This article will tell you how to pull yourself together and survive the death of a loved one.
At the very beginning, I would like to say that in our modern society a healthy and adequate attitude towards the death of a person has not been developed. Perhaps they talk about her if she died old man. There is a death that happens to people of middle age, they talk about it less often and more quietly. And, of course, when grief caught small child, are often silent about it. What is it connected with?
First, every person has a fear regarding his own death. The phenomenon is uncontrollable, causing a lot of feelings, anxiety and worries. Therefore, sometimes it is easier for a person to close from the topic of death than to think or talk about it. Magical thinking can work here: if I do not come into contact with this, this will not happen to me or to my loved ones.
Secondly, in our culture there is no specific mechanism for how to behave if someone close to us has died. There are funerals, commemorations, memorial days. On them people cry, eat and drink. And often we are faced with the problem when we do not know what to say or how to behave in the event of a tragedy with our acquaintances. Usually the phrase is: "Please accept our condolences."
Thirdly, it is not always clear to those in whose family grief happened how to behave with people. Whether to talk about your trouble, to whom to report? People can choose two lines of behavior. One of them is to close, withdraw into yourself, experience grief alone. The second is to ignore feelings and transfer everything to the level of intellect: here there may be explanations that the deceased is now in the other world, that he is well, that everything happened for a reason.
Sometimes it happens that a person can handle grief and"stuck" in German This is called "complicated loss symptom" and they come in several forms:
In fact, psychologists have long described the healthy stages of experiencing loss or acute grief. For each person, their duration and intensity is individual. Someone can get stuck in one of the stages or go in circles. But in any case, knowing the stages of grief, you can help yourself to really mourn for a person whom you will never see again. There are two classifications in describing what happens to a person who has experienced a loss. I suggest considering both.
1. Denial. It is difficult for a person to believe what happened. He seems to be in denial about what happened. Usually the stage is accompanied by such phrases: “This cannot be”, “I do not believe”, “He is still breathing”. A person can try to feel the pulse himself, it seems to him that doctors can be mistaken. And even if he has already seen the deceased, there may be a feeling inside as if death did not happen.
What to do: there used to be a good tradition when a deceased person was at home for 3 days - this helped to realize what had happened. Now those who say goodbye approach the coffin, kiss the deceased on the forehead - this is a very important action. So a person feels that a really close one has died. You can put your hand on your forehead, on your body, feel and feel the cold. If you did not see the body of the deceased, did not see the funeral, then the stage of denial may be delayed. You will understand that a person has died, but at the level of feelings there is a feeling that he is alive. Therefore, it is more difficult to accept death when a loved one is missing or there was no funeral.
2. Anger. The person becomes aggressive. And here it all depends on the causes of death. He can blame doctors, God, fate, circumstances. And also yourself, that, for example, did something wrong. Can accuse the deceased himself that he was not careful or did not follow his health. Anger may be directed at other relatives. There are such phrases here: “I can’t accept this!”, “It’s unfair!”
What to do: It is important to understand that anger is normal reaction. The basic emotion that is associated with loss. It's important to respond. Get angry, discuss your anger, write it down on paper. Share feelings and actions. Yes, you have the right to be angry, now it hurts a lot, the process of experiencing the loss goes through its natural stages. All people go through them.
3. Bidding. At this stage, it seems to a person that he could change something in the current situation. It looks something like this: "If I devoted more time to my mother, she could live longer." In the case of the loss of a loved one, a person goes into his fantasies and tries to seem to agree with God or fate.
What to do: let your mind play through these scenarios for a bit. It is still very difficult for our psyche to accept changes, it is difficult to realize that a dear person will never be there again. The main thing is to stop in time, not to go into a sect. Remember the soldier resurrection scams?
4. Depression. Usually here a person feels unhappy, says: "Everything is meaningless." Depression can be expressed in different form. It is very important to take care of yourself and seek help in a timely manner. People complain about Bad mood, depressed state, lack of energy. Because change is inevitable. We will have to build our lives in a new way. The man realized what had happened, got angry, tried to bargain. Now he understands that really nothing can be changed.
What to do: neither in in which case you can not be left alone, be sure to invite to friends, relatives, ask them to take care, let them stay in yourself, cry enough, worry. This is fine. The time is really important now.
5. Acceptance. When a person has really gone through all the previous stages, there is now a chance that he will accept death. Come to terms with what happened, agree and begin to build your life in a new way. Of course, he will remember a loved one, cry, be sad, miss, but with less intensity.
What to do: be grateful to yourself for having found the strength to honestly endure grief. Death is an inevitability that we face sooner or later. Yes, we will miss a loved one, but now we look at the situation with adult eyes. It is important to note that the first 4 stages do not guarantee a transition to the acceptance and integration of experience. A person can walk in circles or return to one or another stage. Only the stage of acceptance indicates that grief has been experienced.
Surely you know that usually a person is buried on the third day after death. Then they gather on the 9th, 40th day, half a year and a year. Such dates were not chosen by chance, it is precisely such time frames that make it possible to gradually come to an acceptance of the situation.
9 days. Usually a person is not can understand to the end of what happened. Tactics here, most often, two. Either leaving for themselves, or excessive activity in funeral preparations. The most important thing in this period is really to say goodbye to deceased. Cry, cry, talk to other people.
40 days. At this stage, a grieving person still cannot accept what happened, cries, he dreams of the deceased.
Six months. Gradually there is a process of acceptance. Grief seems to “roll over”, and this is normal.
Year. There is a gradual acceptance of the situation.
It is very important not to lie to the child. The child has the right to know about the death of a loved one. Psychologists here disagree on whether to take the child with you to the funeral. Some children may have a negative perception of the process of digging into the ground. Therefore, it is important that there is an emotionally stable person next to the children. If a child's mother or father dies, there must be a farewell procedure.
It is important not to tell the child about the mother who looks from the clouds. This can add anxiety to what is happening. Help your child cry out the pain, get over the situation. Each case is unique, so it is best to contact a child psychologist who will help in experiencing the trauma.
This text was written almost a year ago for those who have never been to a funeral and for those who themselves or their friends have never lost loved ones. The pain is gone and it's time to publish it.
In the 40 years of my previous life, I was only 2 times at a funeral. Once (20 years ago) I was at the funeral of a colleague, the second (10 years ago) at the funeral of an acquaintance. Both times I had nothing to do with organizing the funeral.
Recently, a tragedy happened in my family. A person close to me died and the organization of the funeral fell on me. I went all the way. I saw confusion in the eyes of my friends, who also had never been in a similar situation. They simply did not know how to behave - to call or not to disturb, to come to the funeral or not, to say something or be silent. They really wanted to help me, but did not know how to do it and what to say in such cases. In the end, they did not do what I expected from them.
In this post, I described my personal experience. I am sure that it is not universal and is not suitable for all cases. This is just my experience...
First, I will write about what to do if your close person.
1. Call an ambulance so that they witness the death.
2. Call the police to make sure that the death was not violent.
3. Call the funeral services car to pick up the body. We tried to delay the arrival of this car until the morning, but we were not allowed to leave the body in the apartment - it's warm there.
The next day:
1. Come to the ambulance and get a death certificate.
2. Come to the clinic and get another death certificate (the names of the documents can be confused).
3. Get a signature and seal from the head physician of the clinic on this certificate.
4. Go to the registry office and get a death certificate.
5. Go to the funeral home and arrange everything.
6. Choose a cemetery and choose a place on it. Most best places usually already finished with marble and prepared. They will be close to the entrance and much more expensive, but you will be told that this is solely because of the marble. Places are further away, but on the first line of the alley there will already be a foundation - this is four times cheaper than the previous ones, but still not cheap. If you are not ready for this, then you will be offered a place in order, which will be far from the path and you will have to make your way to it through other graves. The places there will be the cheapest - just a piece of land (at the Dubna cemetery this costs 11,000 rubles).
7. Next, you return to the funeral home and choose a coffin, pillows and blankets, wreaths and flower baskets, a hearse, a cross and a tablet (the monument can be erected no earlier than a year after the earth settles), you will carry the coffin yourself, or hire people for this and a lot of other things.
8. Go to the morgue and take things there in which your loved one will be buried. Take a bar of soap, towels and cosmetics to be prepared.
9. Arrange with transport to transport all those who came on the day of the funeral, first to the place of farewell (morgue or church), then to the cemetery and then to the place of commemoration.
10. Choose and agree with the restaurant where the wake will take place. Select menu.
11. Call relatives and friends and tell them when and where the funeral will take place.
On the day of the funeral, you need to make sure that everything goes as you planned.
There is a term pleasant chores". It usually refers to a wedding or birthday. You need to organize everything, invite friends, order a cake, etc. A funeral is definitely "unpleasant chores" and there are a lot of them. You just lost a loved one, and instead of in order to just cry, you are forced to draw up various certificates and organize funerals.At the same time, the officials you encounter in these institutions may have good mood, they may try to joke with you and they may not understand your condition at all. It's hard for you...
Now about how to behave if a loved one of your friend has died. For him the most difficult first 2 days. The third day is given easier, and on the fourth funeral.
If a friend called you and said that someone had died, then you don’t have to squeeze out a useless “condolence” and continue to breathe hard into the phone. It is your friend. He is very ill now. He is in trouble and you can help him.
Do not ask "How can I help?" Better find out what else needs to be done and think about what you can take from it.
Feel free to call a friend. If he can't answer you, then he won't. And, perhaps, at this moment he is completely alone and he really needs to talk to someone, but he has already called everyone for the first time. He himself will not call and say: "I need to talk to someone." Call yourself. Find out what has already been done or what remains to be done or who will come to the funeral or how his other loved ones are feeling ... Just don't leave your friend alone.
If you were personally acquainted with the deceased, then remember the cases of your acquaintance and communication. Remember any little things and tell your friend about them. It will be easier for him when he knows that his loved one is remembered.
Be sure to come to the funeral, even if you personally did not know the deceased. You come there not for the sake of the deceased, but for the sake of your friend who will live on.
Support your friend and try to be as close to him as possible these days...
Natalya Kaptsova
Reading time: 8 minutes
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The death of a person is always an unexpected event, especially when this happens to people close and dear to us. Such a loss is a profound shock to any of us. At the moment of loss, a person begins to feel a loss of emotional connection, a deep sense of guilt and an unfulfilled duty to the deceased. All these feelings are very oppressive, and can cause severe depression. Therefore, today we will tell you how to survive the death of a loved one.
Psychologists distinguish 7 stages of grief that all people who mourn for a deceased loved one experience. At the same time, these stages do not alternate in any particular sequence - Each person goes through this process individually.
. And since understanding what is happening to you helps to cope with grief, we want to tell you about these stages.
7 stages of grief:
Helpful Hints
There is no need to do anything immediately after the death of a loved one. Take as much time for yourself as you need. Someone wants to sit next to the deceased, while someone immediately leaves. You may want someone to make sure the body is lying flat until the joints become stiff and cannot be moved. Rigor mortis begins already in the first hours after death.
How long you can stay with the body depends on where the death took place. If a loved one dies at home, there is no need to move the body immediately. This time is used by a person for religious, cultural or ethnic customs that accompany death.
If the death occurs somewhere outside the home, in a hospital or nursing home, then if possible, discuss everything in advance important points with staff. This will help them plan everything so that you have time with your deceased loved one.
Some people want the whole family to sit with a departed loved one, console each other and, perhaps, share memories.
So what do you do if a loved one dies at home?
1. First of all, you must call an ambulance so that the doctors record the death.
Doctors may suggest that you perform an autopsy. This medical procedure is performed by a pathologist in order to find out the exact cause of death. For example, if it is believed that a person died of Alzheimer's disease, then an autopsy of the brain will allow a definitive diagnosis.
If your religion or culture opposes an autopsy, then ask your doctor to do so. Some people who plan funerals worry that the autopsy site will be visible, but all physical signs are always hidden by clothing.
2. After calling the ambulance, it is necessary to invite the police so that the authorities make sure that there is no violent death.
3. Next, you should contact the funeral services office so that they take the body away. After that, call the ritual agent of the city funeral service, you can also use the services of a private funeral service.
4. From the police you must receive a protocol of examination of the body, and from medical workers a certificate of death.
5. The next day, you must take your passport, body examination report, death certificate, medical card and medical policy of the deceased, as well as his passport and go to the morgue in order to issue a medical certificate of death.
After receiving a medical certificate of death, you need to contact the registry office at the place of residence of the deceased in order to obtain a stamped death certificate, which is the main document of the deceased person. You must also be issued a death certificate.
What to do if a loved one dies in a medical institution?
When a person dies in a hospital, the nurse or attending physician informs the family and also informs them of the location of the morgue in which the body is located. Close people of the deceased after the sad news should take several steps.
1. First of all, you should call a ritual agent of public services or contact a private service.
2. Then you should contact the mortuary registry to issue a medical certificate of death.
3. After you have the medical death certificate in your hands, go to the registry office at the place of residence of the deceased in order to issue a stamp death certificate and a death certificate.
What to do if a loved one dies public place?
When a person dies in a public place, their body will be sent from the scene to the forensic morgue to determine the cause of death and to issue a medical certificate of death.
After the relatives of the deceased learn about what happened, they must take the following steps.
1. Go to the morgue registry in order to issue a medical certificate of death.
2. Then contact a public or private ritual service, call a ritual agent.
3. Once the medical death certificate is in hand, you must contact the registry office at the place of residence to obtain a death certificate and a stamp death certificate.
What to do if a loved one has gone to another world as a result of a violent death?
If the death of a person did not occur due to natural causes, then his body is sent to the forensic morgue. This is done in the event of a car accident, murder, accident, suicide, etc.
The prosecutor's office or the police conducts their own investigation into the death, which results in either a criminal case or a decision to refuse to initiate it.
In order to bury a loved one, you need:
Obtain permission for the possibility of burial in the prosecutor's office or in the police.
Obtain a stamped death certificate from the registry office at the place of residence.
Contact a funeral agent from a city or private funeral home.
What if a person died in the country?
If a person dies in the country, outside the city or in garden plot, then a doctor from a local first-aid post, a polyclinic or a district ambulance should arrive in order for them to ascertain death. You can find out the phone number in the help desk.
Then you should call the district police officer or police officers to draw up a protocol for examining the body. In order to transport the body of a deceased person to the mortuary of your place of residence, you must obtain a medical certificate of death from the local mortuary registry or from a doctor at a polyclinic.
To take the body of a deceased person to the morgue big city, you can call special service, which you will also be prompted in the help services.
What to do when a relative died in a foreign city?
When a person dies away from home, in a foreign city or country, in addition to organizing funeral events in his city, it is necessary to obtain a medical certificate of death in that locality, where the person died, having applied to a medical institution at the place. It is also necessary to transport the human body to the burial place. The transportation of the deceased is called "cargo 200".
A close person of the deceased can come for the body himself by ordering this service from a specialized service. The funeral agency can also transport the body on its own; among other things, they can prepare all the necessary acts and certificates, accompany the body during transportation and conduct a funeral ceremony.
What to do if native person died abroad?
If a person died in a foreign country during a short visit (as a tourist or on business), then the execution necessary procedures lies down at the consulate home country. However, the costs of transporting the body of the deceased are borne by the relative.
In order to transport the body of a person to their homeland, you need a passport of the deceased with a visa in it and a certificate of death, which indicates that the death of a person occurred in a foreign country. This certificate needs to be legalized and translated.
If the deceased person was insured, then the insurance company will cover most of the costs if the person died as a result of an accident or illness. But there will be no compensation if the death occurred as a result of toxic, alcoholic or drug intoxication, as well as if suicide occurred. It is also unlikely to be able to receive any payments if the deceased was a participant in uprisings, strikes or was part of the military forces and formations.
What documents are needed to carry out a burial for Russian citizens?
For both burial and cremation, the following documents are required:
Body examination report that you receive from police officers;
Certificate of death, which is issued by an ambulance team or a polyclinic doctor;
Morgue workers or a polyclinic doctor must issue you a medical (medical) death certificate;
Stamp death certificate from the registry office;
Certificate for receiving a funeral benefit from the state, which is issued by an employee of the registry office;
An agreement with a funeral service for the provision of services (public or private).
Among other things, if the deceased is going to be cremated, then the following is added to the list of documents for registration of cremation:
A receipt confirming that the relatives paid for the burial of the urn, or a statement from a trustee that the urn will be buried elsewhere.
How to get compensation for a funeral in Russia?
People who are socially insured have the right to receive compensation for carrying out funeral services. Money can be received on the day of treatment, for this it is necessary to present a death certificate issued by the registry office.
Compensation can be issued by one of the following organizations:
The company in which the deceased person worked and was insured;
The body where the person was given a pension;
Organization of social protection at the place of residence, if the deceased person was not insured.
Documents required to receive compensation:
Applicant's internal passport
Application in the required form
Certificate confirming death
Employment record or documentary evidence that at the time of death the person was not working
Certificate from the cemetery, which will indicate the number of the grave.
It is worth noting that compensation is also issued at the birth of a dead child if the pregnancy was older than 196 days. Compensation is issued no later than 6 months after the death of a person.
We will share with you some of the advice of a lawyer on what to be wary of in such a sensitive matter as organizing a funeral.
Funeral services fraud is not a new phenomenon. Today, the ritual business occupies a leading position in terms of profitability, and the grieving relatives of the deceased are ready to give any money so that the last path of a loved one is worthy.
