Syrnikov lived in two houses.
Legally married... and in love.
In his fate, these two concepts were divorced in time and space.
And he did not know what he was suffering from more: from the fact that Olya, his beloved, lives a three-hour flight in the sunny south, he also stays with Zina, in the cold capital of our country. Or from the fact that it is possible to escape to the sun only once a month or two. And always - under the guise of business trips: an alibi was provided by a faithful friend of Vovka, who took Syrnikov from home and drove him to the airport. This story has been going on for 20 years - as long as it was the son of Slava, born in a legal marriage. But Syrnikov was drawn to the south more and more, since Olya had a daughter in the Crimea ...
At 45! How much Olya begged her, how much she asked to forgive her sins for her secret life with Syrnikov. They met at the Syrnikovskaya wedding and since then have been tormented by the thought: but everything could have been different ... God, it seemed, turned away and left her one light in the window: once a month to go to the airport, bury herself in a smelly beard, drag her home to the covered a table with South Russian borscht, then not getting out of bed for two days ... For 20 years she wanted a child from this man, for 20 years she waited, if not for him, then at least for his blood, - and last winter God heard Olya. Syrnikov has a daughter - and an additional incentive to fly on "business trips" more often.
His conscience did not seem to torment him: at least, Vovka's faithful friend, an exemplary family man, always wondered with what calm mine he turns his monthly route. And once he even deliberately guessed so as to be present at the return of Syrnikov home: cabbage soup, undelivered tests of the blockhead Slavka and Zina were waiting for him there, silently hugging and pulling off his hat from his head. At the same time, no one seemed to notice her tears and facial expressions. And Syrnikov was impenetrable - as if it weren’t him three hours ago that he sucked in the smell of his daughter’s diaper, trying to remember it for a long time, and then kissed Olya’s hair, and then, stuck at the threshold and risking missing the plane, kissed her all ...
What kept him at home? Son, probably. And in general, he was decent - he once promised Zina to love her and take care of her. And the fact that he could not shove his love for Olya into a suitcase and put away his love for Olya on the mezzanine - so life is one ...
So Syrnikov would have lived in two houses, if not for ... Olya, who delivered an ultimatum: either my daughter and I, or Zina and her son. Syrnikov did not want to make such a choice: in this case, either one or the other. And he dreamed of persuading Olya so that everything would be as before. Zina is patient. So why can't Olya?
"Compromises are expensive"
Anastasia Karachevtseva, consultant psychologist:
In love triangles, all three participants always suffer, but for some reason they all choose their roles in such a game.
Women with low self-esteem are ready to pay any price for the love of a man. Maintain the illusion of a happy family or live only dreams of happiness. And men choose such women. With them, they feel calm, confident. And sometimes they don’t even notice that they make those who love them suffer.
The characters of our story maintained the balance of such a destructive system for 20 years! Long enough for compromise to become a way of life and thinking. They tried at all costs to maintain their illusions. Zina - illusions about a happy and full-fledged family, Olya - dreams that in the end she will find her happiness. Syrnikov, on the other hand, received the greatest number of advantages from this situation: which he cherished, a passionate lover, an additional incentive to work, fly, live for two.
How long this game can last depends on its participants. In order to make a choice with minimal losses, it is very important to focus only on your own needs and desires. When we make a compromise, we need to be aware of the price of this deal. After all, compromises are short-lived and costly...
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Konstantin Balyanin, consultant psychologist:
The best way out in this situation is to make a deliberate, adult, strong-willed decision. Syrnikov should ask himself the question of what is the foundation of the family for him. If love - the choice is in favor of Olga. If, however, duty and responsibility to an already existing family are of paramount importance, the decision is in favor of Zina. But at the same time, it is important to understand that any choice implies a rejection of something, and this is a pain that you need to be prepared for.
As for Olga, it is important for her to understand that it is possible to take a man away from the family, but in his eyes she may be the culprit of the drama that has occurred, especially if any difficulties arise in their further relationship. Is she ready to take on such a responsibility? Perhaps the best way out for her would be to raise her long-awaited daughter, and later, having overcome love addiction, to find family happiness with another man, for whom she will be loved and the only one.Zina, like all other women who want to create and maintain a strong family, needs to be able to develop and maintain femininity in themselves, remaining always new and interesting for their man. If Syrnikov makes a conscious decision not to leave the family, it may make sense for her, although it will be difficult. If his choice is in favor of Olga, then you should not hold him back.
■ About the second family of a famous artist, Governor of the Altai Territory Mikhail Evdokimov the whole wide world learned at his funeral. Black young woman Inna Belova even participated in the funeral procession.
■ About the journalist Tatyana Sekridova, the actor had to tell the press, after Tatyana herself publicly announced this secret. Legal actor's wife Natalia Gvozdikova courageously accepted this blow, not filing for divorce.
■ The entire Internet was full of stories that Oksana Lavrentieva, businesswoman, model and TV presenter, gave birth Head of VTB Andrey Kostin son. She herself never confirmed this information publicly. The rumors ended when Oksana married another man, and A. Kostin began to go out with his wife Natalya.
■ Singer Slava never hid her relationship with Anatoly Danilitsky, former head of the National Reserve Corporation. Their joint photos often appeared in the press, Slava gave birth to a daughter from a loved one. He himself did not hide that he was married and fully provided for his wife. Lyudmila and two daughters.
My husband has a second family...
Remember, the hero of Yuri Nikulin from The Prisoner of the Caucasus sang: “If I were a sultan, I would have three wives. And triple beauty, would be surrounded. But on the other hand ... "Real life shows that in order to have three wives, it is not necessary to be a sultan, but polygamy (albeit unofficial) can fully provide troubles and worries. No wonder situations when one of the spouses is in a serious relationship outside their family are called "triangles of suffering".Of course, a casual acquaintance, a first date, a passionate night in a hotel room, do not always and immediately develop into something more. The affair of a married man may remain for him only a pleasant memory, a risky adventure, an amazing experience. But it can also be a starting point. The very one from which, in the future, the characters of history will draw their own triangle of suffering, mutual accusations and scandals.
Women with increased anxiety quickly, almost instantly, notice the slightest changes. They determine by details, by nuances whether everything is in order or it is time to sound the alarm: for example, a man began to somehow take special care of himself, began to turn a blind eye to what had previously caused him indignation, etc. If the alarm signal was received on time and the necessary steps were taken actions, the development of a negative scenario for the family can be prevented. True, there is no single algorithm of actions, because each story has its own unique scenario. But general points can be distinguished. I note that if you cultivate anxiety, you can bring yourself to nervous exhaustion.
Imagine that the experience of the family life of the heroes is not great.
Between spouses there is mutual attraction, passion, desire for intimacy. It’s just that there was a failure in the family system, because of which the man decided on an easy romance. In this case, you need to press pause to analyze the situation.
What feelings does your spouse lack? After all, if a man feels dissatisfaction at one of the levels of communication with his wife (emotional, psychological, spiritual, behavioral, sexual), he will try to compensate for the lack of necessary emotions on the side. Maybe a man needs more attention and care? Perhaps he does not receive confirmation of his amazing sexual abilities in the family (after all, this is very significant for a man), he does not feel the support of his wife and her approval. Or, on the contrary, he cannot restrain his passionate impulses. There is also a completely banal option - the spouse is simply bored to exist in the home-work-home format. It is also important to understand the portrait of the opponent. If you determine the type of woman, her strengths and, as a result, those qualities that attracted a man will become clear. By identifying weak areas, a wise woman will be able to quietly make adjustments to communication with her husband.
You can go the other way, openly influence your beloved man and directly declare: “I know everything, I will not stand it!” But you need to understand - this is an all-in game. The spouse may be afraid that he will lose his family if the new relationship does not yet have a solid foundation, or maybe pack a suitcase. This method is definitely not suitable for ladies who do not love their husband so much as adore his resources. They react to everything not emotionally, but rationally. I will only note that men feel such women, they understand perfectly well that the spouse is ready to turn a blind eye to everything, for the sake of status, financial situation, apparent stability. Next to such women, the representatives of the stronger sex begin to allow themselves a lot, at the same time, internal dissatisfaction with marriage is growing. And where is the guarantee that sooner or later a woman will not appear on the path of a man, relations with which will become a serious threat to the family and to that very stamp?
And now another story - marriage with experience.
It is not so easy to turn the tide in this case, because the spouses have already got used to each other, there are no former emotions, unbridled passions. A mistress gives a man both emotional and sexual warmth, and this greatly brightens up his life. However, the desire of a man to live on the knurled, affection, habit works for his wife.
If a woman who has learned about her husband's passion wants to save her family, then first of all she needs to calm down. Do not forget, the mistress only dreams that you will collect the things of the betrothed and put them out the door. Therefore, it is important not to pursue your husband, but to take care of yourself: sign up for dancing, get a new hobbyto be interesting to other people. An unexpected call from a fan or dinner with a girlfriend activates a man’s alarm (the main thing is not to overdo it). At the same time, it is possible to influence the spouse's values, to focus on children, on the meaning of the family, on property (if the spouses have joint property or business, then the thought of divorce and division of all acquired is unbearable). In other words, you need to use everything that can become the basis for maintaining relationships.
You should be more careful with the manifestation of sexual interest. Some women begin to demonstrate special activity in bed, thinking that their spouse simply does not have enough sex. But such a “counterattack” is extremely difficult for men, because they cannot portray passion, imitate pleasure. Because of this, irritation with his wife can only grow.
If the family is a value for both spouses, and the marriage is harmonious on an emotional, psychological, spiritual, behavioral level, and only sexual passion has faded away, then a man is unlikely to leave the family of his own free will. By the way, there is an interesting statistic: of the four men who left the family, three regret it, and two make attempts to return. So do not rush to get divorced!
But before starting the fight for her marriage, a woman must determine whether she is ready to forgive and understand. In my practice, there were cases when wives managed to save the marriage, but they developed such a feeling of resentment and hostility that they were forced to work with a psychologist.
However, women do not always learn about infidelity, so to speak, in a timely manner. Some men show the talents of James Bond and David Copperfield rolled into one. They clearly delineate the boundaries of the family and protect them from the onslaught of mistresses. And a wise lover, realizing that a man will not leave his first family, will not invade the territory of marriage. So there are more bonuses for her. There are a lot of stories when wives found out about the existence of a mistress with a child only after the death of their husbands.
Suppose a man's relationship with another woman has gone too far-they became parents, and the deceived wife still found out about it.
Men react differently to illegitimate children. Starting from deleting a mistress from life, accusations of infidelity, refusal to acknowledge paternity. Ending with principled statements: “This is my child. I will support him and take care of him.” In this case, the baby's mother is no longer perceived as a girlfriend, relations with her move to a more serious level.
But what should the legal wife do, for whom the whole world turned upside down overnight? First of all, analyze the situation and get an objective assessment of what happened. If the husband has had a constant connection on the side for many years, and moreover, a child is growing in that union, and the wife did not even know about it, then the relationship was not so rosy. Therefore, it is important for a deceived woman to determine her own feelings. She loves - she doesn’t love, she can forgive and live with it or she can’t, she will continue to believe her husband or not ... And is such a marriage really needed? And further tactics will depend on this. In any case, one should not engage in self-destruction, fall into despair and slide into depression and despondency. You need to take your life into your own hands and take action. How? As your heart tells you.
The earth is slipping from under your feet, your head is spinning, it seems that you are about to faint - this is the reaction to the terrible and shocking news: you found out that your husband has a second family.
Alas, it’s not sad to admit it, but in the modern world there are more and more such men, and we are now talking not about a mistress or a fleeting hobby, but about a strong relationship that can last for several years, by the way, the presence of children is also possible in this family ... after such news, women in most cases make mistakes that later break their whole life. So, no need to chop from the shoulder and flog
fever, let's understand the situation.
The first thing a woman begins to do when she hears such shocking news is to blame herself for the situation. Moreover, she feels guilty so much that this guilt simply burns her from the inside and can lead to a nervous breakdown and deep depression.
The offended and offended woman believes that she was a bad wife, since her husband decided to look for affection and warmth on the side, that she was a bad housewife or a bad mother of his children. And, perhaps, he, in general, does not need her children, since he has children from his second wife? Yes, stop! In fact, such thoughts can lead to such depths of problems and sadness that no psychologist can help.
Let's dot all the "and". The woman in this current situation is not to blame in principle - and this is a fact. So who's to blame? Man, man and more man! After all, it was he who could not make a choice in time and brought the situation to a critical end. Such an act only indicates that the man whom you considered your beloved husband is just a spineless creature who was afraid to decide and decided that two wives are better than one.
But, of course, in such a situation, you need to give advice, and not figure out who is right and who is wrong. It’s just that in such a difficult situation, you need to try to pull yourself together and realize that it’s not your fault. Once you understand this, your mind will clear up and it will be easier for you to adequately respond to this problem and find the right solution.
Of course, after all that a woman has learned, she will be tormented by jealousy and resentment. But, as you know, everything is known in comparison, so you can console yourself with the thought that your position is not the worst option. In order to at least somehow brighten up your reality, think about how hard it is for his second family now. After all, it was she, and not you, who came in second place.
Despite the fact that you harbor hatred for this woman, try to feel sorry for her. Indeed, she is much more unhappy than you. You had no idea about her existence, but, for sure, she knew very well about your existence. Moreover, since such a situation has already occurred, they don’t wave their fists after a fight.
If the news about the presence of a second family is shocking for you, then you did not even know that, therefore, your husband diligently concealed this information, and saw his second wife only occasionally, devoting the rest of his time only to you.
It was with you that he fell asleep and woke up, spent his holidays with you and met you from work. And he left for her, telling you that we were leaving on a business trip or on business. So what conclusion can be drawn? Despite your pain and resentment, try to find at least some positive aspects in this situation.
Naturally, your faithful behaved like the last scoundrel - no one argues with this. After you have realized that your situation is not the worst yet and calmed down a bit, you need to decide what to do next, because you can’t let this situation go by itself. Of course, the first desire is to file for divorce and wish your hubby happiness to him and his new family.
However, the situation is much more complicated if you have children or are very dependent on him financially. If so, then you can’t flog a fever, because in the end you can be left with nothing. Moreover, you perfectly understand that children should grow up and be brought up in a full-fledged family.
But another question immediately arises, if he betrayed you once, he will most likely betray you both the second and third time. Why do you need such an unreliable man in your life? And, in general, let's face it: no woman can come to terms with the fact that her man has a second woman - such a life will simply be unbearable.
So, according to the bitter experience of women who have been in such a difficult situation, only one thing can be said: if you do not depend on this man in any way, it is better, of course, to look for your happiness somewhere else or in the arms of another man, but if you firmly decided to save the marriage, start to win back the man by hook or by crook. For this, it is enough, as it was before your wedding.
However, it is impossible to neglect human and moral laws - if he has children from a second woman, you have no right to forbid them to see each other or set the father against his own children. If you cannot come to terms with the presence of his children, it is better to immediately abandon attempts to reunite the family. And do not forget: "Everything that is done, everything is done for the better." Perhaps this is not your man, and fate shows you this in such a cruel way.
So, summing up, I would like to say: first of all, try to adequately respond to this problem, weigh all the pros and cons before making a decision. Do not forget that what you have built over the years can be destroyed in one day.
Of course, it is very difficult to come to terms with the fact that the second family, after all, exists. You must understand that she will not go anywhere, especially if there are children there. You, as a mother, must understand that the children of your rival cannot be left without a father either.
But we must not forget about our own well-being, so perhaps a divorce is really the right decision, most likely, your true happiness is ahead, and right now, somewhere around the corner, a real man is waiting for you who can make you truly happy. , be happy and take care of your nerves!
Good afternoon, Anton Mikhailovich!
Help, please, advice.
I have been together with my husband for seven years, married for 3 years. The love was real, I still love him. He - I don't know, says he loves. We have a 2 year old son. In the last month of pregnancy, I suspected my husband of treason: I came home after a corporate party, very drunk and in my underwear inside out (dirty, I left exactly in clean and properly dressed - I saw it myself), and even when I called to find out where he was, I didn’t pick up the phone for a long time, then called back, and the sound of the intercom of the front door was heard. From all this, I concluded that someone had it. The baby was born and my suspicions grew. Constant refusals from sex, incomprehensible reaction with screams and departures, threats. Calls began in the morning from the same colleague, then SMS. In my life, under other circumstances, I would not climb into the phone, but here I could not overcome my curiosity. Then she sent a photo of the baby. Well, in general, somehow I could not stand it and said that I know everything. He admitted that the child may be his. According to him, this woman is sure that this is his child. He said that he was very sorry that he had made a mistake and wanted to be with me, but it was all over with her. It all lasted 2 years before his recognition. Of course, I periodically spoke about my suspicions and asked why he constantly refused me sex for so long. The answers are "tired" and "no one is there", well, and other beliefs. But I did not believe and remained with the thought that there was someone else. After his confession, she began to write to me, so that I would let him go, I did not answer her. It seems that calm has come and I began to believe that it was really all over, but 2 weeks ago I found out that they were talking calls. SMS, some business, although they no longer work together, meeting for a walk when he walks with a child. I managed to listen to a few calls, it seems like nothing, but the communication is very nice and they don’t communicate with the former. She constantly asks for help, and he is interested in her health and affairs. He explained to me that he was communicating with her so that she would not file for paternity. I cannot persuade him to do a DNA test - immediately a scandal. He says that they have nothing else and he is with me. Now she works in another company, but in the same building with him, and they constantly call up and go out together to sit in a cafe, in a car. I saw it myself. And in the morning he leaves the house - immediately call her, I'm from home - he calls again, went to the store and again. I managed to hear all these calls thanks to friends who have unlimited opportunities in this area. In general, I don’t know what to do, I want to be with him, but how to live with this? I am ready to forgive for everything, but I cannot close my eyes to this, I am very depressed. I'm still on maternity leave and I'm going to work in 2 months, maybe this will change something in my worldview. Give, please, advice. I think he himself is very confused, but he does not want to decide anything, he says "accept and live, I will communicate with her only because of the child." I don’t mind, but only for the sake of the child, and judging by the SMS and telephone conversations, it’s not only this, but I can’t say that there is sex.
Thank you, sorry for the crumpled text, I typed while driving until there was a rush, otherwise I won’t make up my mind later.
Tatyana, Krasnodar, 36 years old
Hello, Tatyana.
//But I did not believe and remained with the thought that there is someone else.// You, it turns out, stay with your feelings and thoughts all the time, and you give out demands and claims to the surface - for example, "why don't we have sex" . The husband perceives it as a claim, begins to either defend himself or repent. As you can see, it was different - both excuses (protection) and repentance (it's all over, I want to be with you). The husband, apparently, also did the same with you - he gave out some claims, you were offended, both closed, then asked for forgiveness from each other, but did not solve the situation with unmet needs. There was no most important thing that would bring the situation to another level - a calm and benevolent clarification WHY everything happened this way. What did he miss in the family? What caused the betrayal? Is he aware of his feelings? And you yourself? As long as two people in marriage each have their own ideas about how things should be, and at the same time do not inform their partner that they are missing something, they are silent and choke on their dissatisfaction - then sooner or later another or another. Allegedly by accident. For the fact that such conversations do not arise in marriage, both are responsible. After all, this culture still needs to be formed, and for this both need to learn to formulate - what is missing, what they would like, to formulate their feelings and thoughts in general, while learning to accept criticism calmly (and express it also correctly), and not be offended and not blame . But if from the very beginning, instead of talking, accusations, “attacks” and sharp insults to any remarks arise, then each of the partners closes in on himself, and then such situations arise .... All that can be advised here is to learn to find out and finally start do it. On both of my sites (links here in the profile to Cleo) there is an article "A short guide to resolving family conflicts." It is written in detail about how to talk and why. It remains only to study. And now learn to discuss and find out every controversial moment calmly - what, for what, what needs are behind this, how can they be realized in the least traumatic way for a partner, etc. Unless of course you both want to keep the relationship.
Sincerely, Nesvitsky Anton Mikhailovich.
