Are you familiar with any of the following situations:
In all cases, we are dealing with manifestations of insecure behavior. All people, without exception, periodically experience awkwardness when experiencing such moments. It’s another matter when such manifestations become a pattern in human behavior. Such a life turns into an endless hell, and it would seem there is no way out of the vicious circle of troubles. Salvation here is seen in developing self-confidence.
This article is devoted to various aspects of confident behavior. It contains both theoretical material, as well as practical recommendations for developing skills of confident behavior.
The problem of aggressive behavior of an individual, although it is one of the most pressing at the present stage of development of society, reminds the scientific community of a huge cornerstone, which in appearance is easy to approach, but finding a fulcrum favorable for moving and moving it in practice is not an easy task. Indeed, today there is a understandable definition of the concept of “aggressive behavior”; there are a number of scientific approaches to explaining this phenomenon, bookshelves and network search engines are replete with scientific and practical publications on the correction of aggressive behavior, but... It is difficult to clearly determine the very nature of aggressive behavior, the boundaries of its, so to speak, localization in the system of a person’s life activity, and even more so the specifics of its differences from other types of individual behavior. Confident behavior raises similar issues. There is no clear definition. Often, assertive behavior is used either as a synonym or as simply a translation of the concept “assertive behavior.” In analyzing the latter, psychologists have not yet shown miracles of scientific clarification. Thus, Salter (1949) identified only a number of the most important characteristics of confident behavior, the number of which and their very logical sequence have not been sufficiently verified. A.A. Lazarus (1973) identified four important classes of behavior that are united by the concept of assertive behavior. At the same time, the author invests in understanding this phenomenon cognitive aspects, such as attitudes, life philosophy and assessments. According to the researcher, is assertive behavior meaningful? these are: 1) the ability to say “no”; 2) the ability to talk openly about feelings and demands; 3) the ability to establish contacts, start and end a conversation; 4) the ability to openly express positive and negative feelings. In a formal context, this behavior includes: 1) facial expressions, gestures; 2) use of “I”; 3) eye contact; 4) posture; 5) intonation.
Domestic researchers position confident behavior both as a “parenting style” and as a “style of business behavior.” V. G. Romek presents confidence as “a generalized positive cognitive-emotional attitude towards one’s own skills.” Ushakov's explanatory dictionary of the Russian language presents the concept of “confident” as completely convinced of something, firmly believing in someone or something. Self-confidence in Russian? it is being true to yourself, believing in yourself and your strengths. Faith in itself is positive; unbelief carries a negative content. Thus, confident behavior can in a broad sense words are interpreted as loyalty to certain internal and external principles, manifested in behavior, combined with faith in oneself and one’s own strengths. However, the analysis of the presented material? just one of the attempts to come to a more or less clear definition, the essence of which is not yet clear in psychology. Despite all of the above, a number of practice-oriented firms using modern business technologies will teach anyone the skills of assertive behavior, i.e. that very behavior, a clear definition of which and differences, for example, from aggressive behavior, modern scientific thought has not yet proposed.
Any definition that is torn from an established series of related scientific concepts sooner or later reveals both scientific and practical inconsistency. That is why, to scientifically evaluate the concept of confident behavior, we will try to compare it with such a definition as aggressive behavior. The prerequisites for understanding the phenomenon of confident behavior in the system of such concepts as aggressive and uncertain behavior have appeared before. Thus, A. Lange and P. Jakubowski believed that confidence is something between aggressiveness and uncertainty, something that has clear differences from both one and the other. Approaches to understanding the definition of “personal confidence” have been more developed in science, which is interpreted as one of the most important basic properties personality, rather than to the interpretation of the concept of “confident behavior” and its connection with other types of behavioral activity of the individual. Let's try to analyze the concept of “confident behavior” through the prism of such a phenomenon as “aggressive behavior”, to find the common and different between these two concepts.
Modern scientific sources offer many and often far from unambiguous definitions of the concept of “aggressive behavior.” In foreign studies, what is common in all the variety of interpretations of the concept is the idea of aggressive behavior as inherently harmful.
Domestic scientific thought is also inclined to understand the analyzed behavior as aimed at causing harm to another. This is evidenced, in particular, by the following definitions of the phenomenon of interest to us. E. V. Zmanovskaya interprets aggressive behavior as “behavior aimed at suppressing or causing harm to another living being who does not want such treatment.” In the psychological dictionary under the general editorship of A.V. Petrovsky, M.G. Yaroshevsky, aggressive behavior is considered as “a specific form of human action characterized by a demonstration of superiority in force or the use of force in relation to another person or group of persons to whom the subject seeks to cause harm” . But this general concept is significantly transformed in the interpretations given within the framework of various psychological theories and approaches. What is common to various approaches in the field of defining aggressive behavior is the understanding that it is fundamentally harmful.
In order to more clearly reflect the very specifics of aggressive behavior, let us supplement the previously proposed definition by E. V. Zmanovskaya with such an important component as the participation of the emotional-volitional sphere of the individual in the behavioral act itself.
Emotions and will are often combined into one emotional-volitional sphere. The specificity of the will is a mechanism that ensures overcoming difficulties, or, in other words, negative emotional states. The volitional aspect in any human manifestation cannot be discounted: both its presence and its absence. If we consider two such definitions as aggressive and confident behavior, then in this dichotomy a significant difference will be observed precisely in the reflection of the emotional-volitional sphere of the individual in the behavioral act itself, or more precisely in the relationship between the three important psychological blocks of the presented sphere: emotion - volitional effort - behavioral Act. Aggressive behavior involves:
Confident behavior is based on:
Quite often, when describing the reasons for demonstrating aggressive behavior, aggressors use the following: “if you piss me off...”, “until they push me to the point...”, in other words, until a situation arises in which emotion becomes virtually the only impetus for the manifestation of behavior (in this case case of aggressive), bypassing volitional effort. Thus, this effort is depleted to zero as a result of medium or long-term “finishing”. This fact, along with numerous studies of the nature and patterns of affective aggressive reactions of people of different age groups, once again testifies in favor of the connection between the emotional, volitional and behavioral components in the system of the origin and manifestation of aggressive behavior.
Thus, the updated version of the definition looks like this.
Aggressive behavior- behavior based on the prevalence of a negative emotional background, with minimal participation of volitional effort, aimed at suppressing or harming another living being who does not want such treatment.
The refined version of the definition immediately eliminates a number of discrepancies found in modern scientific and popular science literature, when aggressive behavior is positioned as “one of the types of confident behavior of an individual” or as “a form of manifestation of confidence in one’s own strengths and one’s own well-being.” In this case, we are most likely talking about such a psychological phenomenon as self-confident behavior, when the assessment of one’s own emotional state is distorted (replacement of self-control) along with changes in the individual’s self-esteem (inflated self-esteem, which manifests itself in a negative emotional background in relation to others and positive emotional state towards oneself). This type of behavior can be interpreted as reciprocal, i.e. returning the personality to earlier – aggressive forms of reaction.
The proposed three-part model for assessing behavior also allows us to formulate the concept of confident behavior.
Confident behavior– behavior based on the prevalence of a positive emotional background, with the aim of externally implementing a certain system of ideas based on a positive attitude towards oneself and others. In other words, not every emotional reaction and internal reasoning translates into behavior. An emotion goes through a certain number of “siftings” through a system of attitudes and ideas. Moreover, this system of personality ideas is nothing more than the basis for the inclusion of volitional effort in a behavioral act, the very one that is minimally represented within aggressive behavior. Another difference between confident behavior and aggressive behavior is the prevalence of a positive emotional background during its implementation. Whereas when aggressive behavior is manifested, a person is under the power of a negative emotional background (sadness, despondency, anger, disgust, despair, resentment, disappointment, annoyance).
Thus, the relationship between aggressive and confident behavior in the system of psychological interpretation of an individual’s behavioral activity can be reflected using three psychological blocks: emotion – volitional effort – behavioral act.
Aggressive behavior: emotion (–) – volitional effort (–) – behavioral act (– –).
Confident behavior: emotion (+) – volitional effort (+) – behavioral act (+ +).
Self-confidence refers to a person’s ability to make demands and requests in interaction with the social environment and achieve their implementation. In addition, confidence includes the ability to allow oneself to have requests and demands (attitudes towards oneself), to dare to express them (lack of social fear and inhibition) and to have the skills to implement them (social skills).
Confident behavior is about self-expression without harming others.
The essential characteristics of confident behavior are:
1. Optimism and self-efficacy. In other words, this characteristic of a person can be described as a feeling of self-confidence: faith in the good, the best, the bright. This complex of emotional-cognitive characteristics is described as follows: at most points in time, a person highly (positively) evaluates his skills and abilities, the likelihood of fulfilling desires and achieving personal goals. Successes are considered personal merit, shortcomings are attributed to temporary unfavorable circumstances. Habitual positive assessments prevent self-deprecation in any of its forms and the humiliation of other people.
2. Openness. All desires, feelings, requests, demands and claims are expressed in an open form, in the first person. Orders, advice, instructions, generalized assessments are reformulated into “I-statements.” Few people raise categorical objections to this kind of verbalization and prevent misunderstandings and false interpretations. Most psychologists agree on this point, using other synonymous names (congruence, truth, self-identity, etc.)
3. Spontaneity. Actions are taken spontaneously, without much thought or postponing the decisive conversation. Possible misunderstandings are resolved not as a result of intrigues and scandals, but in an open and honest conversation. The reaction to the different behavior of others is different and immediate (non-delayed).
4. Acceptance. Open, spontaneous and appropriate statements and actions of other people (regardless of their “polarity”) are taken seriously and are accompanied by a reaction that is adequate to the inner feeling. Moreover, it is spontaneous and open reactions that are supported.
The ethics of assertive behavior is that the differing needs, opinions and rights of different people are listened to, accepted and compared in order to find the most acceptable form of their satisfaction, acceptance or protection for all.
There are very obvious and easy-to-observe behavioral characteristics that distinguish confident people.
First of all, a self-confident person always highly evaluates his capabilities. He believes that his own strength is abundantly enough to complete almost any task set for himself. A confident person always speaks openly about his feelings, desires and demands, knows how to refuse, is able to establish contacts, start and end a conversation. He is not afraid to set new goals for himself and enthusiastically takes on their implementation.
Confident people speak loudly, but do not shout, often look into the eyes of their interlocutor, but do not “drill” into him with their eyes, and always maintain a certain communication distance, without approaching the interlocutor closely. They know how to pause in a conversation, rarely interrupt their partners, and are able to express their thoughts clearly and clearly. Confident people speak openly about their feelings, desires and claims, accompanying them with a brief and clear justification, often use the pronoun “I”, and are not afraid to express personal opinions. You rarely hear insults, reproaches, or accusations from confident people. They express all claims to others on their own behalf. It cannot be said that these abilities are formed by themselves or that a person is already born confident. Like all socio-psychological qualities of a person, self-confidence is formed during socialization, that is, in interaction with the social environment.
What about a person who lacks self-confidence? In relationships with others, such people are afraid (or simply do not know how) to express their opinions, talk about their desires and needs. In the end, they not only stop actively working to achieve their goals, but also stop setting themselves any goals at all, losing faith in themselves and the reality of realizing their own intentions.
main feature of an insecure person is that in social activities such a person seeks to avoid any forms of personal self-expression. Demonstration of one's own opinions, achievements, desires or needs is either extremely unpleasant (due to fear, shame, guilt associated with self-expression), or impossible (due to the lack of appropriate skills), or does not make sense within the framework of his system of values and ideas.
In reality, of course, we most often deal with a complex combination and interdependence of these three factors, which together lead to the refusal of personal and individual participation in social life. There is not only a refusal to actively take action to achieve certain goals, but also a refusal of these goals as such, a lack of faith in oneself and the reality of realizing one’s own intentions.
The first person to seriously study self-doubt and try to find ways to correct, treat or weaken its neurotic influence was Andre Salter, the owner and chief physician of a fairly large and wealthy neurosis clinic in America. Referring to the theory of I.P. Pavlov, Salter suggested that the cause of uncertainty may be the predominance of inhibition processes over excitation processes, leading to the formation of an “inhibitory” personality, incapable of open and spontaneous expression of one’s feelings, desires and needs, limited in self-realization and experiencing as a result of this, difficulties in contacts with other people. According to Salter, most of his contemporaries suffered to one degree or another from this kind of disturbance of the nervous balance. Based on his clinical experience, Salter identified and described six characteristics of a healthy, confident personality.
A confident personality is characterized by:
1. emotionality of speech, which corresponds to the open, spontaneous and genuine expression in speech of all the feelings he experiences. By this Salter understood, firstly, the openness of the individual. From his point of view, a confident person “calls his feelings by their proper names” and does not force his conversation partner(s) to guess what exactly the feeling is behind his words. Secondly, a self-confident person expresses feelings spontaneously, that is, at the moment when they arose. Thirdly, a confident person talks about exactly the feelings that he experiences. He does not seek to hide or “soften” the manifestations of his both positive and negative feelings;
2. expressiveness and congruence of behavior and speech, which means a clear expression of feelings and correspondence between words and non-verbal behavior;
3. direct and honest expression of one’s own opinion, without regard to others;
4. use of the pronoun “I” in speech;
5. the ability to listen to praise addressed to oneself without embarrassment. They are not characterized by self-deprecation and underestimation of their strengths and qualities;
6. ability to improvise, i.e. to spontaneous expression of feelings and needs.
This characteristic suitable for children preschool age. They are emotional, spontaneous, expressive, open, cheerful. What happens as you grow older? Where does the natural and confident behavior of a child disappear?
There are several complementary explanations for the causes of self-doubt. The simplest explanation comes from Albert Bandura's theory of “learning from models.” According to this theory, a new repertoire of aggressive, confident or uncertain behavior skills arises as a result of imitation - the child copying those behavioral stereotypes that he observes around him. Parents, relatives, and friends serve as “models” for copying. As a result, a confident, aggressive or insecure personality appears as a kind of “cast” of behavioral patterns that dominate in the environment surrounding the child.
Another, no less popular explanation of uncertainty can be considered the theory of “learned helplessness” by Martin Seligman. He suggested that the formation of a child’s personality is influenced not only by “models” used for copying, but also by the reaction of parents, and more broadly, by the entire surrounding social environment, to this or that behavior of the child. This feedback allows (or does not allow) the child to correlate different stereotypes of social behavior with different reactions of the social environment. The nature of the connection between the child’s behavior patterns and the reaction of the environment (the behavior of the parents) determines the positive, healthy, or disturbed development of the child. In the second case, so-called “learned helplessness” may occur.
Seligman defines helplessness as a state that occurs in a situation where external events do not depend on us, and we cannot do anything to prevent or modify them. The feeling of helplessness arises when external events occur completely independently of our voluntary actions (objective conditions of helplessness), or if it seems to us that they occur independently of us (subjective conditions). As a result of the temporal combination of active voluntary actions and uncontrollable consequences, a sad result arises - the motivation for any actions that involve changes in the external environment is lost.
So, learned helplessness occurs when the child either does not receive any response to his actions at all (a situation, for example, orphanage, where the attention of educators is distributed to a large number of children); or receives monotonous negative (“they will punish you anyway”) or monotonous positive (“mama’s boy”) feedback.
Further, another explanation for uncertainty may be the absence or lack of faith in the effectiveness of one's own actions. Low self-efficacy arises as a result of massive negative assessments from loved ones, educators, and teachers, which subsequently change into negative self-assessments of one’s own intentions and capabilities. These negative self-evaluations block, on the one hand, social initiative, and on the other hand, cause negative (unpleasant) emotions.
Arnold Lazarus was the first to draw attention to “behavioral deficits” as one of the causes of self-doubt. He suggested that the cause of self-doubt may be a lack of modes of behavior that should ensure full mastery of social reality, rigidity and non-adaptiveness of a small number of behavioral alternatives. Lazarus called the lack of behavioral alternatives and behavioral skills a “behavioral deficit,” and suggested that its absence be considered the basis of self-confidence.
From the above explanations of the reasons for uncertainty, it follows that a child is born with certain inclinations and abilities, perhaps with some physical or mental disabilities. These inclinations, abilities and shortcomings make the task of socialization easier or more difficult, but do not directly and directly determine the formation of the level of self-confidence. At the initial stage of socialization, many factors play a role in the formation of confidence, but first of all, the variety of opportunities for acquiring (copying, learning) new social skills and the variety of adequate and immediate reactions to these skills in the social environment.
Otherwise, there is a “negative” option. Uncertainty is formed in a situation when
As a result, an insecure person achieves less in life. Life itself, any form of activity for him is associated with a mass of negative experiences, these experiences, in turn, affect the health of the person himself and his loved ones. In a broader context, a society or organization in which insecure people live and work lacks the initiative of its members. In such a society or organization, stagnation dominates, too much energy is spent on useless discussions and doubts. Reasonable cooperation of people to implement common intentions does not arise; everyone lives within the framework of their own (rather painful) world.
One of Salter’s students and collaborators, Joseph Volpe, discovered that social fear experienced by a person in certain situations plays a significant role in the emergence of uncertainty.
Thus, fear and the behavior associated with it are learned, automated, maintained and reproduced, spreading to related social situations. Social fear manifests itself in the most various forms and in a variety of situations.
Joseph Volpe identified and described the fears in detail:
To one degree or another, these fears, of course, are present in the psyche of any person. The problem with those who are insecure is that social fear becomes their dominant feeling, blocking their social activity. Psychologists have found that feelings of guilt and shame also play a significant role in the emergence of insecurity - along with deficits in social behavior skills.
Scientists emphasize the key role of self-esteem in confident behavior. Social fear, under certain conditions, provokes some negative self-verbalizations (“I can’t handle this...”, “This is beyond my strength,” etc.) At the same time, a person’s attention is concentrated on negative attitudes, and confident behavior is inhibited. The resulting experience of failure is reinforced. The unpleasant experience is stored in the form of mental images and emotional reactions. The resulting situation of failure and negative experience reduces self-confidence, which in turn causes uncertainty.
In addition, past experiences also determine the way you evaluate yourself. A person asks himself the question: what do I look like, how would I like to look, how others presumably perceive me. Self-doubt arises as a result of negative assessments, a “disturbed self-image”; one’s own achievements are underestimated in comparison with others. As a result, the individual begins to habitually negatively evaluate himself, his achievements, abilities and goals.
Uncertainty is also characterized by insufficiently clear formulations of intentions; incomplete action plans; a negative assessment of the results of actions leading to the emergence of “defective” or “deficient” behavioral stereotypes. Thus, attitudes towards one’s own person, self-verbalization and self-esteem of a person decisively influence a person’s behavior and form the type of confident or uncertain behavior.
Based on many other studies, we can assume that self-confidence is a personality trait, the core of which is the individual’s positive assessment of his own skills and abilities as sufficient to achieve goals that are significant to him and satisfy his needs. The basis for the formation of this kind of assessment is a sufficient behavioral repertoire, positive experience in solving social problems and successfully achieving one’s own goals (satisfying needs). To build self-confidence, it is not so much objective success in life, status, money, etc. that is important, but a subjective positive assessment of the results of one’s own actions and the assessment that follows from significant people. Positive assessments of the presence, “quality” and effectiveness of one’s own skills and abilities determine social courage in setting new goals and defining tasks, as well as the initiative with which a person takes on their implementation. However, positive assessments of one’s own behavioral repertoire presuppose the presence of some behavioral “foundation” for these assessments.
Uncertainty is characterized by:
Thus, attitudes towards one’s own person, self-verbalization and self-esteem of a person decisively influence a person’s behavior and form the type of confident or uncertain behavior.
Based on these and many other studies, we can assume that self-confidence is a personality trait, the core of which is the individual’s positive assessment of his own skills and abilities as sufficient to achieve goals that are significant to him and satisfy his needs. The basis for the formation of this kind of assessment is the positive experience of solving social problems and successfully achieving one’s own goals (satisfying needs). To build self-confidence, it is important to have a subjective positive assessment of the results of one’s own actions and the assessments that follow from significant people. Positive assessments of the presence, “quality” and effectiveness of one’s own skills and abilities determine social courage in setting new goals and defining tasks, as well as the initiative with which a person takes on their implementation.
Numerous cultural and socio-political prerequisites have a special relationship to confident and uncertain manifestations of individuality. Public goals and collective responsibility for the results of actions in recent history have been valued above personal goals and personal responsibility. Using the pronoun “I” is a rather awkward form of expression in a society ruled by a party consisting of “we”. And if you happened to say “I,” then after “I” you had to constantly add “on behalf of our organization,” “I, like all the people, like all the people of my city, like all progressive humanity.” So it’s convenient, profitable, socially approved, normative and no personal responsibility. “I am the last letter in the alphabet,” the teachers repeated.
But such a statement is false and unproductive. People are many selves. Progressive humanity is made up of different people, with different selves, with different motivations and to varying degrees agreement with the opinion accepted as normative. Moreover, it is the opinion of the minority, and at decisive moments of history - of individuals, which is even lexically difficult to express in an impersonal form or in the third person (“there is an opinion”, “some believe”), which often has a decisive influence on the adoption of the most creative and productive decisions. Sometimes it happens that personal opinions, doubts, desires and values are not accepted by the social environment. And this leads to sanctions from the social environment. In other words: is it good to speak explicitly and openly about your desires, opinions and feelings? Doesn't it turn out that a person who is confident in himself is a person who overestimates his capabilities and does not know how to hide his emotions and feelings? Indeed, self-confidence is an overestimation of the positive aspects of one’s skills and abilities, an overestimation of the chances that the world around us provides us, it is self-confidence. But it is precisely this positive assessment that allows its owner to take on a lot and achieve a lot at a time when the insecure person constantly doubts and cannot make a decision.
Regarding the expression of emotions: a confident person often expresses emotions, and feelings that others do not care about. But this is precisely what helps him become the life of the party, make new friends, saves him from loneliness, etc.
Is it possible to achieve self-respect without humiliating others? Is it possible to be confident in yourself and not destroy others' self-confidence? Are there ways to treat yourself and others with respect? Of course you can, of course they exist. It’s just that we don’t have a sense of self-confidence and we don’t know how to interact respectfully, and therefore we can’t teach others. The environment itself, society itself and the norms accepted in it are “not tuned” to self-confidence and self-affirmation.
There are many facts that make it difficult to develop self-esteem and self-confidence:
For quite a long time, aggressiveness and arrogance on the one hand, and uncertainty and passivity on the other, they tried to present and analyze as some polar qualities that are unacceptable from ethical, medical and economic point vision. It has been proven many times that aggression and insecurity negatively affect health, both physical and social, economic indicators, family income, etc. The development of this line of research has led to one important result: uncertainty and aggressiveness have come to be understood as two different forms of manifestation of lack of self-confidence.
If a partner humiliates others, is rude, or rude, and such behavior becomes his lifestyle, this is evidence of personal insecurity. It is safe to say that they are humiliated due to lack of education and the inability to achieve their goals in another way.
At the same time, self-confidence allows one to gain such a personality quality as social competence. Social competence is defined as a special skill, the ability to find a compromise between self-realization and social adaptation, the ability to achieve the maximum fulfillment of one’s own desires, without infringing on the rights of others to fulfill their own desires. It is assumed that if in all actions and verbalizations a person limits himself to informing others about his rights and desires, and does not allow any pressure on partners, then this itself gives the partner the right to agree or reject the request or demand.
Social competence is the result of a special style of confident behavior, in which confidence skills (different in the sphere of official and interpersonal relationships) are automated and make it possible to flexibly change strategies and plans of behavior, taking into account the narrow (features of the social situation) and broad (social norms and conditions) context. This understanding of the relationship between self-confidence, aggressiveness and social competence has become the basis for solving the ethical problem of self-affirmation, which in one way or another affects the personal interests of other people or public interests.
Socially competent people have certain communication abilities. Four groups of skills have been identified, which are sufficient for full-fledged life activity, and, consequently, for self-confidence:
1. The ability to speak openly about your desires and requirements.
The use of “We” does not contribute to the open expression of needs, desires, and, especially, demands. Many will have to give up their personal desires in favor of the opinions and desires of the majority. It is difficult to imagine such a close-knit team in which common goals would best meet the needs of its individual participants (people are, after all, different).
2. The ability to say “No.” And with this skill certain problems arise, very similar to those just described. A unanimous, collective “No” is very difficult to achieve. Desires, goals, values, level of intelligence, etc. - everything is individual.
3. The ability to talk openly about your feelings.
Expressing your own feelings openly without using the pronoun “I” is impossible. It is difficult for a generation accustomed to “We” to express personal feelings.
4. Ability to initiate, maintain and end a conversation.
The presence of these skills is a necessary, but not yet sufficient prerequisite for self-confidence. Analyzing the characteristics of self-confident behavior, psychologists were faced with the problem of determining the fine line between confidence and aggressiveness.
Some didn't see any difference between them at all. Moreover, training in assertive and aggressive self-affirmation was practiced as a method of correcting uncertainty. Others believed that confidence was somewhere between aggressiveness and uncertainty, something that had clear differences from both. Still others argued that aggressiveness and uncertainty are essentially two different forms of manifestation of lack of confidence, in which energy unrealized in external interaction, caused by the actualization of certain needs, is transferred either inside the body itself and leads to auto-destruction (most often to neuroticism), or turns against others and leads to unjustified aggressiveness. But most authors believe that aggressiveness and uncertainty represent two different properties personality. This is confirmed, in particular, by the very low correlations on the scales of aggression and self-confidence.
A high degree of confidence and aggressiveness can coincide if by aggressive actions a person easily and reliably achieves the fulfillment of his needs and does not see any negative side effects. In this case, aggressiveness should be understood as another, along with confidence, individual personality trait. Likewise, insecurity and aggression can coexist if someone's behavioral repertoire includes only aggressive behavior. Even if aggressiveness does not bring anything, a person continues to behave aggressively whenever, overcoming uncertainty, he nevertheless decides to do something. But most often, self-confident people are extremely rarely aggressive, since other, non-aggressive actions are quite sufficient for a life that suits them.
The definition of aggressiveness as an instinctively characteristic human quality is erroneous and does not help to understand this model of behavior. Aggressive behavior is most accurately defined as an inappropriate response to irritation.
The table below shows patterns of behavior typical of actors whose behavior is insecure, confident or aggressive. The same table shows the most obvious consequences of such behavior for the person towards whom the actions are directed.
Uncertain (passive) |
Aggressive |
Confident |
As a character |
As a character |
As a character |
Infringes on its interests |
Infringes on the interests of others |
Satisfied with myself |
Experiences feelings of awkwardness and dissatisfaction with oneself |
Decides for others |
Can achieve the desired goal |
|
As the person towards whom the behavior is directed |
As the person towards whom the behavior is directed |
Feels guilty and angry |
Experiences feelings of resentment and humiliation |
Feels a sense of satisfaction |
An actor who reacts passively in a conflict situation usually deprives himself of the opportunity to express his feelings. As a result of such a reaction, he feels disadvantaged, since by allowing others to decide for himself, he rarely achieves the desired goal.
A person who strives for self-expression and resorts to extremes of aggressive behavior usually achieves his goal by infringing on the interests and pride of others. Aggressive behavior usually humiliates the person towards whom it is directed. His rights are violated, he experiences feelings of resentment, anger and humiliation. Although an aggressive person may achieve his goal, he, at the same time, can create feelings of hatred, anger and resentment, which can later manifest themselves as retaliation.
On the contrary, confident behavior in the same situation will cause a feeling of satisfaction in the actor. Honest expression of feelings usually leads to the achievement of the intended goal, and as a result the actor experiences a feeling of satisfaction.
If these three behavior patterns are considered from the point of view of the person towards whom they are directed, a similar situation is noticed. Passive as well as aggressive behavior often evokes a wide range of feelings towards the passive or aggressive person - from feelings of sympathy to feelings of anger and contempt. And, on the contrary, acting confidently, a person expresses his feelings, achieves his goal and remains satisfied with himself, without humiliating or suppressing the other, that is, without causing sharply negative emotions towards himself.
Should and can a person always act confidently? Is there one “right” way to behave in a certain situation? After all, people are so different.
Does not exist " the right way“solve all problems in life or a “magic formula” that will put everything in its place. However, a self-affirming course of action in most cases helps to achieve the goal. The most important thing is the ability to stand up for yourself when the situation demands it. Expressing your feelings in a confident way, that is, standing up for yourself without infringing on the interests of others, is almost always possible. Unfortunately, for many people this choice is not possible. They are influenced by their habits, influenced by other people, influenced by circumstances and are unable to make the right choice for themselves.
People generally know how to act only passively or only aggressively. They are able to either be controlled by others or control others themselves and are unable to act in self-affirming ways.
Passivity as a common behavior style, and passivity in certain situations
Passivity as a common style of behavior is characteristic of people who are characterized only by a passive reaction in any life situations. Such a person is usually shy and reserved, he is constantly “in the lead” of others.
In cases where most others even try to protest when their rights are violated, such a person will suffer in silence. For example, when some, breaking the silence in the hall during a performance, deprive others of the opportunity to hear the actors, most of us will politely ask them to stop making noise. A person for whom passivity is a normal behavior style will endure and suffer in silence. Moreover, he will even mentally reproach himself: “I’m probably selfish.” People who have this style of behavior ask permission to do what many others consider their birthright.
A person for whom passivity is a normal behavior usually has a low opinion of himself and feels awkward in almost all situations. The feeling of inferiority and emotional discomfort that such people constantly experience most likely requires the attention of a professional psychologist. Passivity in certain situations is characteristic of that category of people whose behavior is usually confident, but who in certain life situations experience significant stress, which prevents them from reacting correctly in these situations.
In cases of passivity exhibited in certain situations, we are dealing with relatively emotionally healthy people who want to act more effectively in situations in which they are currently experiencing difficulties.
Aggression as a common behavior style, and aggressiveness in certain situations
A confident style of behavior should not be confused with an aggressive one, as is often the case.
A confident style of behavior excludes humiliation of others or any manifestations of disrespect towards others.
By analogy with passive behavior in general and passive behavior in some situations, a typically aggressive individual is characterized by typically aggressive behavior in various situations.
From the outside, such a person gives the impression of being a highly self-confident person. Often this is the result of upbringing, when the boy is taught in the family that he must be strong, courageous, not yield to anyone in anything, etc.
Women's aggressiveness often manifests itself somewhat differently: it is the desire to dominate the conversation, to disregard other people's opinions and in all cases to have the last word. Such a person, usually an aggressive one, most often has bad or strained relationships with most of the people with whom he communicates. Such a person can be very sensitive to criticism and easily vulnerable. And even a small reason is enough to cause an aggressive reaction in him. Men with this quality are usually tyrants in the family, their wives always yield to them, and their children are afraid of them. They resort to physical punishment of children and beat their wives. An aggressive person of any gender is most often lonely and gloomy, he has difficulty communicating with friends and colleagues, and therefore he often has to change jobs.
Since he often offends others with his behavior, he has few friends, attempts to get closer to the people around him usually end in failure, he suffers and withdraws even more into himself.
A person who habitually behaves in an aggressive manner can overcome his inability to respond adequately in emotionally difficult life situations, but to do this he may need professional help psychiatrist.
A person who is aggressive in certain situations usually seeks help in solving a certain problem and readily listens to the advice of others on how to deal with such situations.
Aggressive and passive behavior manifests itself in various forms. Each of us sometimes acts aggressively or passively. In this sense, we are all aggressive or passive in certain situations. However, care must be taken to ensure that these extremes do not become the norm.
Do you avoid certain people or certain situations because you are afraid of them? Can you control these unwanted situations, or are they out of your control?
If you are often dissatisfied with yourself, if you cannot choose for yourself how you will act in a given situation, if your passivity or aggressiveness has not yet become your main form of behavior, then you should think carefully about correcting your behavior.
“All the world is a stage,” wrote William Shakespeare. - Men and women play a role assigned to them by fate. There is a way out for everyone.”
Stanislavsky came to a conclusion that is interesting for each of us: if a person wants to achieve something on stage, then he must consciously influence the creative processes in the subconscious. By the way, this is what the recommendations of numerous manuals for achieving success in business and personal life come down to.
Confident leadership behavior is manifested through image, or image. The concept of “image” includes not only appearance, it also means a particular behavior, a way of thinking, and a method of action included in group communication. To gain an image, it is necessary to change behavior in role activity. More than one concept is devoted to the peculiarities of this process, and among this diversity we can highlight Stanislavsky’s concept, which explains the process of acquiring an image from the position of playing roles.
The basis of any human aspirations is a super task; it implies the goal of activity, which lies in the implementation of the main tasks of life. The desire for a super task, according to Stanislavsky, is the core of human life. The ultimate task is hidden in our subconscious and is capable of subjugating any life situations. The super task provides a constant reminder to a person of the ultimate goal of his activity. And a person’s focus on a super task is carried out within the framework of end-to-end action, and not chaotically. By end-to-end action, Stanislavsky meant the scale of role behavior, which is composed of various fragments of human behavior.
Thus, a super-task and end-to-end action bring organization to the process of a person playing a role, allowing him to get used to these roles and make them part of his life. Any leader can direct this phenomenon in the right direction and, thus, bring the manifestation of his image to perfection.
The difficulty here is as follows: the leader is forced to play two roles, the first includes innate and acquired reactions during life; the second is a set of those reactions that correspond to the newly acquired image. Therefore, the activity of a leader presupposes the presence of two simultaneous super-tasks and, accordingly, cross-cutting actions.
At the same time, the second super task (formation of a newly acquired image) is a priority over the first. But it is precisely the first super task that determines everything that ensures a person’s role behavior within the framework of his new image.
Now let's try to figure out how the super task is formed. Stanislavsky believes that it is fixed in the psyche and exists in the form of a verbal formulation, which includes many verb phrases. After all, it is easier to use a verb to denote any action, but a super task implies precisely an action. In the formulation of the super task there are two verbs, one of them is motivating, the second is targeting a specific action. For example, “I want to do...”
Let's consider the situation. Suppose there is a certain team led by a leader. During the interaction, the leader acquired the nickname “shark”, since his behavior clearly showed such traits as self-confidence, assertiveness, excessive irritability, and rigidity. One day, the leader begins to understand that such an image harms his interaction with the team and, accordingly, affects productivity. He decides to change the image of a “shark” to a more friendly one, let’s say, the image of a “dolphin”, if we continue the fish theme. But before taking action aimed at changing the image, it is necessary to formulate a super task for the new image.
So, what do you think is the best formulation? way will fit for a new super task? Naturally, it must meet several parameters: firstly, the formulation must be an apt and vivid turn of phrase; secondly, it must touch the subconscious and encourage action; and thirdly, it must necessarily contain a targeting verb. In our case, this formulation may look like this: “I want to act according to the “dolphin” model!”
Now we have the phrase of the super task ready, but this is not enough. It is necessary to think through and clarify other details. After all, the formulation may have a more detailed form. Let's say: “I want to act according to the “dolphin” model. I want to show more friendliness and patience towards my subordinates. I want to earn their trust and encourage them to follow me.” But remember that you cannot formulate the ultimate goal in this form: “I want to be a “dolphin”!” To become a dolphin, we need to eliminate our innate super task, since it will contradict our new super task. And this is almost impossible to do. In the wording “I want to act according to the “dolphin” model”, the verb “act” aims our leader only at individual elements behaviors that involve a change in the pattern of interaction with people, but they do not require a complete change in the person’s personality. To change a behavior pattern, it is necessary to merge with the role that denotes a new image; this process involves three stages:
Action line analysis involves analyzing a role's actions first by major events and then by smaller events. And then, for each of the segments, formulate a super task and a cross-cutting action.
Therefore, in our case, the leader will first have to present in detail the elements of behavior of the “shark” model, then the elements of behavior of the “dolphin” model. The leader is given the task of blocking the traits of a “shark” and developing the qualities of a “dolphin”, and then forming a behavioral role that corresponds to his new image.
Confident behavior is impossible without inner balance. The foundation of our inner balance is formed by four senses:
Self-esteem
Self-respect is a very important feeling of self, it is inherent only in a person who has clear convictions and inevitably acts in accordance with his convictions.
Self-esteem and recognition of oneself by others are two different, largely opposite feelings of oneself. The calmer and more confident a person respects himself, the less he needs recognition from other people. And vice versa: the more a person craves recognition, the more desperately he boasts of his achievements, his property or connections, the more miserable his self-esteem becomes. We need popularity only when we lack self-confirmation and self-respect, first of all, self-respect.
It is necessary to clearly understand the difference between self-respect and recognition (self-validation). Confirmation is a statement of what a person is capable of. For example, the ability to read and write, proficiency foreign language, presence of a profession. Interest in a person, his attractiveness in the eyes of other people is also a confirmation of oneself. Recognition develops a person's self-confidence, but not self-esteem. Men and women who behave like they are in a chicken yard, who send sexual signals into an indifferent space, people in general who want others to admire them as they admire peacocks - they all experience and experience a lack of self-esteem. Such characters lack true respect for their partner, that is, the basis for true love.
Some individuals, especially women, believe that in order to achieve self-respect, one must certainly do something special, at least give birth to a child. Such “orthodoxies” focus on what others do to gain self-validation and through what actions others gain high social status. But following other people's models does not lead to self-respect. Self-respect comes to a person only when the person himself is honest, conscientious and impeccable. But a person can achieve confirmation of himself through actions that he considers worthy of his aspirations. Confirmation of oneself is carried out in an academic title, a political career, impressive wealth, an admirable car, or, in the most “ultimate” version, a glorifying obituary.
Normal self-respect is characteristic of people for whom it is quite natural to speak and act decently, honestly and conscientiously, in accordance with their beliefs. Arrogant pride is alien to these people, just as servile opportunism is alien to them. You need to have a good instinct to recognize the dignified modesty of such people, based on self-respect.
Normal self-respect is possessed by people for whom speaking and acting decently, honestly, conscientiously, following their convictions is a self-evident behavior. People who behave and act differently and destroy self-esteem with their lifestyle are not difficult to recognize. They always dodge, look for workarounds to fulfill their intentions. They make all kinds of excuses not to do something, or say the opposite of what they intend to do. They are insincere, they lie out of habit. “Cunning snakes” I call male and female individuals who do not take anything into account for their own benefit, who lie uncontrollably in order to exercise their influence and gain power.
All fanatics suffer from high self-esteem, especially self-important characters: religious, political and public figures. There are also scientists who confuse the value of their achievements with the value of their own person.
Along with self-esteem, there are two negative opposites associated with it:
Inner freedom
A person has his own inner freedom, capable of demanding and, at the same time, refusing his own demands. You feel inner freedom when you can calmly ignore a phone call when you don’t want to be interrupted. You experience inner freedom if, without explanation, you decline an invitation that you are not interested in. You have inner freedom if you find the courage to express your desire, even when you are sure that you will receive a refusal. Free is the one who does not hide his feelings and intentions. A free person simply says, “I don’t want to,” rather than pretending that he doesn’t have time. It would never occur to him to be a hypocrite in front of someone about something. Anyone who claims to use excuses to spare another person is actually afraid of becoming unpopular. He spares himself. The fear of losing popularity leads a person to lack of freedom. This is how the fear of disgrace is born, this is how an unpleasant feeling of embarrassment and embarrassment arises, this is how the color of shame flares up.
Only a person who feels free can be sincere and resourceful. Like that attractive woman who, when asked by her admirer whether she could be escorted and in which direction she was going, answered: “In the opposite direction.”
In order to feel internally free, you must have self-respect and be in harmony with your beliefs. Anyone who strives to be loved and seeks confirmation of self-love from others will never experience the feeling of an internally free person.
We cannot unmistakably recognize the normality of self-feelings - the real conscience in us and the knowledge about ourselves have become dulled. This knowledge, the “moral law in me” that Kant admired, cannot be instilled in us from the outside, neither through confessional moral teaching, nor through well-thought-out teaching of what is valued as socially desirable and decent, nor through socio-political ideology .
Social ideals turn out to be untenable if they are imposed on people from the outside, and do not become an internal conviction based on personally experienced insight.
The physician and philosopher Paul Dahlke (1865-1928) spoke about this with amazing clarity: “The true coercion of a person comes, ultimately, not from things, but from thinking, therefore there is no coercion from the outside, there is self-coercion. Indeed: a person is forced to do something only when he forces himself. And this is only possible when a person has realized the necessity of what he must force himself to do. From which it again follows that progress is not achieved through laws, regulations or even violence, but only through instructions. For a long time, the world has needed not great men, but teachers. And for a long time, in the perception of a thinking person, the greatest achievement was considered not victories and conquests, not discoveries and inventions, not mastery of the world, but comprehension of oneself. And the only true path to true achievement is to know yourself.”
“Knowing yourself” means understanding the reason: why I do something. “Knowing yourself” means being sensitive and honest with yourself in order to recognize your true motives and your own intentions. We must constantly ask ourselves: Am I hurting my self-esteem with what I say and do? and do I feel internally free?
Inner freedom has two antitheses:
Inner Satisfaction
In relation to others, dissatisfaction with oneself is expressed in internal distancing, in alienation, in the desire to escape, in anxiety, irritability and in the search for an object for inexhaustible criticism. An exaggerated need for satisfaction leads to self-satisfaction and self-spoiling. Self-satisfaction is often embodied in long-past or longed-for future love. In addition to sexual satisfaction, various sources of pampering oneself are sought. Excessively abundant food and excessive satiety often fill the spiritual emptiness of dissatisfied people.
If the vicious circle rotates faster and faster, then self-indulgence grows to the point of self-intoxication. Indulging yourself with sweets can still be considered self-indulgence, but heavy smoking, alcoholism and regular use of sleeping pills and drugs are absolute self-intoxication. “Satisfaction comes from within,” one psychotherapist recently wrote in a note to patients. Well, the installation is correct, but useless. Not only satisfaction, but also vanity, envy, and aggressiveness come from within. And we want to know what needs to be done to achieve inner satisfaction and balance.
First of all, you should wean yourself from expecting that the other person will do what you want of his own free will. Having patience and a willingness to understand, you must try to understand the other person, want to belong to your partner, feel connected to your partner, instead of humiliating with picky criticism and pushing away.
A lot is written about what happiness is, and even more is guessed at. Children collecting coins in a piggy bank believe that the piggy bank brings happiness. Many adults never get rid of this childhood belief: they continue to believe that to achieve happiness you need money. Many are unshakably confident: the more money, the more happiness. Whoever thinks this way will walk through life in a crowd of unlucky people. A lost person needs more and more, he runs towards happiness faster and faster, but remains in the same unhappy place. If someone who strives for happiness could experience happiness, how pleased he would be. To be happy, you need to be content.
Whoever perceives the beauty of a sunset, who is captivated by the sound of a melody, who is impressed by the organic naturalness of a person, does not require anything more than these values. He is filled with life and is happy with it. Anyone who is satisfied with his work and his experiences experiences constant happiness.
There are two negative opposites of inner satisfaction:
Self confidence
Four senses of self form the foundation of our inner balance: self-esteem, inner freedom, inner satisfaction and self-confidence. Self-confidence is different from self-esteem. Self-confidence is a feeling of self that is least associated with self-esteem. If the head of the mafia claims about himself that he allegedly has high self-esteem, then he does not know what he is talking about. The mafioso certainly feels strong self-confidence, and he really has it. Any business that the head of the mafia successfully carries out confirms his efficiency. This creates self-approval of the highest degree, and this develops self-confidence in the “boss”.
A person undermines self-confidence if he expects too little or too much from himself. Or if he demands too little or too much from himself. Anyone who sets too high demands on himself undoubtedly wants to admire himself - the strongest, the most courageous, the greatest. A hero, a star. Setting too high expectations for yourself reflects a worthy goal: admiring yourself. Of course, for those who admire themselves, it is necessary that others admire them too. Therefore, they are boastful beyond measure.
back side self-admiration - self-compassion. Someone who has low self-confidence needs the admiration of others. Those who are dependent on the admiration of others fall into depressed self-compassion if they do not receive support and recognition for a long time. Therefore, many politicians and art stars rush to read the morning newspaper every day, hoping to find their name there.
Many of those who admire themselves betray themselves with exorbitant boasting when, as if by chance, they mention which influential people they are closely acquainted with or which famous personalities they seem to be friendly.
There are two negative opposites of self-confidence:
How to assess the degree of your own self-confidence? After all, one way or another, each of us initially experiences some uncertainty when, by coincidence, we find ourselves face to face with an unfamiliar situation. This is completely normal, and there is no need to talk about lack of self-confidence here. But if anxiety and stiffness accompanies you all your life, in any environment, even the most familiar to you, even when communicating with people you know well?! Well, in this case it makes sense to take care of increasing self-confidence.
By the way, it happens that a person feels self-doubt only periodically. For example, when you find yourself in an awkward position or have to communicate with some people who instill in a person that very uncertainty. What to do? A simple solution immediately presents itself - to use the so-called contraception method, that is, avoid meeting with this circle of people, try not to find yourself in conditions that could in any way affect the level of self-confidence.
You can get away from a situation in which you feel insecure, but you shouldn’t abuse this method: you can easily get used to trying to avoid difficult situations all your life, like the proverbial ostrich, hiding its head in the sand at the slightest danger. You can’t lay straws everywhere, no matter how hard you try. Difficult communication situations, one way or another, will always arise along the path of life, which obviously will not help increase self-confidence.
You can develop the necessary skills by observing how other people handle situations that require self-confidence. They can help with this issue the following recommendations which, as research shows, are characteristic of self-confident people:
Many people who have been able to radically change their lives and achieve success in their chosen careers began by changing their position. They initially felt insecure, and eventually gained confidence in themselves by focusing on their positive qualities, mentally seeing themselves as successful and imagining that they had achieved prosperity and recognition from others for their efforts and achievements.
The reason this approach works is that if you believe in your greatness, you are great! And first of all you must start with this faith, because this faith helps you to receive practical experience, confirming this belief. For example, if you are convinced that you will get a certain job or promotion, you will project an aura of confidence and act as if you have that job, and then people will imagine you in that role. Also, by having this faith, you will be convinced that you can do whatever it takes, and you will be able to do it. And soon you will find that you have this job because you are creating a reality that reflects your faith. Of course, external circumstances and a fortunate opportunity to be in the right place at the right time can help you gain self-confidence. But if you miss it inner feeling self-confidence, any luck and favorable circumstances will not give you this feeling own strength, which you need to force circumstances to take the turn you want.
For example, think of the many people who have been promoted to a new position and then various reasons found that they could not bear additional responsibility. What's really going on here is the Peter Principle, which is that people are promoted until they reach a level where they are incompetent. However, the reasons for this principle to work are old positions, which some transfer to a new position. Consciously or subconsciously, they still see themselves in their old role, and they don't feel the real confidence to step up their responsibilities. They feel that they do not deserve a promotion, that they are unworthy, etc. As a result, they end up failing and may be demoted to a position in which they feel comfortable. Conversely, when you feel inner confidence in yourself, you think, “I can do this, no matter how difficult it may be,” and you are willing to take on new challenges, responsibilities, and are willing to grow. You believe you can do it, and that's why you can do it.
So everything is based on faith. You must believe that you have the power to achieve the success you want, and then that belief will give you the strength you need to do it.
To build self-confidence and self-esteem, overcome fears, anxieties, self-doubts and self-limitations such as “I can’t do this” or “I’m not skilled enough”, the main thing is to concentrate on what you can do, to know that you you can do it and imagine yourself doing it. Then, using this mental power technique, you can let go of these fears and worries and gain the self-confidence you need to successfully face the challenges ahead and regain your sense of well-being. In fact, you can use this technique to prevent you from having any doubts about your abilities by regularly using these techniques to confirm that you are capable of doing anything you set your mind to. You can then use this technique to feel confident because you are in complete control of the situation.
Here are five main ways to gain self-esteem using this technique.
Self-confidence is a person’s willingness to decide enough complex tasks, when the level of aspirations is not reduced only because of fears of failure.
Willingness to solve complex problems, that is, a state of internal psychological mobilization, is the right attitude, way of thinking. The stability of this quality, despite the possibility of failure, provides self-confidence.
Thus, to gain self-confidence, work in two directions is indicated. First, we change our way of thinking, life philosophy and self-esteem. Secondly, we change our behavior, develop a number of specific skills that express self-confidence.
Changing your mindset
Best Moments
Remember those moments in your life when you felt like a real winner. Restore in your memory all the details of the situation, sounds, smells, catch admiring glances, plunge into that moment and live it again.
Feel the taste of victory and the feeling of pride overwhelming you, fix this image in your mind, transfer it to the current situation and tell yourself: “It worked then, it will work now.”
I am a hero
Who would you say is the true embodiment of confidence? Whose image immediately appears in your imagination? Perhaps this is a hero from a cult film or a character from your favorite book, a famous presenter or someone from your circle? Or maybe it’s you yourself, but without the slightest hint of timidity, indecision and doubt?
Create an image of such a hero in your imagination, watch how he behaves, what his habits are, how he speaks. Get used to this image, connect with it, you are it.
Remember your hero before going to bed and, as you fall asleep, tell yourself that tomorrow morning you will wake up in the image of this 100% confident person. The next day, behave as your hero would behave. Repeat this technique for a week.
Starting gesture
Our body is the strongest emotional conductor. When we are afraid or worried, it is visible to the naked eye: our whole body shrinks, our head is pulled into our shoulders, our shoulders droop, our back slouches. But if emotions have such an effect on our body, is a reverse relationship possible? Yes, and this technique is called the “starting gesture.” It is often used by actors to quickly get into the desired image.
This technique allows you to change your internal state in seconds. Stand up straight, take a deep breath, straighten your shoulders, raise your head, look straight ahead... stand like that for a few seconds... say something in a firm and even voice, you can even command something. Capture this image on yourself. You are a winner, you are filled with confidence and self-esteem.
Symbol of Confidence
What object, animal or plant is the epitome of confidence for you? It can be anything: a hundred-year-old oak tree, the king of beasts - a lion, an impregnable rock or a fortress.
Form this image in your imagination, feel how you are filled with energy and power. Record this feeling and enjoy it.
Cloud of Confidence
Sit back, close your eyes and relax. Take a deep breath and tell yourself that with every inhale you breathe in confidence, strength, energy, and with every exhale you breathe out shyness, worry and anxiety. Take 5 pairs of slow breaths.
Now, without opening your eyes, imagine a color with which you associate confidence. What color do you think confidence can be? When you decide on a color, imagine a cloud of the color of confidence, surround yourself with the cloud, immerse yourself in it. Enjoy a feeling of calm and security.
Now add some music. What music inspires and energizes you? Perhaps it will be the Toreador March of J. Bizet or something even more life-affirming. To this music, go on stage in a huge hall, where thousands of people applaud you. Can you hear the applause? This is all for you, you are being honored. Imbued with success, fixate on it. Take a deep breath and open your eyes.
Filling with confidence
This technique includes elements from the “Cloud of Confidence” technique. Relax, close your eyes, imagine the color with which you associate confidence.
Now feel how the energy of confidence, painted in the color of your choice, fills your entire body, penetrating every corner, filling every cell of yours. Now turn on your “confidence music” and continue to fill yourself with energy.
The music is getting louder, you feel energized and full of determination. If you know a smell that you associate with confidence, then remember and smell it. Perhaps it's the smell of leather in a car, the smell of boxing gloves, or a special perfume. Let everything around you be saturated with energy, music and the aroma of confidence. Take a deep breath and open your eyes.
Here are some tips to help you change your mindset.
Don't be afraid to make mistakes, enjoy life, expand your circle of friends. It’s still safer to actively overcome own fears. How to do it? Here are a few simple tips…
Be a monkey. Observe how someone you consider to be a model of self-confidence behaves, and now try to copy his manner of communication. Fear can make your veins shake and suck in the pit of your stomach, but if you at least outwardly - in behavior, voice, appearance, – demonstrate confidence, then gaining real inner confidence will not take long. Live in the moment. It is in every single moment that real life lies, where there is no place for fear, anxiety, worry or regret, because the reason for them has already remained in the past or, with some degree of probability, will arise in the uncertain future. Don’t become like a broken record, constantly replaying long-past events within yourself - enjoy life here and now.
Rarely does anyone feel insecure when communicating in a familiar environment with loved ones or doing a familiar activity. Psychologists call this the comfort zone. By expanding our social circle, mastering new things - even if this requires overcoming a certain psychological barrier - we expand the boundaries of our own comfort zone and, thereby, become more confident in our abilities.
Give up self-criticism. If you are tempted to criticize yourself or your loved one, try to replace negative thoughts with positive ones that increase self-confidence. For example, if your inner voice is nagging and nagging: “You failed again, you hopeless loser,” then remind yourself that you learn from mistakes, and next time you will do everything right.
If such a need arises, always insist on your own, without fear of being branded as an egoist. False delicacy is the flip side of self-doubt.
Openly express your emotions - both positive and negative, without fear that someone will not like it.
Calmly accept your own imperfections. No one can ever be perfect in every way.
Calmly accept your own mistakes and failures. It has long been known that only those who do nothing make no mistakes.
Life gains meaning only in achieving goals. So set goals for yourself - different, near and far, and when you achieve them, you will feel more and more confident in your abilities.
Learn to imagine in detail your ultimate goal, i.e. in very, very different contexts, manifestations, and present in great detail the process of achieving it.
The technique of mental rehearsal also helps, when in your imagination you replay your typical problem situations many times, but at the same time in them you already behave as you see fit, and not as you did.
A person who is characterized by an aggressive style of behavior is more difficult to understand the negative consequences of his actions. If, however, he admits that he does not know any other way to achieve his goals other than humiliating and insulting the feelings of others, and at the same time he experiences a feeling of guilt, he will be able to develop a confident style of behavior.
Psychologists say that a number of aggressive people develop a “facade of bravado” to protect themselves from emotional closeness to others, which they fear. In reality, they feel “inferior” to those around them, and put on a kind of mask “ strong man” to keep others at an appropriate distance. Such people can undergo group training, which, according to psychologists, will help them develop adequate self-affirming reactions to replace the previous ones - bellicose and rude. Instead of training, you can use NLP techniques to remove incorrect attitudes.
Behavior change
A person who has a habit of acting passively or aggressively in his dealings with others usually has a poor opinion of himself. His attitude towards others causes ridicule and disdain from others. He notices this and thinks: “Something is wrong with me. I'm worse than others." Convinced of his inferiority, he continues to act as before. Thus the cycle repeats. Inappropriate behavior, negative reactions from others, feelings own inferiority.
The most clearly observable component in this cycle is the behavior itself. We can easily observe a person's behavior and actions in contrast to his feelings, which a person can hide if he wants. In addition, behavior is easier to change.
The goal of assertive behavior is to express your thoughts, feelings, desires, and beliefs honestly, effectively, and directly. By behaving confidently, you stand up for your own rights without violating the rights of others.
The goal of aggressive behavior is to dominate. People who behave aggressively defend their rights at the expense of other people.
The goal of passive behavior is to please others, avoid conflict, and be perceived by others as nice man and hide own feelings. People who behave passively keep their opinions to themselves and do not defend their legal rights. As a result, their rights are often violated by others.
1. If you want to refuse something to another person, tell him clearly and unambiguously “no”, explain why you refused, but do not apologize for too long.
2. Answer without pausing - as quickly as possible.
3. Insist on being spoken to honestly and frankly.
4. Ask for clarification about why you are being asked to do something you do not want to do.
5. Look at the person you are talking to. Monitor your partner’s non-verbal behavior: does he show signs of insecurity (hands near his face, shifting gaze).
6. If you are angry, make it clear that this concerns your partner's behavior and does not affect him as a person.
7. If you are commenting on the behavior of another, use first-person speech - the pronoun “I”: “If you behave like this, then I feel like this...” Suggest alternative ways of behavior that, according to in your opinion, will be better received by you.
8. Praise those (and yourself) who, in your opinion, managed to behave confidently (regardless of whether the goal was achieved or not).
9. Don't blame yourself if you were insecure or aggressive. Try instead to figure out at what point you “went off” the right path and how you can do better. similar situations if they arise in the future.
10. Don't allow yourself to remain a passive observer.
The preferred style of behavior is self-expression and self-affirmation.
Self-expression is discussed in the next section.
Self-affirmation
Take a closer look at those areas of life where you do not exercise your rights, where you are manipulated or not allowed to develop. This exercise will help you develop assertiveness skills and determine where to focus your energy.
Most self-empowerment materials list personal rights, with some variation depending on the author's interpretation of the topic. These rights are not written on tablets, do not have the irresistible force of law, they are rules based on common sense that help in human self-development and strengthening interpersonal relationships.
An important point to remember is that if you have a right, another person has exactly the same right. For example, you have the right to ask for what you need. The other person has an equal right to refuse you this or make his own request. If you ignore or grossly violate another person's rights, this can be considered aggressive behavior. If you ignore your own rights, you do not have a sufficient degree of self-confidence, your behavior is passive. A solid “system of rights” is built on mutual respect for each other’s needs, opinions and feelings.
The fundamental right from which all other personal rights flow can be stated very simply: you have the final say over who you are and what you do.
Your decision does not depend on the role you play in life, what others expect from you, or how you imagine how you should act. This right applies to any area of life: business, public and personal spheres.
It's easy to say, simply agree, that you have the right to voice your needs and set your own priorities so that you have full responsibility for every aspect of your life, but it's probably not so easy to put into practice. Think a little about what this means. Most likely, this first requires changing your concept of personality. It is equally difficult to recognize the rights of other people.
Despite the fact that there are well-known human rights, which are discussed in many books, including those devoted to self-empowerment, there are as many options for covering this topic as there are books themselves. Below is a list of 40 fundamental rights; Some of them may seem similar, but each has its own area of application.
Remember that the ability to stand up for your rights requires knowledge and competence.
Finding out which personal rights you have difficulty with is only the first part of the task. Remember that other people have exactly the same rights.
Read the list again. What rights of other people are you violating? How do you manipulate other people to get them out of your way?
Although your job is to protect your interests and achieve your goal, remember that the most important value of self-affirmation is the feeling of inner satisfaction after you have expressed your feelings. And, more often than not, you will have the opportunity to make sure that your new style of behavior - self-expression and self-affirmation - will bring you this feeling of satisfaction. Keep in mind that you have very little chance of protecting your interests and achieving your desired goal if you don't do something about it!
Remember that there are two sides to assertiveness: respecting the rights of others and respecting your own rights.
Anger and malice
Anger and anger are natural human emotions. Each of us experiences these feelings from time to time. How we express these feelings is another matter.
People who are characterized by a self-deprecating, passive form of behavior say: “I never feel angry.” We don't believe this. It's just that some people control themselves and don't show these feelings openly. Often such a self-controlled individual suffers from migraines, asthma, stomach ulcers or skin diseases. Expressing anger and anger is healthy, and that expressing these feelings intelligently prevents aggressive actions.
Spontaneously expressing feelings of anger and anger as soon as you experience them, without allowing these feelings to build up, is the healthiest method we know of for coping with these negative emotions.
The following words and expressions may be helpful in these situations:
I do not like it.
I'm very angry (angry).
I am very dissatisfied (dissatisfied).
I think this is unfair.
Very often we have met people who express their disappointment and dissatisfaction with others using dishonest, hidden, cowardly and cruel methods. Such methods are rarely successful if your goal is to change someone's behavior.
Sometimes a person feels better after reacting aggressively to an unpleasant situation and “blowing off emotional steam.” Yet the self-affirming reaction in conflict situations will not only give you the opportunity to respond intelligently to an unpleasant situation, but will also give your opponent the opportunity to respond to you adequately and, perhaps, even change his attitude towards you (that is, eliminate the possibility of a repetition of the conflict in the future).
Non-verbal communication
The fact that you decided to protect your interests and the path you chose for this is the main thing; What you say is not so important.
Let's look at some components of communication without words. Psychologists call this side of communication nonverbal communication.
Eye contact. Looking directly at the person you are addressing - The best way let him know that you are sincere. A glance directed away from the person you are addressing indicates your timidity and lack of self-confidence. An aggressive, “blazing” look can be understood as an attempt to suppress an opponent. But a calm look into the eyes of the interlocutor, interrupted from time to time by glances to the side, emphasizes your interest in the interlocutor.
Pose. The “weight” of what you want to say to your interlocutor increases if you stand or sit relatively close to him, and lean slightly in his direction. Observing your own posture and posture when speaking will help you determine their effectiveness.
Gestures. An address accentuated by expressive gestures takes on additional meaning. Particularly expressive gestures are an angry wave of the fist towards the opponent, a soft touch on the hand or shoulder of the interlocutor, open hand towards the interlocutor (“Stop!”).
Facial expression, voice, tone. When you want to look stern and/or angry, you will not smile, but will adopt an expression that matches your feelings, and vice versa, your smile will be more natural in cases where you are in the appropriate mood.
A monotonous whisper will not convince your interlocutor that you have firm intentions, and a loud epithet addressed to him will make him wary. This way your tone can be detrimental to achieving your goal. A statement made in an even, firm, calm voice, without intimidating intonations, will sound quite convincing and will produce the greatest effect.
And finally, regarding voice volume. Do you usually speak so quietly that others have difficulty hearing you? Or do you always talk so loudly that people think you're always angry? Control your voice and you'll have another powerful element in your efforts to become confident.
Rate of speech. An unsure tone and hesitation in speech are a signal to others that you are not confident enough in yourself. You don't need to be a natural speaker to get your point across, but you should develop the ability to speak smoothly. Comments made clearly and in a measured tone have a better effect than rapid but hesitant speech, full of nothing. meaningful words, such as: “well”, “you know”, “um”, etc.
Choose the right time. Although spontaneity of self-expression is preferable to hesitation and procrastination, it is still necessary to choose the right time to talk. For example, it is preferable to talk with the boss in his office and in the absence of strangers. No one likes to “look bad” or admit their mistake in front of others. Such a conversation should take place in an appropriate setting, that is, in private.
Don't worry about the thought that it will be too late. Even if your conversation can no longer change anything, still, let it happen. If you hold a grudge, it will bother you and negatively affect your relationship. It's never too late.
You should express your own feelings, taking responsibility for them. Notice the difference in the expressions: “I am extremely outraged” and “You are a scumbag!” There is no need to humiliate another (aggressiveness) in order to express your feelings (self-affirmation).
Conflicts
Constructive conflict resolution. Conflict resolution is made easier:
If we cooperate to solve a problem and each side gives up something of what the other wants, it is very likely that we can find a mutually acceptable solution.
A conflict that has reached a point where both sides feel intense hostility can only be resolved when feelings are expressed honestly and openly. Confidently: “I am outraged by your unwillingness to understand my point of view,” can be the beginning of a constructive dialogue. Passive: “Let’s forget all this” (to avoid the problem) or aggressive: “You’re a stubborn ass!” – will definitely leave both parties frustrated and unsatisfied.
There is nothing wrong with being angry! But use a positive, honest, confident style of expressing your feelings. You and those around you will benefit from this!
Functions and individual characteristics of self-expression
By self-expression of a person in communication we mean a wide range of verbal and non-verbal behavioral acts that a person uses to convey information about himself to others and create a certain image of himself.
In psychology, the problem of personal self-expression in communication is studied through two phenomena: self-disclosure, which means communicating information about oneself to other people, and self-presentation, which consists of purposefully creating a certain impression about oneself in the eyes of others. Most of the works on this issue are devoted to the general patterns of these processes, as well as the factors that determine them.
It is possible to distinguish several levels of personal self-expression according to the criterion of awareness, purposefulness and correspondence between the expressive behavior of the individual and its internal content.
As we move from the first level to the fourth, awareness, purposefulness, and also the degree of artificiality of the actions performed by the individual intensify. In a specific communicative act these levels of self-expression can be combined. For example, speech behavior can occur at the fourth level, i.e. carry distorted information about a person, and non-verbal behavior at the same time can unfold at the third level, i.e. reveal true feelings.
It is proposed to highlight the following functions of self-expression.
1. The existential function is that, by sending information about his personality, a person affirms the fact of his existence and claims that others will include him in social interaction.
2. The adaptive function is manifested in the fact that self-expression is, first of all, aimed at including a specific person in a complex social system, since a person acts as a performer of a large number of social roles that society provides him.
3. The communicative function is genetically original, since all information sent by a person is addressed to other people, without an audience it is meaningless.
4. The identification function is that the self-expression of an individual is aimed at reflecting his belonging to certain social groups or to psychological types. This allows the audience to immediately recognize the person as a representative of a certain social community.
5. The function of regulating interpersonal relationships is based on the fact that the amount of information sent, its content, frequency, reciprocity, leads to a certain nature of interpersonal relationships. People build their relationships using self-expression to achieve a certain distance, position and relationship sign.
6. The transformative function is that the self-expression of one personality causes certain changes in those people who have become recipients of the information received. Changes may occur in them different sign(socially desirable or negative), different in size (someone else’s example can even become an impetus for a change in lifestyle), self-expression can affect a different number of people (fans or opponents of this style of self-presentation). All this will depend on the scale of the individual and the degree of novelty of his contribution to the development of the tradition of self-expression.
7. The function of self-regulation is due to the fact that self-expression serves as a means of coordinating the self-concept of an individual and his behavior. Self-expression also helps relieve emotional stress and release.
8. The function of self-embodiment is related to the fact that, expressing himself in communication with other people, a person creates in their minds an image of himself that exists independently of his earthly existence. Using indirect forms of self-expression (written texts, portraits, photographs, audio and video materials), a person perpetuates himself as a representative of a certain era and geographical environment.
People differ significantly in the means they use to express themselves in communication, and in the tasks they set for themselves in this regard. An analysis of the literature allows us to identify seven main characteristics that are important for describing an individual strategy for personal self-expression in communication.
1. The degree of awareness and purposefulness of the information sent about oneself. People vary greatly in their ability to manage the process of forming impressions of themselves among others. In Western psychology, the process of controlling one’s own impression is called self-monitoring. M. Snyder found that people who are prone to self-monitoring follow more social norms, better control their self-expression, imitate others more, are more demonstrative and conformist.
2. Naturalness or artificiality created image. This is one of the key points in the problem of personal self-expression in communication. Often it is solved in a simplified way by attributing naturalness and sincerity to the phenomenon of self-disclosure, and artificiality and distortion of the image to the phenomenon of self-presentation. In fact, self-disclosure has many types, and not in all of them a person remains completely sincere. In addition, self-disclosure is never completely complete and factual. Every story about oneself contains a “literary” component, which includes the interpretation of what happened, genre aspects, orientation to the expectations of the audience, and much more that takes the narrator away from the true event. Self-presentation also has many forms, ranging from the presentation of traits that are truly inherent in the subject, to the presentation of absolutely incorrect information about oneself. Each person uses the entire palette of opportunities for self-disclosure and self-presentation, depending on the requirements of the situation and his own motives, however, the ratio of truthful and distorted information, as well as the boundaries of acceptable lies, are different for each individual.
3. The activity of personal self-expression in communication. In relation to self-disclosure, it can be defined through such characteristics as its volume, duration and frequency. In self-presentation, activity is manifested in the individual’s desire to be the center of attention of others, in demonstrative behavior, in the use of integration and self-promotion strategies. As a rule, the activity of self-expression is more typical for individuals striving for leadership, public recognition, and development of their professional career.
4. The breadth of personal expression. It can be determined by the number of spheres of communication to which a person broadcasts his characteristics. First of all, these are family, business and friendly spheres of communication. Through spheres of contact communication, a person reaches wider social communities in which he can also present himself. These include professional, national, religious, party, club and other social groups. The next level of presentation is related to the national level, and an even higher level is related to international influence. The breadth of self-expression is associated with the scale of the individual, with his ability to influence events at different social levels.
5. Variability of presented images. This characteristic is manifested in the ability to change images in different situations of interpersonal interaction. The need to look and act differently is associated, firstly, with the large number of roles that a person plays, and secondly, with the variability of situations in which his communication takes place. In accordance with these two factors, we can conditionally distinguish cross-partner variability of self-presentation, which means that a person changes the strategy of his behavior depending on the partner with whom he communicates, and cross-situational variability, which is associated with changes in behavior depending on the requirements of the situation . Psychologists have different assessments of an individual’s tendency to vary their behavior. M. Snyder regards it as evidence of the desire to manage the impression made on others, others consider it as a manifestation of social competence. There are large differences between people in their ability to change their image and behavior.
6. Normativity or culturality of personal self-expression. It was already said above that a person in his self-expression must be in a certain role position. Each social role contains instructions regarding its performance, which exist in the form of a tradition in the culture to which the person himself belongs. In the past, these regulations were very strict, and a person who deviated from traditional behavior within social role, was severely punished, including expulsion from society. The modern world provides a person with ample opportunities to choose both the roles themselves and options for their execution, based on different cultural traditions. Personal identification mechanisms have a great influence on the choice of how to present oneself in communication with other people, since a person strives to be perceived not only as a private person, but also as a representative of a certain social community.
7. Creativity of personality self-expression. Each person has the opportunity to take a ready-made image to fulfill a social role or introduce new aspects to its performance based on personal experience. Creative people create new opportunities to express themselves through clothing, speech, and self-presentation strategies, which then become the property of the masses.
The identified individual characteristics of a person’s self-expression are stable in nature and can serve as the basis for predicting a person’s behavior in a specific act of communication.
Self-disclosure in interpersonal communication: types, characteristics and functions
The study of self-disclosure began within humanistic psychology in the 1950s. This was no coincidence, since it was precisely this direction that began to consider a person as a subject of his own life. This was also manifested in the terms introduced by its representatives: self-actualization, self-expression, self-disclosure and self-development. Fundamental for the development of humanistic psychology were the works of A. Maslow, in which self-creation was first considered as an integral property of human nature.
Self-disclosure is defined as the process of communicating information about oneself to other people; conscious and voluntary disclosure of one’s self to another. The content of self-disclosure can be a person’s thoughts, feelings, facts of his biography, current life problems, his relationships with people around him, impressions of works of art, life principles and much more.
The need for self-disclosure is inherent in every person, and it must be satisfied, since its suppression can cause not only psychological problems, but also various mental and somatic diseases. Every person has a need to open themselves to at least one significant other. Self-disclosure plays a central role in the development and maintenance of interpersonal relationships. It is an indicator of the depth and degree of positivity of relationships (sympathy, love, friendship). As relationships progress to more intimate ones, people talk about themselves more fully and deeply. Essentially, self-disclosure means inviting another person into your inner world, pulling back the curtain separating “I” from “Other”. This is the most direct way of transmitting your individuality to others. Self-disclosure is a complex and multifaceted process of expressing personality in communication, sensitive to many individual, socio-demographic and situational factors. It can occur in a direct or indirect form, with varying degrees of awareness, using verbal and non-verbal channels for transmitting information, and be aimed at a different number of recipients. Let's look at the main types of self-disclosure.
According to the criterion of the source of initiative, self-disclosure can be voluntary or forced. The degree of voluntariness varies: from the ardent desire of the person himself to tell another person about his feelings or thoughts to the “pulling out” of this information by his partner. Talking about yourself under interrogation may be an example of forced self-disclosure.
Based on the type of contact between the subject of communication and the recipient, one can distinguish direct and indirect self-disclosure. Direct self-disclosure is observed in a situation of physical contact between the subject of self-disclosure and the recipient, during which they can see and hear each other. Indirect self-disclosure can be carried out using the telephone, written text, or electronic text on the Internet. Direct self-disclosure allows the subject to receive audio-visual feedback from the recipient and, in accordance with this, control the process of self-disclosure (expand or collapse, deepen, etc.). At the same time, the presence of a person constrains the speaker, especially when communicating negative information. It is no coincidence that S. Freud came up with the idea of sitting behind the head of a client lying on the couch during a psychoanalytic session, so that there was no eye contact between them. In everyday life, people prefer to report negative actions (such as a breakup) by telephone or in writing. The written form distances partners and deprives them of a large amount of information transmitted through non-verbal channels (voice intonation, facial expressions, etc.). In addition, it is associated with a large time delay in the exchange of information, although this has been overcome on the Internet: in the forum you can communicate in real time.
A special form of mediated self-disclosure is diary entries. They, as a rule, are conducted by a person for himself in order to record the events of his life in memory and organize life impressions. They vary in the degree of intimacy of the topics they cover and the detail of the descriptions. Diary authors have different attitudes towards the possibility of other people reading them. There are blogs on the Internet - these are personal diaries that are open to public viewing. Readers can comment on posts and discuss the identity of their author. Newspaper or Internet advertisements about the desire to enter into a love or friendship relationship can also be considered examples of self-disclosure, although here self-presentation of personality predominates.
Self-disclosure has a great influence on the number of people it is intended for. In Western psychology, the person or group of people to whom the information is addressed is called the target of self-disclosure. Most often, the target is one person, and his characteristics (socio-demographic and personal characteristics, the nature of the relationship with the speaker) largely determine the content and formal characteristics of self-disclosure. Sometimes the target of self-disclosure is a small group (for example, family members, work colleagues, fellow travelers in a train compartment). In this case, as a rule, the degree of intimacy of the reported information and its detail decreases. A special form is self-disclosure in psychological training groups or psychotherapeutic groups. They first create an atmosphere of mutual trust and relaxedness, which allows its participants to fearlessly disclose information about themselves that could compromise them in the eyes of those present.
The target of self-disclosure can be large groups of people, up to all of humanity. This can be called public self-disclosure. Examples of this include interviews of famous people in the media, autobiographies published in the form of books. The goals of such self-disclosure differ from previous forms. Public self-disclosure always has the goal of drawing attention to one’s person and creating a certain impression of oneself. It includes a large element of self-presentation, since it is not always sincere.
According to the criterion of distance and formalization of communication, self-disclosure can be personal and role-based. Role self-disclosure unfolds within the framework of the role in which a person is at a given moment in time. For example, when in the role of a patient at a doctor’s appointment, a person tells about himself mainly what is related to his illness. At the same time, a person can touch upon intimate details and not feel embarrassed, since communication takes place at the role level. Personal self-disclosure presupposes the presence of relationships of sympathy, friendship, love, which are the basis for self-disclosure. The nature of these relationships regulates the direction and content of self-disclosure.
According to the degree of preparedness by the subject of the process of self-disclosure, one can distinguish unintentional and prepared. When a person spontaneously reveals information about his or her identity during communication, this is an example of unintentional self-disclosure. Sometimes this happens in response to someone else's frankness, or out of a desire to entertain the interlocutor. When a person plans in advance to communicate some information about himself to another street or group of people, then we are dealing with prepared self-disclosure. For example, a young man may carefully consider the wording of his declaration of love to his girlfriend. Moreover, he can take care of the environment in which this will be done.
Another important indicator of self-disclosure is the degree of sincerity of the subject of self-disclosure, which is manifested in the reliability of the information reported about himself. Any information a person provides about himself is not complete and absolutely reliable. When a person makes deliberate changes to this message, then we are dealing with pseudo-self-disclosure.
In addition to the above-mentioned features, self-disclosure has a number of characteristics that can be determined using psychological methods.
The depth of self-disclosure refers to the detail, completeness and sincerity of coverage of a particular topic. In contrast, superficial self-disclosure involves incomplete and partial coverage of some aspects of one’s personality. Some authors associate the intimacy of the information disclosed with depth. In our opinion, this is wrong, since intimacy is associated with the topic of self-disclosure.
Research by foreign and domestic psychologists has shown that there are open and closed topics. Open topics are characterized by high self-disclosure and contain, as a rule, neutral information about a person’s interests and tastes, attitudes and opinions. Closed topics include information about the sexual sphere, the human body, its personal qualities oh and finances. Self-disclosure on these topics is intimate because it touches on what a person is hiding most. In the USA, the topic of sources and volume of income is more closed than the topic of health.
The breadth of self-disclosure is determined by the amount of information and the variety of topics on which a person discloses. When telling another about himself, the subject can touch on only one topic or several topics. The depth and breadth of self-disclosure make up its total volume (or intensity). People vary widely in their degree of self-disclosure, which is reflected in the concept of “openness norm.”
Selectivity of self-disclosure reflects the ability of an individual to vary the content and volume of self-disclosure in communication with different people. Psychologists have discovered large differences in the characteristics of self-disclosure of the same person in communication with different partners. Some people, when describing some event in their lives, repeat the same story, while other people modify it depending on their partner.
Differentiation of self-disclosure can be defined as the ability of an individual to change the volume and depth of self-disclosure depending on the topic. Individual differences lie in the extent to which a person can vary the amount and depth of self-disclosure depending on the topic. The combination of selectivity and differentiation makes it possible to judge the flexibility of self-disclosure, which reflects the ability to rearrange a message about oneself depending on one’s own goals, characteristics of the situation and the partner.
The emotionality of self-disclosure is characterized by the overall emotional intensity of the message, as well as the ratio of positive and negative information reported about oneself. To convey his feelings at the moment of self-disclosure, a person uses verbal means(use of metaphors, epithets, etc.), paralinguistic (speed of speech, volume, etc.) and extralinguistic (pauses, laughter, crying) means. Self-disclosure can be boastful, entertaining, plaintive, or instructive.
The duration of self-disclosure is measured by the time spent on it by a person in the process of an experiment or natural behavior. Temporal characteristics of self-disclosure also include the proportion between listening and narration, as well as between narration about oneself and on abstract topics.
So, the main characteristics of self-disclosure are: depth, completeness and breadth (which together make up the volume of self-disclosure), duration, the ratio of positive and negative information about oneself (affective characteristics), flexibility (which consists of differentiation and selectivity). If you create a table of types of self-disclosure based on the criteria discussed above, it will look like this.
Table. Types of self-disclosure
Criterion |
Types of Self-Disclosure |
1. source of initiative |
voluntary and forced |
2. type of contact |
direct and indirect |
H. target of self-disclosure |
one person or group |
4. distance |
personal and role |
5. intentionality |
unintentional and prepared |
6. degree of sincerity |
true or pseudo self-disclosure |
7. depth |
deep and superficial |
thematic or varied |
|
9. emotionality |
affective and neutral |
10. emotional tone |
positive or negative |
Self-disclosure permeates the fabric of human interpersonal communication, performing a number of important psychological functions.
1.It promotes the mental health of the communicator’s personality.
2. Self-disclosure develops personality because it promotes self-knowledge and self-determination.
3. It is a means of self-regulation of the individual due to the mechanism of emotional release, understanding the problem situation through its verbal analysis, and receiving emotional support from the interlocutor. The latter significantly reduces a person’s mental stress and is the main goal of confessional forms of self-disclosure.
Self-disclosure is also important for the recipient. It helps him get to know the subject of self-disclosure better, and also gives him the feeling that he is needed and trusted. Overall, self-disclosure contributes to the development and maintenance of interpersonal relationships.
The influence of the recipient’s personality and relationships with him on the process of self-disclosure
In terms of the influence of the time factor of acquaintance on the process of self-disclosure, it should be mutual and gradual. If one of the partners begins to force things and give too much intimate information about themselves, then the suddenness and untimeliness of such self-disclosure can even lead to a break in the relationship. If people are focused on long-term relationships, then they self-disclose slowly and step by step, but if the relationship is obviously short-lived, then self-disclosure can be deep and easy at once (as, for example, with a fellow traveler on a train).
Mutual openness is a necessary condition for the development of relationships in the initial stages. Once the relationship has strengthened, reciprocal disclosure does not necessarily follow immediately from the partner's self-disclosure. But if it does not occur over a long period of time, then the relationship deteriorates.
If people do not feel reciprocity in self-disclosure from each other for a long time as emotional relationships deepen, then their relationship will never reach the stage of integration. People in long-term intimate relationships (for example, spouses) are more selective in the topics of reciprocal self-disclosure to their partner than in relation to strangers. Apparently, this is due to the great consequences for close people of mutual self-disclosure.
When analyzing the stage of development of interpersonal relationships, the functional purpose of each stage and the change in the personal states of communication partners are distinguished.
Stage 1. Accumulation of consent. Partners develop an idea of the desirability and possibility of building relationships. Both sides strive to agree on assessments.
Stage 2. Finding common interests. Partners are looking for a field of common interests. The topics of communication are neutral: hobbies, sports, politics.
Stage 3. Acceptance of the partner’s personal qualities and the principles of communication that he offers. Self-disclosure at the level personal characteristics, habits, principles.
Stage 4. Clarification of qualities that are dangerous for communication. Deeper probing of the partner. A challenge to openness in the area of shortcomings. Attempts at self-disclosure in the area of negative personal qualities, sometimes in a veiled form.
Stage 5. Adaptation of partners to each other. Accepting each other's personality traits. Deepening mutual frankness based on greater mutual trust.
Stage 6. Achieving compatibility in a couple. Distribution of roles, formation of a system of relationships. Forming a sense of “we”. Identifying your partner’s way of thinking and lifestyle. Self-disclosure at the level of meanings and life plans.
As can be seen from the brief description of the stages of relationship development, self-disclosure is, on the one hand, a means of developing relationships, and on the other hand, their result. It moves from neutral and superficial to intimate and in-depth.
There is a lot of evidence that the process of self-disclosure and satisfaction with the result of self-disclosure largely depend on the behavior of the recipient.
Modern psycholinguistics recognizes the active role of the listener. The addressee (target of self-disclosure) is a full participant in the communicative act throughout its entire duration. If we take into account the dialogue model of communication, which is most typical for the situation of self-disclosure between close people, then there is a constant change in the positions of the communicator and the recipient.
One of the important problems of personality psychology and social psychology is the study of the personality characteristics of the recipient, which contribute to more complete and easier self-disclosure of the communicator. There are a number of professions (journalists, doctors, lawyers, psychologists) for which the ability to challenge other people to be frank is a professionally important quality. The effectiveness of any type of psychotherapy is based on the client’s trust in the psychotherapist and willingness to give intimate information about himself.
Foreign researchers call people who know how to provoke their interlocutor to openness “opener,” which literally translates from English as “opener.”
The personal and behavioral characteristics of people capable of causing self-disclosure in a communication partner were studied. It was revealed that women rate their ability to provoke others' self-disclosure higher than men. An additional survey of the subjects revealed that when filling out this technique, they adhere to different strategies. When answering questions, women usually imagined their past experiences of communicating with strangers, and men, their past experiences of communicating with friends and relatives. In addition, it turned out that their motivation for challenging their partner to be frank was different: women did this in order to initiate a new acquaintance, and men did it in order to determine the partner’s capabilities in helping them themselves. This confirms the data on greater egocentrism and pragmatic orientation in the communication of men compared to women.
The study examined how the interviewee's ability to challenge a partner to be frank influences the interviewer's success. For this purpose, 72 pairs of female students, unfamiliar with each other, were formed with extreme values in their ability to provoke a partner to be frank. It was found that interviewers with high ability were only more skilled when interviewing girls with low ability. On the contrary, girls with low scores on the Miller questionnaire performed better when interviewing highly capable girls. In the latter case, interviewees with high social skills had a positive influence on inept interviewers. They relieved their tension, which led to a better communication situation, which ultimately contributed to greater self-disclosure among the interviewees.
Thus, we can conclude that self-disclosure depends on many factors related to the personalities of the subjects of communication and the relationships in which they are currently located.
Strategies and tactics of self-presentation
In foreign psychology, one of the central problems in the study of self-presentation is the question of strategies and tactics of self-presentation. Interest in this problem is due to its great practical significance, since every person, on the one hand, wants to skillfully master these strategies, and on the other hand, strives to see and recognize them in the behavior of their communication partners. To date, a large amount of empirical material has been accumulated, indicating the influence of many socio-psychological and personal characteristics the subject of self-presentation and his partner, as well as the circumstances of their interaction, on the implementation of different strategies and tactics for presenting their image.
The self-presentation strategy is a set of behavioral acts of an individual, separated in time and space, aimed at creating a certain image in the eyes of others. Self-presentation tactics are a specific technique by which the chosen strategy is implemented. A self-presentation strategy can include many individual tactics. Self-presentation tactics are a short-term phenomenon and are aimed at creating the desired impression in a specific life situation.
A classification of self-presentation strategies was created based on the goals and tactics that people use in communicating with others. Self-presentation allows a person to use various sources of power, expanding and maintaining influence in interpersonal relationships.
1. The desire to please – ingratiation. This strategy is designed for the power of charm. The main tactics are to please other people, to flatter and agree, to present socially approved qualities. The goal is to appear attractive.
2. Self-promotion—demonstration of competence that provides expert power. The main tactic is to prove one's superiority and boast. The goal is to appear competent.
3. Exemplary – the desire to serve as an example for other people, which gives the power of a mentor. The main tactic is to demonstrate spiritual superiority, combined with boasting and the desire to discuss and condemn other people. The goal is to appear morally blameless.
4. Intimidation is a demonstration of power that forces others to obey and gives the power of fear. The main tactic is threat. The goal is to appear dangerous.
5. Showing weakness or pleading. Obliges others to help, which gives the power of compassion. The main tactic is to ask for help, to beg. The goal is to appear weak.
The most common are the first three self-presentation strategies, since they correspond to socially approved behavior.
Distinguishes two strategies of self-presentation, differing in the ways in which they are achieved and in the rewards they achieve: “pleasing strategy” - aimed at presenting oneself in a favorable light, controlled by external criteria (adjustment to the audience) and achieves an external reward - approval; “self-constructing” - criteria and rewards within the person himself, a person supports and strengthens his “ideal self”, which makes an impression on others.
There are affirmative and defensive types of strategies:
The first strategy consists of active, but not aggressive, efforts to create a positive impression. Defensive strategies include making excuses, intimidating, pleading, and other forms of socially disapproved behavior.
The most detailed classification of self-presentation strategies was carried out by A. Schutz, who, based on a synthesis of a large amount of literature devoted to this problem, identified her own criteria for categorizing tactics and strategies of self-presentation.
As such criteria, she proposed to consider the attitude towards creating a positive image or avoiding a bad image, the degree of activity of the subject in creating the image and the degree of manifestation of the subject’s aggressiveness in the process of self-presentation. Based on a combination of these criteria, she identifies four groups of self-presentation strategies.
1. Positive self-presentation. The motto is “I am good.” This type of self-presentation contains active but not aggressive actions to create a positive impression of oneself. This group includes the strategies of striving to be liked, self-promotion, and serving as an example. The main tactics are as follows:
2. Offensive self-presentation. Based on the desire to look good by denigrating other people. This is an aggressive way of creating a desired image, all tactics of which are aimed at criticizing a competitor. The following tactics are used here:
3. Protective self-presentation. Sets a goal not to look bad. A person avoids the possibility of giving a negative impression of himself by avoiding interactions with other people.
The tactics used in this case are the following:
4. Defensive self-presentation. The subject behaves actively in creating an image, but has an attitude towards avoiding a negative image. This strategy typically occurs when a person is accused of involvement in some undesirable event. The greater the role of a person in this event, and the more difficult it is, the more difficult it is for a person to change his negative image towards a positive one.
This strategy is characterized by the following self-justification tactics.
These tactics can be deployed sequentially as the blaming party receives additional information about the negative event, but can also be used separately.
This classification also does not cover the entire range of strategies and tactics of self-presentation. In the works of M. Seligman, the tactics of learned helplessness were described, which consists in the fact that a person deliberately portrays his inability to perform the actions or deeds required of him in the expectation that the people around him will help him. This tactic is implemented as part of the strategy of demonstrating weakness, because other strategies are based on demonstrating superiority over a partner. If a person was actually able to cope with the problem on his own, then this behavior can be classified as manipulative tactics.
Psychologically close to it is the tactic of creating artificial obstacles by the person himself on the way to achieving a goal. A person protects his self-esteem and his public image by explaining failures by external circumstances or situational factors (illness, lack of time to prepare, advantages of a competitor, etc.). The tactic of praising an opponent is a win-win, because if he wins, the person proves to others that he had a strong and worthy opponent. If the person himself wins, then his victory is doubly honorable. The tactic of false modesty also significantly increases the positive image of a person, especially in those cultures that value self-restraint (for example, Japan, China, Russia). But the same tactics in the USA will bring the opposite effect to a person, since it is customary there to openly declare one’s successes and abilities.
There is such a tactic as showing off. IN English language it was called “Adonization” after the mythological hero Adonis, who was in love with himself. The purpose of this tactic is to appear visually attractive. The implementation of this tactic is quite complex, since the criteria for attractiveness vary from person to person, so the subject of self-presentation must be well aware of the tastes of the audience for whom the design of his appearance is intended.
In conclusion, it should be noted that a person uses many tactics of self-presentation depending on the situation in which he finds himself, but at the same time he has the most preferred techniques that most adequately correspond to his image. Each person builds his own image based on his gender, age, belonging to a certain culture, class of society, profession and his personal characteristics.
Each of us has at least once wondered what impression he makes on others. That is, what are the results of his self-submission. Meanwhile, the perception of a partner or interlocutor can be quite successfully controlled and his attention directed to the necessary factors.
Our interlocutor, just like us, has his own goals, his own idea of the nature of the interaction, but most importantly, he is able to greatly influence how we see it. This process, which implies the ability of a living object to interfere with the process of perceiving its own image in a communication partner, is called self-presentation. And, in essence, it consists of controlling the attention of the interlocutor.
When perceiving an inanimate, passive object, we form our attitude, for the most part, based on our own internal state. If you are not in best location spirit, then your attention will be directed to all the shortcomings of the object; on the contrary, a good mood will allow you to focus only on the positive aspects of the object. When we evaluate an object, it cannot influence our perception of it, but when it comes to evaluation, the perception of the interlocutor, then everything is different.
Each of us is able to control the attention of our interlocutor, and for this we have many means at our disposal - bright clothes, facial expressions, gestures, intonation and much more. With the help of these tools, we can create a hierarchy of elements of our image, putting and bringing to the forefront the most interesting elements that will help make our image more attractive and interesting to the interlocutor. We seem to tell our partner “pay attention to this first, then to this, this and this, and then to this, and now look here...”. Managing the interlocutor’s attention can be done both consciously and unconsciously. At the same time, awareness of the process has nothing to do with the success or failure of our self-presentation. But, of course, perfect conscious self-presentation is much more effective in a number of cases. This is akin to the “magic” of magicians who masterfully control the attention of the audience.
Self-presentation is a means of controlling the attention of others. But the purpose of self-submission is not this control. The purpose of self-presentation is to create the desired image in the eyes of the interlocutor, which is determined by our goals. It should also be remembered that the basis of self-presentation is intuitive knowledge about the peculiarities of forming a first impression. We unconsciously (for the most part) direct the perception of the interlocutor along any particular path. This process may include either the imposition of a certain stereotype that can set the context of the attitude towards you, or the communication of information that will help the interlocutor better determine your motives and goals, or ways of managing the interlocutor that are aimed at closer and more accurate interaction.
Management of attention and perception of the interlocutor occurs by means of emphasizing and highlighting those features that “turn on” the corresponding mechanisms social perception. Next we will look at the most common of them.
The way we look greatly influences how others perceive us and our behavior.
Self-presentation of excellence
Such self-presentation, in order to be successful, must necessarily be based on certain signs, namely, signs of superiority - the appropriate manner of dressing, speaking and behaving. That is, the emphasis is on those details that show high social status. It is very important that key points, to which the interlocutor’s attention is directed, were emphasized and highlighted.
So, for example, fashionable and expensive clothes will be a necessary accent only when those around you are not dressed in fashion. If everyone is dressed approximately the same, this element will not work. That is why in certain circles there is a “race” for new fashion items; it is necessary to maintain self-presentation at the required level. And since superiority is mostly expressed through the cost of clothing, accessories and other attributes of high social status, these are the points that should be highlighted when presenting yourself. Accordingly, if for some reason you need to hide your superiority over your interlocutor, then the emphasis should be placed on completely opposite things.
Self-presentation of attractiveness
An aspect such as attractiveness also allows you to manage yourself. Moreover, this aspect is important for everyone, in contrast to superiority, which is not always appropriate and advisable to emphasize.
The tools with which emphasis is placed on attractiveness can be different - these are the costs of cosmetics, efforts aimed at creating an image. There is a rule of self-presentation of attractiveness that is known to almost everyone: clothes by themselves cannot decorate a person; a person is decorated by the work that he has done to make the clothes match his external characteristics.
There are times when we still need to reduce our attractiveness - receiving guests (there is a stereotype that the hostess should not be more beautiful than the guests), someone else's wedding (the stereotype says that the bride should outshine everyone with her beauty), passing an exam for a female teacher (there is no need emphasize your attractiveness especially to a female student and cause irritation). In these cases, self-presentation of attractiveness is also carried out, but only the emphasis is placed on less time and effort.
Self-feeding attitude
Self-presentation of attitude is significantly superior to both self-presentations described above, because the main thing for any communication is the demonstration of attitude towards the interlocutor. At the same time, it is important in some cases to demonstrate not only good attitude, but also bad (disapproval, for example). Underestimating the self-presentation of an attitude can have a significant impact on the effectiveness of communication.
We begin to learn the basics of self-presentation techniques from childhood, when parents explain to their child what is good and what should not be done, what to say, etc. Therefore, self-presentation of attitude occurs more consciously than self-presentation of attractiveness and superiority. After all, everyone knows that a frown, impatience in gestures, formality of tone cannot set the interlocutor in a friendly mood, while openness of gaze, posture, and a smile, on the contrary, are conducive and help to establish contact.
However, this knowledge is largely intuitive, because how can one distinguish an open gaze, for example, from a gaze, which is more often interpreted as hostility? Only relying on your feelings, experience and intuition. But intuitive knowledge relates to a greater extent to non-verbal ways of self-presentation of attitude. Verbal methods of self-presentation are well known to us and they are much easier to classify as “positive self-presentation” and “negative self-presentation” - this is our agreement or disagreement with the interlocutor, expressed in verbal form.
A very important point in self-presentation of an attitude is that the verbal method does not contradict the non-verbal, since the presence of a contradiction will always be noticed by the interlocutor (on an intuitive level, at least), and, therefore, the interlocutor will be forced to conclude that you are lying to him, which leads to a negative assessment of you in his eyes.
Self-feeding of current status
This is a manifestation in our appearance and behavior of the current state at the moment. In some cases, when we want to emphasize some experiences so that the interlocutor understands us better, we can “overact,” that is, unnecessarily emphasize our excitement, for example, or anger. This can happen either unintentionally or on purpose, but in any case it is a self-presentation of our current state, which is aimed at making the interlocutor understand the true motives of behavior. If we hide our condition and try not to show our feelings outwardly, then we are talking about negative self-presentation, because in real communication, an attempt to hide our true feelings only complicates mutual understanding. If you are interested in your interlocutor, you need to get rid of negative self-presentation, that is, behave more naturally and openly. Self-presentation of the current state is very essential and important for successful communication.
Self-presentation of reasons for behavior
An equally important role is played by self-presentation, the purpose of which is to inform the interlocutor about the reasons for one’s behavior. The simplest ways of such self-presentation are phrases and phrases that we often use - “circumstances developed in such a way that...”, “I was forced to...”, “It’s not my fault that...”, etc. In this case, the communication partner’s attention is drawn to the reason for the action, which in our opinion is the most acceptable.
There are also more complex techniques for such self-presentation. For example, people’s stories about various difficulties in life, regardless of the desire or unwillingness of the interlocutor to listen to them. Such self-presentation is long-term in nature, because when a person decides to inquire about the state of affairs of such an interlocutor, he immediately remembers such “stories”, and therefore often attributes the reason to already known circumstances, and not to the qualities of the person. The opposite position of a person, which is expressed by the phrase “I’m always lucky,” usually leads to the fact that others see only the behavior of the “lucky” person.
All aspects of self-presentation cannot be described, but it is important to remember that they affect our partners’ understanding of us. Therefore, think about why, for example, you are constantly to blame for all your failures, and someone like you, Vasily Vasiliev, is always a victim of circumstances... Apparently this shows, in addition to the injustice of the opinions of others, your efforts.
Self-presentation always influences our communication with partners; it does not depend on how fully we imagine this process and how we relate to it. For example, two people are going to have an “important” conversation with their superiors. In this case, the first one puts on an official suit, white shirt, and tie; the second, on the contrary, chooses informal clothes - worn jeans, a sweater and sneakers. However, in this case, self-submission is carried out by both people, despite their attitude towards this same self-submission. The first one tries to emphasize formality and respectability, the second one tries to emphasize independence and independence.
Self-presentation is present in absolutely any communication process, regardless of whether a person wants to do it or not. Therefore, it is necessary to recognize its presence in communication and try to understand the patterns, means and methods of this process.
I always know what to say! How to develop self-confidence and become a master communicator Boisvert Jean-Marie
Definition of Confident Behavior
Confident behavior includes a whole set of components, since it must respond to Various types interpersonal situations.
In particular, both situations when someone takes the initiative (for example, someone started a conversation, and I am forced to answer him), and situations when a person himself must take the initiative (for example, when I ask for something, I start the conversation myself, etc.).
In this set of interpersonal situations, confident people tend to speak louder than others, answer questions faster, speak longer sentences, display more personal emotions, complain less, and demand changes in the behavior of others more often than do people who lack confidence. to yourself.
In addition, they are more relaxed, their postures are calmer, there is no tension in the muscles, movements are easy and free. When appropriate, they smile, hold their heads up, and look straight into the eyes.
Communicating confidently means expressing your thoughts, feelings and views in calm words or gestures, with dignity and honesty, showing a full desire to know the feelings, thoughts and views of others. This involves two types of respect: respect for oneself by expressing one's ideas, thoughts and needs, and respect for others by being interested in their needs, tastes and rights.
Communicating with confidence means telling another: “This is what I think, this is how I feel, this is how I see the situation. But I’m ready to listen to you and try to understand what you think, what you feel, how you see the situation.”
Imagine that you are standing in line at the checkout line at a supermarket, and someone asks you to let him go ahead because he is late for something. Self-respect requires taking your own problems into account and getting to the checkout line first. Respect for others means listening to the other person and taking into account his problem (he is late). The balance between self-respect and respect for others is not always easy to achieve, but assertive communication allows us to find this balance.
Uncertain (non-affirmative) communication implies a lack of recognition of your own rights and the inability to clearly and adequately express your feelings, thoughts and your outlook on life, which does not allow others to respect you. This means that, demonstrating a lack of self-respect and sometimes also a lack of respect for others, you refuse to accept opinions that are contrary to your own, and also do not have the ability to take on obligations and deal with even your own problems on your own. The purpose of non-affirmative behavior is to appease others, to avoid conflict at all costs, and to manipulate or frighten others into complying with your wishes.
Non-affirmative communication can look different. When, for example, one person says to another: “I’m not that important... You can take advantage of me... Don’t bother with my feelings, only yours... My thoughts are unimportant... I’m not worth it for you to deal with me... I’m nothing... You’re better than me.” Or this: “I am more important than you... Your feelings are less important than mine... I will not tell you the truth, and I am ready to instill fear in you so that you do what I want.”
To better understand what affirmative behavior is, that is, behavior that allows you to effectively communicate with others, compare it with other types of behavior that do not involve normal communication: passive behavior, manipulation, aggression. Note that we are talking about characteristics of behavior, not personalities. This means that we can be affirmative in some situations and passive aggressive in others, sometimes trying to manipulate others. The table on page 71 allows you to compare different types behavior.
From the book Development Training with Teenagers: Creativity, Communication, Self-Knowledge author Gretsov Andrey GennadievichPart 3 Training for confident behavior And there are no peaks in the world that cannot be taken. V. Vysotsky Adolescence is a period the course of which largely predetermines the entire future life path person. It was at this time that a general idea of
From the book How to Awaken Self-Confidence. 50 simple rules author Sergeeva Oksana MikhailovnaTheoretical Introduction: The Psychology of Confident Behavior Developing self-confidence begins with eliminating the demon called fear; this demon sits on a person’s shoulder and whispers to him: “You can’t do this...” I. Hill. Law of Success Confident Behavior
From the book How to Raise Self-Esteem and Become Confident. Tests and rules author Tarasov Evgeniy AlexandrovichRule No. 10 A confident person will always have a backup option for all occasions. Many people in their lives are of the opinion that initiative is punishable. In the event of a crisis situation, such people prefer to sit out until it resolves itself. This tactic
From the book A Man in Great Demand author Sheremetyev EgorRule No. 14 A confident person should have open, moderate and smooth gestures in his arsenal. There is another important component of self-confidence - special gestures. You don’t need to be an expert to distinguish a confident person from a complex one using this feature.
From the book First Psychological Aid by Winch Guy From the book The Golden Book of the Leader. 101 ways and techniques of control in any situation author Litagent "5th edition"Rule No. 36 Build the needs of a confident person We often wonder if we want to get too much? Or – aren’t we expecting too little from life? A confident person differs from an insecure person in that he can correctly formulate his needs in
From the book Psychiatry of Wars and Disasters [ Tutorial] author Shamrey Vladislav KazimirovichRule No. 10 A confident person will always have a backup option for all occasions. Many people in their lives are of the opinion that initiative is punishable. In the event of a crisis situation, such people prefer to sit out until it resolves itself. Such
From the book I Always Know What to Say! How to develop self-confidence and become a master communicator author Boisvert Jean-MarieRule No. 14 A confident person should have open, moderate and smooth gestures in his arsenal. There is another important component of self-confidence - special gestures. You don't need to be an expert to distinguish a confident person from a confident person using this feature.
From the author's bookRule No. 20 The key points of a confident image are simplicity, consistency and truthfulness. The second chapter was devoted to creating a confident image. We have touched on its most important elements. But there is one more point that I would like to mention finally. You will
From the author's bookRule No. 36 Build the needs of a confident person We often wonder: do we want to get too much? Or – aren’t we expecting too little from life? A confident person differs from an insecure person in that he can correctly formulate his needs
From the author's bookBeliefs of a Confident Man Belief No. 1: I can, I want, I am enough. The first belief of a confident man concerns self-confidence. Imagine that you were forbidden to shift responsibility for your life to other people. Now you have no choice but to
From the author's bookCure B: Identifying Self-Destructive Behavior Loneliness makes us wary and suspicious of people. As a rule, those around us clearly see our indecisiveness and refrain from communicating with us. We feel depressed and do
From the author's bookTreatment Brief: Identifying Self-Destructive Behaviors Indications: Complete a full course of treatment after a bad communication experience. Always re-read your list before attending your next event to stay alert and
From the author's book From the author's book4.3.1. Definition of addictive behavior Addictive behavior is one of the forms of deviant (deviant) behavior with the formation of a desire to escape from reality by artificially changing one’s mental state by taking certain
From the author's bookThe importance of confident (affirmative) behavior in interpersonal relationships The different models of behavior that we analyzed earlier (passive, manipulative, aggressive and positive) create different types of relationships with other people. For example, how will you
1. Characteristics of Confident Behavior| Confident behavior | Uncertain behavior |
| · Easily expresses and defends his point of view, even if it conflicts with the opinions of others; · Talks openly about positive and negative feelings; · Easily establishes contacts, starts and ends conversations; · Focus on your needs and desires; · Makes decisions easily; · Recognizes its uniqueness; · Willingness and ability to improvise; · Knows and strives to achieve his goals and is value-oriented |
· Prefers to remain silent, even if he does not agree, seeks the approval of others; · Finds it difficult to talk about feelings; · Difficulty making contact with strangers; · Focus on the needs of the environment; · Difficulty making decisions; · Compares himself with others; · Patterned behavior; · Lives without understanding one’s own goals and values. · Fear and anxiety |
According to Albert Bandura's theory, a new repertoire of aggressive, confident or insecure behavior arises as a result of imitation - the child's copying of the stereotypes that he observes around him. Parents, relatives, and friends serve as “models” for copying. As a result, a confident, aggressive or insecure personality appears as a kind of “cast” of behavioral patterns that dominate in the environment surrounding the child.
Subject:
Confident behavior.Criteria for confident behavior
Compiled by:
Maksimyak E.N.
I
block. Confident behaviorTarget:
developing the skill of confident behavior in society.Tasks:
Restoring communication skills.
Introduction to theoretical material.
Formation of an attitude towards self-analysis and mandatory success.
Planned time - 2 hours 40 minutes.
Feedback.
Warm-up “Funny Ball”Purpose of the exercise
: warm-up, developing the ability to speak and listen to compliments.- Let's start today with a game. Taking turns throwing this ball to each other, we will talk about the unconditional merits and strengths of the person to whom the ball is thrown. We will be careful to ensure that everyone has the ball.
Self confidence
- one of the most interesting properties of the human psyche. Different people have completely different meanings for the word “confidence.”In your opinion, what is confidence?
What signs indicate confident behavior?
Most people associate confident behavior with self-confident, aggressive behavior, when a person can come in and say: “I’m the boss here.”
Confident behavior - this is socially competent behavior that allows you to achieve your goal without the use of violence and coercion. It is characterized by certain intonations of voice, certain gestures, knowledge of one's rights and the ability to present them, or refusal to do something when forced. Very great importance has the ability to say “No”.People are afraid to say no. “Well, yes, if you say “no”, they will immediately kick you out.” An elementary fear arises that “no” cannot be said. You need to know your rights to be sure. And not only know, but also be able to defend your rights. The very first rule: you just need to know that you exist, that you are. This is not a violation of the rights of other people.
Example: One guy who was with the specialist as a patient. Disheveled, unkempt, with animated gestures, he was part of a criminal gang. They walked in flocks and took off their hats. A few years later, he adapted socially and told the following story: “We walked around in a crowd of boys, and if we saw that a person was unsure, we could take off his hat even during the day. And what’s interesting is that he didn’t even scream. We approached, someone took off his hat, and calmly left, and he silently plopped somewhere in the winter without a hat. And there have been other cases when, even at night, we are walking in a crowd, and a man meets us, and it is clear from him that he is a confident person. We didn't touch him. Please teach people to behave confidently on the streets.” This is told by a guy who was in these groups. When a person is confident in himself, he can very calmly talk about the feelings that arise about this or that event, this or that action. And talking about these feelings is an expression of confident behavior.
There are three key definitions:
. "Self confidence - this is the belief that there is something more in us than we know about ourselves. "Everyone has hidden potential! Think about it, once you didn’t even know how to walk! And now? There was a time when you couldn’t read and write, you didn’t know how to swim or drive a car. You gradually mastered all this. After all, a person is a learning creature. And if you are not able to do something now, this does not mean that it will be so throughout your life.
. Self confidence - this is the belief that in a difficult situation you can rely on yourself)). We have all experienced difficult moments more than once in our lives. Sometimes we could only rely on ourselves, sometimes we could also rely on the help of others. And yet there is no person who at least once would not be forced to act in the example of Baron Munchausen: to pull himself out of the swamp by his own hands.
. "Self confidence depends on the answer to the question: Who are you in this world -exclusive or mediocre (mediocre person, middle management) mediocre (nothing special)?” Really, who are you?upstart (a person who advanced too quickly or took a prominent public position without merit) or"man from the crowd" ?
I ask this question to all of you since it comes to confidence.
Under self-confidence
understand a person’s ability to present their demands and requests in the process of communicating with others and achieve their implementation. In addition, confidence includes the ability to allow yourself to have requests and demands, to dare to express them, and to have the skills to implement them.What is confident or insecure behavior?
The main feature of an insecure person is that in social activities, insecure people strive to avoid any forms of personal self-expression to the maximum extent possible.
Psychologist Lazarus identified four groups
py skills,which, in his opinion, are sufficient for full-fledged life activity, and, consequently, for self-confidence. According to A. Lazarus, an adult must have:ability fromtalk privately about your desires and demands;ability to say"No";ability openlytalk about your positive and negative feelings;ability to installcontacts, start and end a conversation.Self-confidence has a magical effect on those around you. The ability to behave confidently in any situation is a resource that can increase everyone’s chances of achieving anything. So, for example, it is no secret that the best position, the best salary, etc., often do not always go to the most professional and competent, but - almost always - to the one who knows how to behave more confidently, to “sell” himself - that is why confidence is considered one of the most important components of such a phenomenon as charisma. Confident behavior is necessary both for sellers of different stripes - retail, “active”, “consultative”, etc., and for managers - it allows not only to effectively distribute workload and set goals, but also to behave flexibly with different ones - incl. not always constructive - by subordinates, etc. If we talk about conflict situations, then we can say for sure that in them the importance of confident behavior simply cannot be overestimated - for example, it is difficult to imagine an insecure employee of the claims service, or a financial controller.What does it mean to be confident? Looking confident and feeling confident are not the same thing, and you need to learn to show external confidence while maintaining internal confidence. What do you need to learn in order to be able to behave confidently in the most difficult situations? To begin with, we need to learn to clearly define the difference between aggressive, compliant and confident behavior, and understand how others will behave depending on our behavior. Why, for example, does some harmless question of ours cause a violent reaction from our interlocutor, or is our interlocutor for some reason offended by our desire to help? A possible answer is that your posture at the time of asking indicated that you were not so much asking as you were “pushing”, or the offer of help was made in an irritated tone. Thus, the first thing we need to learn is to bring our words into line with body language and voice, clearly realizing what can be understood by the interlocutor as a manifestation of aggression, and what as a manifestation of uncertainty. That is, at the first stage we learn to recognize and “depict” confidence.
The next most important component, without which effective business communication is impossible, is managing emotions. The key task here is not to suppress, hide or restrain one’s emotions - everyone knows that sooner or later they will “break through” anyway; The main step towards managing your emotions is the ability to express your emotions correctly so that the feelings you experience do not deprive you of the ability to think sensibly and act rationally. There is a point of view that we live when we experience any feelings, however, if you do not know how to manage your emotions, then your emotions will control you. There is another well-known thought: “Whoever causes your anger controls you.” Thus, we need the ability to manage our emotions in order to fully manage our lives.
The next item on our list is the ability to clearly and clearly express your thoughts. Often, and especially in a controversial situation, we unconsciously proceed from the premise that our position is absolutely clear and understandable to our opponent, but as a rule, this is not the case! We may get rejected or irritate our interlocutor simply because we have been beating around the bush for too long and confusedly. Thus, the next thing you need to work on is the ability to briefly and succinctly formulate the essence of your message or request.
No less important is the ability to refuse, and to do it in such a way that you yourself are not left with a feeling of guilt, and the one you refused leaves without resentment towards you. Different in content, but similar in the techniques used, is the situation when you need to tell someone bad news, or give an unpleasant order, etc. The skills described above - managing emotions and expressing your thoughts - will allow you to refuse firmly enough (to avoid the interlocutor temptation to enter into a discussion, “beg, etc.), but correctly (without emotional involvement).
Often, various “cockroaches” on the topic “what is good and what is bad” interfere with behaving confidently. For example, “I must be liked,” “I must be strong,” “I must, since I promised,” etc. This is what most manipulative techniques are based on, such as: “You are a man, so you must give in to me”; or “It would simply be rude of you to refuse me”; or “You are a reasonable person, therefore you should enter into my position,” etc. Each of us has a lot of similar ideas in our heads - to whom he owes and for what; and thanks to them, we become easy prey for professional manipulators and other “predators.”
Exercise “Help a friend.”
Imagine that you work on a popular youth radio, and a teenager calls you with the problem that he is very insecure and asks for your help and support. What would you wish for him?Very often a person experiences a feeling of grief, resentment, but cannot express it. When a person is confident in himself, he can very calmly talk about the feelings that arise about this or that event, this or that action. And talking about these feelings is an expression of confident behavior. People who are insecure are more susceptible to manipulation by others, although no one says that a confident person is not susceptible to manipulation. He just has more opportunities to notice them. And resist. A good manipulator perfectly hides his tricks under normal socially correct behavior. A confident person has more opportunities not to succumb to these manipulations. Or achieve what he wants with the help of them, and do it consciously. A confident person does not particularly monitor the manipulations of others, since for him this is a waste of energy. When I know what I want, then I will do what I want. I will either meet you halfway, satisfy your desire, or I will not do this and will not succumb to manipulation, but at this time, tracking whether I am being manipulated or not is quite energy-consuming and is it worth doing.
Example: When a mother constantly yells at her child, she is expressing aggression. In fact, this is her way of expressing her uncertainty about his upbringing. The child feels this perfectly and takes advantage of it. If mom screams, it means she is not able to cope. She demonstrates her helplessness. The child begins to perfectly manipulate his parents, directing this energy where he needs it. Magnificent manipulators
*
Do you think aggression is present in confident or insecure people?In addition, some scientists, analyzing the characteristics of self-confident behavior, were faced with the problem of determining the fine line between confidence and aggressiveness. A high degree of confidence and aggressiveness can coincide if by aggressive actions a person easily and reliably achieves the fulfillment of his needs and does not see any negative side effects. Likewise, insecurity and aggression can coexist if someone's behavioral repertoire includes only aggressive behavior. Even if aggressiveness does not bring anything, a person continues to behave aggressively whenever, overcoming uncertainty, he nevertheless decides to do something. But most often, self-confident people are extremely rarely aggressive, since other, non-aggressive actions are quite sufficient for a life that suits them.
It is important to learn to adequately evaluate your own behavior and pay attention to qualities such as confidence or self-doubt. It can be argued that insecure behavior harms a person, leading to an insecure person holding back his feelings due to anxiety, guilt and insufficient social skills. It is necessary to distinguish confident behavior from insecure and aggressive behavior. An aggressive person violates the rights of others through dominance. Aggression is not based on mature self-esteem and is an attempt to satisfy one's needs at the expense of another person. Confident behavior increases the possibility of choice and control over your own life.
A confident person knows that he has certain rights, knows how to accurately define and express his desires, needs and feelings so that it does not affect others. He knows how to build relationships with other people, what is called “on an equal footing,” regardless of the position they occupy. Thus, we can say that a self-confident person is convinced of the right to realize the needs of his “I” and knows the methods and forms of such realization, respects the positions and status of other people.
We will name only the most clear differences between confident, insecure and aggressive behavior. Confident people speak loudly and clearly, but never resort to shouting, often look into the eyes of their interlocutor, but do not “drill their eyes into the interlocutor’s eyes,” and always maintain the optimal communication distance, without approaching the interlocutor closely. Confident people know how to pause in a conversation, rarely interrupt their partners, and are able to express their thoughts clearly and clearly.
In words (in the verbal plane), self-confident people openly talk about their feelings, desires and claims, accompanying them with a brief and clear justification, often use the pronoun I, and are not afraid of expressing personal opinions. Insults, reproaches, and accusations are rarely heard from self-confident people. They express all claims to others on their own behalf. It cannot be said that these characteristics are formed by themselves or that a person is already born confident. Like all socio-psychological qualities of a person, self-confidence is formed during socialization - i.e. in interaction with other people and the social environment.Signs of insecure behavior (I'm bad, you're good):
Human:
Looks at the floor;
cannot defend his position;
The very first “no” leads him to abandon further attempts to achieve his goal;
cannot ask;
Not
may refuse;It is difficult for him to convince his interlocutor by giving arguments;
Answers in monosyllables “yes” and “no”;
Do not sit down while talking;
Hides his legs under the chair;
Keeps oneself at a great distance from the interlocutor;
Wrinkles his hands;
speaks quietly
Signs of aggressive behavior (I'm good, you're bad):
Human:
Does not argue his position;
After refusal, he does not leave, but stubbornly tries to achieve his goal;
Likes to praise himself;
During communication, reduces the distance between oneself and the interlocutor;
Looks straight;
Can ask and refuse;
Can put pressure on the interlocutor (“I know that you...”, “I really need...”, “You must...”)
Signs of confident behavior
-good,you're good):A person with confidence:
Uses “I statements”;
Applies empathic listening;
Knows how to talk about his desires;
Reflects statements;
Reflects feelings;
Knows how to ask;
Knows how to refuse;
Able to accept refusal;
Speaks directly and openly;
He is prone to compromises and offers them himself.
"UNCONFIDENT, CONFIDENT AND AGGRESSIVE RESPONSES"
Each subgroup is asked to demonstrate uncertain, confident and aggressive types of responses in a given situation. The following situations can be suggested:
Checking tickets on the bus. For some reason you don’t have a ticket. The controller approaches you. You tell him...
Your neighbor's dog ruined your rug. You ring your neighbor's doorbell. He appears on the threshold. You tell him...
A group of young, cheerful people in a cinema disturbs you with loud conversation. You contact them...
Your friend did not give you the borrowed money on time. You speak…
At the clinic, some guy rushes to see the doctor out of turn. Everyone is silent. You speak…
Issues for discussion:
What feeling can a person who lacks self-confidence feel? (feeling of pity). Is this the kind of person you want to be around?
How does an aggressive person feel? (fear, discomfort). Is this the kind of person you want to be around?
What feeling can a confident person evoke? (feeling of reliability and you want to be with him)
“Cool” - what kind of person is this?
In order to be “cool”, you need some attribute: “I am “cool” because I have in my hands a can of beer, a cigarette, a gold signet, a thick gold chain, good car. If a "cool" person doesn't have this attribute, does he look "cool", can he be called "cool"? What behavior do you think lies beneath “cool”? Underneath “coolness” lies insecure behavior: if this attribute is missing, then I’m no longer “cool.”
So, first of all, you need to figure out how often and what signs of confidence or uncertainty you have
Exercise “Confident intonations.”
Two volunteers are called. The presenter, with the help of leading questions, clarifies a topic that is controversial for the participants, so that they adhere to the opposite point of view. After the controversial topic has been clarified, the moderator announces a “public debate” (3 min.). During this time, each of the disputants must try to persuade his opponent to his point of view. At the end of the allotted time, the remaining participants must vote to determine which of the participants had the most confident intonations in their voice. If during the debate one of the opponents gives up, then the other automatically wins. All participants must go through the debate.In conclusion, I would like to give one of the definitions of the concept of “confidence”, which logically embodies all of the above points:
“Confidence is the ability to openly and clearly state your thoughts, feelings and desires, without expecting any reaction or immediate action from others, and recognizing the right of others to behave in the same way.”II block. Criteria for confident behavior
Before developing behavioral skills, it is necessary to determine which behavior will be the best result. To this end, we will define the main criteria for confident behavior.
1. Concreteness and openness in expressing your feelings and emotions
People do not have the ability to read each other's minds, but they can ask and openly state their feelings, desires and needs.
Openness lies in the sincere expression of one’s feelings “here and now”, respectful attitude towards another, the ability to convey information about one’s feelings without humiliating another, and always speaking in the first person.
Interpretation of emotions
It works best for people with a high degree of anxiety, suspicion, dependence, resentment, and empathy.Presentation of emotions It works better for people with a high degree of trustfulness, openness and expressiveness.People with
low presentation and interpretation abilities characterized by self-directedness, self-sufficiency, suspicion and low empathy.2. Behavioral flexibility
Flexibility in behavior is, first of all, the ability to abandon non-working character traits and life strategies, beliefs and methods.
Usually a person cannot part with one or another of his roles, traits, since it carries some very important function, the so-called secondary benefit.
Note:Secondary benefit - this is when behind the visible problem there is hidden the true reason why this problem is present.The implementation of a new way of life encounters an obstacle called “habit”. Each of us has three main habits, these are the habit of being right in everything, the habit of “being cool,” looking good and not falling in the eyes of others, and the habit of controlling everything and everyone.
Exercise.
Think about your problem, ask yourself the question “What good, what benefits do I get when I have this problem?” At first, the consciousness may be indignant, what a strange question, I am suffering so much, what benefits could there be... But, you need to continue asking yourself this question until the answers are received. After receiving the answers, draw some conclusions for yourself about how you can keep the benefits to yourself while still solving the problem.State the problem.
We begin to look for secondary benefits by answering the following questions in writing:
The worst thing about this is...
The best thing about this is...
If I achieved what I wanted, what would I lose?
Am I achieving with this problem something that I would not have achieved without it?
What positive thing does this problem do for me?
What should I not have to deal with while I have this problem?
What would I like to change?
What kind of person would I like to become?
What is missing to achieve this?
When do I want this to happen?
How will I know that I have achieved the desired result?
What resources do I have to overcome the problem?
How can you use what prevents you from overcoming the problem?
How can I start to solve this problem?
| "My habits..." | "My secondary benefit..." |
| 1… 2… 3… | 1… 2… 3… |
3. Responsibility
Responsibility
— it is taking ownership of your actions. Responsibility does not equal guilt, because guilt— it is a feeling imposed by social rules and morals, which helps make a person comfortable for society. Responsibility does not equal cargo. Because we are responsible only for our lives and only for our feelings. But none of us is responsible for that, what choices other people make, for that, what they feel. If you don't take responsibility for your life, someone else takes it. And then this other one does this to your life, what he considers necessary. Don't make a decision or make a choice— this is also a decision and a choice.4. Self-acceptance
( self-acceptance, love for yourself (unconditional), for who you are, treating yourself as a person who is worthy of love, respect, faith in yourself, in your strengths and capabilities, trust in yourself)People who have optimal levels of self-approval and self-acceptance have the following skills and abilities:
1. Loyalty to your principles, despite the opposing opinions of others, combined with sufficient flexibility and the ability to change your opinion if it is wrong.
2. The ability to act on one's own discretion without feeling guilt or regret in the event of disapproval from others.
3. The ability not to waste time worrying excessively about tomorrow and yesterday.
4. The ability to maintain confidence in one’s abilities, despite temporary setbacks and difficulties.
5. The ability to appreciate the personality of each person and the feeling of his usefulness to others, no matter how different he is in the level of his abilities and position.
6. Relative ease in communication, the ability to both defend one’s rightness and agree with the opinions of others.
7. The ability to accept compliments and praise without feigned modesty.
8. Ability to resist.
9. The ability to accept one’s own and other people’s feelings, the ability to suppress one’s impulses.
10. The ability to find pleasure in a wide variety of activities, including work, play, socializing with friends, creative expression, or recreation.
11. Sensitive attitude to the needs of others, compliance with accepted social norms.
12. The ability to find the good in people, to believe in their integrity, despite their shortcomings.
Exercise 1.
It is convenient to start with the simplest. Take a piece of paper and write at least 10 sentences, each beginning with the words “I forgive myself for...”. List everything that upsets you about yourself, for which you are angry with yourself. No matter what mistakes you have made, remember, you deserve to accept yourself along with them. In a week, instead of the pronoun “I”, write those people who irritate, enrage, offend, oppress you. This is important because in others we react to what we condemn and reject in ourselves (“you can’t be like this…”). Then write at least 10 sentences starting with the words: “I like about myself...”. Likewise, look for merit in people you dislike. In addition to developing an objective perception of what is happening, you will thus be able to more easily find positive things in yourself. It is not necessary to write any grandiose advantages here. Pay attention to every little detail.5. Accepting praise and giving compliments
Accepting praise is seen as a rejection of self-deprecation and underestimation of one's strengths and qualities. This is the ability to say “thank you” with a smile in response to a compliment, as well as the courage to tell another what you like and what you don’t like about him. A compliment should always be sincere and specific. Its main function is to inspire a person. A compliment devoid of sincerity and faith is flattery and manipulation.
Exercise 2. “Praise yourself.”
Every day, for some the most convenient time is before bed, praise yourself for something. For the old lady transferred across the road, for a successfully completed deal, for showing restraint, etc. There are excuses - I have nothing to praise myself for - that seem to smack of some kind of false modesty, this is more a sign of laziness of the mind, lack of the habit of thinking and looking for what is needed. Practice.6. Acceptance of the other
The ability to accept another is closely related to such a phenomenon as egocentrism of thinking (
it is a hidden mental attitude, meaning the inability of an individual to change his original position towards some object, opinion or idea, even in the face of obvious contradictions. One’s own point of view is absolute, which does not allow one to understand the possibility of the existence of other, opposing points of view).All conflicts and disagreements arise precisely because of the inability to understand each other. As a result, we condemn and criticize people who are different from us. A confident person knows that everyone has the right to experience what they feel, to say what they think is necessary, since there are no wrong feelings and thoughts, there are thoughts and feelings of each individual person. Understanding this brings harmony and trust to relationships.
7. Sincerity
This difficult thing is sincerity. Sincerity in your feelings and values, in your opinions and statements. But sincerity is the greatest power in the world, because it contains the truth. People, out of fear of condemnation, criticism, ridicule, devaluation, are afraid of their sincere manifestations, therefore sincerity is discouraging, but it inspires respect and trust. Being sincere with myself is expressed in the ability to do what I should and can do at the moment, no more, no less. The ability to do what you can is an integral part of sincerity, saving you from confusion and increasing confidence.
8. The ability to say “NO”
A request is when a person turns to us for something that belongs to us. And if consent is not in our interests, we have every right to say “no.”
When someone enters into communication with you, you have the right to either refuse the interaction or determine the extent of your participation in it.
By saying “no,” we protect our interests and our boundaries. If we say “yes” when it is against our best interests, we will harm ourselves. At the same time, we are afraid of a deterioration in the relationship with this person - and this is important both in business and in everyday life. We understand that if we refuse, “he will be offended”, “he will be angry with me”, “the relationship will be worse”, “he will harm”, “later he will not give something”. We anticipate possible consequences the “blow” that we inflict with our refusal.Therefore, when we want to learn how to say “no” correctly and in a timely manner, we are faced with several problems at the same time - how to minimize the force of the blow to another person’s self-esteem, how to reduce our discomfort in a situation of refusal, how to prevent possible negative consequences of this situation in the future.
9. Using the pronoun “I” in speech
The use of the pronoun “I” in all its linguistic forms is an important indicator of confidence, as it reflects that there is a person behind the words who is not trying to hide behind vague formulations. For example, how often when describing one’s own experiences, a person uses the pronoun “you” instead of “I”: “there you feel like a stranger.” A person uses this speech paradox when he is embarrassed by his own experiences, thoughts, needs, attributing them to others. Such a person is afraid of criticism, does not trust himself and expects condemnation from others, strives to meet their expectations.
10. Proactivity
This is the understanding that the future depends on the present, on what is now happening in a person’s mind. The real life of a proactive person is that he is absolutely happy with the present, but wants more.
Three positions on current events
"Man of the Past" -
acceptance of the situation and lack of desire to change anything:“I accept this situation, everything is fine, I have to come to terms with it, it was good before, but now... but nothing can be done.”"Man of the Future"
- non-acceptance of the situation and the desire for rapid change:“I am completely unhappy with this, efforts will have to be made to speed up future events.”"The Man of the Real" -
acceptance of the situation and desire and belief in its improvement: “I'm happy with what's happening now, I accept it and believe in the best».A proactive person does not make his mood dependent on external circumstances, he is not afraid to be left alone, to be unrecognized, misunderstood, to stand out from the crowd, because he understands that in order to be happy he already has everything.
Exercise. "Confidence Map" Draw a map of your own confidence. Take a sheet of paper, preferably A4, and pens/pencils/markers. On one part of the map there will be a zone of confidence, on the other - a zone of uncertainty, and the people with whom you communicate or want to communicate are distributed along the map. Somewhere closer to the border there must be people (or events) with whom you feel average. In the far zone of uncertainty are people and cases when you feel extremely anxious and difficult. And in the zone of confidence - situations in which you feel great, courageous, and communicate with ease.
You can add to your map: create a city of trust and ease in the zone of confidence. In the zone of uncertainty there are factories for the production of constraint, factories of complexes... I am attaching an example to help you. As you can see, the map is drawn a simple person, not an artist, and you can do the same!
The term “assertiveness” itself appeared in Russian psychologists and business coaches relatively recently - about ten years ago. At the same time, few people manage to briefly explain what it means. In short, the ability to behave assertively is the ability to achieve your goals and communicate with others in such a way that neither your rights nor theirs are violated.
In addition, assertiveness as a quality implies a certain personal autonomy, independence from other people’s opinions and the assessment of others, the ability to independently plan one’s own life and implement these plans.
At the same time, assertiveness as a method of communication is the optimal way of interaction, in which you do not manipulate the interlocutor, but also do not allow yourself to become an object of manipulation.
We are familiar with the expression “human rights”. Assertive behavior represents the practical implementation of certain “psychological rights” that we often forget about. In particular, at any moment in your life you absolutely have the right to change your mind, refuse someone or say “I don’t understand you” and not feel remorse about this.
If we approach the issue in a little more detail, we can say that assertiveness involves three components:
· Ability to protect and defend one’s own rights and interests
· The ability to formulate and defend one’s own opinion, even if this involves any difficulties.
· Ability to express your feelings and emotions.
Assertiveness is the ability of a person to confidently and with dignity defend his rights without trampling on the rights of others. Assertive is direct, open behavior that is not intended to harm other people. A variety of special socio-psychological training programs have been developed aimed at developing and strengthening assertiveness. Some of them are more behaviorally oriented, others are more oriented towards the traditions of humanistic psychology, but all of them are guided to one degree or another by the principle of developing a person’s ability to be firm, honest and friendly.
Adolescence is considered a relatively young achievement for humanity. Most researchers associate its appearance with the development of society, which places new, higher demands on people in terms of social maturity. If previously, in order to be considered an adult, a person had to go through the point of puberty, now this is not enough: a young person is faced with the task of meeting the requirements of society, and only by solving this problem can he be recognized as mature.
Different authors have proposed different lists of such development tasks. Accordingly, the length of time during which these development tasks can and should be resolved was assessed differently. Hence, there are significant differences in the timing of the beginning and end of adolescence and its duration in a person’s life.
However, the vast majority of psychologists, characterizing this age period, note the presence of drastic changes affecting almost all areas of a teenager’s life, leading to a restructuring of the entire system of relationships with others.
Many psychologists have addressed adolescence. Thus, St. Hall, who was the first to describe the features of adolescence and outline the range of problems associated with this age, considering human development from the standpoint of the theory of recapitulation, characterized adolescence as a period of storm and stress. Sh. Numerous studies have contributed to a wide range of facts regarding mental development during adolescence. The teenager accepts the changes that occur to his body in connection with the process of puberty, acquires new cognitive abilities, builds a hierarchy of motives that determine the scope of his preferences, develops new ways of regulating his own behavior (learns to manage himself), forms his own views on current events, builds his own worldview system, makes the first life choices (profession, loved one, direction of self-development, etc.), establishes new relationships with parents, taking into account their own increased independence and independence, enters into electoral interpersonal relationships friendship and love with peers.
The main outcome of adolescence is considered to be the achievement of a new level of self-awareness, i.e. By the end of this period, a person receives a certain holistic idea of himself, relates to himself emotionally, tries to change negative traits in himself, and sets goals for self-development. Knowing oneself involves comparing oneself with others, so communication, especially communication with peers, takes on special importance in adolescence (peers are in equal positions, which provides maximum opportunities for social comparison).
There are a number of characteristics of confident behavior:
1. Emotional speech, openness in expressing feelings.
2. Direct and honest expression of one’s own opinion, without regard to others.
3. Use of the pronoun I, no attempts to hide behind vague formulations.
4. Accepting praise and refusal without self-deprecation and underestimation of one’s strengths and qualities.
5. Improvisation as a spontaneous expression of feelings and needs.
Taking responsibility for your own behavior. At its core, assertiveness is a philosophy of personal responsibility. That is, we are talking about the fact that we are responsible for our own behavior and have no right to blame other people for our reaction to their behavior. It is important for any coach to react intelligently to situations, and not give instant answers.
Demonstrating self-respect and respect for others. The main component of assertiveness is the presence of self-esteem and respect for other people. If you don't respect yourself, then who will respect you? Respect yourself because the employees participating in the training must respect you as a trainer.
Effective communication. In this case, the main ones are the following three qualities - honesty, openness and directness in conversation, but not at the expense of the emotional state of the other person. It's about being able to say what you think or feel about an issue without upsetting your communication partner. It is important that the trainer can communicate effectively with managers and ordinary employees. training confident behavior assertiveness teenager
Demonstrating confidence and a positive attitude. Assertive behavior involves developing confidence and a positive attitude. Self-confidence is related to two things: self-esteem and the knowledge that we are professionals who are good at our craft. All trainers must have strong confidence and a positive attitude in order to effectively deal with difficult situations that may arise during training activities.
Assertiveness requires the ability to listen carefully and the desire to understand the other person's point of view. We all consider ourselves good listeners, but the question arises how often do we move from facts to assumptions when listening to another person, and how often do we interrupt others in order to quickly make our point? point of view? Any trainer must learn carefully and listen productively and understand the essence of various problems and issues. Only then will he be able to offer solutions that will be positive.
Negotiations and reaching a working compromise. The desire to achieve a working compromise is a very important quality for you, the head of the department responsible for training activities. Sometimes there is a need to find a way out of the current situation that would suit all parties involved in it. The department responsible for training activities often acts as an intermediary between several parties: senior managers, trade unions, line managers and ordinary employees.
Finding simple ways out of difficult situations. Assertiveness helps us in the process of searching and finding simple ways out of difficult situations. It is not always easy to come to a consensus on the size of the budget for training activities, to clearly determine the future path of development of training activities in your organization, to convince managers of the importance of their role in the process of planning training activities, and also to manage them. This is why the ability to act assertively in difficult situations is a very useful skill.
Confident people have a huge influence on others. They achieve success faster. They are energetic, less dependent on circumstances, and prefer to shape them themselves. Confident people always have a huge influence on others.
Only calm confidence can create a zone of attraction that people always unmistakably identify. Confident people achieve success faster than others. They are energetic, less dependent on circumstances, because they prefer to shape them themselves. The dynamite of doubt is needed to explode the prejudices of the past. And the cement of confidence in order to build the building of our future.
Lack of confidence deprives a person of inner strength and weakens his position in life. The weak rarely succeed because they are constantly tormented by doubts.
Unconfident people are unable to analyze a difficult situation and are unable to make a responsible decision. They are not perceived as serious business partners. Their distinguishing feature is constant dissatisfaction with life; they are rarely left in a bad mood. They do not know such a thing as fortitude.
Confidence is a state of mind. "...And according to faith it will be rewarded to you."
The less culture people have, the less they are able to think and act, the faster they lose their heads. It is no coincidence that all sustainable cultures place such importance on establishing confidence.
Confident people always act as leaders—active, proactive, and capable of taking risks. Insecure people tend to play the role of victim.
As you know, everything is learned by comparison. To fully understand what confidence is, you must first understand what uncertainty is. Let's note the main points.
Uncertainty:
* lethargy, weakness throughout the body, pallor;
* stiffness of movements, unnatural gestures, “closed” poses;
* speech is inexpressive, there are no clear formulations;
* hostile perception of the world, excessive touchiness, tearfulness;
* feeling of inferiority, awkwardness, guilt;
* feeling of loss of control over the situation.
Confidence:
* lightness throughout the body;
* feeling of inner strength;
* ease of gestures and poses, gracefulness of movements;
* positive perception of the world;
* emotional coloring and imagery of speech;
* feeling of self-worth, pride;
* feeling of complete control over the situation.
Assertiveness represents a kind of “golden mean” between passivity and aggressiveness - two obviously losing strategies. A passive person is unable to convey his opinions and feelings to others; he sits with his hands folded and waits for the incident to be resolved. Obviously, such passivity leads to a loss of control over the situation.
On the contrary, the aggressor “rushes” at the problem as if it were an embrasure and is inclined to demand everything for himself at once, without taking into account at all the interests of those around him or the other party when it comes to a conflict. Aggressive behavior can sometimes even be unpleasant to observe, let alone experience: people prone to this strategy can be rude, overly straightforward, and assertive.
A variant of “passive-aggressive” behavior is also common. They say about this “there are devils in still waters.” People prone to this like to “accumulate grievances” and make plans for revenge on the sly. Passive aggression manifests itself through refusal to fulfill requests, inaction, or open sabotage. In any case, all three strategies are not productive and “lose” to assertive behavior.
1) The development of methodological foundations of training presupposes the need to clarify the general and individual in different forms training, as well as drawing boundaries between training itself and other methods that can be defined as methods of intentional change.
2) Adolescence is a special period of mental development, during which significant qualitative changes occur, necessitating a restructuring of the entire system of relationships with others and leading to the emergence of a new level of development of self-awareness.
3) There is a typology according to which various training programs are divided depending on the appeal to the specific problems of the individual, the goals that are set for the group.
4) Assertiveness as a method of communication is the optimal way of interaction.
