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When a child reaches adolescence, problems arise one after another. And most often in the world of boys it is not customary to tell parents about them. When mothers catch their child in a lie for the first time, it seems to them that a real catastrophe has occurred. Instead of panicking and scolding your sons, Rosalind Weissman, a teacher and author of popular books on psychology for parents, suggests creating conditions for children that make it easier for them to tell the truth than to lie again. For her book “Leaders and Followers, or How to Survive in the World of Boys,” published by the Azbuka publishing house, she interviewed more than 160 teenagers and their parents who shared their experiences and concerns, and came up with several typical problems in the process of raising boys. Letidor publishes an excerpt from this book.

Why lies are so attractive

One mother convinced me: “It is very important to teach your son honesty. Honesty is our greatest family value. My son is an honest boy." (I hear about the same thing from other parents). The woman “shared” her thoughts with me when we were preparing to film a program about boys and lies. I had a strange impression when later her son lied blindly in front of hidden cameras; I just fidgeted in my chair. As a teacher, I know that children and teenagers lie much more often than we parents think. However, never before in front of me – and in front of my mother – has the image of an honest son been destroyed.

That mother is far from an exception; on the contrary, she is a typical representative of parents who, for obvious reasons, define sincerity as a virtue, associate it with family values, and try to instill this belief in their children in the hope that they will not lie. However, children and teenagers lie.

Understanding why boys lie is difficult; you either believe that you and your son have an excellent relationship, or, on the contrary, you think that he constantly lies and should not be trusted. In any of these cases, you yourself harm the relationship and expose your belief in the need to cultivate honesty and directness to an even greater blow. The situation is, to put it mildly, difficult, so remember the following :

To become a good liar, you need to be socially literate, sociable, and prevent possible “leaks” (inconsistencies that reveal a lie).

On Various types lies and should be reacted differently. For example, in order to justify misbehavior, a child lies in a completely different way than if he was trying to hide problems.

Don't take his lies personally.

If you do take lying to heart, your anger, resentment, and frustration will not teach your son that honesty is rewarded. On the contrary, he will learn to hide and lie even more.

Boys lie to their friends and parents in completely different ways. It would seem that this is obvious, but if parents catch their son lying to his friends, they simply will not recognize him.

How do parents most often – and quite logically – warn their sons? “If you make a mistake or stumble somewhere, then it’s better to say everything honestly.” With this phrase, parents seem to appeal to respect: they say, honor the family moral code, and correctly report that lying will only aggravate the situation. It works with some boys, but with most of the boys I've worked with it doesn't. At least not when they decide to lie. Why?

The answer will become clear if you look at the situation through the eyes of a teenager. The reward for honesty is abstract and distant: parental pride and self-esteem. The reward for lying is concrete and comes immediately.

Let’s say a son breaks a neighbor’s window and reasons like this: “I’ll tell the truth - my parents will get mad, I’ll have to explain myself, and I’ll also be forced to answer for my crime. If I lie, I won’t have to endure reproaches from my elders, I won’t be forced to pay for broken window from your pocket money or apologize to those weird neighbors.” When we tell children: “Tell the truth, and nothing will happen to you,” we forget exactly how children imagine punishment. Confessing to you, explaining everything, and then being disappointed in you and then going to ask forgiveness from neighbors you don’t know well - this is how children understand punishment. If you think the same way, you will understand why lies seem so attractive to children.

If your son is hiding the fact that he broke a window, this does not mean that he is a liar. And he's not weak-willed. Remember: 96% of boys lie. I don't condone lies. I only ask that you understand the reasons why your son lies - so that you can respond to his lies with dignity, and he understands for himself that the future results that honesty brings will outweigh the immediate benefits of hiding or distorting the truth in order to avoid punishment. In addition, conversations with boys taught me this: our reaction to their lies and our false accusations is a direct reflection of our relationships now and in the future. So the real question is: Do children see what we are trying to achieve and how seriously do they take us?

Some parents believe that if you look into a child’s eyes, the truth will flow out of him in a stream under the influence of a sort of lie detector. However, a good liar will easily pass the test: he is collected, cool-blooded and, no matter what, will stand his ground.

Parents often don't see when their children are lying - they only think they see. Having become adept at lying, the child will calmly pass the “look test”, and the parents will think that he is telling the truth. But the worst thing is when parents do not believe the truthful words of their children and accuse them of lying. Children are infuriated that adults do not see the difference. Ironically, once parents catch a child in a lie, they mistakenly begin to consider him a liar. Such a fatal mistake not only spoils the relationship with the child - it negatively affects the atmosphere in the family as a whole.

Mom thinks big brother–an honest guy, although he lies all the time. He just knows how to lie, and I always get caught. I'm not a liar. When my brother lies, I go up to him and ask: “Why are you lying?”, and he answers: “Because I can.” He annoys me. I really want to hand him over to my mother, but she doesn’t want to hear anything. And when she thinks that I’m lying, all I can do is say: “Well, I’m lying like that, so be it your way, punish me already.” I'm angry with her and that's why I don't tell her anything.

Aaron, 15 years old
To make things clear, Aaron is a nice boy and behaves thoughtfully and decently, but his mother's belief that she has figured out who is a liar and who is honest has far-reaching consequences. Aaron doesn't just know she's wrong; he feels that his mother will not listen to him and does not consider him a worthy person. He moves away from her: he smiles, shrugs, and the mother takes these gestures as signs of disrespect and a disregardful attitude. If a child thinks that he is a priori considered a liar, he will either live up to these expectations or stop communicating with his parents. Most likely, he will still start lying, because he seems to have nothing to lose in this situation.

Reason one: self-deception

Why do boys lie if they understand that you can easily figure out the deception? Ph.D. Anthony Wolf calls lies in similar situations"a lie for the future." That is, the boy lies, being sincerely confident that later he will certainly fulfill the order. Having declared: “I walked the dog,” “I cleaned the room,” “I did my homework,” the boy does not consider himself a liar: after all, in the end he will keep his promises! After understanding this concept and thereby seeing the confusion in my boys' heads regarding time and space, I began to yell at them much less often. No, I still have to remind them about chores and homework, but I no longer feel like they're deliberately trying to piss me off.

Reason two: dosage of parental intervention

Boys believe that their parents react too violently to troubles and rush to sort them out. In their opinion, best strategy– keep you in relative ignorance: that is, dose the information you receive from them. They will go to any lengths to minimize parental interference in their school life, extracurricular activities and hobbies. From the point of view of parents, such behavior makes no sense: after all, who else but us - people who wish only good things for their children - can help and point in the right direction? However, the parent's reaction to the problems causes the child to become even more fearful, upset, and angry. Why do boys lie if they know in advance that they will be found out? Dre's response perfectly sums up their shared opinion: “I'd rather be scolded once than be yelled at every day. If I tell the truth, I get locked out of the house every weekend.”

Reason three: protection

You probably know about this reason and think that its essence is to evade responsibility for an offense? Boys lie to protect themselves or their friends, or, in some cases, to protect someone else from the truth. Boys are often afraid that others (including you) will reveal their true selves; They are afraid of your assessment and condemnation.

Reason four: freedom and independence

Boys need the freedom to go wherever they want, they believe that they themselves can perfectly assess the level of danger. At the same time, parents are convinced that they will do this much better than their sons. For example, little boys quite calmly climb onto the roof of a house to shoot with a water blaster at passing cars. (“Mom, everything will be fine. No one will get hurt.”) Indeed, no one was hurt with them. Your fears that they will fall or provoke car accident, are groundless: you can’t imagine how skillfully the boys climb the roofs and how accurate they are - they are not going to shoot at the cars at all, but only next to them.

Yes, there is another reason for lying - the boys know about possible consequences of their actions, but they believe that it will pass. Even taking into account previous experience of deception, they are more likely to remember cases when they were not punished for their tricks, rather than when they were caught. Teenagers consider themselves invulnerable - at least that's what adults like to say. I have no doubt about the truth of this statement, but before we continue, take a look in the mirror. Have you ever texted while driving? Have you gotten behind the wheel after a glass of beer or wine, even if there were children in the car? All I'm saying is that teenagers are not the only ones who deny the possibility of retribution for their misdeeds.

Reason five: concealment

Let's look at cases where boys lie to cover up inappropriate or illegal behavior. It is important to remember: many people draw a line between deception and misrepresentation. Lying to you is undoubtedly a shameful and punishable act. But lying is a moot point, since your child is no longer responsible for your possible assumptions.

Once you become a parent, it is critical for your own mental health and the safety of your child to receive necessary information from other adults. I'm serious. Even if you are a very good parent, you still need eyes and ears for cover. The best agents are those who like your children, who know what they are capable of (in good and bad ways), and whom your children respect without being afraid to get into trouble.

The best way to build a network of agents is to contact the parents of your son's friends. If the child plays sports, in a theater club or club young technician, meet the parents of the other participants. It is not necessary to make friends, you just need to know how to contact them if something happens, and also, without a shadow of embarrassment, admit that you have problems with your child. Every parent has a situation in their life when they don’t know something important about their child, and the only way to find out is to ask other adults. In addition, the more your children are convinced that you communicate closely with the parents of their friends, the less confident they will be in lying. At the first convenient opportunity, make a list of your son’s friends and enter their parents’ cell numbers into the phone’s memory.

You get close to him

From birth, children study us with the sole, main goal - to learn how to manipulate us. With even a modicum of social literacy, they figure out how to outwit us, wear us down, or outflank us altogether. That is why they often deceive us so cleverly. Being on the verge of failure, they will do everything to throw their parents off the scent. Let me give you an example:

Boy: Why do not you believe me?
Parent: I still believe it.
Boy: That's okay. (End of conversation; he leaves the room or puts on headphones).

Boy: Why don't you trust me?
Parent: It's not that I don't trust you, I just want to know what's going on.
Boy: Now you know. (Leaves the room or puts on headphones.)

Boy: If I'm lying to you, why then am I trying to prove that I'm telling the truth?
Parent: Why are you so angry, I don’t understand?
Boy: I am not angry. You are the one behaving illogically. (Takes out his phone and writes a text message.)

Such conversations only happen between sons and mothers; Boys don't allow themselves to do this with their fathers. If the dialogue with your son follows one of the above schemes, then you have serious problems: the child does not respect your authority and manipulates your emotions to get his way. He may love you, take care of you, but at the same time completely disrespect you as an elder. Don't take it seriously. You don't have to put up with this. I advise mothers to realize that they can love their son, but at the same time defend their positions. It is possible to expose lies, disrespect, neglect and attempts to manipulate you and still be supportive with your child. good relations. Dads, it’s not a good idea to use this loophole: you will only confuse your son, and he will no longer become the worthy person that you, in your own words, are trying to raise from him.

Usually we raise children together with someone. Whether you are married or not, raising children as a couple requires a completely different approach - in this matter you need to present a united front, support each other. It is moments like these that lay the foundation for a boy's moral values, his general attitude toward women, and his sense that the world is an emotionally safe place where certain standards apply.

I don’t like to constantly doubt your words, but with lies you force me to meddle in your life. I want to believe you. I want to respect your word. And it’s important for me to know what’s going on if you resort to such tricks.

The only situation when you can reprimand a child in front of strangers is if he conspires with his friends to deceive you. Leave the room and call other parents, but so that everyone can hear.

Don't expect an easy agreement to cooperate. Even if you do everything right, it may turn out that your son still won’t open up. Then it is best to return to the starting positions.

And now you are about to leave home for a couple of hours...

As soon as you leave children unattended, they go crazy. What if you wanted to go to the cinema for an hour or two or have dinner at a restaurant on a Saturday night? You're not leaving town for the whole weekend! Some parents are not afraid to leave their children for three hours, others are afraid that a bacchanalia will break out at home. Let's take a look at the picture from the outside. Ask yourself what are you really afraid of - a tragedy in the house or the fact that your son is left unattended?

Eat several ways to cope with your eldest son while you are not at home. Cameras can be installed; however, you can’t take aim at every corner, and the child will feel that he is not respected. You can say that you will be back at half past eleven, and come home at ten - and see what awaits you. Or cheat a little by saying: “Bye, dear, we’ll be back some time after the film.” The beauty of this method is that you are not lying, but " alarm button" in my son's brain turns on. Even having invited guests, he will not enjoy the party, tensely awaiting your arrival.

Do you have grounds to frame your son? Everything here is ambiguous. Of course, the fact that he is still a teenager is a sufficient reason in itself, but trying to give him a surprise check will offend him. Remember: you are the judge, jury and executioner. Be fair, consistent and don't shy away from the games he may play with you. One thing is for sure: no matter what approach you choose, there will inevitably be moments when your son gets really angry. And in this case you need to know how to act.

Are you faced with the fact that your man is constantly deceiving you, are you tired of watching him get out of situations in every possible way, are you tired of lies? So who doesn’t get bored! Therefore, today we will figure out how to understand whether your passion is really deceiving you, why he does it and what is the best thing to do if your boyfriend does not stop lying. You will be able to act thoughtfully, sort everything out and make the only right decision.

So that you can understand why a guy is lying, take note of several reasons:

1. To the rescue. A man is afraid to tell a woman something, fears for her reaction or attitude to some circumstance. Having lied or failed to finish speaking once, he begins to do it unconsciously again and again. For example, a girl wants children in the near future, the guy agrees, but every year he puts it off until later. It is obvious that he does not intend to start one with you, he is just comfortable with the girl, or he likes her, but he does not want to offend her.
2. "Peekaboo". This type of lie is characteristic of those who like to exaggerate and embellish reality. Some people most often simply cannot stand discussing serious issues and do not like to talk about their mistakes and admit them.
3. Unscrupulousness and meanness. The most common option is when a man lies at every turn, big time, maybe even leads double play. For example, he tells you that he is at work, and at this time he goes on vacation with friends. But what’s even worse is that people with a similar character may not even feel remorse when they come home after meeting another woman.

Psychology experts say that a number of reasons can contribute to deception:

• problems at work;
• disrespect or misunderstanding in family relationships;
• poor relationship with parents;
• distrust of the partner;
• lack of confidence in you;
• fear of getting close to someone.

Many boys who were raised strictly are accustomed to defending themselves from demanding parents. Knowing that they would take some information with hostility, they simply hid it or gave out something completely different.

Others, in order not to further traumatize their woman’s psyche, are accustomed to keeping silent about something. In this case, it turns out that the girl’s excessive emotionality is to blame. There are such character traits in some males, which makes them “take care” of their partner by turning everything around them pink.

If he constantly lies to you, perhaps he doesn't need you at all. We wrote earlier about how to understand this. You can find it here. You will see whether he loves you or is faking it.

Perhaps your young man something happened and he doesn’t want to upset his beloved. Be prepared for this situation: we have prepared an article specifically for this about. You will need to pay attention to his behavior and gestures.

What if he is in love with you, but hides his feelings? This can also be regarded as deception. This one.

Don't be discouraged, even if the guy is constantly lying. Try it with our tips. You will learn not to be afraid of them and overcome them.

Read here. You will learn to determine how he feels about you, whether the guy hides his emotions, whether he thinks about you from a distance.

How to expose a liar

To find out if he is cheating, take a closer look at the behavior of your significant other. If a man, when answering your questions, changes the topic and tries to laugh it off, then most likely he is being obfuscated and hiding something. In this case, you need to take it by surprise. Pretend to fall for the trick, continue the conversation along the direction he has set, or laugh in response to his joke. When he relaxes, ask a question that interests you (where he was, what he did). He won't have time to react correctly, and you can catch him in a lie.

The second way to determine deception is to study a man’s gestures and facial expressions during a conversation. The main signs of lying are averting the eyes to the side, indirect gaze, slight trembling in the hands and closed postures. If such nuances are difficult to track, then watch him for several days.

If he is rude to you, perhaps the man is deceiving. This can also be indicated by the fact that the guy hides his phone and has passwords on his computer. If a man has closed himself off from you, he is definitely hiding something.

What to do if a guy is lying to you

Remember that you need to worry only when the young man’s behavior has really changed, if he has become withdrawn and closed himself off from you. If you managed to figure out what prompted him to deceive, then deciding how to correct the current situation is much easier.

If the problems are not that serious, the best way out is a heart-to-heart conversation. There is no need to raise a scandal; under no circumstances should you spoil the nerves of both yourself and your man. You can talk about everything calmly and reasonably. It is important to let him know that you know about the lie, that you understand the reason for it, that you want to fix everything. If a man truly loves a woman and values ​​her, he will meet such an offer with pleasure. So everything will soon get better through joint efforts.

If a man tries to lie blatantly, shamelessly and vilely, the man doesn’t care about your inner state, then you need to think about whether you need all this? In such cases, the most in an effective way will be the following: take paper and pen, sit at the table and write down everything that is on your soul, do not miss a single detail. Believe me, after re-reading your thoughts just once, you will see the resolution of an exciting issue. It will become clear to you whether you need to fight for your partner or whether you should take care of your personal well-being.

Listen to what the lie specialist says, very interesting recommendations in this video:

Never panic. Take care of your nerves, because their disorder promises health problems. Emotional outbursts also prevent a woman from soberly assessing the situation.

ZORENKA SHALELA
Music and lyrics by G. Demidov

The dawn turned red over the Moscow River.
The red color spread over the whole country.
Plows and fields are shrouded in haze.
Oh, wonderful wonder, Russian land!

The dawn flared up over my native Moscow.
The red one admired the wonderful beauty:
The endless distance, peaceful lands,
Our marvelous wonder, Russian land.

The dawn flared up. The sun is rising.
The wind carries the song of a nightingale into the distance.
The dew scattered like pearls of grief.
Oh, wonderful wonder, Russian land!

SONG ABOUT THE MOTHERLAND
Music by R. Boyko, lyrics by A. Prokofiev
(text in the collection)

MY VILLAGE
Music by N. Kudrin, lyrics by V. Gundarev

FIRST FURROW
Music by V. Bukin, lyrics by V. Lazarev

1. Peasants came from different villages,
And Lenin arrived on that memorable day.
And those peasant people waited,
It will go like a Soviet tractor across the field.

Chorus: And we will never forget,
Just like the first strip lay.
How the first strip lay,
We will never forget.

2. The peasants sighed
And all around fell silent,
And cut the earth
Swift plow.
And the people behind the firstborn
We walked as if in a dream,
In a hungry, cold,
Happy country.
Chorus

3. With peasants nearby
Behind that furrow
Our beloved leader was walking,
Dear Ilyich.
And they were in that field
The steps are not easy.
And they burned tractor drivers
Fists in the night.
Chorus

4. Now it’s too far
Those days and years
Across the starry sky
The furrow has passed.
By our fields
Golden destiny -
They make noise and ears
Thick breads!

Chorus: And we will never, ever forget,
Just like the first furrow was laid.
How the first furrow was laid -
We will never forget.

OF BREAD
Music by N. Polikarpov, lyrics by V. Semernin
(text in the collection)

OBELISKS
Music and lyrics by L. Dmitriev

On Bryansk roads,
On Bryansk roads
The obelisks stand silently
Warmed by flowers.
Warmed by flowers
The grief of relatives or friends.

The wind makes a barely audible noise,
The branches bend low.

On Bryansk roads,
On Bryansk roads
The obelisks stand silently.
Under gray granite
Under gray granite
The partisans sleep in eternal sleep,
Hastening to visit them,
Hastening to visit them,
People get up very early.

The granite glows dimly,
Hiding the bloody wounds.
Under gray granite
Under gray granite
The partisans are sleeping in eternal sleep.

On white marble,
On white marble
The lines are written in gold.
Arriving at the obelisk,
Arriving at the obelisk.
Read everything here to the point.
Having learned the names of the heroes,
Tell your son or daughter.
On white marble
On white marble
The lines are written in gold.
On Bryansk roads,

On Bryansk roads
The obelisks stand silently.

PRIDONYE SWEET BLOWERS
Music by Y. Zatsarny, lyrics by M. Shishlyannikov

The dawn has risen over the quiet Don,
Above our free side.
Everything around in the cherry orchards is drowning.
A steppe breeze blows from the field.

The accordion tune rings far away,
Gray smoke billows over the village.
Okay, my dear, beloved,
Meet the clear dawn together.

The dew fell like silver on the fields,
A new day is rising over the Motherland.
Look how free and happy
All the dear Don region is blooming.

OUR RUSSIAN WINTER
Music by G. Ponomarenko, lyrics by P. Chernyaev

Oh, how much blue there is in the sky,
Your head will spin.
Everywhere, everywhere there is white frost,
Like girlish lace.

Chorus: Snow, snow.
There are trees and houses in the snow.
How good is it?
How good is it?
Our Russian winter!

At the edge of the forest the wind is biting.
He hums and sings like crazy.
Birch trees in white felt boots
We went out to the winter round dance.
Chorus

And our faces are frosty
He rubs it with red.
We are going, as they say,
One ski track for two.
Chorus

Oh, so much, so much blue,
Your head will spin.
Everywhere, everywhere there is white frost,
Like girlish lace.

Chorus: Snow, snow.
There are trees and houses in the snow.
How good is it?
How good is it?
Our Russian winter!

LENOCHEK
Music by L. Dmitriev, lyrics by T. Alekseeva

It’s good to go out into the field in the evening,
Look at the Russian freedom.
There are thick flax trees,
There are thick flax trees,
Sea wave pigeons.

Blue-eyed flax.
Warm summer breeze
Fall in love with you.

In the field, among the flax between the narrow,
The girl comes from a Russian fairy tale.
Alyonushka is beautiful,
Alyonushka is beautiful,
Behind her back, like flax, is a braid.
Chorus

The wind sways the golden strand.
The red sundress is embroidered in satin stitch.
And the flax is blooming all around,
And the flax is blooming all around,
Affectionately clings to the girl.
Chorus

The girl raised the flax herself,
In the rain and heat I went to the pole.
And grateful flax,
And grateful flax
The low one bows.

Chorus: Oh, little lenochka, little lenochka,
Blue-eyed flax,
Warm summer breeze
Fall in love with you.

SWAN GEESE FLYING BY
Music by A. Emanov, lyrics by L. Shikina
(text in the collection)

THREE AGES
Music by L. Pechnikov, lyrics by M. Isakovsky

Behind the dam, behind the mill,
Where are the shaky bridges?
At sunset three girls the same age
They are walking by the river.
Then they will walk along the shore,
They will stand above the water,
Then they will pick a branch
Young from a birch tree.

They'll try it, touch it -
Is the water in the river warm?
As if just for this
They came here.
And dusk is falling -
Isn't it time to go home?
And more and more often three girls the same age
They look into the distance.

And in the distance the fog just spreads -
It smokes over the river,
And in the distance only one thing can be heard,
How the mill makes noise.
And there is not a month in the sky,
No month, no stars.
And the girls went back
Offended to tears.

Behind the dam, behind the mill,
Where are the shaky bridges?
At sunset three girls the same age
We walked by the river.
Those high clear voices
Floated over the river:
- Well, you boys are deceivers.
Forgot, didn’t come?!

LIKE SNOW
Music and lyrics by Yu. Rybnikov

Like snow
Our cherry tree was blown over.
Looking at someone's guys at night
They came to our village.

With a ringing song
They walk along the street
All the girls with you
They'll take you to a party.

I would also
I went for a walk until the morning,
If I didn’t love Kolya,
If only Kolya hadn’t been waiting.

He will serve, he will return,
And then we are together
Along the village, in front of all the people,
Let's all get through happier!

IF WE NEED EACH OTHER
Music by G. Ponomarenko, lyrics by G. Georgiev

A cloud with the sky, a wind with a blizzard,
May with the grass, and you with me.
If you need us each other,
This means they are connected by fate.

Stop cursing separation
And drink it to the dregs.
If we need each other
We are not afraid of separation.

Don't look after him in fear,
I can't stop loving you.
If we need each other
So so be it.

A cloud with the sky, a wind with a blizzard,
May with the grass, and you with me.
If we need each other
This day is not far off.

31

A man may say: “I’m terribly overwhelmed at work; I recently experienced the breakup of a serious relationship, which was a big blow for me; my parents’ divorce left an indelible mark on my soul and brought a lot of new troubles; now I need to focus on my career; I’m not I can be in a relationship until things get better in my life; as soon as my situation improves, I will leave my wife, girlfriend, lousy job; I’m terribly busy.” It’s easier for us to jump out of a window than to say: “You’re not right for me.” We are one hundred percent sure that in this case you will kill us or yourself, or both of us, or, even worse, start crying and screaming. Even if we don't say it, we clearly show our attitude to you. Stop making excuses for us, our actions speak for themselves: we just don’t like you.

1. HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU THAT MUCH SINCE HE WON'T ASK YOU OUT ON A DATE.

Excuse option: Maybe he doesn't want to ruin our friendship

I hate to tell you this, but this excuse doesn't hold water. Unfortunately, throughout human history, this excuse has never been used by those who really meant it. If we really care about a woman, we can't bring ourselves to stop - we want more. And please don't tell me he's just "scared." The only thing he is afraid of - and I say this with sincere sympathy for you - is to admit that he is not attracted to you at all.

Excuse option: He probably doesn't dare take the first step

You can hint to a man that you like him, but you shouldn't help him ask you out. I repeat again, dear ladies: the fact that you smile and playfully wink at him will be quite enough.

Excuse option: Maybe he doesn't want to rush things.

If a man really likes you, but there are deeply personal reasons why he doesn't want to rush things, he'll tell you immediately. He will not leave you in the dark because he needs confidence that you will not be disappointed and disappear from his life.

An excuse like “But he gave me his phone number.”

Don't let him use cheap tricks to get you to ask him out on a date. If a man is interested in you, he will take all the troubles upon himself. It sounds a little old-fashioned, but when a man likes a woman, he asks her out.

An excuse like “Perhaps he forgot about me.”

Rest assured, you've made an impression on him. Now leave everything as it is. If he likes you, he will remember you even after a tsunami, flood or defeat of the Russian national team in the next match. If he has forgotten about you, you should not waste time on him. Do you know why? Because you are great.

• Any excuse essentially means that you are of little interest to him. Men are not afraid to “ruin friendships.”
• Don't fall for his tricks and don't ask him out. If he likes you, he will invite you himself.
• If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will do it.
• “Hey, let's meet at such and such a party / in some bar / at a friend's house” does not belong to the category of invitations for a date. Even if you live in New York.
• The man remembers well whether he liked you when he met, so hang up.
• You are good enough to be asked out.

2. HE DON'T LIKE YOU SO MUCH IF HE DON'T CALL YOU

Men know how to use the telephone.

An excuse like “But he’s on the road so often.”

Take note: a man who is interested in you wants to spend time with you. And he will be content with five phone calls only if he can’t catch the plane to rush to you.

An excuse like “But his head is busy with completely different things.”

The most important question here is: “Is it normal if a man forgets to call me?” I answer: “No.” Unless he needs to rush someone to the hospital or someone stole his Ferrari. He should never forget that he promised to call you. If I really like you, I will never forget about you. Don't you expect the kind of guy who would rather forget about everything that happened in his life than forget about you?

An excuse like “He’s not saying what he really means.”

That's the problem: at the end of the date or telephone conversation many men tell you what they think you would like to hear. They think it's better than nothing. So if the guy you're dating doesn't call you despite all his promises, is it worth getting hung up on him? After all, you want a man who can at least keep his word.

An excuse like “But he’s very busy.”

Now I'm going to make an outrageous, harsh and categorical statement regarding the relationship between a man and a woman: the word "busy" is complete nonsense, usually used by asses. The word “busy” can destroy any relationship in one gulp. Being extremely “busy” may seem like a convincing excuse, but in reality this concept always hides a man who was not interested in calling you. Remember: men will always have time to achieve what they want.

One hundred percent of the surveyed representatives of the stronger sex said: they will always find a minute to call a woman they really like.

• If he doesn't call you, it means he doesn't think about you.
• If he makes promises and then lets you down in small ways, rest assured that the same will happen when it comes to bigger things. Keep this in mind and keep in mind that this guy will have no problem disappointing you.
• You should not build a relationship with someone who is unable to keep his word.
• If he is unwilling to make the slightest effort to calm you down and smooth over the brewing conflicts in your relationship, then he simply does not respect your feelings and needs.
• "Busy" is the same as "donkey". And "donkey" is the same as the guy you're dating.
• You fucking deserve to be called.

3. HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU SO MUCH IF HE WON'T ACCEPT THE FACT THAT YOU'RE DATING

Spending time together does not mean dating

An excuse like “He just went through a painful breakup.”

He may be one of your closest friends, but as a man he's not that into you. Beware of the word "friend". It is often used by men or women who are in love with these men to justify their most swinish behavior. When choosing friends, I prefer people who don't upset me.

The "But we're really dating" excuse.

Men, like women, strive to gain a sense of security and safety when they see a relationship becoming serious. One common way to achieve this is to claim your loved one. A man who is truly passionate about you will want you to be his. What's wrong with that, girls?

The "It's better than nothing" excuse.

Let me remind you: you want a man who wants you, calls you regularly and makes you feel like the sexiest and most desirable woman in the world. He longs to see you more and more often, because each time his feeling grows stronger, growing from sympathy into true love. A relationship in which you meet a man once every two weeks or once a month without feeling any love or sympathy from him can last a day, or a week, or a month. But can they last a lifetime?

One hundred percent of men surveyed said that fear of a serious relationship has never stopped them from starting a new romance. One young man even remarked: “The fear of a serious relationship is one of the myths of the big city.” And another guy said, "That's what we tell girls we don't really like."

• Men talk about their feelings, even if you refuse to listen or don't believe their confessions. “I’m not ready for a serious relationship” means “I’m not ready for a serious relationship with you” or “I’m not sure that you are the woman I need.” (I am sorry.)
• “Better than nothing” should not suit you.
• If you don't understand what's going on in your relationship, then there's nothing wrong with slowing down and asking him a few questions.
• Smells of uncertainty? Don't expect anything good.
• There is one guy in the world who will want to tell everyone that he is your boyfriend. Stop fooling around and go find him.

4. HE DON'T LIKE YOU THAT MUCH IF HE DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU

If a man likes a woman, he always wants to touch her.

Dear ladies, you have already met and will continue to meet a great many men. I hate to tell you this, but some of these men will simply decide that you are not their type. And none of those men who don't like you will ever tell you about it. And he will say that... he is afraid, worried, exhausted from fatigue, experiencing pain from a broken leg, suffering from a cold, afraid (again). But the truth, simple, cruel and bitter, is clear as daylight: he is not attracted to you, and he does not want to hurt you.

An excuse like "He's afraid he'll get hurt again."

Is he afraid? Yes, he is afraid of offending you. That's why he didn't clarify the situation with your relationship. He may even be trying to make himself feel something for you by talking about how much he loves you and how he doesn't want to lose you, but might as well sign your name in your diary. He loves you as a friend. If he loved you as a woman, he would not be able to control himself and would have a whirlwind affair with you, despite all his fears and unpleasant memories.

The "I drive him so crazy that he doesn't show any interest" excuse.

Of course, many people have suffered in the past and now fear serious relationships. But you know what? If a man really likes you, nothing will stop him from pursuing you, not even the fear of a serious relationship. If he really big problems on this matter, he may go for pointless treatment, but he will never keep you in the dark.

The "But it's so cool" excuse.

It used to be that a woman refused to have sex when she wanted to gain power over a man. It seems that representatives of the stronger sex have also learned to use this. If a guy is lying on the couch with you, happily eating cookies and watching a movie (and is not gay), then he simply is not attracted to you.

An excuse like “He finds a bunch of explanations for everything.”

You can believe his excuses if you want, but ask yourself a few questions first. Are you satisfied with this kind of relationship? The most important thing here is do you want to feel this way, possibly for the rest of your life? Sex is also one of the greatest pleasures a person can experience. Therefore, it is at least strange when the person you are dating prevents you from having this pleasure.

• People talk about who they really are all the time. If a man tells you that monogamy is not for him, then there is no reason not to believe him.
• Communication is wonderful. But if communication is combined with sex, that’s even better. Call a spade a spade, or rather, call a friend a friend. And find yourself a friend who can't resist touching you.
• If you have low self-esteem, then you will have to spend more time improving it than looking for a new boyfriend. So prioritize according to your needs.
• If you are tempted by the thought of a thousand and one nights spent in the arms (and only) of some man, then get yourself a puppy.
• Hot thing, there's a man walking around somewhere who really wants to make love to you.

5. HE DON'T LIKE YOU SO MUCH IF HE'S SLEEPING WITH ANOTHER WOMAN

There is no truly convincing excuse for cheating

Whatever problems plague your relationship, they do not give him the right to make love to another woman. Don't ask what is your fault. There is no need to take the blame on yourself. And if he tells you that it happened by accident, then remember: cheating is not accidental. This is not an accident like “I stumbled and was sucked into a swamp called Treason.” He planned and executed this, fully aware that it could end your relationship. Remember: if he sleeps with another woman without your permission and approval, then he is acting not just like a man who is not that interested in you, but like a man who is not interested in you at all.

The "He has no excuse and he knows it" excuse.

Cheating is bad. And the inability to explain why you cheated on a person is even worse. If one red flag isn't enough for you, how about two? Don't date men who don't know why they did something.

An excuse like “But I got fat.”

I am completely sure that you need to lose 90 kilograms from your worthless boyfriend, and not the twenty kilograms he talks about. He cheated on you and called you fat. How much humiliation can a person endure? If something in your relationship does not suit him, then he should talk about it with you, instead of seeking solace in the vagina of another woman. Plus, think about how he would react if you got pregnant, got older, or got a few wrinkles? Or if you dye your hair a color he doesn't like? Get rid of this loser immediately, or I will come to your house and throw him out.

An excuse like “He needs more sex than I do.”

There is no excuse for him to cheat on you. Dot. There are many ways to solve this fairly common problem, which arises due to differences in sexual appetite. As a rule, people start by having an open conversation about this topic, and everyone agrees to do everything in their power to make their partner happy. At the same time, it is not at all necessary to jump into bed with someone else!

The "But at least he knew her" excuse.

I’ll explain in other words: it doesn’t matter whether he loves you or not. He made it clear to you how he felt about your affair. He acted on his feelings and arranged everything so that he could be alone with another woman, kiss her, take off her clothes and do everything else that usually happens when two adults have sex. Can you continue to love him after this?

One hundred percent of the men surveyed reported that they had never made love to a woman by pure chance. (But many of them wanted to know how such an accident occurs and what needs to be done to take advantage of it.)

• There is no excuse for cheating. Let me repeat: there is no excuse for cheating. Now say it yourself: there is no excuse for cheating.
• The only thing you are responsible for in the event of another person's moral failure is yours. own feelings.
• Treason is betrayal. It doesn’t matter who he cheated on you with and how many times it happened.
• Each time it becomes easier to change. It is only difficult the first time when you experience remorse and guilt because you have not lived up to the trust of another person.
• Cheaters are never happy. (Because they're all bastards.)
• An unfaithful man first of all cheats on himself, since he cannot build a normal relationship with you.

6. HE DON'T LIKE YOU SO MUCH IF HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOU WHEN HE'S DRUNK

If he likes you, he will be eager to see you when his brain is not clouded by alcohol fumes. If your clown puts on a red nose every time it comes to intimacy, then this indicates that there are serious problems in your relationship.

An excuse like “But I like it when he’s drunk.”

If, sitting at a bar, he drunk says something like: “Baby, you’re so beautiful!” and at the same time hugs you a little tighter than he should, then it’s high time you learned something: you can’t believe everything a man says when he’s drunk. And listen to the ex-bad boy: "bad boys" are called bad because they have a lot of troubles, no self-esteem, and absolutely do not believe in sincere love relationship, but very often they dress cool and drive cool cars. Is this really what you need?

An excuse like “At least he doesn’t drink the strongest drinks.”

Don't be fooled. A guy who doesn't collapse and pee his pants from drunkenness shouldn't get away with quietly turning off his brains to others, more the easy way every time you are together. It's still intoxication, it's still a desire to avoid responsibility, and it's still not very good for you.

• His words mean nothing if he said them in drunk. "I love you" or the like, said under the influence of any drink stronger than grape juice, has no force in court or in court. real life.
• Drinking alcohol and drugs is not the way to a person’s deepest feelings. Otherwise, people wouldn't break empty beer bottles over their heads and try to touch the flames of a fire to see if they would feel anything or not.
• If he wants to see you, communicate with you, have sex with you only when he is drunk, this is not love, this is sport.
• Bad guys aren't called bad for nothing.
• You deserve a man who doesn't have to pump himself up to spend time with you.

7. HE DON'T LIKE YOU SO MUCH IF HE DON'T WANT TO MARRY YOU

Love cures commitment sickness.

Each of your former men The person who told you that he doesn't want to get married, or doesn't believe in marriage, or has doubts about marriage, will certainly tie himself in sacred knots someday. Not with you. Because he’s not saying that he doesn’t want to get married at all. He says that he doesn't want to marry you.

An excuse like “Everything is very complicated now.”

If you focus on the state of your finances when choosing a time for your wedding, this favorable period will never come. If your boyfriend uses lack of money as an excuse not to marry you, then it is your relationship that is at risk, not his bank account.

An excuse like, “But that’s just the way he is.”

If you have to sit and think about how to start a conversation about marriage with someone with whom you have been intimate for quite some time, then this alarm signal. Immediately call him for a frank conversation and sort things out. Then, as soon as you are ready, go find someone who will be all about how you feel.

The dilemma of "Is this really an excuse not to get married?"

Marriage is a tradition that we inherited from previous generations, which is why marriage has so many opponents. So be it: if a man is categorically against marriage, and you are both for it, then please make sure that behind his reluctance to marry lies only a dislike for the very institution of marriage, and not any other feelings or lack thereof.

The "I'm just not ready yet" excuse.

I hate to tell you this, but he doesn’t want to rush for just one reason: he’s still not sure that you’re the one.

An excuse like “He’s seen enough other failed marriages.”

For a worthy man, meeting a woman with whom he wants to share his life always becomes a real event. And, probably, if he understands that this is exactly the woman, he will not immediately tell her that the very thought of registering their relationship disgusts him.

One hundred percent of the men surveyed admitted that they would undoubtedly propose marriage to a woman if they were completely sure that she was the love of their life. One representative of the stronger sex said: “What kind of idiot do you have to be not to marry the woman you love?”

• “He doesn’t want to marry” and “He doesn’t want to marry me” are two different things. Make sure that you correctly determine which category your chosen one belongs to.
• If you have opposing views on marriage, there will likely be other issues that will lead to disagreements. It's time to make a problem list.
• If nothing changes in your relationship, then what are you waiting for?
• Somewhere on earth there is a man walking who wants to marry you.

8. HE WILL NOT LIKE YOU SO MUCH IF HE LEAVES YOU

"I don't want to be with you" still means exactly that.

The "He needs me" excuse.

Don't be satisfied that he's bored without you. He should be bored. You are so unique. And yet he was and remains the person who abandoned you. Remember, there is only one reason why he might miss you when he remembers you: he thinks that he doesn't want to spend this day with you.

An excuse like “It’s much easier after this decision.”

If he dates you, asks you out, dumps you and continues to sleep with you, that essentially absolves him of any responsibility for your feelings for him. There is one thing that a young man will never do if he cannot imagine his life without you: he will never leave you. The only way for you to know if you love yourself is to get rid of him, and get rid of him as quickly as possible.

The “But everyone does it” excuse.

Stop holding on to his dick, get dressed and quickly go home to your best friend. And don't look for an excuse to stay with him. And don’t think that all this crazy passion will inevitably lead to you getting together again. Oh yeah, sex after a breakup is not bad at all, because it's great to sleep with someone you know. It's also great to sleep with a person you feel for strong feelings. This combination is what makes sex after a breakup so vibrant. But now you know that because of this, real confusion arises in your head and you begin to feel terrible. Let's face it: you are a woman, and women don't know how to separate love and sex. And don't make the same mistakes again. Got it? He doesn't like you that much. He much prefers a very bad idea that masquerades as a very bad one. good idea, namely, sex after a breakup. Like this.

An excuse like “But then he wants to go back.”

Unfortunately, after you break up, your boyfriend starts looking for something better. And when he fails, he is overcome by loneliness and returns “home.” It's not like he likes you very much. He just really doesn't like being alone.

An excuse like “I refuse to accept the fact that he left me.”

I'm sorry he left you. By trying again and again to win him back, you make your ex-boyfriend think: “What did I even see in this psychotic bitch?” Remember one simple tip, ladies: always be on top. Never go crazy. Well, well, in fact, this is not even one, but two tips. But trust me, you will never regret listening to them. At least this will save you from unpleasant memories of how you cut his clothes into pieces or threw out all the photos of him.

• You won't be able to prevent a breakup by talking. Discussions won't help here. The termination of relations is a final decision and cannot be appealed.
• Having sex after a breakup doesn't mean you're back together.
• Stop communicating with him. Let him miss you.
• You don't need to remind him how great you are.
• He can take care of his cat himself.
• A “gorgeous woman” will never torment his answering machine.
• Somewhere there is a young man waiting for you who will be just happy that you didn’t get back together with your terribly nasty ex-boyfriend.

9. HE WILL NOT LIKE YOU SO MUCH IF HE JUST UP AND DISAPPEARED

Sometimes you have to put an end to it yourself.

Well, everything is very clear here. He made it clear to you that you were so not his type that he didn’t even bother to leave you any news about himself. The only thing you should take away from this love story is the fact that he decided to leave you. And he didn’t have the courage to tell you this, looking him in the eye. Case is closed.

The "Maybe he died" excuse.

There is nothing worse than not receiving a response from your loved one. But the trouble is that the lack of an answer is the answer for you. He may not have written a goodbye letter, but his silence says more clearly: “I don’t like you.” The only reason why you should write to him again is the desire to receive an explicit refusal, now in verbal form. Have you forgotten? You are too busy with your fans and you don't have time for such nonsense.

An excuse like “So what, it turns out I can’t even quarrel with him one last time?”

At first, it may seem that you will feel better if you call him and start a scandal. You may feel like you let him get away with it. But believe me, nothing you want to tell him will be a revelation to him. And you already have something to spend your time on.

The "But I just want an answer" excuse.

Do you deserve to know what really happened? Without a doubt. I can tell you what happened: you dated a terrible person. The easiest way to correct this mistake is to draw certain conclusions for yourself, move on with your life and continue to be more selective in choosing a partner. Do all this quickly without wasting a minute of your precious time.

One hundred percent of male respondents who "disappeared" from a woman's sight said they were fully aware that they had done something terrible and did not phone calls and belated conversations would not make them change their minds.

• He may indeed be in the hospital suffering from amnesia, but more likely, he's just not that into you.
• The lack of an answer is his answer to you.
• Don't give him the opportunity to reject you again.
• Let his mother make scandals for him. And you're too busy for that.
• There is no mystery here: he simply left your life, and he was unworthy of you.

10. HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU SO MUCH IF HE'S MARRIED (this also includes all the other, most incredible reasons why he can't be with you)

If you cannot love each other freely and openly, then it is not true love. No matter how strong and sincere your feelings for another person are, if he cannot respond to them honestly and fully, that is, with mutual love, these feelings mean nothing.

An excuse like “But his wife is such a bitch!”

No matter how unhappy his marriage was and no matter how badly his wife treated him, it was definitely not that bad, otherwise he would have left her long ago. Sincere love relationships do not deserve to be hidden. Find yourself a man who won't hide his feelings.

An excuse like “But he’s such a good person.”

Please don't try to ignore this fact. He is married to another woman. I know you are not like everyone else, and in your case everything is different, but the fact remains: he is married. If in your entire life you are ready to stop at a red light only once, then this is exactly the case. It's just that the stakes are too high for everyone who plays this game.

The "I just have to wait" excuse.

If at a certain stage in the development of the relationship there is talk of “waiting for him,” this is an alarming signal. He is not a stock in which you are going to invest money. He is a man whose heart must be open enough for him to be ready to meet you and fall madly in love with you. If someone really likes you, he will quickly solve all his problems and make a lot of efforts not to lose you.

• He is married.
• If he doesn't belong to you entirely, then he belongs to her.
• There are a lot of cool and gentle single men in the world. Try to meet one of them.
• If a man screams and curses at his ex-wife or mourns his previous girlfriend, go to the movies with someone else.
• He is married.
• There is no need to join the ranks of those same women.
• You are not so easy to forget. Let him find you himself when he is ready for a new relationship.

11. HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU SO MUCH IF HE BEHAVILS LIKE A SELF-LOVING SELFISH, A BRAUGGER, OR JUST A BIG ASSHOLE

If he really loves you, he will try his best to make you happy.

An excuse like “But he really wants to improve.”

Loving people try to treat each other well and even take pleasure in showing tenderness and care to their loved ones. If your partner is very bad at this, then in the end you will reap the same benefits as in the situation called “He doesn’t like you that much.”

An excuse like “But that’s just the way he was raised.”

It's not necessary for him to go crazy over your CD collection. He doesn't have to like all your shoes. But any full-fledged and prudent man simply must make an effort and love your friends and your family, especially if they are all such wonderful people.

An excuse like “But he will change.”

Temper is not a temporary problem. People who yell at others simply do not know how to control themselves and need psychiatric help. People who yell at others think they have a right to do so. Hey, beauty, do you really want to create such a family?

An excuse like “After all, what is important is what happens between us in private.”

Why be with a person who needs to humiliate you in order to feel superior? Especially in front of friends! Why should you care if he treats you better when you're alone? After all, he is just waiting to bring you into the public eye in order to humiliate you. Drop him! Go to college and write a thesis on the topic: “How to find a man whom you are not ashamed to show to your friends.”

The "But he's just trying to help" excuse.

It is not only behavior when a man beats a woman that is called offensive. Behavior that can and should also be considered offensive is when a man yells at a woman, publicly humiliates her, or reminds her that she is too fat, thereby making her feel unattractive. It's very hard to believe what you deserve true love when someone tries their best to convince you that you are not worthy of anything in this life. But, as I see, all the exhortations to break up with him still have no effect on you. So first, just realize: you are too good for such a relationship.

An excuse like “He just hasn’t found himself yet.”

An excuse like "Maybe it's one of his little quirks!"

You'll likely encounter men who don't like hugging, kissing, or having sex. You will spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to deal with this and whether you caused this behavior. Or will you simply come to the conclusion that these people don't like doing what you think is integral part a full life, and go in search of a person who shares your views.

The joke goes something like this: “Hey, Björk called, she wants her dress back.” And the insult is like this: “God, you’re so fed up!” But the most important thing is to understand what you need. You all definitely deserve better treatment!

One hundred percent of men surveyed said they had never tried to humiliate or upset a woman they really liked. And this is the most important thing.

• You shouldn’t complicate an already difficult life by sharing it with a person who gives you a lot of trouble.
• You deserve a man who will behave with you appropriately in any situation. (Don't forget that you should treat him well too.)
• There is no reason to yell at another person unless they are in mortal danger.
• Assholes belong in the circus, not in your apartment.
• You already have one butt, why do you need a second one?
• By getting rid of useless people, you will have a lot of free time that you can spend on what gives you pleasure.
• Believe in yourself. How could it be otherwise?

13. SO WHAT SHOULD YOU DO?

Here you ask: “What if there is no next novel at all?” And we will answer: “Send these terrible thoughts on a long voyage on a ship that will certainly sink, because it is destined to crash on the reefs of the Island of Sorrows. And we do not want you to be on this ship.”

YOUR NEW REQUIREMENTS:

• I will not date a person who does not ask me out on dates.
• I will not date a person who makes me wait for hours for his call.
• I will not date a person who is not sure that he wants to date me.
• I will not date someone who makes me feel sexually unattractive.
• I won't date someone who abuses alcohol or drugs, so this makes me uncomfortable.
• I will not date a person who is afraid to make plans for the future with me.
• Under no circumstances will I waste time on a person who has already rejected me once.
• I won't date married man.
• I will not date a man unless he is truly a kind, sincere and gentle person.

Now it's your turn. Only you know what other demands you want to make of your future chosen one. Write them all down. And don't forget about them.

Friend

What it should mean is, “I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you.”

Busy

What it should mean is, “Today was my inauguration as President of the United States.”
In some cases, this means: "I just don't like you that much."

Bad guy

What it should mean is, "A guy to stay away from."
In some cases, this means: "A guy to stay away from."

I am not ready

What it should mean is, "I can't find my pants."
In some cases, this means: "I just don't like you that much."

Call me

What it should mean is, “I accidentally dropped my cell phone off a cliff into the ocean.”
In some cases, this means: I just don't like you that much.

I don't like your family

It should mean this: I don't want to date your mother.
In some cases, this means: "I just don't like you that much."

I'm afraid of intimacy

What it should mean is, "I'm really, really afraid of intimacy."
In some cases, this means: "I just don't like you that much."

And you will be happy!

The post is based on the book by Greg Behrendt, Liz Tuccillo “He Just Doesn’t Like You. The Whole Truth About Men.”