An old proverb says that joy shared is double joy, and sorrow shared is half sorrow. Psychologist Orthodox center crisis psychology at the Church of the Resurrection of Christ in the former. Semyonovskoye cemetery Svetlana Furaeva tells how to help a grieving person share his grief.
Faced with someone else's grief, many want not just to express condolences, but to do something to help the grieving, and very often come across a refusal to help. Why is this happening?
The fact is that it is not always possible for a person who wants to help to determine “on the go” what exactly the grieving person needs now. Therefore, the chosen strategies of behavior are often ineffective. Instead of realizing that he could be useful - resentment that "I with all my heart ... and he (she) is ungrateful ..."
And how to be in such a situation?
First of all, be sensitive. Help is accepted only when it matches the needs of the person in need. Therefore, it is necessary to assess the state of the grieving, try to understand what he needs now most of all - peace, conversation, practical help with the housework, just sit next to him and be silent or help give vent to tears. To better understand what happens to the mourner, let's look at what the process of mourning looks like in time.
First stage - shock and loss denial. Even if the deceased was ill for a long time, and the doctors' prognosis was disappointing, the message of death is unexpected for most people. In a state of shock, a person seems to be stunned by the news, acts "on the machine", full contact is lost both with himself and with the outside world. People who experienced this state describe it as “it was like in a dream”, “it was like not with me”, “I didn’t feel anything”, “I didn’t believe in what happened, it’s not true.” Such a reaction is caused by the deepest shock from the news, and the psyche turns on a kind of braking mechanism, protecting a person from severe mental pain.
Second phase - anger and resentment. The grieving person “scrolls” the situation in his head again and again, and the more he thinks about his misfortune, the more questions he has. The loss is accepted and realized, but a person cannot come to terms with it. The cause of the incident is being searched for and alternative options actions. Resentment and anger can be directed at oneself, fate, God, doctors, relatives, friends. The decision “who is to blame” in this case is not rational, but rather emotional, which can lead to mutual resentment in the family.
Next stage - guilt and intrusive thoughts. The grieving person begins to think that if he treated the deceased differently, acted, thought, spoke, then death could have been prevented. The situation is repeatedly played out in various options. These are very destructive feelings that certainly need to be overcome.
Fourth stage - suffering and depression. Mental suffering accompanies all previous stages of mourning, but at this stage it reaches its peak, overshadowing all other feelings. Grief, like waves, will either surge or recede a little. And during this period, a person experiences the maximum heartache, this is the "ninth wave" of grief. People experience this period in many different ways. Someone becomes very sensitive and cries a lot, someone, on the contrary, tries not to show emotions and withdraws into himself. There are signs of depression - apathy, depression, a sense of hopelessness, a person feels helpless, the meaning of life without the deceased is lost. At this stage, chronic diseases may worsen, as a person ceases to take care of his needs. There are disturbances in sleep and wakefulness, lack of appetite, or excessive food intake. At this stage, some grieving people begin to abuse alcohol or drugs.
Fortunately, this period is coming to an end, and the next is coming - adoption and reorganization. There is an emotional acceptance of the loss, a person begins to improve his life in the present. At this stage, life (already without the deceased) regains value. Plans for the future are rebuilt, the deceased ceases to appear in them, new goals appear. This does not mean that the deceased is forgotten. On the contrary, memories of him do not leave the grieving, their emotional coloring is simply replaced. The deceased still takes his place in the heart, but memories of him do not lead to suffering, but are accompanied by sadness or sadness. Often a person draws support in the memories of the departed.
How long do these periods last? And is it possible to help the grieving overcome them faster?
Burning time is very individual. The process of mourning is not linear, a person can return to some stage and live it again. But there is no need to rush the grieving. After all, we do not force a newborn to walk, and a first-grader to solve problems quantum physics. In experiencing grief, it is not the duration of the grief that matters, but the progress that the mourner makes. I have specifically taken the time to review the stages of grief to show that all feelings and reactions to the loss lived by the grieving are normal. Accepting these feelings, understanding them and supporting the grieving person at every stage is the very help that will help overcome grief. It is very important to turn to specialists if a person is “stuck” at some stage and there is no positive dynamics.
And what should not be done so as not to run into a refusal of help?
One of the most common mistakes loved ones make is detachment from empathy. This can manifest itself in a variety of reactions - from unwillingness to talk about the deceased to advice to "strengthen and hold on." This is connected, as a rule, not with the spiritual callousness of loved ones, but with the manifestation of psychological protection. After all, other people's emotions are reflected in the state of a person, in addition, loved ones also grieve for the deceased, they are also vulnerable at this moment.
Phrases like “he’s better there”, “well, he’s been exhausted” have a negative effect on those who are grieving, if a person has been seriously ill for a long time, “now it will become easier for you, you don’t need to take care of it.”
Another common mistake is to discount the bitterness of loss by comparing it to the loss of others. “Grandma was 80 years old, she lived to her heart’s content, but my neighbor’s daughter died at 25…” and so on. Grief is individual, and it is impossible to determine the value of a loss by comparison.
With strongly expressed emotions, it is not necessary to talk with the grieving about how others feel about this. This also applies to individual characteristics living grief.
You should not talk to the grieving about the future, because he is grieving here and now. Moreover, you should not draw a bright future when a person is experiencing strong emotions. “You are still young, you will get married”, “have another child, you have everything ahead of you.” Such “consolations” can provoke an outburst of anger and seriously damage relationships.
So what needs to be done to support a person in grief?
First, you need customize yourself. We talked about the need to be sensitive to the grieving. It is very important. Help is always objective, that is, directed at someone. The discrepancy between the needs of the grieving and the understanding of the helper, what is right and what is not, as a rule, complicates the situation. Therefore, you need to be intuitive, feel good about what can be useful. Then there is a psychological adjustment, empathy begins. Naturally, intuitive feeling should not interfere with sober thinking and logic, which are especially important in crisis situations.
Secondly, help should be offered. Perhaps the person at the moment does not want to accept help from anyone, or wants to be supported by another person. Perhaps he is just in shock and is not able to assess the situation now. That's why the offer of assistance must be specific. Instead of “How can I help you?”, You should ask: “Do you need food?”, “Do you want me to babysit?”, “Maybe stay with you at night?”. I also note that in Russia, until the 90s, the principles of educating girls were based on the formation of a style of behavior “stop a galloping horse, go on fire.” the hut will enter". And now these women are not able to accept help, not because they do not need it, but because they simply do not understand and do not know how to do this, and the very word “help” directed at them can be a psychological taboo. If you just say "let's help" - it will cause misunderstanding. But the specific action that the helper is willing to do can circumvent this stereotype of power.
Besides, the offer of help must be real. Offer what you can really do. It often happens that a grieving person gives up everything, just to “bring everything back”, and this is the only thing that cannot be done. You should not go on about the grieving, turning to the occult and spiritualism. This will only bring harm, dragging the soul of a grieving person into a whirlpool, prolonging the period of mourning, amusing with illusory, unrealizable hopes.
Desirable do not leave the grieving one, be with him. If this is not possible, you should try to organize a "remote presence" using modern means connections. It's better if it's a live conversation. When speaking, try to avoid general issues“How are you?”, “How are you?”, Replacing them with the specific “were you able (could) fall asleep today?”, “What did you eat?”, “Did you cry today?” etc. This will help to identify the problems that the grieving person is currently facing and help to cope with them.
It's important to force yourself listen to the grieving. Not only what you want to hear, but everything that a person experiencing grief will say. And the mourners have much to say. Speaking their thoughts and feelings, they live their grief, slowly freeing themselves from suffering. Sometimes you don't have to answer, especially if you don't know what to say. The main thing is to be sincere. Do not create forbidden topics, give the opportunity to say everything that is in your heart.
Sincerity towards a grieving person helps accept him and his grief. Unconditionally, the way a person is now - weak, vulnerable, unhappy, ugly from experiences. Completely. No need to force him to be strong, hold back tears, try to cheer him up. A person should know and feel that he is dear to his loved ones and in such a state that it is permissible for him to grieve and be weak.
Need be patient. Some emotional outbursts of a grieving person can be directed to the people around him, perhaps the manifestation of anger, irritation in relation to the living. Such behavior is a manifestation of powerlessness to change the situation. You need to be understanding about this. And, as we said, grief has no time s x borders. It is impossible to “drive” the grieving, to limit their mourning to a certain period. It is more important to understand whether there is progress or not.
It is important for those who are grieving when they memories of the deceased are supported and encouraged. This takes time and patience, because the memories will be scrolled many times, and all about the same, causing new bouts of tears and grief. But memories are necessary, they help to accept the situation. Repeatedly reproduced memories become less and less painful, a person begins to draw strength from them for living today.
Necessary help grieving adapt to the new social situation. Do not perform for him the functions that the deceased used to perform, namely, to help learn to act independently. Otherwise, when for some reason you cannot help to do something, the grieving person will again feel miserable, abandoned, abandoned, a new round of grief is possible.
It is advisable to try in advance prepare for significant dates for the grieving. Holidays, anniversaries - all this causes new emotions of grief, because now they pass in a different way, already without the deceased. Perhaps only the thought of the upcoming date will plunge the grief-stricken person into despair. It is better if someone will be with the grieving person these days.
And of course you need take care of your own health both physically and emotionally. After all, otherwise a person will not be able to fully help another. In illness or periods of overwork, we become more receptive, irritable, and can accidentally injure an already unfortunate person. If there is an understanding that now there are not enough resources to support another, there is no need to avoid him, it is better to openly, but delicately, explain that now there is no way to keep up the conversation or come. So that the grieving person does not feel abandoned and offended, you need to promise him a meeting or phone call when there will be strength and health. And be sure to keep that promise.
Great support, both helping and grieving, is provided by articles about grief posted on our website Memoriam.Ru . Unfortunately, the emotions experienced by people during periods of acute grief do not allow them to realize the benefits of these materials, but for those who want to help their loved ones, it is quite possible to cope with reading. The site already has answers to all the questions that arise for both the grieving and their loved ones. How to survive the death of a loved one? How to help the grieving? How to help a person's soul? What to do with the feelings of guilt? How to help grieving children? These and many other questions are answered by priests, psychologists, psychiatrists, lawyers and people who have managed to overcome grief. It is necessary to study these materials, to tell grieving and other family members about them. I can say from experience that it is very effective remedy that allows you to "move" along the path of sorrow.
A very powerful resource in overcoming grief is spiritual help loved ones. By these words, let's understand not the fulfillment of all of the above, but care for the souls of the deceased and those who remain. If there is a believer in the family, he can explain that the observance of confessional rituals is not just a tribute to traditions, but a specific concern for the deceased.
Faith is a great force in the way of overcoming grief. A believer overcomes grief more easily, because his "picture of the world" does not end with death. In all religions, prayers for the dead and works of mercy are considered a blessing both for the one who has gone and for the one who is doing it here. If the family is not religious, it is necessary to turn to the ministers of the religious denomination that is traditional for this nationality. He needs to ask all the questions that have accumulated among the grieving, and also find out what can help the soul of the departed person. Starting with the performance of rituals, the mourner can gradually come to understand the mystery of life and death, and this, in experience, helps to cope with the crisis of grief. Such care for the departed, and even if help is added to it for those who are now weaker (even if it is just alms to the beggar), strengthens the grieving person, gives him the strength to live on, changes the quality of his life.
And in parting, I want to say the following. You can endlessly give advice about what is right and what is wrong. But only open heart and a sincere desire to be helpful. I wish everyone who is now trying to help their loved ones strength and patience. It will take a lot of them, but the result is worth the effort.
In life, we often face various obstacles. It can be job loss, illness, death of a family member, financial troubles. At such a moment, it is difficult for a person to find the strength in himself and move on. He so lacks support at this moment, a friendly shoulder, warm words. How to choose the right words of support that can really help a person in difficult times?
There are a number of familiar phrases that are the first to come to mind when you need to support someone. These words should not be spoken:
At the moment when the world collapsed, it sounds like a mockery. A person is faced with the fact that he does not know how to solve his problem. He needs to figure out how to fix things. He is not sure that the situation will turn in his favor, and he will be able to stay afloat. So, how will the empty statement that everything will work out help? All the more blasphemous are such words if your friend has lost loved one.
Tears are the body's natural way of coping with stress. It is necessary to give a person a cry, to speak out, to give vent to emotions. He will feel better. Just hug and be there.
A person who has lost his job and has nothing to feed his family does not care that somewhere in Africa children are starving. Someone who has just learned about a serious diagnosis is not very interested in the statistics of deaths from cancer. It is also not necessary to give examples that relate to mutual acquaintances.
Trying to support a loved one, remember that at the moment he is morally depressed by his problem. It is necessary to carefully select expressions so as not to accidentally offend or touch on a sore subject. Let's find out how to support a person.
When our loved ones find themselves in difficult situations, we are lost and often do not know how to behave. But, the words spoken at the right time can inspire, console, restore faith in oneself. The following phrases will help to feel your support:
In difficult times, it is important to know that you are not alone. Let a loved one feel that you care about his grief and that you are ready to share all the difficulties with him.
When you're in trouble, it's important to be heard. It's good to have someone around who understands you. If you have been in a similar situation, please tell us about it. Share your thoughts, emotions at that moment. But no need to tell how you heroically coped with the situation. Just make it clear that you were in your friend's place. But you survived it, and he can handle it too.
Indeed, this is a fact. We will not remember many of the troubles in life that happened to us a year or two ago. All troubles remain in the past. Sooner or later, we find a replacement for a betrayed friend or unhappy love. Financial difficulties also gradually resolved. Can be found new job, pay off a loan, cure an illness or relieve its symptoms. Even the sadness of the death of a loved one passes with time. It is important to get over the moment of shock and move on.
Surely your friend has already encountered life's obstacles and found a way out of them. Remind him that he is a strong, courageous person and is able to solve any problem. Cheer him up. Show him that he can survive this difficult moment with dignity.
Feeling guilty about what happened is the first thing that prevents you from taking a sober look at the situation. Let your loved one know that this is how the circumstances developed and that anyone else could be in his place. It makes no sense to look for those responsible for the trouble, you need to try to solve the problem.
Perhaps your friend needs help, but he does not know who to turn to. Or he doesn't feel comfortable talking about it. Take the initiative.
When a person is morally depressed by difficult circumstances, such words inspire. They are able to restore a person's faith in their own strength.
These are the most important words that each of us wants to hear at a turning point. Everyone needs someone close and understanding next to them. Don't leave your loved one alone!
Help your friend come up with a sense of humor about the situation. Every drama has a bit of comedy. Lighten up the situation. Laugh together at the girl who left him, or at the pompous director who fired him from his job. This will allow you to look at the situation in a more optimistic way. After all, everything can be solved and corrected while we are alive.
The main thing we say is not with words, but with our actions. A sincere hug, a handkerchief or napkin served on time, a glass of water can say more than you think.
Take on some of the household chores. Provide all possible assistance. After all, at the moment of shock, a person is not even able to cook dinner, go to the grocery store, pick up children from kindergarten. If your friend has lost a family member, help arrange the funeral. Make the necessary arrangements and just be there.
Smoothly switch the person's attention to something mundane, not related to his grief. Keep him busy with something. Invite to the cinema, order pizza. Find an excuse to go outside and take a walk.
Sometimes silence is better than any, even the most sincere words. Listen to your friend, let him speak, express his emotions. Let him talk about his pain, about how he is confused, depressed. Don't interrupt him. Let him speak his problem out loud as many times as necessary. This will help to look at the situation from the outside, to see solutions. And you just be close to a loved one in a difficult moment for him.
Olga, St. Petersburg
Sympathy, indifference, empathy - these are invaluable skills inherent in the world of people.
The ability to support a person in a difficult moment makes us closer and better: it is important for both - both for the one who suffers and for the one who extends a helping hand to him. But not everyone knows how, with what words and actions to support another.
Think about it: sometimes two words spoken at the right time can save a life. Behind the beautiful and strong facade of a self-sufficient person, deep depression can be hidden, leading to terrible decisions.
Many people around you stand on the edge of the abyss and need compassion, but they are silent about it. To see someone else's misfortune, to pat on the back, to convince a colleague or friend that everything will work out is a great skill.
But it is not enough just to notice the problem, it is important to say the right words. What can they be?
1. "How can I help you?" This phrase is suitable for active, but not particularly sentimental altruists. Demonstrate your readiness to get involved in the battle for a comrade, dig headlong into his problem and together, shoulder to shoulder, resolve the issue. 
Perhaps your help will not be needed, but the desire will be appreciated and will instill optimism in a person.
Support in practice is a very important thing. You can bring groceries to a heartbroken friend's house, help her with cleaning, pick up her son from kindergarten while she cleans up.
Surrounding your loved one with care, you will show that he is not alone and is loved.
In difficult situations (during the funeral of loved ones, long-term treatment of relatives, knocking out free medicines), The best way support a person - take on some of the organizational issues.
You can call relatives, consult lawyers, make copies of documents, order tickets, and the like.
2. "What could cheer you up?". Take an interest in what things bring pleasure to a person, suggest pleasant thoughts, distract from problems.
A bucket of ripe strawberries, a trip to the petting zoo, eating a huge pizza, a trip to an amusement park, buying a new dress... People draw positive energy from the most unexpected objects.
3. "Do you want me to stay by your side?", “Maybe I should stay here today?”. It is harmful for a person in trouble to be alone with negative thoughts and depression. It is not necessary to sit and grind the problem in words - it is enough just to be in the next room, nearby.
4. "Everything goes and it is also". King Solomon was wise and rightly valued this slogan. Everything ends, both good and bad. Times change and bring change with them. Convince the person that you need to endure quite a bit - the finale will come anyway.
5. "What worries you the most?". Learning about the true causes of sadness is useful - it gives the grieving a chance to speak out and at the same time delve into himself, setting priorities and placing emphasis.
It may turn out that the official reason for depression is just a cover for deeper complexes and suffering.
For example, your girlfriend is worried that she was fired. It looks like she is crying because of the financial hole she has fallen into, but in fact it speaks of low self-esteem, fear of the new, feeling like a mediocre and stupid employee who no one needs.
Understanding the causes of depression is the key to choosing the right words for support.
6. Instead of a thousand words - silence. Be silent, hug tightly and carefully listen to the confession of the suffering. The ability to listen is no less valuable gift than communication skills.
Sometimes silence is golden. Especially in those moments when forbidden words and emotions are ready to fly off the lips.
What not to say, does your friend have grief?
one. " I feel so sorry for you!» Pity does not mean sympathy.
In general, self-pity is the last thing a sick, abandoned or fired person wants to feel. It is much better to radiate a positive attitude.
2. " Yes, everything will be fine tomorrow!" If you are not aware of the situation, do not express false-optimistic expectations. 
It is difficult for a terminally ill person to hear your conviction that he will "definitely get better." In this case, it is worth looking for other words of support.
3. " I was fired twenty times, but I didn’t kill myself like that". Your experience is certainly invaluable, but a depressed person seems to be in a unique situation. In addition, there are no guarantees that you really got identical problems, and everyone has a special perception of reality.
four. " I feel bad too, my leg hurts, my neck is puffed up". You should not complain in response - after all, you came to support, and not pull the blanket over yourself.
A person in trouble has one consolation - to be in the center of attention, to be surrounded by care. Yes, and it looks ridiculous when you come to a person who has recently lost a loved one and complain about a cough.
With the support of a friend, lover or relative, it is important to be there even in the most difficult emotional periods.
People in grief are aggressive, blinded by rage, offended by the whole world, grouchy and critical.
Being in the same room with them difficult task but this is how the true closeness of souls is manifested and confirmed.
Bad things happen in everyone's life. Someone outwardly calmly survives death, but for someone, a reprimand at work or a failed exam at the institute becomes a real disaster. In moments of crisis, the participation of others is able to reassure and help to believe in oneself again. What words of support can be spoken in difficult times? Is everyone around you worth empathizing with?
To remain indifferent to the problems of a loved one, close friend or relative is at least uncivilized. Even if what happened seems like a mere trifle to you, you need to give the “victim” the opportunity to speak out. Try to give some useful advice to solve an existing problem or simply express your sympathy. Do you need your words of support in difficult times for a casual acquaintance or an ordinary friend? That's a moot point. Many people feel embarrassed when they learn about the death of the husband of "Masha from the neighboring department at work" and do not know how to respond correctly. To pester with your formal condolences to a person who works in one office building with you, not always decently. But if we are talking about a classmate at the institute with whom you regularly meet for coffee and chatting about trifles, it’s already impolite to ignore what happened. The most appropriate thing in this situation would be to briefly express your condolences or regrets and offer help.
Sometimes it seems to us that we know and understand our friends better than ourselves. But something happens, and it is not at all clear what kind of support a friend should have in difficult times. If a person is in the mood to talk, be sure to give him this opportunity. Try to retire somewhere where no one can overhear you. Don't bother with additional questions, but just listen and show interest with all your appearance. But not all people are used to sharing their problems. If your friend is from this category, and does not start a conversation first, it is better to let him calm down and not bother with questions. Obsessive advice should not be given, but it is permissible to tell how you would act in such a situation.
Some problems can be solved. With others, it remains only to reconcile. In the first case, the task of a loved one is to help his friend calm down quickly and take action. In the second type of situation, the only way you can help is to try to distract your comrade. The most important thing is to choose the right strategy. If your friend has a loved one in an accident, he is unlikely to want to go to the club to have fun. But visiting the hospital together, walking together for a leisurely conversation is a completely different matter. Of course, the support of a friend in difficult times implies real help. If possible, offer to live together for some time, take on some of the household chores and offer the injured party a good night's sleep and rest.
Supporting a loved one is extremely difficult. It is important to remember that your view of the problem may be radically different from the perception of the situation by your partner. Much easier for men understand their women, than vice versa. The fair sex is emotional, many ladies like to not only describe in detail what happened, but also talk about their feelings. The man only needs to listen. A common mistake that many husbands make: only after learning about the problem, they begin to look for solutions. It's not exactly the right tactic. A woman must first pity and reassure. And only after that you can make some attempts to solve the problem. It is quite possible that real actions will not be required, but it is enough to find words of support in difficult times and remind them of their love and willingness to help.
If in a couple troubles occurred with a representative of the stronger sex, a woman should gain wisdom. For some men, problems are only new lessons, while for others, any failure is the end of the world. The main rule is the same as when communicating with any other person. You can not try to find out more than your interlocutor is trying to tell you. Support for a loved one in difficult times can also be based on a complete disregard for the problem. It’s worth behaving as if nothing had happened, trying to please your spouse with some little things. Some men need encouragement. It would be appropriate to say that, thanks to the strong qualities of character, they will be able to change and improve everything. The most important thing is to avoid criticism. Even if the current situation occurred due to the mistake and shortcoming of your spouse, you should not remind him of this. Suffice it to say that everything will definitely be as it was or even better.
Health problems are the most serious. No wonder they say that you can buy everything except longevity and your well-being. What words of support for a sick person will really help? If the disease is not serious, try to cheer up your interlocutor and jokingly call for a speedy recovery. It would be useful to recall what awaits the patient after discharge from the hospital. Promise to go together to some interesting place or take a long-awaited walk. It will also encourage the patient that his presence is not enough for everyone.
If the disease is serious enough, it is necessary to please the patient with every little thing and try to support him. good mood. Daily let's set the fact that a cure is possible. Tell about people who have successfully overcome this disease, and try to introduce your relative or friend to one of them, even if only virtually, using the Internet.
It is not always easy to find words of support for a loved one. How to behave if your parents have problems? Between relatives so close, there should be no secrets. But for parents, we remain children at any age, and for this reason it is difficult for them to talk about their troubles and admit their own weaknesses. Words must be chosen very carefully. Whatever you say, it should not call into question the authority of the parents. The best tactic will be the usual care and participation. Show your attention, and, most likely, mom or dad will not only tell everything, but maybe even ask for help or advice. If a person is depressed and does not seek to find a way out of this situation, you should help him tune in a more positive way. Try something to distract your parents or just talk, remembering the past. The most important thing is not to panic and not rush to act. As soon as calm comes, you can think about the current situation and find the best option solutions to this problem.
I think there are several reasons why your support methods don't work. I will tell you about them. I stepped on all these rakes myself. As a result, it turns out that there is a very simple principles worth following. We will talk about strong feelings and about everyday support. As a result, you will learn to support even people you barely know with just a few phrases.
It's just that if you manage to help for real, the person will remember you as a true friend. I can give two very striking examples for me. Although from the outside they may seem very simple.
I have a friend who can be called at three in the morning. With any garbage (sorry, you can’t say otherwise). Nightmare, the bad news, broken heart, nervous about something. You can just pick up and call. And it's mutual. No, we first write SMS:“Can I call now?”and then having received an unambiguous “yes, of course”, we call each other. It seems to me that the need for this appears about once every two years, hardly more often. But it's priceless. The one who listens usually doesn't do anything magical. He is simply ready to listen and remind with the right words that not everything is bad. Then you can safely go to sleep: what was drunk, you no longer want to roar.
And there is another friend. I once called her when my back hurt very badly and I had to get to the clinic. I had a young man, but I was not ready to ask him to come home from work for this. He gave the go-ahead for me to take a taxi, said to call if anything. And in theory, this was a completely feasible task for me. Except for a couple of very awkward nuances for me. I couldn't tie my shoelaces. (And for me, for some reason, this is even more important than being able to go to the toilet on my own). And I was scared that something unpleasant would happen during the trip, although there were no prerequisites for this. It's just scary is all. At that time, both of these reasons seemed to me ashamed.
More than embarrassing to bother someone for such bullshit. So it seemed to me. But I called this friend of mine. I knew exactly what I would call her. Why her, I don't know. She didn't have to explain about the laces, or the pain, or anything. She just said she would come. And then everything was fine. I was not alone. She, of course, hardly remembers this incident. But to me, she remains the one person you can call to tie your shoelaces, just because you need it. It is clear that for her sake I am ready to come anywhere.
Do you agree that being able to support in time and be there in time is something very important? If yes, like, and try to figure out what the magic is.
So why don't the usual ones work:
“Yeah, don’t worry. Let's go have a drink. Let's watch a movie. Well, what are you up to? Yes, everything will be fine! Well, if I were you, I would do this, this, and this!”
1) It is important to join the person, and not try to knock him out of his sad state.At the very least, it is important to always start with joining, real FEELING. It is important to plunge into the same story for a while. Because there is something very important in it for your loved one. Otherwise... if it didn't affect anything important... He wouldn't have suffered so much himself. And if you immediately say “oh well, forget it,” a person may unconsciously read in this: “your values and your experiences are bullshit!” But it's difficult. it about , about proximity. If you do it sincerely, it will really become a little uncomfortable.
2) Why advice does not help, and sometimes cause the opposite effect? What words to support a person correctly? I remember this once and for all from the second course after one of the psychological groups. Analyzed the request of one of the participants. In the end, everyone in a circle gives him feedback and support. Naturally, there is a lot of advice. Well, in the end, the “hero of the day” himself shares his final impressions. So here is a common story: “It seems to me that I am quite a fool. You offer such practical things, tell how you successfully got out of such stories. I'm starting to feel like I'm the only loser." It's paradoxical - but it's a common effect. One SINCERELY tries to support by telling his, and the one who listens becomes only sadder for himself. How to choose words of support?
3) Distract - good way when both are already tired of crying.Smiley. It is impossible to talk too long on important difficult topics. Joking, ironic and being distracted by something is also very important. good psychologists by the way, a lot of jokes are made at consultations. And it's on point. And it's very funny. But you need to correctly feel the moment when it is really in the subject, when you need to turn down the heat a little.And for this it is important to be a lively, interesting, enthusiastic person.Otherwise, the other cannot be pulled out of the quagmire. And then, looking at you and at your same sad and sympathetic look, he simply will not believe you that “everything will be fine.”
4) Even if he is sad, he is not a fool.For some reason, there is such a myth that if a person is sad or bad, then he cannot cope. So he needs to give advice a whole bunch. But no, this is not always the case. Almost all of us, even in very difficult life periods, have in our heads rough plan actions or options for what to do. It’s just that we doubt, worry, are temporarily confused or very tired. Believe me. I have worked with hundreds of people. Everyone always has at least some plan of action. Especially if a person is supported, listened to, reassured a little - the answer to the question “and what do you think to do with it?” no, no, yes there is.The main thing is to have time to ask this question BEFOREhis lecture on how to live.
5) Follow the prompts.A person in need of help almost always makes it clear in one way or another that he can help him now. Non-verbal. Maybe he is cold, maybe he wants to philosophize and he needs a listener, maybe he wants to go for a walk or just be alone for a while. Or be with you, but be silent at the same time. Don't be afraid to just BE NEAR the person who is hurting. Just to be near the person who cries. There is no urgent need to change anything. You are not an emergency room doctor. You have no super-responsibility. Just sit side by side in the same puddle. Helping people are sometimes carried away by THEMSELVES, what advice they know, what books they read, what my mother said that they write on the Internet ... the anxiety from the need to save the one who dropped a tear at all costs is so overwhelming that it forces JUST TO PAY ATTENTION for the one who is sad is not enough.
6) Ask: “How can I help you?”. Yes, everything ingenious is simple. But the trick is that by asking this question, you do not need to offer options. It is necessary to do a very difficult thing: to be silent. Just shut up and listen to what the person has to say. If he says: “I don’t know,” you can ask: “And you think about it! ..” If he says again: “I don’t know,” say, “please, when you figure it out, let me know, okay?” - and stay calmly, silently nearby for a minute.
7) How to support a loved one in ordinary daily activities?First, all of the above tips work. Just a lower degree of drink. About thatI already wrote. And besides all this, it helps to know in detail how he is doing. What happens to a person, what are his plans, difficulties, doubts, desires, dreams? What does he think is stopping him? What does he see that could help him? What does he think he is doing? It helps a lot. Although by and large it is quite simple.
Here is a story about love. All this takes courage. What other courage, what is frightening in this? It requires a willingness to be truly close to someone.
Write your stories of real support and your advice on this topic in the comments below.
Your family psychologist, Elena Zaitova.
