her.
- How do you feel now?
“It’s strange, I feel tenderness for him, but I don’t suffer.”
-Can you let him go now? Tell him that you wish him happiness without you?
- Yes, now I can. (Referring to the image of a young man). I let you go and wish you happiness regardless of me.
She saw the image of the young man move away and melt away, and this made her feel even better.
Now I offered her my interpretation: “The blue ball is your heart. It was given to the young man.” I said that along with those feelings that she wanted to get rid of, she also threw away her own heart, which provides the ability to love and feel, which is why she was in apathy.
Now that her heart is in the right place, she can not suffer and let this person go, while at the same time maintaining warm feelings for him. So Pushkin in his famous poem said goodbye to his beloved: “I loved you, there may still be love.”
After this explanation, another girl said:
- I understood. I had the same thing for eight years. I psychologically held him all the time, tormented myself, tormented others, I could not truly live and love. Now I want to finish this.
In a fit of emotion, she jumped onto a chair and loudly announced that from now on he was free and could live as he wanted, and she was free too.
The seminar ended with a general discussion.
A week later I met the first girl again at the seminar, her face was glowing, she said:
- Thank you very much. For the first time I lived a week happily.
I watched her for the rest of the semester, everything was fine. At the last lesson, she said that she was no longer suffering, but she still had happy memories of that love.
A comment. Later I realized that this is how almost all situations with emotional dependence work. We are always talking about the fact that along with the loss of a beloved object, the investments that he once invested in it in the hope of receiving emotional “dividends” are “torn away” from a person. He feels loss, part of his soul is lost. He cannot create new relationships because he has nothing left to invest.
But investments in relationships make them reliable and significant, then relationships are valued. If another person reciprocates the first, then everyone is happy, and a strong emotional connection is established between them, ensuring good foundation to start a family. When both parties to the process make mutual investments, this ensures their happiness, they have not only their favorite object, but also their own investments, because they are also with them, if the relationship is not broken.
Moreover, with them are the investments that the “opposite side” made in them. Everyone is pleased to know that they are dear to their loved one, that they are trying for you.
This idea became the basis for a whole series good luck with your work to overcome emotional dependence. Of course, it cannot be said that the heart of one individual actually moves into the person he loves, and the latter disposes of it. But it’s not for nothing that lovers so often say that they gave their hearts to the one they love.
As the poets write: “My heart is in the mountains, and I myself am below...” In subjective reality, something is possible that does not happen objectively, however, it has a very real and objective impact on the life of an individual.
If a subject has implemented in his subjective world (the term “projection” is also suitable) some part of his personality into another person, then he feels a constant connection with him, his dependence. He is attached insofar as his feelings or part of his personality are firmly attached to another.
Freud said that as a result of fixation, part of the libido, but not part of the personality, is attached to an object or its image, as a result of which the object begins to have an emotional charge for that individual, this was called cathexis.
In his famous work Melancholia, Freud says that the work of grief is that libido is gradually withdrawn from a loved but lost object.
But he did not indicate that this fixation of libido has the meaning of investment in the future. And this is very important! Essentially this is a new theory of love. Fixation does not occur because the object is simply liked; the subject may like many people of the opposite sex and other objects. But it doesn't happen decisive choice, the subject does not “bet” on this person.
If he makes a “bet,” this means that he firmly ties his fate, his happiness, his future with this person. He invests the energy of his hopes and dreams into the future, hoping for a long life. life together, hoping to receive many dividends, for example, counting on sexual happiness, giving birth and raising children, joint interesting life, public approval, etc.
No wonder lovers ask each other: “Do you love me?”, “Will you stop loving me?” and so on. They want to make sure that their investments are “profitable” and reliable, and that they will also invest in them. Moreover, I became convinced in therapeutic practice that investments control sexual desire, and not vice versa. Investments disappear and attraction disappears.
Example 2. "Bouquet of flowers."
A young man turned to me. “I can’t,” he says, “forget my first wife. She left me three years ago. She married a foreigner, left the country, gave birth to a child. I was depressed for two years, abandoned my favorite sport, I didn’t want anything.
Then I got over it, I recently got married, but I can’t love my second wife as much as I did my first, I always see myself as the first. I’m even ashamed in front of my second wife, but I can’t help it.”
– This means that you are still dependent on your first wife. You haven't let her go yet.
- No, I’ve already suffered my share. I've already experienced everything in two years.
– And we can easily check this.
- How is this possible?
– But imagine that your first wife is sitting on a chair here. What do you feel?
- Never mind. I don't care.
– Then you can easily tell her: “Goodbye, I wish you happiness in your personal life!
- No, for some reason I can’t say these words.
– Well, this means that you are dependent.
I explained to him the theory of investments and asked him to find an image of the feelings that he invested in his first wife, and which are still given to her. He said it was a beautiful bouquet of flowers.
– Are these really your flowers?
- Yes, these are my wonderful feelings that I gave to her.
– Take them and let them enter your body wherever they want.
“This bouquet entered my chest, it made me feel so good.” The energy has returned. Somehow it’s easier to breathe, and your hands rise on their own. I couldn't raise my arms after she left.
– Now look at this woman again (pointing to the chair).
– It’s strange, now it’s just a woman, of which there are millions.
– Can you now tell her: “Farewell, I wish you happiness in your personal life.”
- Yes, it’s easy now.
“Then tell me and see what happens to the image.”
– I speak and see how her image moves away and decreases. It completely disappeared, and it got even better.
– Now look at the second wife.
- Yes, now it’s a different matter.
“You can give her the bouquet then.” However, as you wish.
- No, why...
He was clearly in a hurry, and after a short goodbye he went home.
The return of the invested “capitals” back (into the body of the subject), when the destruction of the relationship has occurred, frees the subject and makes the beloved object neutral, the same as all other people. Neither Freud nor other famous psychoanalysts and therapists describe methods that would be specifically focused on returning the subject’s lost feelings or parts of the personality, otherwise everyone would have known about it long ago.
It is completely understandable why such methods were not created. Only the technology of emotional-imaginative therapy is suitable for this, since it allows you to present invested feelings in the form of an image and, through the return of this image to your own body, return lost resources. It is almost impossible to return feelings based only on verbal techniques.
Moreover, for most psychotherapists, the idea itself is not yet available due to the fact that the method in which feelings can be moved as an object, identified with them, accepted into one’s body or released, contradicts their traditional ideas. Let us explain with another example how this idea works within the framework of EOT.
Example 3. Golden lump.
A young man came to me to clarify his relationship with a girl. Their love began at the age of 15, it was strong and sincere. Even then they entered into sexual relations and were happy with each other. But the years passed, and it would have been time to get married, but he was a poor student and could not provide for his family.
Then she was offended and, abruptly breaking with her beloved, married a rich man. She gave birth to a child, but was not happy, she repented of her choice and soon began to seek restoration of relations with ex-lover. She divorced her husband, but still her main aspirations remained money and career.
The young man no longer wanted reconciliation with her, but could not free himself from his previous feelings, could not resist her insistence, although he no longer trusted her love. Now he could support his family, but did not want to connect his life with ex-girlfriend. At first I thought that he was simply expressing resentment and pride. Maybe we should help him forgive his unfaithful lover and reunite with her?
But he was firm in his intention to free himself from this emotional dependence. He was convinced of the girl’s low morality and believed that she was manipulating him. He could not understand how she could have previously neglected his wonderful feelings and caused him such pain.
He himself would never take the initiative to restore relations. The first session was used to clarify all the circumstances of the case and to make a final decision on what should be done.
At the beginning of the second meeting, the young man again confirmed that he had no intention of restoring the relationship, but needed help so that he would no longer be drawn to her, so that he would be freed from this dependence and suffering.
Following the theoretical ideas that emotional dependence rests only on those psychological “capitals” that a given subject “invested” in a loved one, I invited the client to create an image of these feelings in front of himself.
After thinking, the young man said that these feelings are like a huge golden lump from which sticks out a thread connecting him with balloon upstairs. We determined that this ball symbolizes the girl to whom he gave his feelings, hoping to keep her with the help of these feelings.
After this, I invited the client to absorb this lump, that is, his feelings, back into himself as his energy. At first he did not understand how this could be done. I suggested that he invite them back into his body, but he couldn't. Suddenly he himself found a solution:
- I have to enter this room myself! Because he's bigger than me.
- Well, do it.
In his imagination, he entered this lump and felt that previously lost feelings enveloped him from all sides, like a golden shining aura, they filled his entire body inside, and the ball flew off and hovered somewhere to the side.
– These feelings even protect me, I feel strength and independence. Now these feelings belong to me, and I can freely dispose of them, I can direct them to someone else. And how could she neglect such wonderful feelings?
– How do you feel about this girl now?
“You know, I really don’t care now.” I don’t even want to drive a Mercedes in front of her to get revenge. I'm truly free.
– We should meet again to make sure that the result is truly sustainable. May need some work.
- No, I'm absolutely sure. If necessary, I will call you again.
He left me with a very confident and strong gait, he didn’t call again.
A comment.This case, like the previous one and many others, shows that a subject can, with the help of conscious actions in relation to the image of his feelings, actually regain them, and thereby gain liberation from emotional dependence.
Traditionally, psychotherapists believe that a partner with whom the relationship has been destroyed should be mentally (and/or really) said goodbye and let him go. However, it is not so easy to say goodbye, because the heart, soul and feelings still remain with the one to whom they were given, with whom they are connected.
Before you let go, you need to get your “investment” back, otherwise nothing will work out. Sometimes this happens spontaneously, but for the most part the problem of emotional dependence remains extremely difficult to solve, apparently due to a lack of understanding of the importance of this aspect and the lack of appropriate technologies.
Psychotherapists often suggest mentally tearing or cutting the binding thread, mentally driving away the ex-spouse, etc. These mechanical methods sometimes they give liberation, but since it is not threads that bind people, but feelings, then for the most part there is no solution, or this solution is partial and unstable.
The return of feelings and parts of the personality with the help of a visually represented image of these feelings or parts of the personality does not cause resistance, since the individual does not lose anything. There is also nothing morally reprehensible in this action, because it does not harm the object of love and does not drive it away or abandon it. However, after this it is quite possible to let go of the object, which is no longer endowed with an irresistible attraction.
However, the subject may have additional motives for not doing what the therapist encourages him to do, and this gives rise to new difficulties and features of the work. The therapist must learn to overcome or bypass the client's resistance on the path to his release.
Example 4. "Tearful Dove."
The girl could not forget the young man who left her two years ago. Every evening she imagined that he was next to her, and it was painful. Of course, I asked her about the reasons for the breakup, and about the desirability and possibility of reconciliation. Everything said that it was necessary to finally say goodbye and let go of the former lover.
I immediately invited her to imagine that part of her personality or those feelings that she “invested” in her loved one, and which she lost with his departure. She immediately replied that it was a dove.
I explained that the dove usually symbolizes the soul, and asked if she was ready to return this dove, to accept it back as part of her personality? She confirmed that the dove she clearly imagined was indeed part of her personality, but for some reason he was afraid to go to her.
- Why?
- Because I'm clipping his wings.
- Why are you doing this?
- Well, of course, so that he doesn’t fly away.
This is the first difficulty. It was necessary to explain to the girl that the soul cannot fly away from itself, that it will still belong to her. And also that the more you hold someone captive, the more they break out.
All this was explained, but since experience is the criterion of truth, I suggested that, for the sake of experiment, she explain to the pigeon that the girl would no longer clip its wings. This statement had an effect; the dove already wanted to return to the girl, but was still afraid. No assurances from the girl, which I pushed her to, helped. This is the second difficulty.
Carefully observing the client’s words and intonations, I suddenly realized that in fact, it was she herself who was afraid of the pigeon. She was afraid of his freedom, afraid that he might again lead her feelings with him. The same fear forced her to clip the dove’s wings, so this is a new and at the same time old difficulty, but a new approach is needed.
Then I suggested that the girl paradoxically tell the dove that she herself would no longer be afraid of it. The girl was surprised because she was convinced that the dove was afraid of her. Without explaining, I insisted that this was a paradoxical technique and that it should be tried.
She obeyed, and the dove immediately fluttered into her chest. The girl breathed much deeper and more freely, her eyes lit up, she felt better, and all her fears disappeared.
Now that she had introduced her former friend, she felt completely free from him. Now she could easily say goodbye to him and absolutely confidently confirmed that she no longer suffered and was no longer addicted. A week later, she once again confirmed the positivity and sustainability of this result.
A comment.In this example, we examined two more possible difficulties that may arise when returning invested feelings:
1. The individual commits some violence against the invested part of the personality (i.e., over himself), as a result of which it loses confidence in him (in himself);
2. The individual is afraid of the return of a part of the personality, fearing that it will let him down or control him, etc. There is internal splitting and fear of failure to control oneself.
From this and other cases, we can conclude that the subject of emotional dependence sometimes experiences a feeling of self-doubt, does not value himself, does not trust his feelings or abilities. He sometimes resists freeing himself from the addiction he complains about because he is afraid that when he is free he will make new mistakes or will not be needed by anyone, will not find anyone, etc.
The method can be applied to a number of other problems, with minor modifications of the technique; we call this expansion of the area of application of the method, or more simply, expansion of the method.
Example 5. "Spider on the back."
At one of the seminars, I invited students to show their work. The student asked to solve her psychosomatic problem. She experienced constant and severe pain in her back, this prevented her from sleeping normally; her back hurt in any position. She turned to doctors for help, but they could not help her.
I asked her to imagine an image of this pain. She saw the pain as a huge spider sitting on her back. Since the spider usually symbolizes a man, I suggested that she had some serious problem in her relationship with a man.
It turned out that her friend is a drug addict, and she keeps trying to save him from this addiction, but she can’t do anything. She tries to break off relations with him, but is also unable to get rid of him. We tried different techniques, to free her from the presence of the spider on her back, but nothing helped free her from this emotional dependence.
She understood that she still wouldn’t be able to save him, that she was sacrificing her health and fate, but for some reason she “couldn’t” let him go. Then I invited her to answer the question on behalf of the spider: “Does he need to be rescued and dragged on his back somewhere where, perhaps, he is not going?”
Answering for him, the girl realized that he actually didn’t need it at all and that’s why he resisted. Immediately she was able to let go of the spider, it disappeared, and the pain in her back went away at the same moment. That same evening she broke off all relations with the drug addict.
After some time, she met another man, got married, gave birth to a child, and lives happily. Since then, her back has never (at least over the next 4 years) hurt. She told me this story 4 years after the session, which I even forgot about.
A comment. It is clear that the student could not break off the relationship out of a falsely understood sense of duty to this young man; she hoped for some kind of miracle and was afraid of being responsible for his further downfall. Therefore, she did not sincerely apply the techniques that were initially offered to her.
Having answered the proposed question on behalf of the “spider”, she realized that he did not need saving, and his further fall was predetermined by him. by one's own desire, she is not responsible for this. She realized that she was dragging him on her back against his will.
This immediate awareness, which could not be achieved by any argument from the therapist, allowed her to let go of this person, stop feeling indebted to him and stop straining her back to save him. Therefore, her back went away immediately and no longer hurt, and she was able to really break up with this person, get rid of emotional dependence, and really give up the false sense of duty.
On the one hand, this is a case of psychosomatic illness, on the other, a case of emotional dependence based on a sense of duty. But it is important to understand that the realization of the meaninglessness of her “feat” led to disappointment, and accordingly, the girl immediately took back her investment, one might say automatically.
Example 6. “25 Years of Heartache.”
A 70-year-old woman suffered from chronic heart pain; she had to stop from time to time along the way to rest. Periodically, she felt so sick from heart spasms that she feared for her life.
These phenomena began to happen to her 25 years ago, after the death of her beloved man, whose unofficial wife she was, there were no more men in her life. His death was a heavy blow for her, but she believed that she had already been able to survive this grief and had fully recovered.
I asked her to imagine an image of the heartache she was experiencing. The image of pain was like a blade, even a bayonet. She was very surprised when I suggested that her heart ailment was related to that old psychological trauma.
– It can’t be, 25 years have passed. Then, of course, I was very worried, but I calmed down a long time ago.
“Well, then it will be very easy for you to let go of this blade.”
- Yes, I let him go, but he doesn’t leave.
- Well, try again.
- Still, he doesn’t disappear anywhere.
- So you once gave him something very valuable to him and have not returned it to this day. Can you please imagine what it looks like?
“This is my wounded, bleeding heart.”
– Is this really your heart?
- Yes, of course, mine!
– Do you agree to return it to your body so that it falls into place?
– Yes, but he has such a wound, I’m afraid that it will make me feel bad.
- No, when you take it, only then will you be able to cure him. To do this, just tell him that you allow him to heal, you won’t hurt him anymore.
– Yes, it has returned to its place and is gradually healing.
- Tell me when it heals completely.
- Yes, it has already healed. I felt somehow better.
“Now look at the blade again.”
A comment. From this case it follows that emotional dependence can persist for many years, although the individual may not even be aware of it. Moreover, he does not suspect that his physical ailment is a consequence of this addiction.
The trouble is that he doesn’t even know how to feel differently, he has never had the experience of independence, and he is afraid of such a state or considers it some kind of immoral, a betrayal of his mother.
At the same time, he may suffer from the fact that he always makes decisions and builds his personal life in accordance with the opinion of his mother, painfully experiences any of her whims or illnesses, is in despair at the mere thought of her death, always feels guilty before her, etc. .d.
It is very difficult to get rid of such an addiction, and in my practice I have repeatedly encountered these difficult cases. Standard verbal therapy is usually very lengthy, but the already described technique of emotional-imaginative therapy shows great promise.
Example 7. “Merging with Mom.”
A woman, approximately 35 years old, with a child of her own, made the following request at a seminar. Her whole life was permeated with a feeling of insignificance and dependence on her mother in her feelings and decisions.
Mom’s needs and opinions were more important than her own, the slightest illness of her mother caused tragic experiences, and the thought that her mother would die evoked the idea that it was impossible to live after that. Mom lived separately, but, nevertheless, her influence on her daughter remained unconditional and inadequate. She felt that something was wrong in their relationship, but did not understand what was wrong.
The main line of work was aimed at helping the woman realize what part of her personality she once handed over to her mother as a child and why? It turned out that it was her little child's heart and, despite the confidence that this heart was hers, she experienced great difficulties in getting it back.
Finally, she returned this heart to her body, and immediately her train of thought changed. She suddenly realized that her mother, it turns out, was a separate person from her, her mother had her own personal history, which included her first husband and other circumstances, that her mother had her own character and her own delusions. But most of all she was struck by the immediate feeling of her separateness and independence.
As she mastered this new subjective reality that had opened up to her, the small heart in her chest grew and gradually turned into an adult, large and full-fledged heart, which she was psychologically deprived of. Now she realized that she could feel on her own and make decisions according to her needs, this was new and wonderful.
A comment. Thus, the investment return method can also be effective in the case of confluence.
In the event of a merger, other techniques can be and are successfully used. Quite often there are cases when the client is psychologically inside the mother's womb (this is expressed in the image of an egg, bag, vat or cave inside which he is located), he seems to refuse to be born.
Here you can go in different ways, for example, you can imitate your birth in your imagination (however, the traditional techniques of symboldrama, psychodrama and bodily therapy are also suitable), but in our practice we have developed a paradoxical approach that allows us to solve this problem in some cases unexpectedly simply.
We inform the client that he is the one holding the mother's womb, to which he naturally agrees. After which we invite him to let go of the womb, addressing its image with the appropriate words. If this is not enough, then the previous method of returning embedded feelings is added to this procedure.
Example 8. "Let go of the mother's womb."
At the seminar, I invited the group participants to perform a mental exercise, to enter the circle of “Health”, the reactions were varied, but mostly positive. However, one participant, a young girl, said that for some reason she saw herself in some kind of vat, in a motionless anemic state, she tried to get out, and in the end she saw herself in the sea, but she was also in an anemic state.
I said to this that, most likely, she had a difficult birth, or there is an emotional dependence on her mother. To which she replied that both were true. “You should let go of your mother and her womb,” I advised, “because only you are holding them, and not they you. But this will require great job. We'll deal with it later if you want."
After which I moved on to discuss the impressions of other group members. After a few minutes, the girl jumped up and began to excitedly walk back and forth within the group circle. Naturally, I asked what was going on with her and if she wanted to discuss her problem? She replied that she had already followed my advice and that she would do everything else herself.
I continued working with the group, and the girl kept walking in a circle, then stopped and cried. Gradually she calmed down and sat down in her place. At the next seminar a couple of months later, she confirmed that she had indeed solved her problem, that her dependence on her mother and her womb had disappeared.
A comment.This case illustrates another release technique when the client lets go of the object that he feels is holding him. For example, an individual sometimes claims that he is “in prison” and cannot free himself from it, no matter how hard he tries. Then he is asked to let go of his prison!
The prison collapses and the client is freed. Then he realizes that he created his prison himself. But when he lets go of the womb or prison, it means that he stops investing in that object and automatically returns it to himself.
This technique should sometimes be combined with the previous one. First, return the lost parts of your personality, and then let go of the object of your addiction. If you manage to let go (it is unacceptable not to drive away the violence), then this will be a criterion for the success of the work to return the investment. If you can only forcibly break the connection, then this means that it is not actually broken.
Then a small mouse ran out of the hole, next to the root, and began to gnaw at the root. When there was very little left for the root to break, the man suddenly saw a small strawberry growing on the slope right in front of his face. He picked it and ate it.
This is where the parable ends and usually no interpretation is given and people understand it very crookedly, for example, as evidence that our life is continuous suffering, there are only small joys.
However, its meaning is directly opposite to this gloomy outlook on life, and it is very easy to understand, the first tiger is the past, from which a person runs away in horror, the second tiger is the future, which a person always fears. The root is the root of life, and the little mouse is the inexorable time. But a small strawberry is a moment of the present, and when a person ate it, he found himself in the present moment of time and gained enlightenment.
Because in the present there is no past or future, which means there are no fears and suffering, there is only a beautiful present that can last forever. Therefore, in order to get rid of suffering, you often need to simply return from the past or future.
Example 9. "Return from the Past."
The young man, who was a successful businessman, earned a lot of money, but his company did its job and was disbanded. He did not find himself in the present, did not feel the meaning of life, although he had a family and so much money that he could no longer work.
It turned out that all he could think about was how good it was when he was running a successful company. He met with old friends, and they only talked about how good it was then.
I told him that he seemed stuck in the past and asked what he left there. "Yes, I'm all there." - he exclaimed. I invited him to see himself in the past and bring that self back here, to the present. “But he doesn’t want to. He feels so good there. He sits in a big office, signs important papers, does good deeds. He doesn’t want to come back to me.”
“Explain to him,” I say, “that he clings to the illusion that this is nothing anymore. He lives in an illusory world, deceives himself, but you can live here for real.”
“Oh, as soon as I told him, he ran straight to me. He entered my body. I somehow felt good. Why am I smiling? You know, I just never smile.” This continued on and on, he came again to check and was convinced that the effect did not disappear, that now he had found the meaning of life.
