A person is characterized by different psychological states. Joy gives way to sadness, confidence to confusion. Sometimes, for example, it seems that the whole world has abandoned you. Every person has probably thought about how to get rid of the feeling of loneliness at least once in their life. And the solution was not always found quickly. Because this condition does not arise spontaneously and does not suddenly disappear. But any phenomenon has its reasons, especially in the field of psychology.
To these types are added the reasons for such a psychological state.
W. Kolbel identifies such a type as “proud” loneliness, which allows the individual to discover new forms of freedom, untried models of communication with people
Psychologists dealing with this problem identify several main reasons for this condition:
Most researchers note that it is laid down since childhood. The child was often scolded by his parents, humiliated by his teachers, and teased by his peers for some shortcoming or constraint in communication. One way or another, a person, growing up, remembers his state of humiliation, and it is often very difficult for him to overcome it.
How to do it? There are two ways to rid yourself of self-flagellation. You can turn to specialists who, by influencing the psyche, will try to restore your sense of confidence. Or you can consciously try to raise the bar for your assessment.
The main thing you need to understand is that low self-esteem develops under the influence of the people around you.
That is, if you are treated as a person without initiatives, interesting solutions or just a boring interlocutor, this does not mean at all that in reality everything is so. You just gave yourself a reason to think that way about yourself.
But a person who, say, finds himself alone on a desert island will not have such self-esteem. He will have no one to prove his worth to. He is unlikely to sit and think about the fact that everything is falling out of his hands. He will fight for survival and the opportunity to somehow connect with the outside world.
This is what you need to do when you have low self-esteem. It is important to fight for your ability to be a full member of society, team, family.
Psychologists believe that there are 2 types of loneliness. The first is subjective separation from society, the second is, as it were, separation from oneself, indifference to oneself. Often they are interconnected.
You also need to remember that even objective self-esteem is not always the right path to getting rid of loneliness. Let's say something really isn't working out for you at work or in your family, and you can't change anything. Admitting this would seem to be a fair assessment of oneself. But the process of failure cannot last forever. Under some other circumstances, everything will turn out well, and you will have the strength for this.
It is better to replace low self-esteem with slightly high self-esteem, with perspective. And then loneliness will be replaced by calm relationships with others.
Daily workouts and leisure perfectly strengthens the body and spirit, which increases self-esteem
This reason for loneliness is most often characteristic of women in family and love relationships. American psychologist Stefan Wolinsky wrote that the syndrome of false expectations is akin to the sensations of a child who is separated from the womb. Everything is not going the way he would like. Life becomes completely different.
Origins possible appearance False expectations can also be hidden in childhood, when the child was surrounded with care, love, and tried to predict his every desire. And now the girl grows up and becomes a woman. Intuitively, she wants the same warmth, the same fulfillment of desires, especially in love relationships.
But everything goes a little wrong. A loved one does not become one with her, does not always pay much attention to her, and sometimes communication becomes difficult. Often a woman becomes withdrawn, offended, and experiences an acute feeling of loneliness.
Meanwhile, the exit lies on the surface. You just need to recognize that the person from whom you expect increased and constant attention to yourself also has his own life, his own interests. He cannot think and feel exactly the same as you.
By the way, false expectations can manifest themselves not only in family relationships. Let's say you suddenly feel that one of your colleagues is treating you rudely and arrogantly at work, and you move away from him. But it is quite possible that the person treats you well, in a friendly way, you just demand too much from him.
Formulate your expectations in such a way as to give your other half the right to make mistakes, lower the bar of requirements a little
Sometimes a person finds himself isolated from others (or so it seems to him) if he does not know how to carry on a conversation in time, to say kind word or just tell an appropriate joke. Most often, the origins of this behavior also come from childhood, if the parents in the family did not support good relations, and everyone lived as if separately from each other. Here you need to teach yourself correct, relaxed communication.
But sometimes this happens: lonely people conduct conversations in a deliberately unnatural way, even dismissively towards others. You need to get rid of such habits.
Every contact with a person requires you to listen and be patient.
It is also important appearance interlocutor. Change your look. Get a different hairstyle, buy new clothes. It also gives confidence.
The fear of not being needed by anyone is a fairly common occurrence. It is felt after divorces, after children are separated from their parents, or after a loved one dies. The main thing is not to let this fear take over you, to resist it. There will always be someone who may experience the same feelings or have ever experienced. Take a closer look at those around you, you will probably find someone to at least chat with.
Don’t expect rejection from others, don’t be afraid of not liking someone at a party or in the company of new acquaintances
The same applies to previous negative experiences. For example, divorce is not at all a reason to think that all men or women are the same as your former half.
In the United States, a theory arose that loneliness, like a virus, can be transmitted from person to person. They say that at a certain time of year or in a certain place there suddenly become more lonely people, and this mental blues lasts longer for them.
Indeed, there are so-called mental illnesses that form a person’s negative attitude towards reality. However, loneliness is more likely a social phenomenon than a disease. And it cannot be transmitted by any viral means.
It’s just that a lonely person can be overly aggressive and irritable when communicating. This condition can be transmitted on a psychological level and affect people's desire to communicate with others.
It would also be useful to go to a psychologist. A specialist will help you find the “trigger”, after pressing which, figuratively speaking, a shot of loneliness occurred. It could have been some negative event: death loved one, separation from a loved one, someone’s illness, dismissal from work, etc. You need to clearly determine for yourself that all this is already in the past, life continues just for you, this chance cannot be neglected. You need to learn to accumulate positive emotions, to find them even in the smallest things.
Sometimes it is recommended to go on vacation or go on a hike, or go to the sea. But resting alone is not always pleasant either. Another thing is that somewhere at sea you can meet a friend or loved one. Only most of these novels end with the ending holiday season, and then you have to return to a lonely apartment again.
You can also change the situation by going out of town for the weekend, starting a renovation, getting a job new job and so on
Try to find your advantages in your current state. Engage in self-improvement: read, even write something. This will increase your erudition, and the interest of others in you will also increase.
Get a dog, it’s not for nothing that Bunin wrote about this remedy for loneliness. Plus, walking with your pet will likely introduce you to other owners.
You can't give up on loneliness. And you should always remember that you can overcome this condition if you believe in yourself and stop shutting yourself off from the world around you.
Are you lonely? Are you looking for friends? Do you dream of having a loved one nearby? Do you feel like the whole world has turned its back on you? I could ask you many similar questions, and to most of them, I am sure, you would answer in the affirmative. After all, I understand what the feeling of loneliness is, and not only because I have encountered it many times as part of my professional activity, but also because I have experienced it many times in my life. But at the same time, dear readers, I also know how to get rid of this feeling. And in this article I will tell you about it. I will tell you how to get rid of loneliness and feel like a happy person, no matter the reason why you feel lonely. I assure you that anyone can change their life so that they will never feel lonely again. Each of us is capable of finding friends and a loved one, and each of us can express ourselves in this life in the best possible way. This is not at all difficult to do, you just need to set the right mood for life and everything in it will go like clockwork, believe me. Read this article to the end and I will show you how you can do it.
The first thing you need to find out is why do you feel lonely, because there is no one next to you, or because you cannot or want, for one reason or another, to communicate with the people around you? Perhaps the whole point is that your views on life do not coincide with the views of those people who surround you and therefore it seems to you that these people do not understand you, which is tantamount to the fact that they are not near you at all. Or perhaps the whole point is that other people simply treat you badly, so you distance yourself from them and don’t want to communicate with them. You know, I don't think you feel lonely because there are no people around you, unless you live on a desert island, which is unlikely. Consequently, the whole point is in those people who surround you - they do not suit you in some way, or you are not outdated in some way, or you are simply afraid for one reason or another to communicate with them. That's why you're lonely, right? It's all about the people. And you know what – it’s always about people. Many of our problems, including the problem of loneliness, are somehow related to people. And if we learn, if you, dear friends, learn to interact competently with other people, to communicate competently with them, you will immediately make many friends and find a loved one. There are people around you, right? So why do you feel lonely? Probably something is preventing you from fully communicating with them, which is why you are experiencing the problem of loneliness. It stems from another problem you have, which is related to your communication skills. This means that it is necessary to solve this problem first. Below I will tell you how you can do this.
For now, let's look at the problem of loneliness from the other side. In this life it happens that a person can be surrounded by, let’s say, not quite the right people, that is, people who are very different from him. And it's very difficult for a person with these people to find mutual language, and frankly speaking, often you don’t even want to do this. Therefore, whether they exist, these people, or whether they don’t exist, you still feel lonely. It doesn't matter whether you're looking for friends or a loved one - if you're surrounded by people you don't want anything to do with, you're bound to feel lonely. This is indeed a problem, and a fairly common one. What can you do in this case to get rid of loneliness? Well, the answer suggests itself - you need to either find people who will accept and understand you, and with whom you will feel very at ease, or you need to learn to communicate with those people who surround you at the moment. If you are not limited in movement around the world, do not live in small island and you are not in isolation, then, probably, you will find normal, from your point of view, people to communicate with, as well as a person for a serious relationship - it is still easier than finding a common language with those who surround you at the moment. Think about what needs to be done for this. Perhaps you need to become a little bolder and a little more active in order to reach new people you need? What do you think?
Trying to find a common language with those who currently surround you is, in principle, also an option. At the same time, you absolutely do not have to go against yourself and your principles, if you have any. Trying to find a common language with those who for one reason or another do not like you, who are not suitable for you, either as friends, or as a companion or life partner, who do not understand you at all - you just have to learn to see others in these people qualities that can be attributed to their merits. It is enough just to find those points of contact through which you can establish contact with these people and begin to benefit from communicating with them. Let them not become your most best friends and you won’t want to connect your fate with any of them, but communication with them will make you a less lonely person. Just try to find out more about these people, then you will see a lot of interesting things in them for you. After all, you know, people often do not understand each other well, not because their views on life and many things in it do not coincide, which is why they cannot accept each other’s position, but because they know little about each other. Well, it’s like with the first impression of a person, which often turns out to be deceiving. We seem to think one thing about a person, assessing him very superficially at the beginning of our acquaintance, but over time it turns out that he is completely different, much more interesting and better than we thought. Therefore, you need to be able to study other people, and for this, you need to pause with your attitude towards them and your opinion about them. If you don’t like a person, don’t rush to form your opinion about him, try to find out more about him in order to see in this person not only those qualities that are most noticeable and that you don’t like, but also other, less pronounced ones or even hidden qualities that are also present in him and may well be acceptable to you. It is from this position that you can begin to communicate with a person who is currently not interesting or pleasant to you, winning him over by accepting him life position from the side you need. This is very good way get rid of loneliness. After all, there are a lot of people around us, so you can always find those with whom you can pass the time, no matter who these people are. This is better than being alone all the time. So even if there is not much that connects you with other people, but only on a few positions your views will coincide - this, you know, is also not small. A person needs communication, this is one of his needs, which must somehow be satisfied in order to feel normal.
On the other hand, if you are the kind of person who doesn't need large quantities friends and constant communication with people, then you may well find yourself one or two friends who will suit you in many ways. And if we talk about a loved one, then he should be the only one in life, but one who understands you and who really suits you. In general, having a loved one nearby can completely save you from loneliness. You won’t even need friends if the person you love and loves you is next to you. Just one person should appear in your life who will understand, love, appreciate, respect you, and who will accept you as you are or who you are or who you are, and you will immediately get rid of loneliness. Just think about it - just one person. And the feeling of loneliness is as if it never happened. Do you think it is difficult for you to find just one person whom you will love and who will love you? Actually no, it's not difficult. Honestly. Some people just think that finding a loved one, a loved one, is very difficult. But I know that this is not so. You just need to search, actively search, or rather, choose the right person from the huge number of people around you. Moreover, there may be several options. So your chances of finding your love, no matter who you are, are quite high.
When I worked with people on this task, who were absolutely sure that it was definitely difficult for someone, and for them, to find a loved one or friends, then in the process of communicating with them, we eventually came to the conclusion that this task is by no means as difficult as it seemed to them. Do you know why it seemed difficult to them? Because it is always difficult to start doing something that you have never done or that you have done, but very rarely. Here you are, dear reader, how often have you looked for friends or a loved one? How much time do you spend on this - per day, per week, per month? Maybe I'm wrong, of course, but for some reason it seems to me that not very much. Sorry if I'm wrong about this, it's just the statistics I have based on own experience, tells me that people spend little time looking for a loved one and/or friends, that’s why they don’t have them, that’s why they are lonely. Usually people wait for the people they need to come into their lives. For example, if a girl is convinced that a man, a guy, should take the initiative in dating, which is partly true, then she can wait all her life for her prince, who will show this very initiative by suddenly appearing in her life, but never wait for him. And when age pushes her to start a family, she will quickly jump out to marry almost the first person she meets, who may turn out to be God knows who. Well, the question is, why not start solving this issue earlier, why wait? Yes, it is generally accepted that it is the man who should take the initiative in dating, but this is a conditional rule that can and should be broken if a woman wants to find a man. You never know what should be in our life one way and not another, you never know how many different rules apply in it, you never know what should be in it, but what isn’t - we ourselves need to think about our own happiness in order to have it.
So it’s not difficult to find both friends and a loved one, you just need to take the initiative in this matter and everything will work out. Not necessarily the first time, but it will definitely work. I'm telling you this for sure. The main thing is attitude, the main thing is activity, the main thing is courage, which allows us to act. After all, why does a person feel lonely when there are so many people around? different people? Only because he does not make active contact with them. Even if you don’t want to look for common ground with those who you don’t like for one reason or another or who don’t like you, that’s okay. Look for those with whom you can find a common language, thanks to similar views on life and kinship of souls. Look for friends with similar interests, look for a loved one with a similar character, and so on. Take action. There are possibilities. Just don’t expect other people to do everything for you - by entering your life, like in a fairy tale, and transforming it. Make your life fabulous yourself - you have all the opportunities for this. I know this for sure, even without knowing each of you individually.
Now let's return to that question, or rather, to the problem that I mentioned above, and from which the problem of loneliness we are discussing arises. I mean the problem of communicating with people. After all, you may well be a fairly active person who wants to communicate with people and communicates with them, and with everyone without exception. And yet, you may not have friends and a loved one. Why? Probably, somehow you communicate with people not quite correctly, don’t you agree? Well, you know, there is an opinion, confirmed by many psychologists, including me, according to which such character qualities as: egocentrism, conflict, greed, rudeness, arrogance, disrespect for other people and similar qualities that we all usually don’t like in other people - interfere with getting rid of loneliness. Pay attention to yourself - is there something about you that other people may not like, that may push them away from you? If there is something, think about how to fix it. Perhaps you yourself can work with the negative qualities of your character, perhaps you can seek the help of a psychologist. But it is obvious that if something prevents you from communicating normally with other people, and therefore they avoid you, then you need to do something about it. Otherwise, nothing in your life will change - you will remain a lonely person.
Let's go further and assume that you don't offend people or push them away with your attitude towards them, but are simply afraid to communicate with them, well, for example, because of negative past experiences and, as a result, because of a subconscious fear of failure . By the way, because of this, people often cannot find a soul mate - their past relationship experience may be too negative. So they are afraid to enter into a new relationship, even after a considerable time. Also, perhaps you have some kind of complexes that stop you from communicating with other people. And you may be so unsure of yourself that you are not even able to start a conversation with a stranger. In this case, the question arises - what to do about it? Of course, we need to figure it out. After all, any psychological problems need to be solved - they cannot be solved on their own. So, either you figure it out on your own, or ask a psychologist for help, and he/she will help you get rid of all your internal problems. And by getting rid of internal problems, you will be able to solve external problems, because all our problems originate within us, and their solution begins with us. So if you need to change to get rid of loneliness, you can do it. That is, you have such an opportunity. Use it - change. Seek help from specialists or help yourself to get rid of all your complexes, fears, insecurities and other psychological problems that prevent you from living a normal life. Without working on yourself, in in this case, there is no way around it.
In general, as you can see, friends, I am pushing you to take active action, because any task is solved through actions, and not through thoughts and dreams. I can write to you a lot about loneliness and ways to get rid of it, approaching this issue from the very beginning. different sides. But theory alone does not solve this problem, so there should be a minimum of it, but there should be a maximum of practice so that you get a real result. You can get rid of loneliness right now if you start communicating with someone on any topic that interests you. Thanks to communication, you will feel how easy it is to get out of a state of loneliness by simply starting to communicate with other people, or at least with one specific person. You can do this, you really can. Only this communication should give you pleasure, otherwise it will not satisfy you and will not help you feel your capabilities. But this is not a problem; with a competent approach to this matter, you can get pleasure from any communication, and at the same time benefit. So don't think about it, don't be afraid to do something wrong.
Better think about who you can start communicating with right now on a topic that interests you. I won’t believe you if you say that with no one, that there is no one in your life who is ready to listen to you right now. There must be someone who is ready to give you their time and have a heart-to-heart talk with you. Well, if you really don’t have anyone, find yourself a suitable person to communicate with. Use the same Internet if you don’t want to go anywhere and meet someone. Just please start communicating - start moving towards other people. This is very important - a long journey begins with the first, small, sometimes very small step. For you, this step is to immediately begin communicating with other people. Feel your willpower, which can motivate you to take action any time you need it. It is your willpower that will help you take advantage of my advice and recommendations to get rid of loneliness.
Nobody wants to be lonely even in heaven.
Italian saying
The feeling of loneliness as a personality quality is a chronic stay in the painful experience of uselessness, isolation, disconnection and emptiness caused by real or imagined dissatisfaction of the need for interpersonal relationships.
One day a young man came to the sage and asked him how to save himself from loneliness. “I will relieve you of this feeling, but first you must pass a three-day test,” answered the sage. The young man agreed. On the first day, the sage tightly blindfolded the young man so that he could not see anything. It was unbearably difficult, especially when the young man was asked to bring something. The next day, the sage tightly closed the young man’s ears so that he could not hear anything. It seemed to the young man that the whole world around him seemed to have gone deaf. On the third day, the sage locked the young man in a small room without windows or light for the whole day. The young man could hardly stand this day. Finally, all the tests were over, and the young man exclaimed: “How glad I am that I survived everything!” Now will you help me? - Do you still feel lonely? - asked the sage. - Frankly speaking, no. The world is so beautiful. I had no idea that there were so many sounds and colors around. “As long as a person can look at the sun, moon and stars and enjoy the gifts of the earth and sea, he is not alone,” the sage noted. “But suddenly the feeling of loneliness will return again,” the young man became worried. “Then come again, and I will give you a new test,” the sage smiled.
Loneliness is the awareness of the fact that no one needs you, that no one wants to listen to you. At least talk to yourself, as if your connections with other people or with a specific person have been amputated.
The essence of loneliness is well revealed in a poem by the poetess Lyudmila Kramskoy:
You were born alone and you will die alone,
Life will pass through you like a knife through butter.
He will cut you open, mend you,
He will whip you and spank you.
Your brain will dry out, your veins will be drawn out,
How to throw unnecessary trash into the trash,
The rain will spit in your face,
The dirt will smear
It will fill your soul with sadness
Life will throw you into the ocean of troubles
Loneliness gives an answer to everyone like this.
Feelings of loneliness can also be experienced in fun company, if there is a feeling that no one cares about you, and that your loved one is not around and never will be. D’Artagnan conveys this feeling with the words: “I stand among friends as if in a desert, And what is left of love for me now is only the name... Constance...” It’s paradoxical, but the feeling of loneliness is the most common complaint public people, surrounded by enthusiastic admirers and fans. Harlequin says with bitterness from his loneliness:
Everything seems: I’ll take off the mask,
And this world will change with me,
But no one can see my tears.
Well, Harlequin, apparently, I’m not bad.
A variety of things can be hidden behind the feeling of loneliness: revenge on someone who has offended, a desire to suffer in order to attract attention, misconceptions and prejudices, an incorrect lifestyle, crooked beliefs, fear of action. For example, a woman has experienced the horror of parting with her loved one and is now afraid to look for a replacement, in case these torments and sufferings happen again. It’s unbearable to feel abandoned again. It’s better to be alone, because the second time I won’t survive the words of a loved one that he “no longer needs” me.
Erich Fromm wrote: “The awareness of his loneliness and isolation, his helplessness before the forces of nature and society turns his isolated, split existence into an unbearable prison. The experience of disconnection causes anxiety; moreover, it is the source of all anxiety. To be disconnected means to be cut off, without any opportunity to use one's human powers. Therefore, it means to be helpless, unable to actively influence the world - things and people, it means that the world can invade me, and I am not able to react.
Loneliness is godlessness, which takes the form of a negative mental attitude towards melancholy, disappointment and emptiness. Note that a person who has a strong connection with God never considers himself lonely. The lonely old woman does not feel lonely, because she talks to God every day through prayer. Faith is a connection. The best cure for loneliness is a connection with God. Why is this happening? God builds relationships with every person through the people who meet him on life path. He constantly dialogues with us through other people. The first person is mom. God took the form of a mother and took care of us.
Then other people come into life, but they are often not dear to us, so we do not hear the dialogue with God behind their words. When a person becomes dear to us, when we see a kindred spirit in him, everything changes fundamentally. Finding a soul mate means finding a person through whom God communicates with us. A person is not able to experience a feeling of loneliness if in his environment there is a person who is a guide to God. This important point in understanding the causes of feelings of loneliness. All methods of combating loneliness are half-hearted if they do not touch its deepest layer - godlessness. The feeling of loneliness is the antithesis of life with the realization that you are not alone, that you are always under the protection and patronage of God. The atheist feels like a foundling in this world.
American psychologist Irwin Yalom captures the essence of the feeling of loneliness: “We are all lonely ships in a dark sea. We see the lights of other ships - we cannot reach them, but their presence and position similar to ours give us great comfort. We realize our absolute loneliness and helplessness. But if we manage to escape our windowless cage, we become aware of others facing the same horror of loneliness. Our sense of isolation opens the way for us to empathize with others, and we are no longer so afraid..."
Loneliness is spiritual beggary. Carlo Dossi wrote: “Why do people, as a rule, avoid loneliness? Because when alone, only a few enjoy pleasant company.” Sergei Radonezhsky lived in a deep forest, but he never felt lonely for a minute. Romain Rolland was right when he said: “A great soul is never lonely. No matter how fate takes friends away from her, she, in the end, always creates them for herself.” A bear became a friend of Sergei Radonezhsky.
People often say: “I like to be alone.” For the soul, like a droplet in the ocean of souls, it is unnatural to love loneliness. It's really about privacy. When Arthur Schopenhauer says, “Loneliness is the lot of all great minds,” he means solitude.
In solitude, a person can make discoveries, create masterpieces, decide complex tasks, generate ideas. In a solitary state, a person can engage in introspection and introspection. Consequently, he can improve himself, following the path of personal growth. If solitude is independence and self-sufficiency, then loneliness is a form of dependence, lack of self-sufficiency and emotional begging.
In Genesis it is written: “And the Lord said, “It is not good for the man to be alone.” The guard realized that loneliness is when you feed a fly at your post, in the hope that it will not fly away for the winter... There is such an anecdote: The doorbell rings. A tired, rumpled man opens, with red eyes, pale, all in black, depression written on his face. He looks indifferently at the caller - a cheerful, cheerful, ruddy, big man with a gas mask and two cylinders on his back. The big guy asks: “Do you have rats?” - No... - What about bedbugs? - I don’t have bedbugs... - Well, at least there are cockroaches? - No. I live all alone...
Psychologists identify 12 causes of chronic loneliness:
1. Inability to tolerate forced solitude.
2. Low self-esteem like: “They don’t like me”, “I’m a bore”).
3. Social anxiety (fear of ridicule, condemnation, sensitivity to other people's opinions).
4. Communication clumsiness, ineptitude.
5. Distrust of people (isolation, disappointment).
6. Internal stiffness (inability to open up).
7. Behavioral component (constant choice of unsuccessful partners).
8. Fear of a rival, fear of being rejected.
9. Sexual anxiety (inability to relax, feelings of shame, anxiety).
10. Fear of emotional intimacy.
11. Lack of initiative, lack of confidence in one’s desires.
12. Unrealistic claims (all or nothing, choice according to the model).
A person with a manifest feeling of loneliness, even being in a family and circle of friends, still feels useless, thinks that no one loves, respects or notices him. It is well known how loneliness negatively affects health. Single men and women usually abuse alcohol, forget about proper nutrition and daily routine, they devote too much time to work, get involved in various adventures, they do not have that emotional stability, which is typical for married people. Single men live 10-12 years less than married men. By degree negative impact For life expectancy, loneliness is equivalent to smoking.
Satirist Stanislaw Jerzy Lec writes: “People are lonely because instead of bridges they build walls.” Are you completely alone in a huge metropolis? In the evenings you have no one to exchange a word with? At dinner, a piece can’t get into your throat because of the aching silence? Call your rural relatives and invite them to stay with the whole family for a month... And the feeling of loneliness will pass.
Petr Kovalev 2013
Hello, dear readers! The feeling of loneliness and uselessness is a rather acute and complex experience that a person does not always find the strength and resources to cope with. Which leads to depression and sometimes even suicide. A person constantly, even just in the background, feels dissatisfaction with life. Why is he ready to “throw himself” into any relationship, even destructive ones, just to get rid of the unbearable torment that comes with the feeling that no one in this world cares about him. And today we will look at why this happens. We will also learn how to cope with this condition.
When a child is born, a lot happens important process– formation of basic trust in the world. That is, if the adult who cares for him disappears for some time, it is important for him to know that he will definitely return. That's why children cry when they are alone. They call the one on whom their life depends at a given period, who satisfies their basic needs.
And if the baby does not have the knowledge that somewhere there is an Other who is currently absent, but he is in his life, then in the future he will have few resources and abilities to cope with the feeling of loneliness. He will try to avoid it in every possible way. Although in fact, we are all alone, and it is important for us to be able to deal with ourselves. Otherwise, it is impossible to build full contact with others, which will bring joy, peace and satisfaction, saturation.
The reasons for the formation of distrust can be completely different. Sometimes an adult is simply unable to recognize and satisfy the needs of a child. Although in fact she sincerely loves him and is trying to do this. A traumatic event may make itself felt, for example, the mother did not come for a long time to calm her down. Then anxiety arises, what if it becomes uncomfortable again, and mom doesn’t show up like last time? Even though she arrives promptly for each subsequent call, this anxiety will remain background and will make itself felt.
Difficulties may also arise if the individual’s history includes an experience of rejection that he or she could not cope with. Especially during a crisis, such as adolescence. When the need for recognition among peers comes to the fore, the desire to please the opposite sex appears.
When a person feels useless, he is tempted to enter into a relationship without paying much attention to what he, this other, really is like. Just to grab hold of it and feel that you are no longer alone. It seems like someone needs it. And what’s not so scary now is that together we can stand against the whole world. And it is for this reason that disappointment then sets in, from which loneliness is experienced even more acutely. Because it seems like there is someone with whom you can feel closeness, but it is still impossible, inaccessible. And the person is already, for example, in a marriage that has not brought happiness.
It is clear that it is very difficult, but still, give yourself the opportunity to get to know the other better. Without being fascinated, and without flattering yourself with the illusion that if it’s bad now, then the moment will definitely come when the person will correct himself, realize his mistakes, and you will live the envy of everyone. Everyone has shortcomings, and you shouldn’t ignore them, just listen to yourself whether you’re ready to accept them or not.
If you tend to distrust people, then “slow down” yourself when suspicions arise. If it’s the other way around, ask at least a couple of questions to understand why you decided that this person would justify your trust.
In psychology there is such a thing as addiction. This is when a person is unable to satisfy his needs without obsessive activity. It can be either chemical, that is, drug addiction, alcoholism, or non-chemical, for example, shopaholism, overeating, dependence on relationships, pornography, etc.
In fact, this is a replacement, that is, a person has at least something stable in his life that he can rely on. Even if it's just alcohol or a cigarette. This is what it means to be there in stressful and tense moments.
So, if you have at least some bad habit, try to “deal” with it. This way you will not only become healthier physically, if the addiction was chemical. But refusing it will provoke you to go in search of more useful way relaxation, calmness, etc. Let's say if you play sports, you will become more active, happy, fit and healthy. And who knows, maybe during training you will meet exactly the one next to whom you will forget about your uselessness.
If you are not comfortable with yourself, then why would the other person want to be alone with you? And in some cases, and still live life together, give birth to children and lead everyday life? Just because you exist in the world is not an argument, right? Unconditional love happens only from parents, and then not always. People around you will treat you the way you allow them to. And if you respect your personality, you will never allow your boundaries to be violated. Accordingly, there will be no people in your life who do not consider you or do not value you.
So first of all, start working on your self-worth. And you will learn how to love yourself by clicking on the link.
Look around, pause. Are you really as lonely and unneeded as you think? There is such a thing as tunnel consciousness. This is when a person is so fixated on something that his vision seems to narrow. And he is able to notice only what interests him at the moment. Therefore, if you feel the pain that no one in this world cares about you, do the following exercise. Write a list of 5 people who show even the slightest sympathy for you. And next to each of them, indicate at least 3 situations in which this manifested itself.
Perhaps you simply devalue, or do not notice that others are sincere with you, but you simply do not let them closer? Or are you simply frightening with your desire to “dig into” another, to “emotionally merge” with him? Even in families, this behavior occurs and causes horror. Not every person is ready to withstand a psychological merger, even with a beloved and valuable partner. Encroachments on his freedom and at least some independence can be repulsive.
So, before you get upset and hurt, remember, maybe there are people who care about you, but you just don't have enough of what they can give you?
Explore, what gives you pleasure in this life? And when you don’t know what to do, start this activity. A hobby is the best way to relieve tension, relax and feel satisfaction. And you will become more interesting to those around you. New acquaintances will appear who share your hobbies. This means that at least occasionally you will be able to feel the closeness and presence of another person in your life. His participation and interest.
And that’s all for today, dear readers! Loneliness causes difficult feelings, and if you realize that you cannot cope with them on your own, seek help. Let them go to relatives, friends, specialists. The main thing is not to isolate yourself, and be attentive to your condition.
Happiness and health to you!
The material was prepared by psychologist, Gestalt therapist, Alina Zhuravina.
Loneliness is not as simple a phenomenon as it might seem at first glance. It can be pathological or normal, be a conscious choice of a person or a consequence of his failure in life. If you are looking for ways to get rid of loneliness, then you probably don’t enjoy it, which means you didn’t choose it. Or did they choose without realizing it? It is from this position that I propose to consider this issue.
Loneliness is a person’s detachment from the real world (physical, mental, spiritual) due to the reluctance or impossibility of establishing contacts with others. According to the theory of K. Rogers, loneliness is caused by the contradictions of the individual with his own self; This is a variant of maladaptation (problem with assimilation of social experience).
Loneliness is always based on opposite poles of feelings. That is, a person simultaneously feels, for example, fear and interest.
An extreme version of pathological loneliness is autism (the inability to establish social contacts with subsequent isolation). This is an independent clinical disease that requires appropriate psychotherapeutic assistance. Therefore, in this article I will not describe autism.
Instead, we will talk about non-pathological forms, which, as a rule, conceal a feeling of misunderstanding, lack of recognition, unlove, lack of support, and more. Perhaps every person has experienced non-pathological loneliness to one degree or another. As E. Fromm’s concept states, loneliness is an integral feature of human existence.
Two supporting positions clearly differentiate pathology from the norm:
Existential loneliness is the broadest level. In addition to this, social and psychological loneliness are distinguished.
I would like to introduce you to several classifications of loneliness.
The first is based on the psychological mechanisms of how an individual perceives his condition and the characteristics of loneliness itself.
A person is aware of his condition and its cause. The mechanism of detachment is activated (from norms, values, people, the whole world).
The identification mechanism is enabled. A person dissolves so much in society that he loses himself. He doesn't understand himself and is scared. Sometimes a person is not aware of the alienation from himself.
Closer to pathology than others. It manifests itself as a mixture of identification and exclusion mechanisms. First, a person “dissolves” in someone, accepts him unconditionally and begins to see himself in him (which is bad). Gradually, he begins to see his own undesirable qualities in this person. First there is a partial detachment, and then a complete one.
Something to strive for. It is a balance between self-knowledge (reflection, self-regulation, social resilience) and identification with society. It's about about maintaining one’s uniqueness while maintaining social contacts.
The second classification is based on determining the type of lonely people and expressing their subjectivity.
People who are completely renounced from society and are not satisfied with their relationships. They do not have a permanent partner or spouse, or a social circle. They don't even communicate with their neighbors. They feel abandoned and empty. At the same time, they tend to blame others (family, ex-spouses, friends) for their loneliness.
They have many social contacts and connections, are active, but need loved ones and intimate relationships, which makes them periodically feel abandoned.
These are people who constantly feel loneliness, need close connections, but are resigned and do not try to change anything, often hiding their true state (“I don’t need anyone. I have me. Everything is fine”).
Recently, words and phrases containing “existence”, that is, “existence,” have become very popular. Existentialism is a direction in philosophy about the very essence of human existence.
Those who believe in the loneliness of all souls are susceptible to existential loneliness. That is, everything that a person has that is permanent is the soul. Otherwise, he is alone, and outside of his personality he does not feel support and support in the world as such. An adherent of this worldview believes that each person is unique in his feelings and thoughts, and therefore is always alone.
Lonely people can be noticed in a crowd, despite the fact that their loneliness takes on other forms. Lonely people:
Thus, a lonely person is either too friendly to be rejected, or too rude to be rejected again. Sometimes mixed behavior occurs. That is, a person does not have standard models of interaction with people. Depending on the type of loneliness, it results in aggression or depression. One way or another, a lonely person is not happy.
The most popular reason for loneliness is the fear of rejection. Often this prevents a person from leaving his comfort zone and trying new role, which increases the feeling of inner emptiness. It turns out to be a vicious circle.
Thus, the reasons for loneliness include:
There are also more global causes of loneliness:
That is, everything that separates people from each other or divides them into different “camps”.
Overcoming loneliness is achieving freedom. This is based on activity, first of all, labor and (according to the theory of E. Fromm). The structure of loneliness includes subjectivity and self-actualization. This is what I propose to work with. I’ll say right away: you need to work (for you!), it will be difficult and painful, but over time it will be interesting and enjoyable.
Every person wants (whatever, he needs it) to be understood, recognized and in demand in his own mind and in the eyes of other people. With these facts and their harmony, a person will not feel lonely.
It is important to understand that loneliness is an integral part of our life, and according to A. Maslow, it is the highest need to achieve self-actualization of the individual. It's not loneliness you can't stand, but yourself. Loneliness should be manageable and necessary for self-discovery. That is, it is necessary not to get rid of loneliness, but to transfer it from destructive to constructive (creating personality, not destroying). But it is important to remember that, on the other hand, loneliness in the form of long-term social deprivation (unmet needs) is dangerous and not natural for a person.
Remember, you are not alone. You are potentially free! And in the end, there are only two points in overcoming loneliness: make friends (sort out, understand) with yourself, and then with others.
Loneliness drives people crazy (literally, alienating, diffuse and dissociated loneliness can become pathological) and pushes them to make mistakes that only make the situation worse. Common mistakes when dealing with loneliness include:
Thus, loneliness is a feeling of lack (loss) of something or someone personally significant in a person’s life. It is dangerous for a person: it threatens his freedom, individuality and identity.
But on the other hand, we can say that this is a specific version of self-perception, self-awareness. By taming loneliness, you can find confidence in the uniqueness of yourself and others, and realize the value of human relationships. Tamed loneliness is the basis for building trusting relationships with yourself and others.
If you cannot cope with loneliness on your own, or you are tormented by suicidal thoughts, then be sure to visit a specialist!
If you are experiencing the cognitive dissonance(internal discrepancy, contradiction), and you probably experience it, then I recommend reading the article. Some recommendations are also given there. To analyze issues of fear and anxiety, jealousy, and uncertainty, I suggest reading the articles.
Be a unique, self-sufficient, constantly developing personality, and then none of the possible loneliness will overtake you. Remember that you have many alternative choices. And this is wonderful, not scary!
